Can you be friends with someone who is gay?

[SecretGarden]

Friends absolutely. The fact you experimented when you were 18, stinks but all teenagers get into sometype of mischief when they are young. My question is more towards you: does your guy know that you experimented when you were 18. If yes, you are ok, if not, you might want to reveal that to him at some point in order to avoid the awkward moment if it ever comes up in conversation when that friend is around.

Sometimes big secrets from our past have a habit of coming up and it is best to be upfront with it in order to avoid this: whole time you lied to me, why didn’t you feel me this secret, I don’t know you, etc- negative feelings that could cause some hurt in the future as well as other problems as well.

 

[PietroPaolo]

A lot of it depends on the gay person. Increasingly, it is they who will not be friends with us.

 

[Valiente88]

Just my two cents as an outsider…

Honestly? No, how can you? As a Catholic (if you follow Official teaching, I’m aware most don’t) you are obliged to believe that your friend is committing one of the few sins that “cry out to heaven for vengeance”, one of the single worst sins a person can commit that the bible highlights on several occasions as worthy of death and eternal torment.

At the very best and most merciful you have to want to desire him to be alone, to split up from his partner and to live a life detached from society (he can’t have close male friends and cannot have close female friends, because of the near occasion of sin and scandal respectively).

If I was him, I’m not sure I’d want a friend who continually wishes misery on me because for the non beliver that is what they will see. You can say love the sinner and hate the sin, but in such a case the “sin” is a core aspect of what makes him “him” and his life content, so you’re obliged to hate him and what makes him happy (his boyfreind).

I think it’s less can you be freinds with him, and more why would he want to be freinds with you?

 

[Gertabelle]

Um, if the friend is truly homosexual, then no, they CAN’T change. It would be not only pointless, but downright WRONG to try to get a homosexual person to somehow become heterosexual. At most, you’d just be making them anxious about something they can’t change. In the end, we can choose whom we love, but not to whom we feel attracted.

I don’t know what the OP’s sexual orientation is. She might be bisexual, or she might be homosexual and made the decision (hopefully with full knowledge of her husband) that the emotional and financial benefits of marriage were worth sacrificing sexual attraction. On the other hand, there are a great many heterosexual women who can become sexually aroused by the female form and confuse this phenomenon for genuine sexual attraction (especially in adolescence. Nevertheless, concluding that people can change sexual orientation at will is NOT the correct conclusion.

I get so frustrated when people post how homosexuals can’t change, and that if someone says they have changed that they’re somehow wrong about their own life.

Yup, I’m one of those used-to-be-lesbian types who dares to say that people are not necessarily born that way. I’m a witness by my very life – after ten years of marching in the parades and singing at the rallies and performing in all sorts venues singing and screaming I was born this way, and ten years of dating women and even “marrying” a woman… I now have not one bit of same-sex attraction (SSA). I’m no wrong about my former SSA, and its exclusivity. I’m not wrong about my current feelings. I’m not wrong about my past sexual orientation and my present sexual orientation. I’m not denying anything or repressing anything – I’m just a woman who used to be gay, and now by God’s grace and the healing of my heart, I’m a straight woman.

There are all sorts of people who try to tell me they know me better than I know myself and my own life.

There is no empirical proof based on peer-reviewed scientific studies showing that people with SSA can never change. Neither does one case – mine – constitute the entire truth, of course. But I’m am not the only one who has changed.

Once again, just sharing my two cents’ worth to keep the truth coming on this topic…

Gertie

 

[Gertabelle]

To answer the OP, absolutely you can be friends with someone who is gay!

We are called to be IN the world (and not OF the world). We are not to be isolationists in our faith. We’re supposed to be the salt of the earth, the light of the world – not just our comfy little Catholic cliques.

IMO, conversions are borne of experiencing the love of Christ, and the love of Christ is experienced in the actions and service of His followers in the world.

