Can you honor your parents while giving them criticism?

[GilleChriosd]

Here is question that has been on my mind recently: Is it possible to honor your father and mother while calling them out on the stuff they do? I am naturally a person who is non argumentative or directly rebellious even when I feel I have been treated wrong. When I perceive the same wrongs appearing over and over again I wonder if a certain amount of these things are necessary. I just fear that I am blaming them for my wrongs instead of facing my own sins.

What do you guys think? Is there a way to honor them while giving them criticism? Should I acknowledge my flaws while telling them I see flaws in them too? Or should I do something else completely?

 

[Xantippe]

Here is question that has been on my mind recently: Is it possible to honor your father and mother while calling them out on the stuff they do? I am naturally a person who is non argumentative or directly rebellious even when I feel I have been treated wrong. When I perceive the same wrongs appearing over and over again I wonder if a certain amount of these things are necessary. I just fear that I am blaming them for my wrongs instead of facing my own sins.

What do you guys think? Is there a way to honor them while giving them criticism? Should I acknowledge my flaws while telling them I see flaws in them too? Or should I do something else completely?

Are you a legal adult? Do you live under their roof? Are you economically independent?

If you aren’t, you’re probably not going to get much of a hearing.

Also, even if you are a grown adult, living elsewhere, and not economically dependent on them, it may still be an uphill battle, depending on the subject.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, even under the best circumstances, you don’t get unlimited opportunities to offer advice.

So, if you offer advice, you need to prioritize. Ask for only one thing at a time, and don’t always be asking for something.

 

[GilleChriosd]

I am a college student and it’s my first time living outside of home at a dorm. I still go back home on weekends. I understand your point but it feels like saying nothing isn’t doing much for my confidence. I feel like just accepting everything they do may be counterproductive.

 

[historybrat]

Here is question that has been on my mind recently: Is it possible to honor your father and mother while calling them out on the stuff they do? I am naturally a person who is non argumentative or directly rebellious even when I feel I have been treated wrong. When I perceive the same wrongs appearing over and over again I wonder if a certain amount of these things are necessary. I just fear that I am blaming them for my wrongs instead of facing my own sins.

What do you guys think? Is there a way to honor them while giving them criticism? Should I acknowledge my flaws while telling them I see flaws in them too? Or should I do something else completely?

I think Xantippe has given some good advice. As I’ve had to face something similar with my parents (as an adult), I would add a couple of things.

1. If possible try have the conversation in a neutral place for both parties. Its not to avoid any public outbursts or what not but keeps everyone involved from feeling trapped or attacked in a place that they feel safe in.
2. Keep it short, to the point, and factual. Its too easy to get emotional, which in turn makes the other person emotional (which could be good or bad). If you go on and on, it just makes the person feel attacked.

 

[Xantippe]

I am a college student and it’s my first time living outside of home at a dorm. I still go back home on weekends. I understand your point but it feels like saying nothing isn’t doing much for my confidence. I feel like just accepting everything they do may be counterproductive.

It depends very much on what the thing is.

I don’t know what your issues are, but here are some sample sentences for you:

“Mom, I’m going to be washing my clothes.” And then (if that’s the issue), you wash your clothes.

“Dad, I’ll be back around 10.” (And then be back around 10.)

“I don’t care for this show. I’ll be working in my room.” (And then leave.)

Just keep it very quick and very simple.

Also, you don’t have to go back home every single weekend (unless your parents absolutely insist).

 

[GilleChriosd]

Also I don’t have a job and I’m not financially independent yet just so you know.

 

[Xantippe]

Also I don’t have a job and I’m not financially independent yet just so you know.

Yeah. That doesn’t help.

 

[GilleChriosd]

Thanks for the posts so far. Keeping it quick and simple is probably a good idea. What I’m wondering though is how much is that honoring them? What would you define as honoring them?
To not go into too much detail, I feel my parents way of thinking is simplistic at times sometimes black and white. They say that school is the most important thing right now and it makes me feel a bit trapped. The details are a bit complicated but I probably need to head to bed soon for tonight. As for heading home each weekend, I would feel a bit guilty if I didn’t because they do miss me and my brother when we are away. This is a new experience for all of us

 

[GilleChriosd]

I think my biggest problem is that it seems like a lot is decided for me and a chunk of those decisions don’t feel like the right course of action. I am a quiet individual who has a problem about not speaking up against something. It just seems like speaking up about their flaws would help me overcome that which is one reason I ask.

 

[historybrat]

I think my biggest problem is that it seems like a lot is decided for me and a chunk of those decisions don’t feel like the right course of action. I am a quiet individual who has a problem about not speaking up against something. It just seems like speaking up about their flaws would help me overcome that which is one reason I ask.

So I’m not an expert by any means but given what you mentioned, why focus any conversations on their flaws/faults? Why not focus the conversation on what you need/think? Treat them with respect but you also be your own person.

 

[Xantippe]

So I’m not an expert by any means but given what you mentioned, why focus any conversations on their flaws/faults? Why not focus the conversation on what you need/think? Treat them with respect but you also be your own person.

Right.

Focus on what you need and what you think.

Here’s another sample conversation.

Dad: You should be a doctor! Doctors make a lot of money!

OP: I’ve been talking to my math professor. He thinks that I have a lot of potential and he’d like me to apply for graduate school in math. I’m going to look into it.

Dad: Blah blah blah blah blah.

OP: We can talk about this later.

 

[GilleChriosd]

I guess I’m afraid that will just be dismissed. I have had conversations with them before regarding what I need in my live. I am glad I had those conversations but it doesn’t seem to have much of an impact on them. They say they are glad that I told them that I was having problems and feeling trapped sometimes and they said they are here to help whenever I need them. But overall, it feels like nothing has changed much. I am just looking for something that will reap better results.

