Can someone tell me how to handle this situation?

[AnneElizabeth]

Well then, if she didn’t actually ask you to watch the kids and just left you sitting in her house-- if it were me I would have gotten up and left. Especially if the brats starting acting in a manner that I did not approve of.

This is exactly what I did. I didn’t want to be anywhere near them.

 

[Trident_H]

Unfortunately this friend is friend of family, so its not a situation that can be easily avoided. I can’t just say, I don’t want to visit this friend anymore- If i want to see my family, I will surely eventually cross paths with them. I’ve known them for a long time but do not converse with them frequently.

One other note friend is catholic. So are the boys. I don’t think she takes them to confession (In her favor, I’m not sure how I would know, but I never hear it mentioned) and I do know they receive holy communion anyway. (this is partially why I have the ‘no longer catholic by worldly standards’ line in my profile… it was a point that not all who call themselves catholic are respectfully following or believing in the guidelines. Yes, my profile has confused a lot of people. May be changing it here soon. I hate labels because of this. I take the label “Catholic” seriously as what you do carries the Name of God basically .)

That’s the thing though- Friend did not leave the children in my care. She just left. The neighborhood they live in kind of acts as surrogate parent- even though no one is really watching. They all run from each others houses and back all day long. She never mentioned the kids, or watch the kids for me. In her defense, they are older. These are over the age of 10- except the younger one which I guess the parents thought he’s be ok and safe with the older ones. They were not in the vicinity at the time friend left.

I had asked the father once not to take the Lord’s name in vain as it was hurting me greatly to hear him use the Holy Name as a swear word (at the time I was discerning to be a nun) He blew up at me, started yelling and told me not to correct him in his house and to get out of his home- I guess he thought I was rude- even thought i asked kindly and not in demanding, look down your nose rude kind of way. (It was seriously hurtful to me as a Christian to hear that). The rest of the day, everyone there including my family members who were also visiting thought I was a “*itch” for it and inciting such anger in him. Later he did apologize to me, but the rest of the day friend was very livid with me for making him angry and acted like I was the one had a serious problem. (Like I was rude.) I was greatly upset by the incident. This is why it is difficult to discern what to do in this particular scenario.

That’s a bit tougher. I think in that case I wouldn’t have bothered to take the phone or report on them. All I’d have done was give them a talk on why it was wrong. Who it hurt. And how it made them at risk for all kinds of problems. Then I’d have left. Good and gone.

 

[1ke]

Unfortunately this friend is friend of family, so its not a situation that can be easily avoided.

Actually, it is that easy.

I can’t just say, I don’t want to visit this friend anymore-

Yes, you can just say that, and do that. You are an adult, family friend or not, you decide who you spend time with.

If i want to see my family, I will surely eventually cross paths with them.

Fine, if they are invited to an event you attend, be polite and kind to them. That does NOT mean you have to accept invitations to their home, invite them to yours, etc.

I’ve known them for a long time but do not converse with them frequently.

You need not converse with then at all, really.

 

[EasterJoy]

Unfortunately this friend is friend of family, so its not a situation that can be easily avoided. I can’t just say, I don’t want to visit this friend anymore- If i want to see my family, I will surely eventually cross paths with them. I’ve known them for a long time but do not converse with them frequently.

One other note friend is catholic. So are the boys. I don’t think she takes them to confession (In her favor, I’m not sure how I would know, but I never hear it mentioned) and I do know they receive holy communion anyway. (this is partially why I have the ‘no longer catholic by worldly standards’ line in my profile… it was a point that not all who call themselves catholic are respectfully following or believing in the guidelines. Yes, my profile has confused a lot of people. May be changing it here soon. I hate labels because of this. I take the label “Catholic” seriously as what you do carries the Name of God basically .)

That’s the thing though- Friend did not leave the children in my care. She just left. The neighborhood they live in kind of acts as surrogate parent- even though no one is really watching. They all run from each others houses and back all day long. She never mentioned the kids, or watch the kids for me. In her defense, they are older. These are over the age of 10- except the younger one which I guess the parents thought he’s be ok and safe with the older ones. They were not in the vicinity at the time friend left.