So not only can you be friends with someone who is gay, you are called to truly get to know him and love him, and to be Christ to him. This isn’t about preaching to him. It’s about loving relationships.

Be the best friend you can be

God bless you!

Gertie

 

[whm]

What if your Gay friends aren’t Catholics, so do not regard their relationship as any sort of “sin”?

Well yes it is still a sin regardless of your beliefs. Their capability may diminished based on how much they know.

I have several friends who are in Gay relationships and very much enjoy their company.
Their private life is exactly that - private.

Agreed.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

So here is a little about me:
when I fell out of the church at 18, I had a relationship with a girl (the same gender as me). I knew I felt wrong about it, and refused to tell my parents and felt ashamed deep down even though I tried to act like a big rebel at the time. I am now married to one of the most wonderful men in the world and have never looked back.
So my question is this: I was friends with a boy (now a man) for a while that is homosexual. I am wondering if this is wrong? I feel a little hypocritical saying “your lifestyle isn’t right” when he knows darn well my history, but I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t show support by going to his house or conversing with him a lot. What does everyone think as a fellow Catholic? Answers would be greatly appreciated

Yes, you can be friends with him. What exactly do you think you are going to support by interacting with him like a human being?

This is if the person is sexually active in a homosexual relationship. I believe that it dangerous to spend a great deal of time with anyone who is in perpetual state of MORTAL sin. Would we spend time with chronic adulterers? Or robbers? St. Paul warns not to keep company with anyone who calls himself a brother but indulges in such behavior. The Bible also says that bad company corrupts good manners. Just my opinion.

Or how about people who divorced and remarried? Catholics who weren’t married in the Church?

You might be the example for them that they can change.

There is no evidence that she experienced an orientation change.

Unchaste → chaste.

I think that’s the change robwar meant.

It’s almost always meant that they can change orientations.

I get so frustrated when people post how homosexuals can’t change, and that if someone says they have changed that they’re somehow wrong about their own life.

Yup, I’m one of those used-to-be-lesbian types who dares to say that people are not necessarily born that way. I’m a witness by my very life – after ten years of marching in the parades and singing at the rallies and performing in all sorts venues singing and screaming I was born this way, and ten years of dating women and even “marrying” a woman… I now have not one bit of same-sex attraction (SSA). I’m no wrong about my former SSA, and its exclusivity. I’m not wrong about my current feelings. I’m not wrong about my past sexual orientation and my present sexual orientation. I’m not denying anything or repressing anything – I’m just a woman who used to be gay, and now by God’s grace and the healing of my heart, I’m a straight woman.

There are all sorts of people who try to tell me they know me better than I know myself and my own life.

There is no empirical proof based on peer-reviewed scientific studies showing that people with SSA can never change. Neither does one case – mine – constitute the entire truth, of course. But I’m am not the only one who has changed.

Once again, just sharing my two cents’ worth to keep the truth coming on this topic…

Gertie

The data shows that sexualities can change (in either direction), but there are certain caveats, a) it doesn’t happen often, b) it is much rarer in males, c) orientation change therapy is ineffectual at best (fares no better than background rate).

So, they can change however it simply happens as opposed to something you can will.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

My best friend for the past 11 years is gay. He was right there when I was accepted into the church, I was there when he became a deacon in his church. We’ve comforted each other through every hardship and celebrated every milestone and accomplishment. My life has been absolutely enriched by him being in it.

 

[Havard]

It’s almost always meant that they can change orientations.

I think I heard the Debbie Downer “wonk-wonk” while reading this.

My experience isn’t nearly so bleak.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Sometimes I think a better question might be, can a person who is sexually active as a homosexual can be friends with a Catholic? While I might not judge them for the sin of sex outside of marriage, they might judge me for my belief in marriage being between a man and a woman, or that sex should only be in marriage (which is a man and woman).

Great point. I have been judged for my faith by a number of secular friends.