Some of my opinions have departed from theirs significantly. My father is pretty conservative but after seeing some of the arguments from the other side I am moderate. They also have a pretty simplistic view of God that I am very far removed from that sees God as more of a good luck charm for those that do good.

 

[Purgatory_Pete]

Honouring ones parents is more about you NOT doing something to Dishonour them,
Like becoming a pornstar or selling drugs or cheating others,
It has little to do with correcting them.
in fact to allow a parent to go on down the wrong path,
is in itself dishonouring them.

You can disagree with another person in an honourable and
respectful way.

Just learn to treat them gently and patiently as you sort out your differences,
After a few honest BUT calm talks you should all be on the same page,
or at lease know where each others boundaries are.

Hope this helped.
:tiphat:

 

[ServusHumilis]

I’ve read in the Bible not to do what you’re thinking of doing.

 

[Dorothy]

Jesus both honored his mother and “called her out” on stuff she said and did, so I’m thinking it’s a-okay.

For example:

John 2:4–“Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.”

Mark 3:32-34–A crowd was sitting around Him, and they said to Him, “Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are outside looking for You.” Answering them, He said, “Who are My mother and My brothers?” Looking about at those who were sitting around Him, He said, "Behold My mother and My brothers!..

.

Jesus was not faulting his mother on those occasions.

He, the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity, the God-man, gave her many privileges of grace which she lived up to.

 

[GilleChriosd]

Thanks for the advice everyone and sorry for not posting. What I am hearing is that yes it is ok to tell them that I think it is better to take a different course/approach than the one they set out but I shouldn’t flood them with complaints all at once. I should calmly discuss it over the course of several conversations (I can definitely see the point that saying too much at once will feel like an attack on them).

I guess my next question is this: Is there a certain amount of their wishes that I should go against? If so, what is the limit?

If they told me that I shouldn’t spend so much time doing Christian related things (mainly church or talking with Christian friends) should I tell them that that can’t happen?
Nothing like this has happened yet but I wonder if they will think it is enough of a distraction for me that I shouldn’t fool with it right now even though I do think it will help me in some ways.

 

[GilleChriosd]

Honouring ones parents is more about you NOT doing something to Dishonour them,
Like becoming a pornstar or selling drugs or cheating others,
It has little to do with correcting them.
in fact to allow a parent to go on down the wrong path,
is in itself dishonouring them.

You can disagree with another person in an honourable and
respectful way.

Just learn to treat them gently and patiently as you sort out your differences,
After a few honest BUT calm talks you should all be on the same page,
or at lease know where each others boundaries are.

Hope this helped.
:tiphat:

I just wonder if I treat them too “gently and patiently” sometimes. I have a problem trying to admit my flaws, mistakes, and/or difference of opinion to them. I’ve been getting better but it still is hard.

 

[gardenswithkids]

35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you made me welcome,

36 lacking clothes and you clothed me, sick and you visited me, in prison and you came to see me."

37 Then the upright will say to him in reply, "Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?

38 When did we see you a stranger and make you welcome, lacking clothes and clothe you?

39 When did we find you sick or in prison and go to see you?"

40 And the King will answer, “In truth I tell you, in so far as you did this to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:35-40

Be careful when criticizing the faith and behavior of those who took you in when you were naked and clothed you, who gave you food when you were hungry, who gave you drink when you were thirsty, who cared for you when you were sick and who first welcomed you into the world when you were a stranger. You probably didn’t think of yourself as a naked, hungry, stranger, but babies are born naked. That’s how you came to them and they welcomed you, and they continue to welcome and support you.

Sure, your parents aren’t perfect. Guess what? No one’s parents are, except Jesus’, but even His mother was only perfect because He made her that way.

I would venture to say that it would do far more harm than good for you to criticize your parents. It would reek of ingratitude. Such ingratitude might be a stumbling block to anything else you might hope to witness to them about your faith.

You would honor your parents by showing them gratitude for any good they’ve done towards you and for what they are currently doing for you, and forgiveness for anything they’ve done wrong towards you. If you don’t want the college education and all the other things they are giving you now, you are an adult so you don’t have to accept it. You’re old enough to try supporting yourself. But if you are going to accept your parents’ help, the proper response is, “Thank you”.

 

[GilleChriosd]

Be careful when criticizing the faith and behavior of those who took you in when you were naked and clothed you, who gave you food when you were hungry, who gave you drink when you were thirsty, who cared for you when you were sick and who first welcomed you into the world when you were a stranger. You probably didn’t think of yourself as a naked, hungry, stranger, but babies are born naked. The only home they have is the one their parents share with them.

Sure, your parents aren’t perfect. Guess what? No one’s parents are, except Jesus’, but even His mother was only perfect because He made her that way.

I would venture to say that it would do far more harm than good for you to criticize your parents. It would reek of ingratitude. Such ingratitude might be a stumbling block to anything else you might hope to witness to them about your faith.

You would honor your parents by showing them gratitude for any good they’ve done towards you and for what they are currently doing for you, and forgiveness for anything they’ve done wrong towards you. If you don’t want the college education and all the other things they are giving you now, you are an adult so you don’t have to accept it. You’re old enough to try supporting yourself. But if you are going to accept your parents’ help, the proper response is, “Thank you”.

I understand your point and I agree. I have wonderful parents despite all their flaws. I just don’t know if I should stay silent as these thoughts go through my head. I am thankful for the college education but with these thoughts I cannot put it to full use. It just feels like I’m always trying to please them but ending up failing them because I didn’t want to risk offending them.