I had asked the father once not to take the Lord’s name in vain as it was hurting me greatly to hear him use the Holy Name as a swear word (at the time I was discerning to be a nun) He blew up at me, started yelling and told me not to correct him in his house and to get out of his home- I guess he thought I was rude- even thought i asked kindly and not in demanding, look down your nose rude kind of way. (It was seriously hurtful to me as a Christian to hear that). The rest of the day, everyone there including my family members who were also visiting thought I was a “*itch” for it and inciting such anger in him. Later he did apologize to me, but the rest of the day friend was very livid with me for making him angry and acted like I was the one had a serious problem. (Like I was rude.) I was greatly upset by the incident. This is why it is difficult to discern what to do in this particular scenario.

You don’t tolerate people watching porn near you. You don’t have to set an age. You just say, “if you’re going to look at stuff like that, get it out of here.” If they won’t, you don’t argue. You simply say, “OK, then, if it isn’t going, then I guess it is up to me to go.” Then you leave. You can let them know you find it offensive, and you don’t care if they think you are a prude or a nutcase for thinking so. If that makes you crazy, you’ll have some very good company in your asylum in that case, wouldn’t you?

You don’t apologize for asking someone not to take the Lord’s name in vain in front of you. If he gets angry at that, you can say, “hey, I can’t stop what you do. I let you know I didn’t like it, on the off chance that you happened to care whether I was comfortable around you or not. If you don’t care, then yes, it is up to me to either get used to it or take myself elsewhere. You might ask yourself why you are so defensive about acting in a way that is comfortable to you in your own home, but that’s on your plate.” You may learn it is a pointless thing to do, but don’t apologize for ever saying anything.

When you were condemned for “inciting such anger,” I think a bewildered look would be in order. “Most people I know would have either apologized for an unintended offense or else calmly told me that while they regretted that the speech made me uncomfortable it would be up to me to decide how to cope with the fact that it would not be changing. Period. It is called communication. Not that hard. Why he decided to go ballistic, I have no idea. Believe me, if I knew which red button I’d pushed and where it was, I wouldn’t push it again.” Otherwise, take the Little Flower route and do the spiritual work of mercy of “bearing wrongs patiently.” Do not apologize for taking the commandments of God seriously, however. Either tell the truth or else remain quiet.

He is what he is: the kind of host that he is, the kind of parent that he is, the kind of friend that he is. Either get used to getting up and leaving when the situation is such that you can’t endure it or else stick around to endure it in person. You’ve tried communication. File that under “tossing pearls before swine.” Quiet endurance, always avoiding any self-aggrandizing appearance of martyrdom, and a silent prayer for those poor souls is probably the best route. You never know what good that might do.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Oh man. I feel for you.

I think you have to tell her… and depending on her reaction , you can decide your next step from there. What you should have done or not done doesn’t really matter anymore- it happened as it did. I’m a mother of a 16 year old- and if he ever disrespected one of my friends like that- or was brazen enough to so openly look at that stuff- I’d lose my mind.

Pray first for the Holy Spirit to guide your words to her. Then if she shrugs it off (God forbid)… you’ll be able to move forward with a bit more clarity. I couldn’t sit back and watch my friend allow such behaviour without saying something. It takes a village.

And who knows- maybe telling her will have a positive effect. I can’t imagine any mother being ok with her 11 year old watching porn… but then again- those parents certainly exist.

Side note- just because you go way back and have been family friends for a long time- doesn’t mean you have to hang around her. You may have to learn to set those differences aside when you’re at the same events- bit you don’t have to be “friends” with her.

Good luck!

Thanks, its definitely extremely unbearable to be around them for me because of all this… not just this event, but others too. I’m trying to keep the peace, not rock the boat, forgive, pray and just go on with things for the sake of family and friends.

I don’t feel like talking with her about this because I don’t see anything changing, other than me becoming ‘the bad guy’ in their eyes. But I also feel a pressure coming from a faith standpoint. However, you can point to scripture, the catechism, books… what-have-you and even be very kind and loving about it, but you will be the religious weirdo nut who has a problem minding her own business or who is over the top about nothing.

Yet at the same time I didn’t want to leave thinking those boys thought because I said nothing to them about it, that I thought it was normal or ok for them to do this! (I’m hoping because I quickly left the area that maybe that was a clue? I don’t think they cared though one way or the other and I don’t think it would matter.) I feel very confused because I am not a parent and I shouldn’t have to do anything about this. Its really not my responsibility- or is it? I am also one who thinks it takes a village, but if your whole village is insane with sin, loves their sin, brandishes their sin like its a funny joke and mocks those who think you’re a kook for believing in God,… what do you do? I am also confused by their own claims to be catholic… yet have separate beliefs about things apparently. Saying one thing, doing another. We have separate beliefs yet we’re supposed to be ‘one’ in faith? How DO you talk with someone who shares a different view of The Faith? Which one of us is wrong? Which one of us is right?

