Catholic Church Lacks Genuine Help For Rape Victims From Catholic Prospective

[Ana]

Perhaps it is an important necessity that God should test my being through many burdened trials and sometimes very heavy crosses to bear. If it be for no other reason but strictly a test like that of Job in the Old testament; so God can find out if I still loved my Creator with all my mind, with all my heart, and with all my soul regardless of what inhumanities I would be subjected to in the (“ Dark Night of the Soul”), which in effect is what Saint John of the Cross and Saint Theresa of Avila make mention of in the mortification of the primitive human senses.

I may be wrong, but I am sensing here a seeking of the age old …" WHY?" I cannot tell you how many times me soul has screamed out that question. I found great comfort in one of Bishop Sheens talks on sufferings and Job. He spoke of when Job was going back and forth with his advisors trying to find the answer to “WHY?” Culminating in Job’s tirade of “WHY?” to God. Remember? "Why, did you let me be born? Why did you even let me even suckle at my mother’s breast?

Then God responded by asking Job questions … “Were you there when I placed the stars in the sky, have you ever in your lifetime commanded the morning and shown the dawn it’s place?” He proceeds to question Job like this for FOUR CHAPTERS!! At the end of which as Bishop Sheen points out, Job found that where the answers of men did not satisfy, God’s QUESTIONS did. They reminded Job who He was and His mighty power, above all human understanding, and it brought him comfort. Job then said, “I know now, that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be hindered…”

We may never get the answer to WHY? on this side of Heaven. But we can rest assured that God knows why and He is trustworthy, and that is all we need to know. It is His domain. It is our job to trust, even when we don’t know why.

I had not though of being subject to imhumanities as being encompassed in John’s writing concerning the Night of the Senses. Would you mind expanding on that?

I was gang-raped at the age of twenty-three. Being a heterosexual male I had so many aspirations. I had so much wished I could have found a special Catholic woman with a big heart to love with all my heart, beautiful children, a decent job. It was not meant to be.

Before I respond to this, I wanted to reiterate what Lainey mentioned about your circumstances being especially difficult, being a male and being gang raped.When I think of the reality of my own horrific circumstances, they pale in comparison to the obstacles you have faced. But thankfully, our God’s attributes are not measured by our individual circumstances, but against Himself … immeasurable and infinite. Therefore, no matter how dire or extreme the circumstances, God is sufficient. This is such an incredible comfort.

I can sooooo sooooo relate to the sense of loss and the mourning over what could have been. He graced me with so many natural gifts. I was gifted and skipped a grade in school, I excelled in dance, and was even offered a scholarship at a prestigious dance academy. I was beautiful. I know that God’ will was not for me to become a promiscuous and drug addicted teen. To become pregnant and have an abortion at 15. To become a stripper. I would be lying if I didn’t sometimes wish for a big DO OVER. But I am learning as Job did, that God’s plans will not be hindered. Bishop Sheen mentions, not walking out in the middle of the movie, to give the Author credit for the script. We might just still have a BANGING ending, right?

When I was thirty-three when I started reading every catholic spiritual book I could get my hands on. I always had a fond love for the writings of the late Archbishop Fulton Sheen. He wrote much about human suffering. (“He made a beautiful simplistic analogy once about signing your name on a blank cheque. The cheque itself symbolized your own personal human sufferings big and small. The fact of having your signature on this cheque made it valueless. Sheen went on to say that if individual humans were to allow Jesus to Co-sign His signature on this cheque it would become infinite in value”).

That is a beautiful analogy. It is so helpful to remember that our sufferings can have infinite value if united with Christ. Without him, they not only become valueless, but potentially an avenue for continued suffering for ourselves and others.

Looking in hindsight it was probably a bigger blessing than I could fully comprehend. The fact that Jesus would choose to confront insignificant me with His Cross time and time again. Acceptance of His Cross and all that it mystically symbolizes for me and the immense difficulty of joining my painful gang-rape to His Cross (“is”) and has been a bigger challenge than I ever dared imagine.

