Cancer..and New relationship

[silicasandra]

I guess I just feel like I need to find out where he is… in this relationship.

And I shouldn’t have to ASK him to check in on me or text me…to see how I’m doing, right?

I want to talk to him tonight - when he gets back. What SHOULD I say to him and what SHOULDN"T? I obviously shouldn’t bring up his kids… but with this opportunity for a move…I want to guage things. But - I obviously know that he’s already worried that I would leave him …to move to another city. So, I don’t want to THREATEN him in a place where he’s already vulverable.

So what is okay to say … so I don’t have to worry about saying TOO Much?

In response to needing to ask him to check up on you…maybe. He might think the texting is good enough. He may not be getting your hints. My husband is like that. It took me a while to realize that he wasn’t being a coldhearted jerk, he just didn’t realize that the support I needed was different than what he was offering.

So if you haven’t told him, explicitly, that you want him to come to your appointments, or make sure to call you instead of text on those days, then tell him so. If you have told him, but he dismisses you or doesn’t make the effort to comply after you ask…then yeah, get out of that relationship.

I won’t deny that based on your OP I get the same bad vibe a lot off other posters have, but I do want to caution you about expecting any man to be a mind reader. Imagined hurt can cover up other much more serious issues.

 

[lostinCA]

Well - I want to ask him about the state of our relationship…

Is that too much? 3.5 months in?

Here’s the thing that worries me… We started out pretty hot and heavy. He had a trip planned for the holidays and he invited me to go with …and meet his family AND his kids.

But then … I made the mistake of sleeping with him. I know…I know. Big mistake. Then suddenly he told me that he needed to wait on me meeting the kids. I freaked out on him and told him I couldn’t believe that he was just using me for S*X. He said that wasn’t the case at all…I said well that why did you tell me this the DAY AFTER we had gone there…

He said it was just a coincidence…that he had been meaning to tell me that…and had forgotten. It just seemed TOO close together. The entire time he went on that trip with his kids and family…he was only texting. Even on New Year’s Eve…he was only texting me. I told him after I returned that I was disappointed that for 5 days…he couldn’t call me except ONCE. He said he was just busy with family and that I needed to understand. So - I did…I swallowed my pride and kept my mouth shut…

But …now the same stuff is happening only under differenct circumstances. He will chase me for S*X …but any other time…I feel like I’m not high on the list.

So…I want to have THE talk with him… and see what he says… I just dont’ know how to go about it.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Well - I want to ask him about the state of our relationship…

Is that too much? 3.5 months in?

Here’s the thing that worries me… We started out pretty hot and heavy. He had a trip planned for the holidays and he invited me to go with …and meet his family AND his kids.

But then .. I made the mistake of sleeping with him. I know…I know. Big mistake. Then suddenly he told me that he needed to wait on me meeting the kids. I freaked out on him and told him I couldn’t believe that he was just using me for S*X. He said that wasn’t the case at all…I said well that why did you tell me this the DAY AFTER we had gone there…

He said it was just a coincidence…that he had been meaning to tell me that…and had forgotten. It just seemed TOO close together. The entire time he went on that trip with his kids and family…he was only texting. Even on New Year’s Eve…he was only texting me. I told him after I returned that I was disappointed that for 5 days…he couldn’t call me except ONCE. He said he was just busy with family and that I needed to understand. So - I did…I swallowed my pride and kept my mouth shut…

But …now the same stuff is happening only under differenct circumstances. He will chase me for S*X …but any other time…I feel like I’m not high on the list.

So…I want to have THE talk with him… and see what he says… I just dont’ know how to go about it.

I’ll bet you are still sleeping with him, right?

Don’t talk to him about the relationship. He’s already shown you he is not interested in a relationship, at least not the kind of relationship you are looking for.

RUN don’t walk away. There are lots of guys out there without this man’s baggage.

 

[lostinCA]

I was thinking about telling him NO more s*x…considering my health and concerns…I want to do the right thing by Jesus.