I have also been told by others that this is normal ‘male’ stuff and to just ignore it. I’d RATHER ignore it, but how can you when THEY IGNORE YOU and do things like this when you are around? If they have no shame and no thought thinking that this woman they are watching isn’t someone’s daughter, mother, sister, friend… etc… then what care do they actually have for women in general themselves? What hope does the world have if these are the future men? *What future do the young women have??? *

 

[EasterJoy]

Yet at the same time I didn’t want to leave thinking those boys thought because I said nothing to them about it, that I thought it was normal or ok for them to do this! (I’m hoping because I quickly left the area that maybe that was a clue? I do’nt htik they cared though one way or the other.) I feel very confused because I am not a parent and I shouldn’t have to do anything about this. Its really not my responsibility- or is it?

No, it is not your responsibility to correct rudeness. You can tell the boys that this is not OK with you and that this is the kind of thing that gets grown-ups fired if they watch it at work–not just around Catholics, but around anyone! Teaching them that is their parents’ duty, though. If they grow up not knowing better because their parents clearly taught them it was fine, they won’t hold it against anyone else for not sending their dad into a ballistic fit by presuming to assume normal societal standards held any sway in his home.

It is your responsibility to maintain your own boundaries concerning what you do and do not tolerate from those around you. It is up to you to decide how to enforce your own boundaries and to accept whatever cost others try to exact in order to manipulate you into abandoning your own personal boundaries. That’s the secular side of it that any adult anywhere would know. It is your responsibility to correct a brother who will stand correction, but if he will not you ought to " then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector." (Matt. 18:17) You are not charged by the faith to try to teach a pig to sing (wherein you only frustrate yourself and annoy the pig.)

 

[wendiek]

I’d have asked to see what they were looking at. Then I’d have kept the phone.

And then I’d have told them this is why girls no longer feel like they can find quality guys.

Because guys seem too obsessed with cheap thrills. And don’t have enough character to even try to do the right thing anymore.

I’d have told them this was going to hurt them in the long run. That dropping into this kind of routine will give them a lot less satisfaction and a lot less depth. That not caring about decency is a sure way to hurt society in general. But I’d also tell them if they wanted to change they still could. That there was still barely time to do it. That if they didn’t want a lifetime addiction they’d be best to start building up muscle now.

And then I’d have given the phone to their mother when she came back. And told her about it.

I agree completely with this post - I would have struggled to be this composed. This situation called for a shocked and angry reply. I know I would not have been able to control myself as you did poster. I would have grabbed that phone and spent time lecturing until Mom returned and then I would have had the boys tell her what they were doing, in their own words. What a horrible experience - good Lord help us all. Keep praying people do we ever need it.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

You don’t tolerate people watching porn near you. You don’t have to set an age. You just say, “if you’re going to look at stuff like that, get it out of here.” If they won’t, you don’t argue. You simply say, “OK, then, if it isn’t going, then I guess it is up to me to go.” Then you leave. You can let them know you find it offensive, and you don’t care if they think you are a prude or a nutcase for thinking so. If that makes you crazy, you’ll have some very good company in your asylum in that case, wouldn’t you?

You don’t apologize for asking someone not to take the Lord’s name in vain in front of you. If he gets angry at that, you can say, “hey, I can’t stop what you do. I let you know I didn’t like it, on the off chance that you happened to care whether I was comfortable around you or not. If you don’t care, then yes, it is up to me to either get used to it or take myself elsewhere. You might ask yourself why you are so defensive about acting in a way that is comfortable to you in your own home, but that’s on your plate.” You may learn it is a pointless thing to do, but don’t apologize for ever saying anything.

When you were condemned for “inciting such anger,” I think a bewildered look would be in order. “Most people I know would have either apologized for an unintended offense or else calmly told me that while they regretted that the speech made me uncomfortable it would be up to me to decide how to cope with the fact that it would not be changing. Period. It is called communication. Not that hard. Why he decided to go ballistic, I have no idea. Believe me, if I knew which red button I’d pushed and where it was, I wouldn’t push it again.” Otherwise, take the Little Flower route and do the spiritual work of mercy of “bearing wrongs patiently.” Do not apologize for taking the commandments of God seriously, however. Either tell the truth or else remain quiet.