Yes, this is a killer mountain you have to climb.Big time. But NOTHING is impossible WITH Christ. Each moment of the Passion, He chose to experience for your strength and healing. His betrayel by Judas, and your’s by your own gender. His agony in the garden, and your acceptance of God’s will. When he is brought before the illegal courts, and your fight against condemnation of others (perceived or otherwise) and your self-condemnation.The scourging, your gang rape. The carrying of the cross and your attempts at living life after the rape. He fell three times and needed help to carry it. Your cross is too heavy to bear, and is causing you to stumble. He has let you know, it is okay to need a Simon. His crucifiction, and sense of abandonment by God, and your seeming soul loss, and same sense of abandonment by God. Jesus went before you to make a way for you. Because you wouldn’t be able to make it otherwise … But because of Him, now you can. Easy, no!! Worth it? Yes!!

 

[Ana]

I have felt besieged by many plagues all my life/ or is it that I have been paradoxically blessed with so many health illnesses. Diabetes, Angina, Arthritis, Asthma, Seizures, Chronic Back Pain and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Recently six weeks ago having had extensive blood test at the local hospital I went to see an Oncologist and am scheduled for further testing for the possible prognosis of pancreatic cancer. Sigh ! Maybe our Good Shepherd wants to take me home early.

Holistically speaking, perhaps with some soul healing, some of the symptoms of some of these ailments can be reduced (esp. the PTSD). Those that we cannot do anything about, we must pray for the grace to humbly accept. Coincidently, I remember someone (Sheen?) saying, if you want to find wise counsel, seek out a clergy man, a pious man, or someone who has suffered a lot. I will pray for you concerning your ailments, especially the pancreatic cancer.

In my human weakness I would be lying if I didn’t mention that I was entertaining fears. Being a heterosexual man I feel like an oddball sharing much vulnerability, considering that most men would feel less of a man doing so.

I want to be very gentle here. Please, forgive me, if I overstep, Chris, I think it would be odd, if you DIDN’T carry some fears of being perceived of having homosexual tendancies after your brutal experience. This is VERY common in male survivors. The fear that now everyone is going to think I’m a homosexual. It seems like it is necessary for you, to put the word heterosexual, whenever you refer to yourself as a male. Most reasonable people will know that you are not homosexual, well … because you are not homosexual. Except that perhaps you are trying to allay your own fears of being perceived as a homosexual? If this is true, I beg you to examine before God, this fear of “what other’s think of me.” It is stifling and oppresive and will hinder your spiritual growth. God has told us repeatedly not to fear. Fear is not from Him, so it must be eliminated. I know your pride was hurt, Chris, and I am not sure if I have been able to get across just how much I feel for you in your suffering. But this is one of the lies that you must replace with a truth. Not everyone is going to think you are a homosexual. And if they do, they are believing a lie. You on the otherhand are choosing to believe the truth right? If someone believes that the earth is flat, you KNOW the earth is round. It is not necessary to tell everyone the earth is round, because it is ASSUMED. If someone gives an indication that they believe it is flat, then share the truth, but if not ASSUME they know you are heterosexual. I think it would help you in how you relate to people, and in how you perceive people relate to you.

I don’t think it would be lacking in insight to say that most married women have the inner wisdom to see beyond the emotional walls that their spouses hide behind.
Seeing beyond emotional walls is kind of a womens domain.:shrug:God gave us special powers. haha.

Physically/Mentally my energy is drained by so many illnesses and PTSD. But in truth though I am beginning to see that my illness is not what is paramount. Many loved ones in my family are terminally ill. Some with cancer and A.L.S. disease. Perhaps God has put me in the position I am presently so that I should reach out with my heart to those who very ill physically and mentally. Perhaps this is where I too will find the inner strength I need.

I believe God has put you in the position you are in, so that you will continue to reach out your heart to HIM, and to share with others the compassion you have gained through your suffering. Find that joy He promises, even in the midst of your suffering , and you will truly have something to give to them in the midst of theirs.

 

[Ana]

Last post, I promise!!

His book does implicitly mention about people who undergo various bouts of depression. It does not however speak about rape affliction. The book speaks about the evil spiritual forces at work that undermine temptations, failures, and numerous difficulties that hinder are spiritual growth and seeing God inside our day to day lives.

YES!! This is exactly what I meant only he said it better, cause he is Fr. Michael Scanlon and well … I’m not. Evil sprits are opportunists. They like to kick people when they are down, they like to excaberate things and make them worse. Many times, evil forces can mimic psychological conditions. That’s why it is so important to seek spiritual deliverance. Then you can see what’s left over and deal with that. AND you won’t have them right there trying to foil all your efforts. This is one of the reasons I think it would be beneficial for you in the meantime to really delve into the Church’s teaching on sexuality. I have heard the expression that Spiritual deliverance is nothing more than a TRUTH encounter. Having been severely oppressed, and gone through deliverance counseling … I can say I have found this to be true.