There is no sin involved in being friends with people who live alternative lifestyles, but it is sinful to support them in it. Not sure how to navigate that. I have friends who cohabit and are engaged in immoral behaviour. I don’t preach to them, but simply refrain from making any comments when it comes to these things. I have on occasion been explicitly called to express my support and that ended up in a strained relationship with a couple of people. I guess tolerance only goes one way in some cases.

There are friendships where we can be completely honest and the friend is honest with us, and there are no hard feelings when people disagree. And there are “friendships” where one must walk on eggshells when it comes to certain topics. Not sure if that is a true friendship. Maybe these people are just good acquaintances, I don’t know.

 

[therose01]

I don’t see it as a sin. I have a few gay friends, I’m friends with them because they have awesome personalities - we do not discuss their sexual orientation.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

I think I heard the Debbie Downer “wonk-wonk” while reading this.

My experience isn’t nearly so bleak.

Usually when someone says their experience isn’t so bleak it’s because the person has been counting all those times where they assumed the person meant “become chaste” even when that probably wasn’t the case.

This forum sure does love it’s orientation change stories and eats them up by the dozen when the truth is I think only Gertabelle actually qualifies as orientation change.

The actual numbers for men experiencing genuine orientation change are so bad that no one wants to do a ten year follow up because at that point between the number who “un-changed” and the number who commit suicide there might not be anyone left. Just take a look at the founders of Exodus.

Great point. I have been judged for my faith by a number of secular friends.

There is no sin involved in being friends with people who live alternative lifestyles, but it is sinful to support them in it. Not sure how to navigate that. I have friends who cohabit and are engaged in immoral behaviour. I don’t preach to them, but simply refrain from making any comments when it comes to these things. I have on occasion been explicitly called to express my support and that ended up in a strained relationship with a couple of people. I guess tolerance only goes one way in some cases.

There are friendships where we can be completely honest and the friend is honest with us, and there are no hard feelings when people disagree. And there are “friendships” where one must walk on eggshells when it comes to certain topics. Not sure if that is a true friendship. Maybe these people are just good acquaintances, I don’t know.

Presumably by “alternative lifestyles” you also include those who have divorce and remarried?

 

[Royalist]

I’m not a “homophobe” or else I would never have been friends with him in the first place. What I am afraid of is sin. Thanks,

I will warn you that many of the posters on this allegedly Catholic forum have views which are entirely contrary to the Church’s teaching on faith and morals. Often they aren’t even Catholic themselves. I would not look to those posters for advice on moral issues. In this case, they don’t believe that homosexual behavior is wrong, so of course they see nothing problematic about having homosexual friends.

Having said that… yes, you can be friends with sinners, even sinners with serious sexual disorders. You could be friends with a bigamist and his wives. You can be friends with the single guy who has 300 pairs of women’s shoes in his closet, too. But you have to decide if it’s prudent in any particular case.

If you have children, I would not advise this friendship, as this is not something your children should be exposed too.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

If you have children, I would not advise this friendship, as this is not something your children should be exposed too.

Aaaaaand this is where the GLBT Wagons get their gasoline.

 

[ellam25]

Aaaaaand this is where the GLBT Wagons get their gasoline.

They’re sensitive no matter what we say, might as well be honest haha.
However, I do not have children and the way I see it as long as my friend isn’t dicussing his sex life or his boyfriends with my kids, I am ok with it. That’s true for straight people too, I don’t want my children being exposed to that kind of stuff. For instance, when we were little, my sisters and I would always hang out with my cool aunt, and when i was 18 I found out she was an alcoholic and slept around (she had an std I believe.) Never would have known because she didn’t talk to us about that. Anyway kind of veering off topic but my two cents about the children.
The only thing I don’t want is to show support to my friends lifestyle. As long as we can still be friends and knows that I am a strong Catholic and not supportive of his sexual lifestyle…I have definietly taken something from this thread, thank you all

 

[Emily2014]

I will warn you that many of the posters on this allegedly Catholic forum have views which are entirely contrary to the Church’s teaching on faith and morals. Often they aren’t even Catholic themselves. I would not look to those posters for advice on moral issues. In this case, they don’t believe that homosexual behavior is wrong, so of course they see nothing problematic about having homosexual friends.

