Can someone tell me how to handle this situation?

[Latinitas]

From the background info, it sounds like if you said anything to your friend or her husband, you may have been fighting a losing battle! BUT, I wouldn’t let it stop me from saying something! Comfortable, no!!!

You said that the boys are: not supervised, given unlimited access to audiovisuals/electronics, the parents have an “anything goes” mentality in regard to sex, and on top of all that, Dad has a stack of magazines that objectify women in the privacy of the bathroom!!! Wow!!!

This brings back memories. In my early 20’s, my husband’s cousin hired me for a couple of years as a nanny for her 4 yr old son and 2 yr old daughter. The children’s dad had multiple copies of Playboy magazines toilet side and a sign in the basement just feet away from his kiddos toys that said, “I love p*$$y”. He also asked his son if he had ever seen me take a shower and when he said “Yes” the dad said, “You’re lucky.” So you can imagine the direction things can easily go in when THIS is the example for impressionable boys.
In this case, the parents divorced soon after. The dad had a terrible drinking problem which killed him a few years later. My husband’s cousin remarried a man who was very devoted to her and the kids and a great role model!

I believe so much of what we learn comes from the examples set by Mom and Dad or whoever the adult figure in a child’s life is. 2nd, of course, is the peer group. The media and society have not helped out much either. I recently heard the statement that anyone we choose to spend time with either increases our standards or lowers them. This is SO true for children, but I think also important as adults. I guess the message these kids need to hear from a responsible adult is “It’s NOT ok”.

I hope you don’t have to deal with anything like this again. God bless you!

Wow. I shutter to think of a parent having such material visible to their children. What a scandal. It’s hard enough when you’re a parent not to occasionally scandalize your children by accidentally letting some immodest language slip, some unwarranted anger show etc., so the last thing you need is to have pornography around. We ought to pray for him.

Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

 

[AnneElizabeth]

From the background info, it sounds like if you said anything to your friend or her husband, you may have been fighting a losing battle! BUT, I wouldn’t let it stop me from saying something! Comfortable, no!!!

You said that the boys are: not supervised, given unlimited access to audiovisuals/electronics, the parents have an “anything goes” mentality in regard to sex, and on top of all that, Dad has a stack of magazines that objectify women in the privacy of the bathroom!!! Wow!!!

This brings back memories. In my early 20’s, my husband’s cousin hired me for a couple of years as a nanny for her 4 yr old son and 2 yr old daughter. The children’s dad had multiple copies of Playboy magazines toilet side and a sign in the basement just feet away from his kiddos toys that said, “I love p*$$y”. He also asked his son if he had ever seen me take a shower and when he said “Yes” the dad said, “You’re lucky.” So you can imagine the direction things can easily go in when THIS is the example for impressionable boys.
In this case, the parents divorced soon after. The dad had a terrible drinking problem which killed him a few years later. My husband’s cousin remarried a man who was very devoted to her and the kids and a great role model!

I believe so much of what we learn comes from the examples set by Mom and Dad or whoever the adult figure in a child’s life is. 2nd, of course, is the peer group. The media and society have not helped out much either. I recently heard the statement that anyone we choose to spend time with either increases our standards or lowers them. This is SO true for children, but I think also important as adults. I guess the message these kids need to hear from a responsible adult is “It’s NOT ok”.

I hope you don’t have to deal with anything like this again. God bless you!

Wow. That is awful. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m also glad husband’s cousin remarried someone decent. The friend I’m talking about- she and her husband are not that blatant, but I don’t believe it has to be that blatant to do damage. The implications are still there behind it all and the damage is the same.