I never heard about The Legion of St. Michael. Do you know if Brother John does correspondence via an Internet link ? Any help would be appreciated.

I really don’t know. My sessions were weekly scheduled phone calls with set prayers I needed to do everyday. He does have a QandA forum in the Spiritual Warfare section of the site where he responds to emails. It is set up similar to the apologetics forum here. A question … he answers. Not really ongoing correspondence, from what I can see. But I HIGHLY recommend seeking out his guidance, and the telephone call is so much more efficient that internet correspondance. Plus in this situation. I think it is important to have a bit of a personal element involved, than an impersonal email. Even if you have to wait, I really hope you will persevere and keep checking back. I know him very well, and he is truly in his calling.

saint-mike.org/ Scroll down on the home page and on the left you will see Main Menu. You can find Bro Ignatius Mary on the Spiritual Warfare Forums. He is a moderator there, and if you click on his link it will set you up with his email I think. OR you can click on the Spiritual Warfare link and it will bring you to the Padre Pio center for Deliverance Counseling.

 

[centurionguard]

Hello Ana;

I want to thank you so much for taking the time to write and share the many intricate insights you went out of your way to articulate. To tell you the truth I’m still sifting over much that you wrote. Maybe I feel somewhat shy in saying this but you brought many a tears in my eyes with much that you wrote. Not such a bad thing at all. Perhaps it’s just my mind skimming through a mess of jumbled painful memories that need cleansing.

I can only share what some of my lies were … I am gross and disgusting. God does not love me. I want to die. I hate myself. I hate my vagina. I hate men. I hate God. God hates me. I am a sexual object. I am here for others sexual pleasure. It was my fault. I should have done this or that. I hate sex. The world is a dangerous place. It will hurt me. I can’t protect myself. I will fail. I am a horrible person, wife, mother, daughter, friend … everything. I am crazy. I am better off dead. I am not good for anything. Everything I touch goes bad, etc. etc. Yours will be different. Even if at the time, we don’t deep down believe these truths. It is VITAL that we CHOOSE to believe it. The effect will follow. (just like your siggy

I can identify with much you speak about here because I have in the past detested many parts about my being and my life when I had wished it could have been different. But in reality we can’t change the learning experience that all humans have to go through in this earthly school of life. Perhaps in the sight of wisdom we can only look forward to changing our tomorrows for what is best for us in the eyes of God even if what is best sometimes hurts our heart.
Life was never meant to be a rose garden or some grand picnic party the way our secular society elusively paints it to be. Life is very vulnerable. Without God it becomes meaningless. You had briefly mentioned Pope John Paul II (“Theology of the Body”); I have the book and just love it. The book is quite profound when talking about our bodily dimension of the human person-hood, sexuality and marriage in the light of the biblical revelation from Genesis. The Nuptial meaning of the human body and the meaning of Chasity for the Sake of God’s Kingdom. There’s so much in this book to digest.

I have a scripture verse I would like to share with you concerning attempts at soul snatching, and God’s response. I need to find it, it’s somewhere in the Old Testament, but suffice it to say … God wins.

“let me know when you find it” it sounds interesting. One of my favorite scripture readings from the Old Testament is from (“Sirach / Ecclesiasticus”) Chap 2 drbo.org/chapter/26002.htm
Or the more modern version from the Jerusalem Catholic Bible: 1 My child, if you aspire to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for an ordeal.
2 Be sincere of heart, be steadfast, and do not be alarmed when disaster comes.
3 Cling to him and do not leave him, so that you may be honored at the end of your days.
4 Whatever happens to you, accept it, and in the uncertainties of your humble state, be patient,
5 since gold is tested in the fire, and the chosen in the furnace of humiliation.
6 Trust him and he will uphold you, follow a straight path and hope in him.
7 You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy; do not turn aside, for fear you fall.
8 You who fear the Lord, trust him, and you will not be robbed of your reward.
9 You who fear the Lord, hope for those good gifts of his, everlasting joy and mercy.
10 Look at the generations of old and see: whoever trusted in the Lord and was put to shame? Or whoever, steadfastly fearing him, was forsaken? Or whoever called to him and was ignored?
11 For the Lord is compassionate and merciful, he forgives sins and saves in the time of distress.

Ana; I would like to talk more about what you wrote but I’m off to a medical appointment this afternoon. I will talk later.