I think I will find out real fast…if that’s all he was out for… if he really cared about me…he wouldn’t worry about the physical side… at least that’s what I’m going to tell myself…OVER and OVER again.

Prayers… for strength.

 

[SaintCephas]

Am I expecting too much from him?

Probably.

What should I think?

You might think":
“Hmm, ‘Though this man is apparently not doing what I feel he should do, the Lord Jesus Christ is available, able and willing to meet ALL of my needs beyond what I can imagine.’”

"You might also think":
“A far better use of my time, thoughts and efforts is to for me to spend an hour in adoration and to ask Jesus ‘What should I think?’ Because I know that, during Eucharistic Adoration, I “watch and wait”, I remain “silent” in His Presence and I open myself to His Graces which flow from the Eucharist. By worshiping the Eucharistic Jesus, I become what God wants me to be! The Lord draws me to Himself and gently transforms me: Oh and while I’m there I’ll take some action! I’ll pray for him, his three children and for myself.”

And finally, you might think:
“Hmm…I wonder what Our Blessed Mother Mary thinks about this?”

**May I also humbly note that remarrying is a significant root cause of MANY disorderly and sin blinding family problems today. You might want to consider NOT dating a divorced man. You might also want to consider NOT dating at all. There ARE other ways to spend time and they might prove more fulfilling than dating.
For instance, take a moment to actually consider the time you spend *thinking ***about why this man substitutes little phrases on a phone texting monitor for speaking words on the phone or in person to you. Do you think it would be more fruitful to spend that time in adoration of the Eucharist? After you spend time in Adoration, my final advice is that of Our Blessed Mother’s, “DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU TO DO.” Then watch the miracles flow!

YOU are the righteousness of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior!

 

[Irishmom2]

Do you think I’m asking too much of him? I don’t want to be a crazy psycho girlfriend…I guess I am just wondering what the objective view is.

Also - this week I had been approached with a job offer in Boston. I had told him that I wasn’t going to even go on the interview…for various reasons…one of them …includes him.

Now that this has come up …I have really started to question if I’m making the right decision. I want to talk with him about it…and see if we are in the same place…emotionally. He hasn’t introduced me to his kids yet…although…he has made comments about how we are destined to be together.

It’s a tough subject… for me to bring up. Should I avoid it? Or should I ask him where he’s at? I don’t want to force his hand…

In a way, I think you are expecting too much.
It seems pretty clear that you are not on the same page even though you really want him to be. The fact that you haven’t met his kids because it has only been four months…That is a good thing on his part. He will wait to see if it is a serious relationship before having his kids meet someone. So until that happens, I would say you either need to wait, or move on. I also think that if being in the same place at the same time is an issue for you it will be a problem. I also think that you made a big mistake sleeping eith him, one that I think has changed the relationship for you. You do sound a bit insecure and you keep bringing up finding out where you stand. You are way more into this relationship than he is. I really think it is way too early for you to be pushing for some kind of measure or relationship label. I am sorry, but it is exactly what it is right now. I think the Maya Angelou quote someone posted at the beginning of this thread really says it all.

 

[nespero]

First, I’m very sorry to hear about your cancer. I’m a fellow cancer sufferer, so I know what you are going through. May Jesus give you peace and healing as you walk this difficult path.

On your relationship, and speaking as a man, I see some huge red flags here. The red flags make me very suspicious that either he’s not really divorced, that he’s separated and just wants to have a few flings before he gets reconciled with his wife, or that he is divorced and has more than one relationship on the side. That explains his reluctance to speak on the phone instead of the relative ease of using text messages.

I hate to tell you that, and sincerely hope that I’m wrong, but that’s how I see it. I would run away from this relationship or, at the least, surprise him with a visit when he least expects it.

I’m not going to comment on the fact that he’s divorced, which is another issue, and others have mentioned it.

