Caring for aging or ill parents

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angell1

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how would one practically care for an aging or ill parent if one lives in a different part of the country? or has immigrated to a different country? and you have a spouse and kids to take care of as well?

just wondering
 
Hi Angel,

This would fall under prudential judgment. I know you like things black and white, but it isn’t.

This falls under “do what you can”.

I can give you some examples.

My husband and I live near his parents and we are very involved in their care. My FIL died last December, and my husband was taking care of him during his illness as were his siblings. We live closest, so we do the most by taking his mother grocery shopping, to the doctor, hair appointments, etc. My husband goes down to her house about a mile away on a daily basis, actually multiple times a day.

His siblings are a couple of hours away and have children and jobs. They come when they can and do what they can. His brother brings his boys to do yardwork during the summer. His sister comes and does things like clean the house top to bottom or do personal care (she’s in the medical field). If she needs full time care, my SIL has already made a plan for her to come live with them and my MIL is OK with that.

In the case of my grandmother, she lived in CA and my dad and his siblings lived across the country on the east coast. More than once my aunt tried to get my grandmother to live with her, but my grandmother refused. So, they did the best they could by going to visit her out there as much as they could with jobs and kids. My grandmother happened to be in a financial position to afford in home care, or else she would have had to go to a nursing home. Perhaps she would have been agreeable to moving in with my aunt if she hadn’t had the money to do what she wanted to do.

Every family and every situation is different. what you can afford to do financially as well as time-wise and mentally will differ for each person. And, it’s a two way street. parents who refuse adjustments to their lives that allows for easier care by their children are within their rights to do so, but then the children can only do what they are able.

There isn’t an answer for this. We just all do the best we can as each circumstance arises. My parents live far away from where I live right now. My sister lives in Europe and we are in the US. My brother lives near my mom, so he will likely be the primary person dealing with her aging situations. My dad and his wife do not live near me or any of my siblings on that side. So, we will have to figure that out when the time comes.
 
1ke said:
Hi Angel,

This would fall under prudential judgment. I know you like things black and white, but it isn’t.

This falls under “do what you can”.

I can give you some examples.

My husband and I live near his parents and we are very involved in their care. My FIL died last December, and my husband was taking care of him during his illness as were his siblings. We live closest, so we do the most by taking his mother grocery shopping, to the doctor, hair appointments, etc. My husband goes down to her house about a mile away on a daily basis, actually multiple times a day.

His siblings are a couple of hours away and have children and jobs. They come when they can and do what they can. His brother brings his boys to do yardwork during the summer. His sister comes and does things like clean the house top to bottom or do personal care (she’s in the medical field). If she needs full time care, my SIL has already made a plan for her to come live with them and my MIL is OK with that.

In the case of my grandmother, she lived in CA and my dad and his siblings lived across the country on the east coast. More than once my aunt tried to get my grandmother to live with her, but my grandmother refused. So, they did the best they could by going to visit her out there as much as they could with jobs and kids. My grandmother happened to be in a financial position to afford in home care, or else she would have had to go to a nursing home. Perhaps she would have been agreeable to moving in with my aunt if she hadn’t had the money to do what she wanted to do.

Every family and every situation is different. what you can afford to do financially as well as time-wise and mentally will differ for each person. And, it’s a two way street. parents who refuse adjustments to their lives that allows for easier care by their children are within their rights to do so, but then the children can only do what they are able.

There isn’t an answer for this. We just all do the best we can as each circumstance arises. My parents live far away from where I live right now. My sister lives in Europe and we are in the US. My brother lives near my mom, so he will likely be the primary person dealing with her aging situations. My dad and his wife do not live near me or any of my siblings on that side. So, we will have to figure that out when the time comes.
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This.

There are so many factors going into each situation that each situation will look very different.

In our case, we had an elderly family member with some kids in the immediate area, a couple of kids an hour or more away, and one kid a two-hour flight away. They divided up care accordingly. The local kids did much more of the day-to-day stuff, but the ones a bit further out came in to help if the locals needed it or needed a break, and the one furthest away helped with the logistics and financial matters because those are things that that kid has talent in. Regular conference calls helped.

Another elderly relative needed skilled nursing due to advanced dementia, so he was placed in a good nursing home and relatives checked in frequently with unannounced visits, something I, having worked in a nursing home briefly, can tell you will make or break a good standard of care for the elderly. Once more, the local kids checked in more often, with those further out helping more from an overseeing expenses/calling health care professionals for information and making care plans perspective.
 
angell1 said:
how would one practically care for an aging or ill parent if one lives in a different part of the country? or has immigrated to a different country? and you have a spouse and kids to take care of as well?

just wondering
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The first step is to recognize your duty and obligation with your parents. The rest you can figure out. Given that you are smart enough to survive and maintain a family of your own, you can figure out what your parents need and what you need to do to assure they are well.

Let’s say I immigrated to the United States from South America or the Carribean. I got a good job, got married and have children. My parents are in the old country and elderly. It doesn’t matter if they according to me were good parents or bad parents - they are my parents and I have a duty and obligation to them and God commands me to respect them.

Firstly, recognizing my obligation to assure they are well, I would take trip over there and familiarize myself with what their living condition is and how it can be improved etc… maybe hiring someone to go and clean and cook and help them bathe etc… hire a good, trust worth person that needs to report to me once a month. I would send the payment once a month to a parent for the hired help and for food, etc… It’s a commitment and obligation. That’s it.

As far as the emotional stuff, well, they are gong to feel really good and and comforted knowing that their child who live in the United States of America is sending money every month (just like millions of other children do) to make sure their parents are well. It’s is usually peanuts because of the currency exchange. Then, on top of that you get to talk a little once per month and perhaps on Christmas if money permits you can visit them with your family and they can meet their grand kids.

Some people abandon their parents because supposedly they were bad parents - but, I say to them - well, you are not being a good child. And, non of that euthanasia stuff - but, that is more common in the USA where people rationalize that it was for their own good.

Ephesians 6
Family Relationships ] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.

It is a commandment with a promise, if you do it, you will have a better life. You family will be healthier, your children will respect you more and when your time comes will tend and may do the same for you.

Who do you think keeps Western Union in business?
 
1ke said:
Hi Angel,

This would fall under prudential judgment. I know you like things black and white, but it isn’t.

This falls under “do what you can”.

I can give you some examples.

My husband and I live near his parents and we are very involved in their care. My FIL died last December, and my husband was taking care of him during his illness as were his siblings. We live closest, so we do the most by taking his mother grocery shopping, to the doctor, hair appointments, etc. My husband goes down to her house about a mile away on a daily basis, actually multiple times a day.

His siblings are a couple of hours away and have children and jobs. They come when they can and do what they can. His brother brings his boys to do yardwork during the summer. His sister comes and does things like clean the house top to bottom or do personal care (she’s in the medical field). If she needs full time care, my SIL has already made a plan for her to come live with them and my MIL is OK with that.

In the case of my grandmother, she lived in CA and my dad and his siblings lived across the country on the east coast. More than once my aunt tried to get my grandmother to live with her, but my grandmother refused. So, they did the best they could by going to visit her out there as much as they could with jobs and kids. My grandmother happened to be in a financial position to afford in home care, or else she would have had to go to a nursing home. Perhaps she would have been agreeable to moving in with my aunt if she hadn’t had the money to do what she wanted to do.

Every family and every situation is different. what you can afford to do financially as well as time-wise and mentally will differ for each person. And, it’s a two way street. parents who refuse adjustments to their lives that allows for easier care by their children are within their rights to do so, but then the children can only do what they are able.

There isn’t an answer for this. We just all do the best we can as each circumstance arises. My parents live far away from where I live right now. My sister lives in Europe and we are in the US. My brother lives near my mom, so he will likely be the primary person dealing with her aging situations. My dad and his wife do not live near me or any of my siblings on that side. So, we will have to figure that out when the time comes.
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thank you, concrete examples help the most.

of course it’s not black in white, you’re right though, many times I wish it was. guess we don’t get it that easy
 
Abba said:
The first step is to recognize your duty and obligation with your parents. The rest you can figure out. Given that you are smart enough to survive and maintain a family of your own, you can figure out what your parents need and what you need to do to assure they are well.

Let’s say I immigrated to the United States from South America or the Carribean. I got a good job, got married and have children. My parents are in the old country and elderly. It doesn’t matter if they according to me were good parents or bad parents - they are my parents and I have a duty and obligation to them and God commands me to respect them.

Firstly, recognizing my obligation to assure they are well, I would take trip over there and familiarize myself with what their living condition is and how it can be improved etc… maybe hiring someone to go and clean and cook and help them bathe etc… hire a good, trust worth person that needs to report to me once a month. I would send the payment once a month to a parent for the hired help and for food, etc… It’s a commitment and obligation. That’s it.