Sincere Kind Regards
Chris

 

[centurionguard]

Ana;

I want to be very gentle here. Please, forgive me, if I overstep, Chris, I think it would be odd, if you DIDN’T carry some fears of being perceived of having homosexual tendancies after your brutal experience. This is VERY common in male survivors. The fear that now everyone is going to think I’m a homosexual. It seems like it is necessary for you, to put the word heterosexual, whenever you refer to yourself as a male. Most reasonable people will know that you are not homosexual, well … because you are not homosexual. Except that perhaps you are trying to allay your own fears of being perceived as a homosexual? If this is true, I beg you to examine before God, this fear of “what other’s think of me.” It is stifling and oppresive and will hinder your spiritual growth. God has told us repeatedly not to fear. Fear is not from Him, so it must be eliminated. I know your pride was hurt, Chris, and I am not sure if I have been able to get across just how much I feel for you in your suffering. But this is one of the lies that you must replace with a truth. Not everyone is going to think you are a homosexual. And if they do, they are believing a lie. You on the otherhand are choosing to believe the truth right? If someone believes that the earth is flat, you KNOW the earth is round. It is not necessary to tell everyone the earth is round, because it is ASSUMED. If someone gives an indication that they believe it is flat, then share the truth, but if not ASSUME they know you are heterosexual. I think it would help you in how you relate to people, and in how you perceive people relate to you.

Most reasonable people will know that you are not homosexual, well … because you are not homosexual.

This is perhaps one of my greatest fears in relating to other people about my past whether it’s here in this relatively safety zone where my emotional state and fears are hidden from others to visibly see. I have asked myself numerous times ("Do I fear homosexuals ? No.
Am I homophobic ? No. Do I fear that others will perceive me as homosexual because of the details of how I was sexually raped. Yes; I do fear this part. But does that invalidate my two previous statements I answered NO to ? When I entertain such thoughts it just raises many painful memories. My sexual identity, indeed my entire human identity
had been lost for decades. I too despised and hated like no hell on earth or under it any damned thing remotely related to sex to a point of it being disgustingly filthy.

It wasn’t just the fact of being raped, tortured, and sodomized numerous times by two men. But I was also tortured, raped, and sodomized by a woman all the while having a loaded gun in my mouth and sawed off rifle to my head. The woman tortured me by using a hot curling iron. Sigh ! Perhaps you can only partially imagine how many time I have woken up during the night in sweat, tears, nightmares, and trembling in fear.

My assailants did other things to me with a knife I shamefully don’t even want to talk about. But I gather you can imagine. For twenty-three years I remained silent about it telling nobody not even my parents. Nor did I seek medical help for the serious injuries I sustained. Back in 1979 no man talked about rape. It was a taboo subject. It still is in many respects because we live in a biased society that dichotomizes any man who is raped as being gay. But this is far from being the truth. Before I was raped I was a 23 year old heterosexual man. After the rape I became an IT. God made me a man with a heterosexual identity. With what physical sexual identity I have left with whatever science defines as manhood after the rape. So I try to cling to my former (“heterosexual”) identity even though I still detest anything having to do with sex without judging the sexuality of other people so long as their sexual ethics are in line with the Catholic Churches Moral teachings.

Chris, and I am not sure if I have been able to get across just how much I feel for you in your suffering. But this is one of the lies that you must replace with a truth. Not everyone is going to think you are a homosexual. And if they do, they are believing a lie. You on the other hand are choosing to believe the truth right?

Despite all the pain in my past I am struggling to find the right path and TRUTH which in reality is out of this world. God hides the truth from the arrogant. It is only when one humbles themselves do they see. Not with human eyes; but, with the eyes of their heart.

 

[Ana]

. But in reality we can’t change the learning experience that all humans have to go through in this earthly school of life. Perhaps in the sight of wisdom we can only look forward to changing our tomorrows for what is best for us in the eyes of God even if what is best sometimes hurts our heart.

True, but it is more than that. We can look forward to God changing the effects that our past have on our future, and even more transform those effects to be something beneficial to ourselves, humanity and for His Glory.

Life was never meant to be a rose garden or some grand picnic party the way our secular society elusively paints it to be. Life is very vulnerable. Without God it becomes meaningless.

Also true, but The CCC reminds us that our purpose is to know, love, and serve God so that we can be happy with Him, in this life and the next.