He is what he is: the kind of host that he is, the kind of parent that he is, the kind of friend that he is. Either get used to getting up and leaving when the situation is such that you can’t endure it or else stick around to endure it in person. You’ve tried communication. File that under “tossing pearls before swine.” Quiet endurance, always avoiding any self-aggrandizing appearance of martyrdom, and a silent prayer for those poor souls is probably the best route. You never know what good that might do.

Trust me when I say I did what you suggested here- in regards to the incident with the father using The Lord’s Name in vain. It wasn’t even characteristic of him to get that angry, and at me, this was a first. I did communicate. In fact, i thought he was joking at first when he yelled at me. ** I was totally bewildered! ** That look was my face. I did not say anything but remained quiet and concerned, kept to myself, yet by the way others were treating me, they acted as if I were the rude one who incited it. I left it be… later he came to me and apologized. I accepted, we hugged and we moved on. I merely brought in into this conversation because to illustrate the difficulties of the situation in the original post. Also to illustrate the mind set and behaviors- both me and the people I’m speaking about. I don’t wish to shame anyone, but I am seriously concerned… not only about all of them, but my own soul… we are supposed to speak up! How can I, and survive when I don’t even have Catholic support!? How can you get through to them? How can I get through this?
As far as the porn watching in front of you thing... I would think it is more shameful to say what you suggest here and be the one that has to leave. It means they win. It means speaking up was for nothing, and you look like the weak kook in their eyes. I really don't think woman can do anything about this, speak up about it - look how feminists are laughed to scorn when they speak up about rape? Not just feminists, but any woman- even here on CA I spoke up and a man poster made fun of me, said I was being rediculous-** they do not listen. ** And it shouldn't be a shocker If they already think its fun and fine to degrade a woman like this, what difference is it going to make whatever you choose to do?

 

[Anglewannabe]

Lecturing the boys would have been a waste of time. As someone else said, if they did it in front of you it is because they knew there would be no consequences

What I find shocking about all this is you call this woman a ‘friend’. No friend would put you threw that. I have tolerated poor behavior in the past trying to give the person the benefit of the doubt and I am of the firm opinion, it is NOT worth it.

I would simply tell this lady ‘Until you manage to have all boys involved in the incident get on their knees with a heart felt apology to me, our friendship is over’ And I know that would mean good ridance

 

[AnneElizabeth]

…It is your responsibility to correct a brother who will stand correction, but if he will not you ought to " then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector." (Matt. 18:17) You are not charged by the faith to try to teach a pig to sing (wherein you only frustrate yourself and annoy the pig.)

Thanks, I had forgotten about that Scripture.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Lecturing the boys would have been a waste of time. As someone else said, if they did it in front of you it is because they knew there would be no consequences

What I find shocking about all this is you call this woman a ‘friend’. No friend would put you threw that. I have tolerated poor behavior in the past trying to give the person the benefit of the doubt and I am of the firm opinion, it is NOT worth it.

I would simply tell this lady ‘Until you manage to have all boys involved in the incident get on their knees with a heart felt apology to me, our friendship is over’ And I know that would mean good ridance

Thanks Anglewannabe- but the friend doesn’t know. I never told her about it. (yet) I suspect she already knows her kids look at porn regularly, and maybe she doesn’t care… so I don’t want to get involved with it because it just would be a waste of breath. As I said before, this is friend of the family type thing… known for years, but we are not close. I can’t just ‘drop’ this friend… if I am around my family, I will be around her and hers as well. Trust me when I say all of this has made me very miserable. I don’t ‘hate’ these people and more concerned about their salvation and the troubles they might find themselves facing. At the same time, I do not want to be around this. Its very unsettling. I wish I could just leave!

 

[AnneElizabeth]

That’s a bit tougher. I think in that case I wouldn’t have bothered to take the phone or report on them. All I’d have done was give them a talk on why it was wrong. Who it hurt. And how it made them at risk for all kinds of problems. Then I’d have left. Good and gone.

Thanks Trident, but I suppose I was afraid. I know its dumb and sounds stupid since these are children, but I didn’t want to be near this. I just wanted to leave.