As far as the emotional stuff, well, they are gong to feel really good and and comforted knowing that their child who live in the United States of America is sending money every month (just like millions of other children do) to make sure their parents are well. It’s is usually peanuts because of the currency exchange. Then, on top of that you get to talk a little once per month and perhaps on Christmas if money permits you can visit them with your family and they can meet their grand kids.

Some people abandon their parents because supposedly they were bad parents - but, I say to them - well, you are not being a good child. And, non of that euthanasia stuff - but, that is more common in the USA where people rationalize that it was for their own good.

Ephesians 6
Family Relationships ] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.

It is a commandment with a promise, if you do it, you will have a better life. You family will be healthier, your children will respect you more and when your time comes will tend and may do the same for you.

Who do you think keeps Western Union in business?
Click to expand...
I just hear the argument sometimes that children should all drop everything and move as close to their parents as possible and they should not be in nursing homes, since parents did that for children
 
angell1 said:
I just hear the argument sometimes that children should all drop everything and move as close to their parents as possible and they should not be in nursing homes, since parents did that for children
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Did your parents do that for their parents?
 
angell1 said:
I just hear the argument sometimes that children should all drop everything and move as close to their parents as possible and they should not be in nursing homes, since parents did that for children
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These are OPINIONS. And not very educated ones.

Many times nursing home care is the best option. If a parent needs skilled nursing, has Alzheimer’s or another medical condition many times full time care by a professional is the best option.

The parent can also sell assets and move with the children if the employment situation is best where the child currently lives.

The family needs to do what is best FOR THAT FAMILY. One need not be influenced by what other families do.

And, one need not be guilt tripped by others in or outside the family because their OPINION is different from what YOU think best.
 
angell1 said:
I just hear the argument sometimes that children should all drop everything and move as close to their parents as possible and they should not be in nursing homes, since parents did that for children
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I don’t think that’s a good standard to use. My father was in the military so my parents dragged their children all over the world. Using that argument, we should pack up our parents and drag them out to Texas even though they currently live thousands of miles away. Neither my mother nor my MIL would come willingly, that’s for sure. 😃

Every situation is complex. What good would it do, for example, to pick up and move close to an older parent if you had to leave your job as well as your own spouse and children to do so? You may not even be able to contribute financially in that case.
 
angell1 said:
I just hear the argument sometimes that children should all drop everything and move as close to their parents as possible and they should not be in nursing homes, since parents did that for children
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There are times when some people will attempt to use arguments like this to manipulate people.

Look at it this way: the parents cared for the children, and the children were required to live where the parents chose and to obey the parents, right? So using the logic of the argument presented, if the parents need care, they should move and be guided by the children, no?

But overall, Angell, I think that you should not worry about things which are not currently problems. Neither of your parents seems to be elderly or seriously ill. Their job is to raise you to become an independent adult, and they seem to have succeeded in that 🙂 Now their problem is that they do not realize their job is at an end, and it is time for you to go out and *be *an independent adult.
 
angell1 said:
how would one practically care for an aging or ill parent if one lives in a different part of the country? or has immigrated to a different country? and you have a spouse and kids to take care of as well?

just wondering
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Every family is different based on their abilities. I moved my mom in with me to care for her. Someone sits with her while I go to work.
 
angell1 said:
I just hear the argument sometimes that children should all drop everything and move as close to their parents as possible and they should not be in nursing homes, since parents did that for children
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You are theorizing a lot. It can be frustrating because the topic is a serious one as we are talking about vulnerable human beings. Before you continue theorizing online, you need to make sure your parents are safe, have food and shelter, are not being abused, are not suffering from horrible loniness etc…

It’s difficult to discuss, because I have no idea if your parents are outside of the country, one state over, in a nursing home - or if they are even alive. Too vague.

Sacred Scripture is pretty clear on this topic.
 
At 92 my MIL had to be moved to a lovely assisted living facility about a mile from her long time home. She had mild dementia, needed a walker, and could no longer bathe herself. It was not safe for her to live alone. None of her children even lived in the same state, but we figured that she would be totally miserable being moved out of the town where she had lived for more that 70 years, away from the familiar accents and local tv and newspaper, just to be near one of her children. She did well in assisted living for the first year and a half, but began to become more frail after that. She had to be escorted anytime she needed to walk anywhere…dining room bath room, from bed to sofa. A few weeks ago after a broken hip and surgery for that, at 95, she had to be moved to a skilled nursing facility where she is assisted in dressing, is lifted with a harness safely into the shower, and has been taught to use a wheel chair. Any of the children would be happy to have her nearer so we could check on her more often,and we looked into that, but there are insurance and other legal impediments when leaving for another state. In addition, we don’t want to add to her distress. We are at peace with having her live out her days where nurses check on her regularly throughout the day and night, where former neighbors can drop by, and where one of the children can visit every six to eight weeks. We are very fortunate that she and my late FIL were frugal and invested wisely so that she can afford such good care.
 
angell1 said:
I just hear the argument sometimes that children should all drop everything and move as close to their parents as possible and they should not be in nursing homes, since parents did that for children
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Did you hear this from your mom?
 
angell1 said:
how would one practically care for an aging or ill parent if one lives in a different part of the country? or has immigrated to a different country? and you have a spouse and kids to take care of as well?

just wondering
Click to expand...
Sometimes it is a matter of making sure that they do have help and are not falling through the cracks because they have no one to look out for them. It does not mean the adult child has to offer the care the parents need personally. Most adult children cannot do that, because they cannot afford to quit their jobs, they have other obligations that preclude it, the parents need more care than the adult children can manage on their own, or the adult children are not compatible enough with their parents to give them the highest quality of care without suffering a breakdown themselves.
 
EasterJoy said:
Sometimes it is a matter of making sure that they do have help and are not falling through the cracks because they have no one to look out for them. It does not mean the adult child has to offer the care the parents need personally. Most adult children cannot do that, because they cannot afford to quit their jobs, they have other obligations that preclude it, the parents need more care than the adult children can manage on their own, or the adult children are not compatible enough with their parents to give them the highest quality of care without suffering a breakdown themselves.
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Right.

Here are two further examples.

DH and I have talked a little about future plans for our respective parents. In all likelihood, we still have a long time to go (especially on his side) before we need worry about this stuff, but it never hurts to be on the same page.

His parents are very pleasant, functional people. If they needed to no longer live alone but were mentally and somewhat physically capable, we’d probably buy a house with a grandparent apartment. That way, they’d have their space and we ours, but we could be back there in seconds if they needed us, and we could check on them a few times a day. If they required physical care beyond what we could manage, we’d either arrange for a live-in caregiver or residential care with near-daily visits.

On the other hand, my parents are extremely dysfunctional, and there’s mental illness and substance abuse there, too. They can’t be allowed near children or teens. We still have a responsibility to them, but we also have a responsibility to kids and to ourselves. Therefore, for them it would be a matter of good residential care and frequent check-ins, but absolutely not living with or close to us, and not giving them cash or saleable items that could support substance abuse habits.
 
angell1 said:
not just her, it’s an Asian thing. you would be considered a really bad kid if you put them in a nursing home. because, apparently, people never used to do that in the past
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People also had much larger families in the past. IIRC, you’re an only child. There’s a vast world of difference between being the only person responsible for an elderly adult’s physical care and being one of five or six who all help.

People also didn’t live as long in the past. If the average age of death is, say, 65, rather than today’s 80-something, then you’re talking a much shorter timespan of care. Many people could undertake the physical and mental demands of caring for an infirm elderly person for six months, but not twenty years.

People didn’t live in a society where a two-income family was the norm in the past. Living on one income is possible, but difficult, and taking a decade out of the workforce to take care of Mom may mean that you never can retire now.

People did live in a society where household help wasn’t terribly expensive. They don’t now. For context, my paternal grandparents were factory workers. They had a weekly maid. My maternal grandparents were a teacher and a machinist. They had a weekly maid. Most people don’t now because services are now far more expensive than they used to be. You try mopping a floor while keeping Grandma, senile as a box but capable of walking, off of it so she won’t break a hip…

People also used to simply have grandparents become bedridden as they got older because wheelchairs either didn’t exist or were too expensive. This, however unintentionally, certainly hastened the deaths of quite a lot of people due to infections, blood clots, heart problems, and the like. However, dealing with someone who’s bedridden can be much easier from a practical perspective: you don’t have to worry about them wandering off, or making a mess on the floor. Still not ideal!

You get the idea.
 
angell1 said:
no, but they expect me to.
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Right, but they are manipulating you with this. I’ve read several of your other threads, and your parents are trying to emotionally manipulate you.

If you are able to, you can consider looking after your parents. However, if they are going to manipulate you, your own health is going to suffer, and you can’t look after others without looking after yourself first.

Yes, your parents looked after you. But no, it does not mean you are obligated to keep them out of a nursing home. In some situations, a nursing home is better because there is care from trained people all the time. You were not born so you can look after your parents. In some cases, you need to put yourself first. Do not feel as though you have to do this because you do not. Do not feel as though you are a failure if you do not help them, because you are not. You are your own person, not just an extension of your parents.

Lou
 
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