Can someone tell me how to handle this situation?

[AnneElizabeth]

Was at a friends house. Friend has a son who is about 11 years old. While you are at your friend’s house, friend’s son has buddies from the neighborhood over. Friend gets phone call and has to leave and leaves you there- you wait sitting on the couch awaiting your friend’s promised quick return. Just then, the friend’s son and his friends, all boys- ages 11, 12, 13, and one who is about 8 years old come in the room gawking, laughing, at their iPhone. Its porn. They continue watch it in front of you, no shame whatsoever and continue to make lewd and cruel sexual remarks about the women they are watching. You feel disgusted, saddened, outraged, unnerved and confused as to what to do. You leave and say nothing. Was this the right thing to do? Or how should this have been handled? Do you tell the friend about what happened while she was out? Should a lone single woman (a guest at the house) said something to these boys or taken away the iPhone?

Would really love to hear others opinion about how to handle this situation.

 

[Xantippe]

Was at a friends house. Friend has a son who is about 11 years old. While you are at your friend’s house, friend’s son has buddies from the neighborhood over. Friend gets phone call and has to leave and leaves you there- you wait sitting on the couch awaiting your friend’s promised quick return. Just then, the friend’s son and his friends, all boys- ages 11, 12, 13, and one who is about 8 years old come in the room gawking, laughing, at their iPhone. Its porn. They continue watch it in front of you, no shame whatsoever and continue to make lewd and cruel sexual remarks about the women they are watching. You feel disgusted, saddened, outraged, unnerved and confused as to what to do. You leave and say nothing. Was this the right thing to do? Or how should this have been handled? Do you tell the friend about what happened while she was out? Should a lone single woman (a guest at the house) said something to these boys or taken away the iPhone?

Would really love to hear others opinion about how to handle this situation.

Feel free to tell your friend now. If I were her, I’d want to know.

If this sort of thing happens again, be very firm, collect the phone from the boys, tell your friend when she’s free, and leave and let her handle it privately. If they won’t hand over the phone, inform them that you’re going to interrupt your friend’s phone call to tell her what’s going on.

With a little practice, it’s possible for an adult woman to put the fear of God into tween boys and young men. Some helpful phrases:

“That’s not appropriate.”

“You know you’re not supposed to be doing that.”

“You are giving a bad example to your younger brother.” (If I were one of the moms, I’d be most infuriated that they’d exposed the 8-year-old to this stuff.)

“EXCUSE ME.”

Good luck!

 

[mommy_k]

When the mother returned I would have told her what transpired
For them to do this in front of you and not check themselves is also very disturbing and not to care if you heard them is very disrespectful. So for that reason it is also your business.

 

[smallcat]

I would absolutely tell my friend what happened! If I were her, I would be very upset if a friend of mine witnessed this kind of behavior and did not tell me. It is an act of mercy, both to the parents and to the boys, to address this behavior. Aside from the obvious moral implications, there are serious potential legal concerns depending on what they are doing online.

In the moment, I would also admonish the boys (and being hot-tempered, I would probably not be calm about it!) and reflexively grab the phone away from them. I would then return it to your friend (if it was her son’s phone) or ask where the boy lives and return it to his parents directly. IMHO, there is too much concern with kids’ “right to privacy” and when it comes to the internet, this often leads to disastrous consequences that can follow them for a lifetime.

 

[St_Francis]

I would ask if their mother would appreciate their behavior and what they were looking at, and then inform the mother when she got back. UnlessI knew the family well, I would not take matters into my own hands.

Mom of 4

 

[Allegra]

I would interrupt the phone call.

 

[AKDee]

The shameless attitude makes me think they didn’t fear any punishment.

I would tell my friend, and would let her know it made me very uncomfortable.

 

[Trident_H]

I’d have asked to see what they were looking at. Then I’d have kept the phone.

And then I’d have told them this is why girls no longer feel like they can find quality guys.

Because guys seem too obsessed with cheap thrills. And don’t have enough character to even try to do the right thing anymore.

I’d have told them this was going to hurt them in the long run. That dropping into this kind of routine will give them a lot less satisfaction and a lot less depth. That not caring about decency is a sure way to hurt society in general. But I’d also tell them if they wanted to change they still could. That there was still barely time to do it. That if they didn’t want a lifetime addiction they’d be best to start building up muscle now.

And then I’d have given the phone to their mother when she came back. And told her about it.

 

[Sockio]

You should definitely inform the mother, that way she can handle the situation.

