cannot take much more of this

[LSK]

I’m sorry, but please leave this thread - MY HUSBAND IS CONTROLLING AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE AND IS LEADING ME TO CONTEMPLATE SUICIDE- wanting him to attend counseling isn’t “focusing on his faults.” I appreciate your concern, but I really need practical advice right now, not this overly pious gobbly gook.

I agree. If your therapist is correct and he suffers from a Borderline Personality Disorder you cannot change him. You now must go into protection mode for you and your child. Your child does not deserve to be brought up in this kind of battlefield and if you think what you are going through is tough, just wait until your 5 or 10 year old wants to commit suicide because Daddy has him/her convinced he/she is no good.

Please find a safe place to go. A woman’s shelter. Contact an attorney and start protecting yourself financially, physically and spiritually - make sure you have a good, solid priest as a spiritual advisor but please know you are in my prayers…I hope you get OUT.

 

[Sunbreak]

Practically speaking, it may be wise to separate from him. No one needs to live with someone who is putting them down frequently. It won’t get any better unless you take action and set boundaries. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to put up with it for the sake of the marriage or that all you have to do is pray and everything will be magically transformed. God has given us the intelligence to make good decisions and getting away from someone who is emotionally abusing you is one of them.

 

[UbiCaritas]

1ke said it best. I’ll add a couple of points.

First, do you want your baby growing up and thinking this is normal? Because by staying, that is exactly what you are teaching that baby.

Second, get out, and get out ASAP. If possible, contact a lawyer first to get his/her advice on how to leave without getting charged with kidnapping; laws will vary from state to state. (You may need to tell your husband that “I’ll be on a work call at this time” in order to be able to do this. Do it tomorrow. PLEASE.) Call your local domestic violence hotline/shelter/what-have-you. Walk into an ER and tell them that you’re being abused. Call your parish priest or diocese. All of these people will help you.

Third, if he has committed any of this information to writing–emails, texts, etc–back them up.

Finally, take only what you need. Once the legal stuff has been dealt with, you can get other things from the house. For now, take:

–cash. If he’s a cosigner, account holder, or just has access to your credit cards, he can see where you’ve been to use them.

–Your cell phone and charger, but turn it off, take out the battery (if possible), and buy a burn phone to use until either you’ve physically replaced that phone and started from scratch in downloading any apps or you’ve had someone VERY tech-savvy check it out for tracking apps. If, like many of us, you no longer have phone numbers memorized, physically write down any numbers you might need. Depending on his level of technological competence, he could have installed an app on there without your knowledge that tracks your movements. A friend had this happen to her–couldn’t figure out how the guy kept finding her in very random places until she had the phone checked out.

–A few changes of clothes for you and baby, as well as a well-stocked diaper bag (food, etc), a car seat, and a few small toys or lovies (depending on the baby’s age)

He may even have installed a GPS tracker on your car. These can range from easy to find (in the wheel well, etc) to near-impossible (behind the dash). Please be aware of this.

Finally, please, please, PLEASE get yourself and your baby to safety. You both deserve it.

 

[Cerne]

STOP>>>>Get real help, not psychiatric advice from social media members, even though they mean well!

Neofight, don’t come out with a stupid comment like that again you stupid ignorant little man.

I did not give psychiatric advice and where does it say anywhere I am a member of any social media.

The websites I listed have provided massive help to people dealing with those who have personality disorders, as their forums testify to.

Do not let me hear a peep from the likes of you again.

 

[DarkLight]

OP, it sound like you need to hear two things:

(1) This is not normal behavior. This is crazy, emotionally abusive behavior, and you have every right to protect yourself from it.

(2) You will NOT go to hell for separating from him! No matter what people may say, protecting yourself and your child is not wrong.

 

[heidi_storage]

Neofight, don’t come out with a stupid comment like that again you stupid ignorant little man.

I did not give psychiatric advice and where does it say anywhere I am a member of any social media.

The websites I listed have provided massive help to people dealing with those who have personality disorders, as their forums testify to.

Do not let me hear a peep from the likes of you again.

Reported. “Messages posted to this board must be polite and free of personal attacks, threats, and crude or sexually-explicit language. See the Concierge Desk sub-forum for more information.”

 

[powerofk]

OP, it sound like you need to hear two things:

(1) This is not normal behavior. This is crazy, emotionally abusive behavior, and you have every right to protect yourself from it.

(2) You will NOT go to hell for separating from him! No matter what people may say, protecting yourself and your child is not wrong.

Right - there’s even a canonized saint (I forget her name) who was forced to separate from her abusive husband. Honestly, if I were you, I’d file for separation, file a restraining order, get rid of all possibilities of tracking, and possibly move across the country. At the same time, I would not file for divorce, as doing so would allow him to do the same thing to another woman. BPD is a very dangerous mental illness - and that’s exactly what it is - a mental illness, distinguished by extreme jealousy. Just so, you should separate for your own safety, and the safety of your child.

 

[DarkLight]

Just a warning - I would recommend talking to an attorney before doing anything, if at all possible without being tracked. Custody issues and all…

 

[Tomdstone]

Don’t concentrate on his faults. He could be battling these himself silently. Guys are like that sometimes, they don’t want to admit especially with others that they have problems themselves. Ask him to be patient with you and that you are doing something about your own problems.

Concentrate in praising him in little things that you see he is doing right for you. The bad things will eventually be gone. Patience. God is allowing you to undergo this suffering for your good.

In the end, humility and patience will conquer the world as Christ did on the Cross.

Pray! Sacraments!

Seems like good advice. Of course it is difficult to give concrete suggestions not being close to the actual situation and not hearing from the other side.

 

[Neofight]

Neofight, don’t come out with a stupid comment like that again you stupid ignorant little man.

I did not give psychiatric advice and where does it say anywhere I am a member of any social media.

The websites I listed have provided massive help to people dealing with those who have personality disorders, as their forums testify to.

Do not let me hear a peep from the likes of you again.

I forgive you and am praying for you

 

[styrgwillidar]

Endofrope,

One other important thing to consider for both you and him.

Your child’s understanding of man/woman relationships will come from observing yours. That will be what they consider to be the norm, it will be most likely the way they will expect to be treated by their spouse. Or behave in response to their spouses actions. You are each the archetype for your gender to your child.

Is this the way he would want his daughter treated by her husband? What he thinks she should expect and accept?

Is this the way you would want your daughter to be treated, or how she would respond to this kind of treatment?

Is this how he will expect his son to treat his wife?

Is this the behavior and relationship you both want to model to your kids? The standard you want to set for them?

Praying for you, I think he needs help but don’t have solid advice for how to get him to see he needs it. My wife (LXSNW- legally ex sacramentally never was) came to see herself in a book about depression (Depression Fallout, Anne Sheffield). I read it, then asked her to read the parts that matched how I felt, how I perceived her behavior. She found things that accurately described how she felt, her perceptions. She ended up getting into therapy and treatment. As another poster said, we’re too far from the situation to truly understand it, your therapist may have some ideas on how to get him to think about his own actions and issues.

 

[PrayerShark]

Get yourself and your child away from him now. Get an attorney and take his/her advice regarding when and how.

Just get off the crazy-go-round and do it NOW.

I can’t agree with this enough. For the love of God, do the above.

 

[bmaj]

I’m so, so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Please know that his is definitely not normal behavior, and you should not have to be subjected to his verbal abuse, not to mention all the other craziness. It might help a lot to speak with a Priest and ask his advice if you haven’t already. I also feel as many others do that you need to protect yourself and your family first and foremost. Emotional and verbal abuse like his can lead to other types of abuse all too quickly. Please take care, and know that you are in my prayers.

 

[CarolNoel]

I too am concerned about your safety and the safety of your little one.

 

[skigirl1689]

Ditto.

Think about it from this perspective - how do you think he’s going to be when your baby gets older? This is not a man who sounds particularly stable for being around a child.

At the end of the day, what your husband may or may not have isn’t all that relevant, unless he personally is willing to get help. You cannot force him to get help, only protect you and your child.

Oh, and, given all the monitoring, I would be very careful to watch out for trackers and keystroke loggers and that sort of thing.

This!

As an adult I am dealing with unhappy parents with emotional issues, and it is affecting me. Please don’t think because the baby is so young that it is not having an effect on the child. It is.

This is not a healthy relationship for either of you. He is emotionally abusive. Please do all you can to leave. Domestic violence shelters are a great resource, as is Catholic Social Services (if in your area).

I’ll be praying for you!

 

[DarkLight]

Praying for you, I think he needs help but don’t have solid advice for how to get him to see he needs it. My wife (LXSNW- legally ex sacramentally never was) came to see herself in a book about depression (Depression Fallout, Anne Sheffield). I read it, then asked her to read the parts that matched how I felt, how I perceived her behavior. She found things that accurately described how she felt, her perceptions. She ended up getting into therapy and treatment. As another poster said, we’re too far from the situation to truly understand it, your therapist may have some ideas on how to get him to think about his own actions and issues.

Unfortunately, one thing people sometimes have to realize is that they cannot make an adult change. Unless he makes real change the wife will likely have to leave to protect herself and her child from his ways. He is being abusive.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Unfortunately, one thing people sometimes have to realize is that they cannot make an adult change. Unless he makes real change the wife will likely have to leave to protect herself and her child from his ways. He is being abusive.

One can’t continue in a situation pushing you towards suicide/harming yourself. It’s like search and rescue in the Navy, you can’t help anyone if you crash into the water yourself. Only she can determine the amount of risk/hazard to her child, but she has no obligation to allow herself to be destroyed in any way, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. You can’t help others if you’re a wreck yourself.