 

[lostinCA]

You are right. I know this is a hot button topic and one I should also be very concerned about…

But, his wife left him over 2 years ago. He has been fighting it out in court for 2.5 years. Her facebook page shows that she is in a relationship with someone someone else and my boyfriend has told me about it …frequently. He lists himself as divorced… too.
But, he has never even attempted to “friend” me on there…saying he rarely goes on there…

He has told people and friends about me. I have met his parents…etc. I believe that he and his wife are truly on the path to no return. However, he tells me that he doesn’t understand why she’s still fighting and he said once… “maybe she doesn’t really want to be divorced”…

He has 3 kids…and they are always with his ex and her significant other… they are one big happy family…it sounds like. But, I wonder if he’s holding me off…because he worries that his kids will tell their Mom that he’s moved on.

I don’t know…these are just things that go through my head. I really can’t ask him any of this…of course. But, I’d sure like to know what’s behind it all…

It just seems bizarre to me.

 

[maltmom]

So true – I guess that means I should just end it? Or should I talk to him about it?

His ex-wife left him – they have 3 kids. He talks poorly about her all the time…and she may be something awful…I don’t know. But, I bet she felt alone and isolated…too.

Maybe that’s why she left him?

Of course he speaks badly about her. He wouldn’t want to admit any fault on his part. Did she really file for divorce? After two years it should be final. You can get a copy of the filing and any other subsequent filings. This may or may not be an eye opener for you.

I guess I just feel like I need to find out where he is… in this relationship.

You can ask, but it seems that he is already showing you where he is in the relationship. It’s a new relationship and he’s not a committed to it as you,

I was thinking about telling him NO more s*x…considering my health and concerns…I want to do the right thing by Jesus
Prayers… for strength.

Thinking about it. Please realize…you are having sex with a married man. Even if his civil divorce is final, he is still a married man in the eyes of God. Even if he was free to date you already know that you shouldn’t be having sex with him.

He isn’t good for you emotionally or spiritually. I’m praying for you.

 

[Irishmom2]

You are right. I know this is a hot button topic and one I should also be very concerned about…

But, his wife left him over 2 years ago. So? :shrug:He has been fighting it out in court for 2.5 years. Her facebook page shows that she is in a relationship with someone someone else and my boyfriend has told me about it …frequently. He lists himself as divorced… too.
But, he has never even attempted to “friend” me on there…saying he rarely goes on there…And you believe that is why he hasn’t “friended” you ? Even though you have been intimate with him, youaren’t a facebook friend of his…Do you see how ridiculous that sounds?

He has told people and friends about me. I have met his parents…etc. I believe that he and his wife are truly on the path to no return. Even if that is so, that doesn’t mean you are who he will be with next. Why would you need to wait around for the dust to settle with a man that clearly (to us anyway) is not in the same place as you are, or wnat to be?However, he tells me that he doesn’t understand why she’s still fighting and he said once… “maybe she doesn’t really want to be divorced”… Too much information for someone so casual to be telling you. He is not confiding, he is venting.

He has 3 kids…and they are always with his ex and her significant other… they are one big happy family…it sounds like. That is not your concern. But, I wonder if he’s holding me off…because he worries that his kids will tell their Mom that he’s moved on. jSorry, but that does not explain why he is so distant from you.

I don’t know…these are just things that go through my head. I really can’t ask him any of this…of course. But, I’d sure like to know what’s behind it all… What is behind it all is that he is a man that is going through a divorce and should not be dating because he is emotionally still messed up. You can’t fix it and it doesn’t seem like he wants you to.

It just seems bizarre to me. What is bizarre is why you don’t want more for yourself than this guy who by your own account of him is not all that interested in you. You cannot force it.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Irishmom

Can’t quote you due to your formatting… But



I would like to add if lost does ask him where he is in this relationship, prepare for an answer you don’t like or prepare for a lie.

Lost-
It’s only bizarre because you want the relationship to be something it’s not. I’m really sorry to say this.

Trust in God. Sometimes he answers “yes”, sometimes “no”, and sometimes “I’ve got a better plan.”
:hug1: