Can't take communion

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Susiq1217

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I am Catholic, married to a divorced Catholic and my husband for whatever reason, won’t seek an annulment from his first wife. That in itself is troubling for me. I have been taking communion anyway reasoning in my mind that it’s between me and God, not me and the Catholic Church. However, I read somewhere yesterday that this is considered desecrating the Eucharist and I was horrified that I would be committing such a sin. I am absolutely heartbroken. Receiving Communion is the most important thing in my life. There is no way I can talk my husband into an annulment, not even with the threat of abstaining from sex. Why am I being punished this way by the Church?
 
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Without a doubt, the situation that you find yourself in is definitely one of the most difficult ones that a Catholic can experience.
Susiq1217 said:
I have been taking communion anyway reasoning in my mind that it’s between me and God, not me and the Catholic Church.
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Is it the Church who says that you’re in a state of sin, though, or is it Jesus (see Matthew chapter 19)?
However, I read somewhere yesterday that this is considered desecrating the Eucharist and I was horrified that I would be committing such a sin.
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I think that I would say that it’s less ‘desecration’ and more like the situation that St Paul talks about: “whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord unworthily will have to answer for the body and blood of the Lord. … For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment on himself.” (1 Cor 11:27,29)
Receiving Communion is the most important thing in my life.
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I don’t mean this in an uncharitable way, and with all due respect… when you chose to marry a divorced Catholic man, you put marriage to him above receiving Communion without sin. Now, though, the important question is how to return to Communion with Christ!
There is no way I can talk my husband into an annulment, not even with the threat of abstaining from sex.
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Just keep praying. You don’t know what the future holds. I’ll pray for your peace of mind, and for your husband’s heart to be softened.
Why am I being punished this way by the Church?
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You’re not being “punished”. You’re dealing with the consequences of the action which you freely chose. At this point, it’s important to look for the way out, not to languish and seek to assign blame…
 
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Go and talk to your priest or deacon and let either of them explain to you how the Catholic church see the beauty of marriage and how to live as a married couple. Your husband would need to be informed of this to and it is best if it comes from a priest or deacon and not from you. Threats are usually a dead end as people then to do it instead.

We don’t receive communion if we are not in a state of grace. It doesn’t matter what kind of mortal sin we have done by free will, with knowledge and knowing that there are consequences for the action. We are not in union with God so we can’t receive Holy Comm_union_ until we have gone to Confession. We, human beings, are the ones who are removing us from God and the Church and not the other way around.
 
You’re in a difficult situation with a lot needing to be unpacked.

I’m guessing you’re not married in the Catholic Church since your husband is still married, presumably sacramentally from the previous marriage.

It’s imperative you address the roots of your marriage. For two Catholics, it must first and always be a Sacramental love. If possible, return to that. If your husband truly was married sacramentally, then you, as a Catholic woman must recognize the validity of his first marriage…also tough.

In terms of the Eucharist, it’s good to recognize that you shouldn’t commit sin by unworthily receiving the Eucharist. Lent is the perfect opportunity to repent and believe again. Pray deeply and don’t give up hope on your husband. Pursue the annulment with your husband, and respect the final decision, whichever it may be.

Lastly, you’re not being punished by the Church. The Church must proclaim the Truth of the Gospel. Marriage is indissoluble. If a marriage did exist for your husband previous to you, the Church is simply trying to keep you safe from sin. Life is tough. We’re all called to pick up our crosses daily. Living a chaste life is a beautiful thing.
 
Thank you all for your answers. I know in my heart that what you say is right, but I’m still so sad. I will continue to pray and I thank you for your prayers.
 
Susiq1217 said:
Why am I being punished this way by the Church?
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When our conscience awakens it is a good thing. It means we are growing in holiness. It means that we are responding to the prompting of the Holy Spirit in our lives. It can also mean uncomfortable realizations, difficult conversations, and the need to hold ourselves accountable for the choices we’ve made in our lives.

You are not being punished by the Church.

You made the decision to enter a relationship with a man who was not free to marry. A man already married to someone else. Entering a sexual relationship with a married person is adultery. That’s a sin against the sixth commandment. When we sin gravely, we cannot present ourselves for the sacrament of the Eucharist without contrition, confession, and absolution-- which also require a firm purpose of amendment.

So now, yes, you have the hard work ahead of you of living in a way you know to be righteous, which conflicts with the current way you are living. It is time to have difficult conversations with your husband, perhaps the two of you with a priest. He may or may not have grounds for a decree of nullity, but he won’t know unless he talks to a priest. He may be operating out of a place of fear or ignorance or misconception about the nullity process.

Ultimately, you and he are going to have to come to an agreement about how you will go forward in order to live an authentically holy life. Yes, that may include abstaining until such time as your marriage can be regularlized in the Church-- such as the death of his spouse or a decree of nullity.
 
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Susiq1217 said:
Thank you all for your answers. I know in my heart that what you say is right, but I’m still so sad. I will continue to pray and I thank you for your prayers.
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We know it must be very difficult for you. Please do talk to your priest.
 
Susiq1217 said:
Why am I being punished this way by the Church?
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I am curious what it is that you think is a “punishment”. You have said that you have mentally separated Jesus from His One Body, the Church, as if the Church could function beheaded. You have said that you have married a divorced Catholic, before finding out if your potential spouse was even free to marry. The Church is trying to protect you from YOURSELF! Receiving communion when one is not in a state of grace is more dangerous to the soul and can be deadly to a person.

It seems that you really do value the importance of the Eucharist, and it is good that your heart is with Jesus in this matter. Can you also trust that He will bring you through any suffering you may endure? Now is a good time to make spiritual communions while you work through the problem.

You are right to be concerned that your husband will not seek an annulment, and that he is unmoved even when you do not participate in a marital embrace (which it does not appear he is free to do with you). This is a flag that there is something deeply spiritually wrong with the relationship.

May God bless your efforts to make this right. Your priest will hear your confession and give you guidance.
 
Susiq1217 said:
I know in my heart that what you say is right, but I’m still so sad.
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When holiness encounters sin there is always sadness and suffering. Whenever we desire to walk in purity, there are sacrifices to be made. Remember that Jesus said, if you want to be His disciple, you must pick up your cross and carry it. Each of us has a cross that is specially made for us, designed to bring us to holiness in Him. Remember that, once a person picked up their cross, they were a 'dead man walking". There was no coming back from the place of crucifixion. We must be willing to die completely to ourselves.
 
Why did you marry a divorced man who didn’t have an annulment? Was the marriage in the Catholic Church (he could have lied, etc.)? How much did you know about the rules of Catholic marriage at the time? How hard did you try to find out? All these seem to be key questions. You should be discussing this with a knowledgeable priest, not on a web site!

Why doesn’t he want an annulment? That’s another key question–does he understand what it really is? Does it think it somehow makes bastards out of any children (it doesn’t!)? Does he understand how relatively easy and cheap it is? It seems to me that his opposition to the idea is probably based on misunderstanding of what annulment is.

And finally, you need to ask yourself: if this guy loves me and wants to make me happy, why is he being so stubborn about this? He sounds pretty selfish to me.
 
Susiq1217 said:
I am Catholic, married to a divorced Catholic and my husband for whatever reason, won’t seek an annulment from his first wife. That in itself is troubling for me. I have been taking communion anyway reasoning in my mind that it’s between me and God, not me and the Catholic Church. However, I read somewhere yesterday that this is considered desecrating the Eucharist and I was horrified that I would be committing such a sin. I am absolutely heartbroken. Receiving Communion is the most important thing in my life. There is no way I can talk my husband into an annulment, not even with the threat of abstaining from sex. Why am I being punished this way by the Church?
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I used to be in a similar situation.
  1. you have to understand that the Church is NOT punishing you. The Church is PROTECTING you. The Church has taught (straight from St. Paul’s writings in the Bible) that whomever receives the Body and Blood of Christ in a state of sin actually eats spiritual death upon themselves. And that it’s a grave sin of sacrilege.
  2. Whenever anyone commits a mortal sin, for their protection, they are bared from receiving Holy Communion until they have been to confession and received absolution. However, when someone is in a continued state of mortal sin, and unwilling to do anything to send their sinful state, a priest cannot grant absolution because a priest cannot grant absolution to someone who is not sorry for their sin.
  3. Because your husband is married to another women, technically the two of you are engaged in adultery, and are living in a state of mortal sin. If you were to go to confession, the only way you would be able to receive absolution is if you were contrite about doing everything possible to live without sex (this is something my Great Grandmother eventually did, because my Great Grandfather was divorced and remarried without annulment)
Now what can you do?
  1. make an appointment with your priest right away to discuss your situation. There are things the priest can do or work with you on so that you can return to the sacarament
  2. Perhaps you can also schedule a meeting between you, Father, and your husband to discuss your marriage. The fact that your Catholic husband is unwilling to apply for an annulment is troubling. Perhaps (which is often the case), he misunderstands what an annulment means and what it in tales. There are a lot of myths and horror stories regarding annulment procedures from years ago. The Church (at least in the United States) is using modern technology to make the annulment process as streamlined as possible.
Finally, again, you are not being punished. The Church is actually concerned for your soul and is trying to protect you.