Having said that… yes, you can be friends with sinners, even sinners with serious sexual disorders. You could be friends with a bigamist and his wives. You can be friends with the single guy who has 300 pairs of women’s shoes in his closet, too. But you have to decide if it’s prudent in any particular case.

If you have children, I would not advise this friendship, as this is not something your children should be exposed too.

This is the sort of attitude that drives people away from Catholicism. It makes me ashamed to be a Catholic.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

They’re sensitive no matter what we say, might as well be honest haha.

Sorry but that’s a poor excuse to rile them up without due provocation. Believe me, you’re getting this from someone who isn’t afraid to poke fun at the whole bunch on a regular basis. I’ve seen better jabs at the homosexual lifestyle than the crass bigotry that’s often the characteristic of 50s-era suburbanites.

This is the sort of attitude that drives people away from Catholicism. It makes me ashamed to be a Catholic.

It makes me ashamed to even have a religion.

 

[Gertabelle]

They’re sensitive no matter what we say, might as well be honest haha.
However, I do not have children and the way I see it as long as my friend isn’t dicussing his sex life or his boyfriends with my kids, I am ok with it. That’s true for straight people too, I don’t want my children being exposed to that kind of stuff. For instance, when we were little, my sisters and I would always hang out with my cool aunt, and when i was 18 I found out she was an alcoholic and slept around (she had an std I believe.) Never would have known because she didn’t talk to us about that. Anyway kind of veering off topic but my two cents about the children.
The only thing I don’t want is to show support to my friends lifestyle. As long as we can still be friends and knows that I am a strong Catholic and not supportive of his sexual lifestyle…I have definietly taken something from this thread, thank you all

Don’t worry about Royalist’s opinion on this. I am a mom, and I have no problem with my son knowing and respecting people who do not share our faith or live according to Catholic teachings. Our home is the domestic Church, and we talk about the teachings of the Church – moral, theological, liturgical. He is growing in his understanding of the faith, and growing (I pray) in his relationship with Christ.

It’s one thing to say to him “We are to love the sinner and hate the sin” and another thing entirely to put our love for others into a living action. If I don’t model for him what love and service looks like, then our faith is just lip service. As a mom, part of my vocation is to teach my son how to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Mt. 10:16), and how to be in the world but not of the world. At the same time that I am teaching him to protect his heart by what we allow into his eyes and ears (tv, radio, books), I am also teaching him how to interact with the world in which we live.

Just love your friend and be yourself. If he asks about your faith, answer his questions. But don’t feel the need to preach. Be the best Catholic and friend you can be

 

[youkokun]

As someone who was involved in the GSA as my highschool and got pulled onto the bandwagon, I strongly urge caution. I also support what Royalist said.

We are called to exercise prudence, too. Guard your thoughts by not accidentally leaving your mind open during a routine visit to his house. Subconsciously you could start thinking “what a nice couple”, that they manage to be nice people despite living in sin. You will become desensitized.

We are called to witness, not mingle. Love this guy by being clear. We’re not supposed to attend gay weddings, so what makes you think you can slip the whole issue under the rug on a daily basis? I don’t call that an adult way of handling friendship, I call that deception.

Please, please be prudent.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

Subconsciously you could start thinking “what a nice couple”, that they manage to be nice people despite living in sin. You will become desensitized.

Is this Church truly established by Christ or institutionalized masochism? Honestly, I’m starting to think that threads like these serve to give a kick to people with a persecution complex.

Better to be ‘desensitized’ than to keep stoking an already ridiculous culture war.