 

[Irishmom2]

I would ask if their mother would appreciate their behavior and what they were looking at, and then inform the mother when she got back. UnlessI knew the family well, I would not take matters into my own hands.

Mom of 4

This is what I would do as well.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Was at a friends house. Friend has a son who is about 11 years old. While you are at your friend’s house, friend’s son has buddies from the neighborhood over. Friend gets phone call and has to leave and leaves you there- you wait sitting on the couch awaiting your friend’s promised quick return. Just then, the friend’s son and his friends, all boys- ages 11, 12, 13, and one who is about 8 years old come in the room gawking, laughing, at their iPhone. Its porn. They continue watch it in front of you, no shame whatsoever and continue to make lewd and cruel sexual remarks about the women they are watching. You feel disgusted, saddened, outraged, unnerved and confused as to what to do. You leave and say nothing. Was this the right thing to do? Or how should this have been handled? Do you tell the friend about what happened while she was out? Should a lone single woman (a guest at the house) said something to these boys or taken away the iPhone?

Would really love to hear others opinion about how to handle this situation.

I would definitely have taken the phone away from them and said something to them about how terrible it is to be watching that, and then tell the parent as soon as she returned.

It’s not too late to tell her, and I think you should. They are all so young, especially an 8 year old–that just makes me shudder. Definitely tell the parents as soon as possible.

 

[CradleJourney]

Feel free to tell your friend now. If I were her, I’d want to know.

If this sort of thing happens again, be very firm, collect the phone from the boys, tell your friend when she’s free, and leave and let her handle it privately. If they won’t hand over the phone, inform them that you’re going to interrupt your friend’s phone call to tell her what’s going on.

With a little practice, it’s possible for an adult woman to put the fear of God into tween boys and young men. Some helpful phrases:

“That’s not appropriate.”

“You know you’re not supposed to be doing that.”

“You are giving a bad example to your younger brother.” (If I were one of the moms, I’d be most infuriated that they’d exposed the 8-year-old to this stuff.)

“EXCUSE ME.”

Good luck!

Most excellent advice! Xantippe, you and I think and act quite a bit alike when it comes to this

Luckily never had to deal with porn! But I have faced down individuals and groups of boys before who I didn’t know at all when they were behaving badly (snowballing cars, hopping fences, harassing others, bad language, that sort of thing) - just have to channel your inner mom, your justified outrage, and your certitude that no parent would approve of the behavior (at least in public).

 

[EasterJoy]

I’d tell my friend and apologize that I didn’t tell them to cut it out the minute I saw it. Most of my friends would be mortified to know their children treated a guest in a manner like that, quite apart from the offense of watching porn in the first place.

I wouldn’t have a problem telling a group of grown men rude enough to look at porn in front of me to cut it out and put their phones away. That’s disgusting. What if the boys had been behaving in some other lewd way, telling lewd jokes or something of that kind? No one has to stand for that from anyone without saying a word; certainly a woman does not have to tolerate that from a bunch of school children. That kind of behavior is expected in a strip bar, but not anywhere decent.

If their parents were there and objected to you stepping in and stopping them, after all, wouldn’t you just get up and walk out? Would you want the parents to walk in on you listening to them telling disgusting jokes or watching porn and saying nothing? They’d have to wonder what it *would *take to get you to act like the adult in the room. Setting fire to the cat? Bouncing baseballs against the picture window?

 

[Franciscan_Way]

I would have taken the phone away.
I also think it’s odd that they would view it or make comments in front of you. Most boys would be more sneaky about it as not to get caught.
I may be in a class by myself, but internet access on a phone with this age group…Nah!!!
Nothing good can come from it. All you need is one person with a dumb idea and they all fall like dominos!
The friend as well as the moms of the other boys would be notified! It’s never a comfortable situation, but I have had to have a conversation on a few occasions about inappropriate language/content on the computer or through texts.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Thanks to all for your replies.

Yes, this actually happened. Yes, they knew I was in the room, ignored me, kept doing what they were doing. They were all hanging around, standing behind and sitting on a couch next to the one I was sitting on.

A little more background might help:

Friend allows total internet access, tv access in bedrooms, own phones, ipads and tv for each child (both boys). Never heard her mention anything about putting any sort of blocks when it comes to entertainment.

Friend and her husband have a cavalier and free thoughts when it comes to sex. They do not hinder what is watched on tv. They will watch anything in front of them including r rated movies. Husband of friend keeps Maxim magazines in baskets beside toilet in all bathrooms. Youngest son was already sexually molested when he was 5- unattended in basement- again by a boy several; years older than him. They still leave the boys unattended anyway even after this happened.