I pray this is helpful.

God bless
 
Just to point out an annulment is not guarenteeed even if your husband does seek one. He may see no grounds to have his first marriage declared null. Are you willing to follow through with abstaining? Not to pressure your husband but to allow you to receive the sacraments.
 
Your husband is, objectively speaking, married to another woman. That means that his marriage with you is not valid. Even if it is actually the case that his first marriage was invalid, his marriage to you is still invalid since it was contracted outside the Church. Since you are not validly married, it is mortally sinful to have sex. To continue to receive the Eucharist while living in mortal sin would be sacrilege.

You need to immediately stop having sex since you are not validly married. Then you can go to confession, and resume receiving the Eucharist.

If you are not willing to stop having sex (even though this objectively constitutes adultery, or at least fornication), then yes, you need to stop receiving the Eucharist, as that is an additional sin of sacrilege.
 
Actually, yes, you are an unmarried woman living with a married man(not your husband).

Obviously try to work this out, but at the end of the day he needs to seek an annulment or perhaps you should for your ‘current’ marriage.
 
If I were in your shoes I would give my spouse an ultimatum:

Go get an annulment so we can normalize our marital situation, or forget about sleeping together or even sharing a bed until he goes and gets an annulment.

I would choose Jesus over the obstinate person if he still refused, because IMO that would mean he doesn’t truly love you (meaning he doesn’t truly will your ultimate good - eternal salvation).

But that’s just a suggestion of what I would personally do.

If you don’t sleep with him, you can live together as brother and sister, and you can go to Confession and then receive Communion normally until his annulment is processed.
 
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I was pretty sure you knew it, and it may be true that they mainly go through, but I don’t want to give the OP or other posters the impression that it would be a certainty. As I said on another post, her husband may have previously spoken to his Priest about it and been told that there were not likely to be any grounds (not stated quite like that).

If he has not done that I do agree that he should.
 
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Susi the situation appears to be that you are not actually married in the eyes of the Church.
Technically then you are in conflict with the 5th Commandment, engaging in relations with a man married to another woman.

I am not sure you understand what an annulment is and the grounds for obtaining one.
An annulment is a declaration by the Church that your husband was never truly married on account of him having a specific grave and provable impediment. It is not a divorce, which is easy to get from the State.

You sound very confident an annulment is possible. On what grounds may I ask?

Even if you could in good conscience reasonably judge an annulment was likely if your husband was only willing there are further issues.

While engaging in a sexual relationship you still may not receive Communion, regardless of your good intentions, as that is a “public unworthiness”. This is a counter witness to the teachings of Jesus on the indissolubility of a valid marriage. Now you may be right that your husbands marriage was never valid - but until you can demonstrate that in the public arena with an annulment the public counter-witness remains a problem if you go to Communion. I would not go so far as some here to call that a “desecration” because that is clearly not what you are doing privately. However it gives the appearance of such until an annulment is obtained.

There are some escape clauses…
If you abstain from relations by mutual agreement you may then go to Communion privately (ie anonymously). JPII allowed this back in 1983 or so. The reason you must do so anonymously is because you rightly wish your relationship/cohabitation to continue. That is still a public countersign to Christ’s intention for marriage even if there are no sexual relations. It is to avoid scandal - even though the Church, for compassionate reasons (usually for the sake of the children in the 2nd marriage), tolerates couples to continue to cohabit and not civilly divorce.

The problem, re you receiving Communion, is if your husband is unable to agree to abstain. You may not force him to do so as I am sure you realise it is in the nature of marriage (even if not one yet recognised by the Church) to give one’s partner rights to one’s body. It would also likely jeopardise your relationship and the compassionate goods the Church is trying to protect in this messy situation (your welfare and that of the kids).

CONTINUED…
 
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