 

[AdamP88]

Was at a friends house. Friend has a son who is about 11 years old. While you are at your friend’s house, friend’s son has buddies from the neighborhood over. Friend gets phone call and has to leave and leaves you there- you wait sitting on the couch awaiting your friend’s promised quick return. Just then, the friend’s son and his friends, all boys- ages 11, 12, 13, and one who is about 8 years old come in the room gawking, laughing, at their iPhone. Its porn. They continue watch it in front of you, no shame whatsoever and continue to make lewd and cruel sexual remarks about the women they are watching. You feel disgusted, saddened, outraged, unnerved and confused as to what to do. You leave and say nothing. Was this the right thing to do? Or how should this have been handled? Do you tell the friend about what happened while she was out? Should a lone single woman (a guest at the house) said something to these boys or taken away the iPhone?

Would really love to hear others opinion about how to handle this situation.

Well if they were my kids, I’d slap them on the back of the head and they wouldn’t be seeing their iPhone’s again til they were 25. But since they’re not your kids, I’d maybe explain to them why it was wrong and also tell their parents when you got the chance.

 

[AdamP88]

Also you could explain to them about porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) and how it could happen to them. The “scare them straight” approach.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Also you could explain to them about porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) and how it could happen to them. The “scare them straight” approach.

I don’t know if an older women should be talking about them about this at all…and that’s just the thing. I don’t feel its my place to say anything. That sounds like more of the job of a trusted male adult to do that sort of thing you suggest. I certainly did not know most of the boys there watching it. I only know of the two that are my friends kids. I did not want to be around them. Still don’t really.

 

[AdamP88]

I don’t know if an older women should be talking about them about this at all…and that’s just the thing. I don’t feel its my place to say anything. That sounds like more of the job of a trusted male adult to do that sort of thing you suggest. I certainly did not know most of the boys there watching it. I only know of the two that are my friends kids. I did not want to be around them. Still don’t really.

I was joking about that one. I’d just have explained that it made you uncomfortable and why it was wrong. Maybe say something to the effect that those women are someone’s daughter or sister etc. I would definitely have told the parents. Though if the parents weren’t concerned then it’s out of your hands really.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Actually, it is that easy.

Yes, you can just say that, and do that. You are an adult, family friend or not, you decide who you spend time with.

Fine, if they are invited to an event you attend, be polite and kind to them. That does NOT mean you have to accept invitations to their home, invite them to yours, etc.

You need not converse with then at all, really.

I think it might help to note here I suffer from illness that disables me. I need my family around me. I am not married. I don’t have the ability to just get up and go anywhere and do anything I want due to illness. Often, emotional upsets make it worse for me, exacerbates the illness. I have had to learn how to keep my cool not only just for moral faith purposes, but especially for health purposes too.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I was joking about that one. I’d just have explained that it made you uncomfortable and why it was wrong. Maybe say something to the effect that those women are someone’s daughter or sister etc. I would definitely have told the parents. Though if the parents weren’t concerned then it’s out of your hands really.

Oh, sorry I missed that as a joke. Sometimes hard to read posts as the poster meant. I apologize.

I do think this is out of my hands… though I do think I should have told the friend about it.

 

[AdamP88]

Oh, sorry I missed that as a joke. Sometimes hard to read posts as the poster meant. I apologize.

I do think this is out of my hands… though I do think I should have told the friend about it.

No worries.

You could still mention it.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Oh, sorry I missed that as a joke. Sometimes hard to read posts as the poster meant. I apologize.

I do think this is out of my hands… though I do think I should have told the friend about it.

Put it this way: leaving aside the (many) moral issues involved, this kind of behavior is considered Just Plain Rude by generally-accepted standards, and it will well-behoove the young gentlemen in question to learn that sooner rather than later.

I have a number of non-Catholic, secular friends. I’d hazard a guess that at least a few of them don’t have a problem with porn from a moral perspective. Nonetheless, they wouldn’t dream of pulling up porn when I’m in the room. Why? Because it would make me uncomfortable, and that’s not something you do to either a guest or a host.

Again, from an entirely secular perspective: in a few years, it’s reasonable to assume that these kids will be holding down jobs. Doing something like that on the clock or at a place of business is an excellent way to get fired for sexual harassment/inappropriate behavior.