You had briefly mentioned Pope John Paul II (“Theology of the Body”); I have the book and just love it. The book is quite profound when talking about our bodily dimension of the human person-hood, sexuality and marriage in the light of the biblical revelation from Genesis. The Nuptial meaning of the human body and the meaning of Chasity for the Sake of God’s Kingdom. There’s so much in this book to digest.

Yes, and the things we learn from it are one of those gifts that keep on giving. We cannot predict when this knowledge will bear fruit in our souls, but that by seeking and attempting to embrace these teachings, we are helping our soul’s battle against the Father of Lies with God’s Truths. Kind of like ammo in the stockpile for emergencies. Only God is who decides WHEN.

Or the more modern version from the Jerusalem Catholic Bible: 1 My child, if you aspire to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for an ordeal.
2 Be sincere of heart, be steadfast, and do not be alarmed when disaster comes.
3 Cling to him and do not leave him, so that you may be honored at the end of your days.
4 Whatever happens to you, accept it, and in the uncertainties of your humble state, be patient,
5 since gold is tested in the fire, and the chosen in the furnace of humiliation.
6 Trust him and he will uphold you, follow a straight path and hope in him.
7 You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy; do not turn aside, for fear you fall.
8 You who fear the Lord, trust him, and you will not be robbed of your reward.
9 You who fear the Lord, hope for those good gifts of his, everlasting joy and mercy.
10 Look at the generations of old and see: whoever trusted in the Lord and was put to shame? Or whoever, steadfastly fearing him, was forsaken? Or whoever called to him and was ignored?
11 For the Lord is compassionate and merciful, he forgives sins and saves in the time of distress.

This is amazingly beautiful and comforting. I can’t thank you enough for sharing this, I will remember it forever.

 

[Ana]

Ana;
This is perhaps one of my greatest fears in relating to other people about my past whether it’s here in this relatively safety zone where my emotional state and fears are hidden from others to visibly see. I have asked myself numerous times ("Do I fear homosexuals ? No.
Am I homophobic ? No. Do I fear that others will perceive me as homosexual because of the details of how I was sexually raped. Yes; I do fear this part. But does that invalidate my two previous statements I answered NO to ?
Absolutely not. Why would it? These are seperate from one another. You are questioning your own motives. Learning to trust ourselves is very difficult. But we need to be our own best friend. Otherwise, how can we love our neighbors the way God has asked of us? You answered NO, to those two previous questions. Accept your answer without suspecting yourself. We are called to not act with suspician towards our neighbors. Therefore, if we are to be a good neighbor to others, we must not treat ourselves with suspicion. It creates inner conflict. Which is against our goal of inner peace. Trust that you are telling the truth to yourself as far as you know, because that is all that anyone who is merely human can do. IF and it is a big IF, in the future you determine that you struggle with same sex attractions, it STILL doesn’t mean that you are homosexual. Esp. because up until the age of 23 you considered yourself heterosexual. Most homosexuals admit to always having SSA. If you in the future struggle with it, it would more than likely be because of confusion wrought from your gang rape, and which would be transient not permanent … NOT because you are a homosexual.

When I entertain such thoughts it just raises many painful memories. My sexual identity, indeed my entire human identity
had been lost for decades. I too despised and hated like no hell on earth or under it any damned thing remotely related to sex to a point of it being disgustingly filthy.
When I was a stripper, I couldn’t honestly say I was attracted to men, which typically by default would leave me women, but I wasn’t attracted to them either. I hated sexuality in general and referred to myself as an asexual. as time passed it became apparant that my hatred was more localized than I had previously thought, and that my hatred was directed towards my own sexuality. It took many years for me to figure this out. An avoidance of sex with my husband, an aversion to breastfeeding, a prudish attitude towards sex when I did do it and severe PMDD eventually helped shine the light. I learned that my PMDD was in actuality a physiological manifestation of this hatred. Even if my conscious part didn’t know I was going to be entering the cycle of the physical symbol of female sexuality (menstruation) my subconscious did and it influenced my whole perception of reality.

Incidently, when I was able after much purification and the abundant and generous grace of God, to be brought to a place in this exile where I could truly love and appreciate my sexuality, my PMDD has disappeared. I learned recently, that they are now establishing a causel connection from those that suffer from PMDD and prior sexual trauma. My PMDD was only one of the ways that my hatred of my sexuality manifested itself, and I only share this to bring to light how our inner perceptions can in fact alter our outer realities. Granted you being a male will not have this particular manifestation, as this is purely female, but you have your own that are purely male.

It wasn’t just the fact of being raped, tortured, and sodomized numerous times by two men. But I was also tortured, raped, and sodomized by a woman all the while having a loaded gun in my mouth and sawed off rifle to my head. The woman tortured me by using a hot curling iron. Sigh ! Perhaps you can only partially imagine how many time I have woken up during the night in sweat, tears, nightmares, and trembling in fear.
The actual experience you describe is one I cannot even imagine. I can only personally relate to the imbalance and abuse of power, the feeling of helpless terror, the after effects of the nightmares (all of which had a demonic element) with the added experiences of flashbacks and body memories associated with PTSD. I must say that I was affected by the details you shared. I needed to walk and just be for a minute. I said a Chaplet of Divine Mercy for you and came back. Though it is hard to read, I am grateful that God has given you so much grace and courage to be able to share your experience. You never know who is lurking here, who feels alone, and may be following closely on your quest for God’s peace.

 

[Ana]

My assailants did other things to me with a knife I shamefully don’t even want to talk about. But I gather you can imagine. For twenty-three years I remained silent about it telling nobody not even my parents. Nor did I seek medical help for the serious injuries I sustained. Back in 1979 no man talked about rape. It was a taboo subject.
If you don’t want to talk about it, perhaps it is not time, though it saddens me to see the word “shamefully”. Shame is one of the biggest and most crippling after effects. I think maybe I that is why I was so drawn to the study program of Theology of the Body Naked Without Shame, by Christopher West. I liked the name.

It is important for us to understand that we are called to love our sexuality. That to continue in shame and self hatred is to fall very short of the life God is calling us to live here on this side of heaven, and that by doing so, we are living contrary to God’s will. Blame, accountability, innocence, and immunity aside. We are ALL called to live to the potential God has called us to individually. It is not okay to settle for less, when God wants more, even if it seems our capability to do so has been robbed from us. Because than we are in effect saying that our circumstances were too big and that in our situation God is not able. Of course, He is able and will … in His time and in His way, and in the meantime we are to pray as if it all depends on God and work as if it all depends on us.

I sense an admirable willingness to suffer in you, Chris. But it is important that it is not a suffering born of resignation but of a desire to do the work God asks of us. Even if it means suffering to be made well. It is sometimes hard to accept that God wants good for us, when we have become so accustomed to living the way we have been, and have worked so hard to learn to accept the bad. It can seem that learning to accept the possibility of good for us, can be even harder.

It still is in many respects because we live in a biased society that dichotomizes any man who is raped as being gay. But this is far from being the truth. Before I was raped I was a 23 year old heterosexual man. After the rape I became an IT.

Kind of like being asexual? You are not an IT. You are a man, created in the IMAGE OF GOD! I understand you feel like an IT. But you have studied our faith enough to know that our feelings are not our guide. Strive to follow the teachings, and eventually your feelings will follow…

God made me a man with a heterosexual identity.

Repeat this to yourself 1,000 times a day, not stopping until YOU BELIEVE what you say. Until you believe with your whole heart, that what GOD has created (you = heterosexual), NO man or group of men can put asunder.

With what physical sexual identity I have left with whatever science defines as manhood after the rape.
You have what the Church defines as manhood to go by … much better.

So I try to cling to my former (“heterosexual”) identity even though I still detest anything having to do with sex without judging the sexuality of other people so long as their sexual ethics are in line with the Catholic Churches Moral teachings.
You don’t need to cling to what already belongs to you, my heart. I pray you can let go of the fear that your heterosexuality has been or can be stolen. Plus, you are clinging only to a memory of your heterosexuality. Strive to let go of the memory, and trust that today in reality you are a heterosexual. It is just hidden from yourself under a lot of pain, but it is still there waiting to be transformed into the heterosexual male you have always been expressed in the present day.

Despite all the pain in my past I am struggling to find the right path and TRUTH which in reality is out of this world. That sounds so self defeating! Why struggle for something that is unnattainable? Truth is THE path, and it can be found in this world through the many avenues God has so generously given us to help us on our way to Heaven. There we will experience Truth in it’s fullness through the Beatific Vision.