The statement about anyone we choose to spend time with either increases or standards or lowers them is true. I had a well meaning mother tell me when I was a grade school kid to find the kids without friends and to make friends with them… well, a lot of the time those are the kids that come from troubled homes with horrible parents, who also have serious problems- I soon found out. I’d have to say its a nice thing to do- to befriend someone who needs a friend, and I think that’s what we are told to do when we are Christians, but it sure can affect you for worse, internally. I know now that was well meaning but not good advice as it did effect me making friends with those that didn’t have friends- not so much as in behavioral, but emotional- too much stress to cope with at a young age, problems I should have probably never heard about until I was at an age to understand better. I’ve spent a lot of time pondering that since most of the time the people who need God the most are the ones that aren’t the ones you should hang out with for precisely the reasons that our standards get effected. I’m pretty sure God just doesn’t want us to divvy out material goods as if that’s the only thing people in need, need. I’m pretty sure most of them are love starved, (As in real love, as in God’s pure love. Its never been modeled to them) and that is what makes them ‘dangerous’. You really have to be strong in the Lord to really handle it well. … not get pulled down, effected emotionally. Its difficult to see people in need and still have faith in God.
Shame that man died a drunk lecher. Makes you wonder what happened to him to turn out so full of filth. I don't really want to know for fear of it.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Once, I witnessed a friend’s child do something I wouldn’t have been ok with, but that I wasn’t sure about the friend’s opinion. I told her, not in a judging way, but just in a “from one mom to another” way. I said something like, "I’m not sure if this is something that that you’re aware of or if it is something that you mind or not, but when I walked into the room, your daughter was… "

In your case, you could say something like this: “When I was there the other day, the boys were … I didn’t say anything at first, to them or to you, because I know that you and I have different views on these things. But after some thought, I figured that if it were me, I’d appreciate being informed, so I’m just letting you know.”

Now this situation is actually so offensive, that I wouldn’t consider it wrong to tell the parent about how offended you were, or tell her why what happened was such a bad idea. But I do think that at a minimum, the parent should just be informed, because the parent’s authority over the children should be respected. After all, how can she be ok or not ok with the behavior, if she isn’t aware of the behavior? So you tell them non-judgmentally that you witnessed something, and then let them do what they please with the information.

And I understand that these are people you may not be able to avoid, but it confuses me that you were at her house, and then you stayed there when she left. Did she need you to babysit? If you agreed to babysit, then you would have grounds to say to the kids (and to her later), “I’m in charge, and this isn’t allowed under my watch.” If not, I think I would have been uncomfortable from the moment she left the house and I was there alone with the kids. If such a situation were to arise in the future, I would leave with the friend. Actually, what I would really do in the future is to avoid this situation like the plague, by not going to the friend’s house.

If I’m understanding your situation correctly, you can’t completely avoid these people because they are around your family, right? So my long term advice would be to maintain a passive connection to them, but not an active one. In other words, when you end up in the same room, be pleasant, but don’t cultivate a relationship on your own. If you do this, you will not likely find yourself in one-on-one situations with them, and yet it won’t appear that you are shunning your family’s friends. When there are other people present when they are there, it is easy to drift away from an offensive conversation, and you are not “the one” with the responsibility to deal with them or their kids. Be kind, but become unavailable for alone-time.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

… it confuses me that you were at her house, and then you stayed there when she left. …

She got a phone call in which she had to leave only momentarily. (pick someone up) She was coming right back.    The kids were not with us when she left.  They were not in the room.  They were not even in the house.   They were somewhere else- either at a neighbors, or their backyard.. I'm not sure.  As I stated before, the kids move from house to house in the neighborhood.   They were not with us when she left..  After she left, when they were walking into the room I was at , they all were already huddled around the iphone making remarks.   They continued doing what they were doing.  When I realized what they were doing (didn't take long and I could see the screen from where I was sitting)  I left.

I hope this is more clear. I realize someone else here thought she had merely taken the phone call out of the room to speak in private, but this is not the case… Sorry, I didn’t think I had to be so detailed.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

…
If I’m understanding your situation correctly, you can’t completely avoid these people because they are around your family, right? So my long term advice would be to maintain a passive connection to them, but not an active one. In other words, when you end up in the same room, be pleasant, but don’t cultivate a relationship on your own. If you do this, you will not likely find yourself in one-on-one situations with them, and yet it won’t appear that you are shunning your family’s friends. When there are other people present when they are there, it is easy to drift away from an offensive conversation, and you are not “the one” with the responsibility to deal with them or their kids. Be kind, but become unavailable for alone-time.

Thank you for your advice.

 

[mlz]

i think as an adult children that age need STRONGLY need guidance by adults and do few adults are doing this sadly. Yes, I would speak up as the adult in the room since she was out. Then I would explain what happened when she returned explaining why you did it. Hopefully she will be grateful, if not you did what any adult should do in that situation and not be ashamed. I would also increase my prayers for these young souls and your friend. Silence is killing our society and our children.

In His Love,
mlz