I do not know my friend that well because its been ages since we had a chance to catch up, but these things I do know about them having been around them here and there.

Would this change anything any one of you said on how to handle this situation?!

I agree I would have spoken up and said something, but I have this nagging feeling that I would have been made out to look like a total prude or nutcase- and rude to have corrected the boys ‘unnecessarily’. Any advice on how to handle the situation then?

 

[AKDee]

Friend and her husband have a cavalier and free thoughts when it comes to sex. They do not hinder what is watched on tv. They will watch anything in front of them including r rated movies. Husband of friend keeps Maxim magazines in baskets beside toilet in all bathrooms. Youngest son was already sexually molested when he was 5- unattended in basement- again by a boy several; years older than him. They still leave the boys unattended anyway even after this happened.

This does not surprise me. The boys not having any concern over your presence made me think this might be the case.

 

[1ke]

I do not know my friend that well because its been ages since we had a chance to catch up, but these things I do know about them having been around them here and there.

Evaluate whether this is someone you really want for a friend or not.

Your religion on your profile says, “no longer “catholic” by worldly standards” – I don’t know what that means. Are you not a practicing Catholic? Or, are you a practicing Catholic?

If you aren’t-- then why would this behavior bother you? If you are, why are you cultivating friendships with people so antithetical to Catholic living?

this change anything any one of you said on how to handle this situation?!

No.

I agree I would have spoken up and said something, but I have this nagging feeling that I would have been made out to look like a total prude or nutcase- and rude to have corrected the boys ‘unnecessarily’. Any advice on how to handle the situation then?

If I got any flak from the parents my response would be, “if you leave your children in my care, then I will operate by my rules. And my rules include no inappropriate TV, internet, or disrespectful talk (including back-talk). If you don’t like my rules, don’t ask me to watch your kids.”

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Evaluate whether this is someone you really want for a friend or not.

Your religion on your profile says, “no longer “catholic” by worldly standards” – I don’t know what that means. Are you not a practicing Catholic? Or, are you a practicing Catholic?

If you aren’t-- then why would this behavior bother you? If you are, why are you cultivating friendships with people so antithetical to Catholic living?

No.

If I got any flak from the parents my response would be, “if you leave your children in my care, then I will operate by my rules. And my rules include no inappropriate TV, internet, or disrespectful talk (including back-talk). If you don’t like my rules, don’t ask me to watch your kids.”

Unfortunately this friend is friend of family, so its not a situation that can be easily avoided. I can’t just say, I don’t want to visit this friend anymore- If i want to see my family, I will surely eventually cross paths with them. I’ve known them for a long time but do not converse with them frequently.

One other note friend is catholic. So are the boys. I don’t think she takes them to confession (In her favor, I’m not sure how I would know, but I never hear it mentioned) and I do know they receive holy communion anyway. (this is partially why I have the ‘no longer catholic by worldly standards’ line in my profile… it was a point that not all who call themselves catholic are respectfully following or believing in the guidelines. Yes, my profile has confused a lot of people. May be changing it here soon. I hate labels because of this. I take the label “Catholic” seriously as what you do carries the Name of God basically .)

That’s the thing though- Friend did not leave the children in my care. She just left. The neighborhood they live in kind of acts as surrogate parent- even though no one is really watching. They all run from each others houses and back all day long. She never mentioned the kids, or watch the kids for me. In her defense, they are older. These are over the age of 10- except the younger one which I guess the parents thought he’s be ok and safe with the older ones. They were not in the vicinity at the time friend left.

I had asked the father once not to take the Lord’s name in vain as it was hurting me greatly to hear him use the Holy Name as a swear word (at the time I was discerning to be a nun) He blew up at me, started yelling and told me not to correct him in his house and to get out of his home- I guess he thought I was rude- even thought i asked kindly and not in demanding, look down your nose rude kind of way. (It was seriously hurtful to me as a Christian to hear that). The rest of the day, everyone there including my family members who were also visiting thought I was a “*itch” for it and inciting such anger in him. Later he did apologize to me, but the rest of the day friend was very livid with me for making him angry and acted like I was the one had a serious problem. (Like I was rude.) I was greatly upset by the incident. This is why it is difficult to discern what to do in this particular scenario.

 

[1ke]

Unfortunately this friend is friend of family, so its not a situation that can be easily avoided. I can’t just say, I don’t want to visit this friend anymore- If i want to see my family, I will surely eventually cross paths with them. I’ve known them for a long time but do not converse with them frequently.

One other note friend is catholic. So are the boys. I don’t think she takes them to confession (In her favor, I’m not sure how I would know, but I never hear it mentioned) and I do know they receive holy communion anyway. (this is partially why I have the ‘no longer catholic by worldly standards’ line in my profile… it was a point that not all who call themselves catholic are respectfully following or believing in the guidelines. Yes, my profile has confused a lot of people. May be changing it here soon. I hate labels because of this. I take the label “Catholic” seriously as what you do carries the Name of God basically .)

That’s the thing though- Friend did not leave the children in my care. She just left. The neighborhood they live in kind of acts as surrogate parent- even though no one is really watching. They all run from each others houses and back all day long. She never mentioned the kids, or watch the kids for me. In her defense, they are older. These are over the age of 10- except the younger one which I guess the parents thought he’s be ok and safe with the older ones.

I had asked the father once not to take the Lord’s name in vain as it was hurting me greatly to hear him use the Holy Name as a swear word (at the time I was discerning to be a nun) He blew up at me, started yelling and told me not to correct him in his house and to get out of his home- I guess he thought I was rude- even thought i asked kindly and not in demanding, look down your nose rude kind of way. (It was seriously hurtful to me as a Christian to hear that). The rest of the day, everyone there including my family members who were also visiting thought I was a “*itch” for it and inciting such anger in him. Later he did apologize to me, but the rest of the day friend was very livid with me for making him angry and acted like I was the one had a serious problem. (Like I was rude.) I was greatly upset by the incident. This is why it is difficult to discern what to do in this particular scenario.

Well then, if she didn’t actually ask you to watch the kids and just left you sitting in her house-- if it were me I would have gotten up and left. Especially if the brats starting acting in a manner that I did not approve of.

 

[Joelle_M]

Unfortunately this friend is friend of family, so its not a situation that can be easily avoided. I can’t just say, I don’t want to visit this friend anymore- If i want to see my family, I will surely eventually cross paths with them. I’ve known them for a long time but do not converse with them frequently.

One other note friend is catholic. So are the boys. I don’t think she takes them to confession (In her favor, I’m not sure how I would know, but I never hear it mentioned) and I do know they receive holy communion anyway. (this is partially why I have the ‘no longer catholic by worldly standards’ line in my profile… it was a point that not all who call themselves catholic are respectfully following or believing in the guidelines. Yes, my profile has confused a lot of people. May be changing it here soon. I hate labels because of this. I take the label “Catholic” seriously as what you do carries the Name of God basically .)

That’s the thing though- Friend did not leave the children in my care. She just left. The neighborhood they live in kind of acts as surrogate parent- even though no one is really watching. They all run from each others houses and back all day long. She never mentioned the kids, or watch the kids for me. In her defense, they are older. These are over the age of 10- except the younger one which I guess the parents thought he’s be ok and safe with the older ones.

I had asked the father once not to take the Lord’s name in vain as it was hurting me greatly to hear him use the Holy Name as a swear word (at the time I was discerning to be a nun) He blew up at me, started yelling and told me not to correct him in his house and to get out of his home- I guess he thought I was rude- even thought i asked kindly and not in demanding, look down your nose rude kind of way. (It was seriously hurtful to me as a Christian to hear that). The rest of the day, everyone there including my family members who were also visiting thought I was a “*itch” for it and inciting such anger in him. Later he did apologize to me, but the rest of the day friend was very livid with me for making him angry and acted like I was the one had a serious problem. (Like I was rude.) I was greatly upset by the incident. This is why it is difficult to discern what to do in this particular scenario.

Oh man. I feel for you.

I think you have to tell her… and depending on her reaction , you can decide your next step from there. What you should have done or not done doesn’t really matter anymore- it happened as it did. I’m a mother of a 16 year old- and if he ever disrespected one of my friends like that- or was brazen enough to so openly look at that stuff- I’d lose my mind.

Pray first for the Holy Spirit to guide your words to her. Then if she shrugs it off (God forbid)… you’ll be able to move forward with a bit more clarity. I couldn’t sit back and watch my friend allow such behaviour without saying something. It takes a village.

And who knows- maybe telling her will have a positive effect. I can’t imagine any mother being ok with her 11 year old watching porn… but then again- those parents certainly exist.

Side note- just because you go way back and have been family friends for a long time- doesn’t mean you have to hang around her. You may have to learn to set those differences aside when you’re at the same events- bit you don’t have to be “friends” with her.

Good luck!