God hides the truth from the arrogant. It is only when one humbles themselves do they see. Not with human eyes; but, with the eyes of their heart. We all struggle with pride, and the gang rape you endured can really make this a tricky vice for you. As victims of sexual violance, we were humiliated in the worst way. Deep in the inner recesses of ourselves, our sexuality, our very essence. But not the kind of humiliation that comes from God, that springs up in ourselves an honest appreciation of our smallness and unworthiness. No, this humilation is evil (the devil is a bully), and it springs up in ourselves a reactive type of pride that can manifest itself in many many ways, sometimes this way, sometimes that way, but always in fear. I am sure you are familiar with the Litany of Humility. This helps us to see some of the many ways pride can reveal itself, and I think it is very telling that this litany specifically asks for deliverance from many fears. I think everyone should say this prayer everyday, but especially those whose perceptions have been severely altered by trauma.

God bless you Chris, and I am grateful that though you have suffered and continue to suffer tremendously, that you are allowing God to use you as a mouthpiece for those who are still suffering in the silence of shame. Especially our dear wounded men, who so desperately need a voice.

 

[centurionguard]

Ana;

If you don’t want to talk about it, perhaps it is not time, though it saddens me to see the word “shamefully”. Shame is one of the biggest and most crippling after effects. I think maybe I that is why I was so drawn to the study program of Theology of the Body Naked Without Shame, by Christopher West. I liked the name.

If you don’t want to talk about it, perhaps it is not time, though it saddens me to see the word “shamefully”.

Perhaps Ana; shame as an expression inside me could be exchanged for the word embarrassment. It can be difficult trying to accurately articulate human feelings when those feelings are mixed with pain. ("The part about the knife that I felt shamed and embarrassed about was the fact of my aggressors tried to castrate me. Suffice to say it left me half a man, half neutered, half an IT. My sincere apologies if you can read any slight emotion of anger and resentment in all this. But really it’s a deep sense of pain that I feel.

I have often tried to ask my self and my clouded mind why is it I feel guilty, disgraced, shamed about my horrid gang-rape past ? Because; in order to restore a semblance of order to my shattered world and a modicum of dominion over my chaotic life, I have felt this pressing need to transform my shattered mental resilience into the cause of my own degradation and what it would possibly be like to be aggressor of my tormentors.

If rape is about power and domination over somebody else; Why is it I can not put myself into the frame of mind of that of my aggressors to understand why they did what they did to me. It is so inconceivably shocking that people would deliberately and spitefully go out of their way to do such a gross evil act. It is so impossible for me to consider having the in-cling of ever putting myself up to injure a person this way. I am not a monster, I am definitively not made this way.

It literally breaks and eats me apart inside trying to fathom Why people can be so sick in their mind unless these kind of savages are possessed by pure satanic evil.

I sense an admirable willingness to suffer in you, Chris. But it is important that it is not a suffering born of resignation but of a desire to do the work God asks of us. Even if it means suffering to be made well. It is sometimes hard to accept that God wants good for us, when we have become so accustomed to living the way we have been, and have worked so hard to learn to accept the bad. It can seem that learning to accept the possibility of good for us, can be even harder.

What you speak about here is my greatest learning experience. ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT HAPPENED IN MY PAST. Not for my sake. But learning to join my sufferings to Jesus on the Cross. Sure there will be many more tears shed. But I do feel that this is where I will find real peace on this wretched world.

 

[Ana]

Ana;

Perhaps Ana; shame as an expression inside me could be exchanged for the word embarrassment. It can be difficult trying to accurately articulate human feelings when those feelings are mixed with pain. ("The part about the knife that I felt shamed and embarrassed about was the fact of my aggressors tried to castrate me. Suffice to say it left me half a man, half neutered, half an IT. My sincere apologies if you can read any slight emotion of anger and resentment in all this. But really it’s a deep sense of pain that I feel.
Of course you are angry. I am feeling some anger right now too, and it didn’t happen to me.
I have often tried to ask my self and my clouded mind why is it I feel guilty, disgraced, shamed about my horrid gang-rape past ? Because; in order to restore a semblance of order to my shattered world and a modicum of dominion over my chaotic life, I have felt this pressing need to transform my shattered mental resilience into the cause of my own degradation and what it would possibly be like to be aggressor of my tormentors.

This is absolutely understandable, and has served in a way to help you to cope. This is not the cause of your own degradation, but a way that you have found to survive. I believe that this was a sign not of a shattered mental resiliance but an expression of a functioning resiliance, a part of you that refused to lie down and just die. Even if the best you could do, was to muster an “I’ll show them” in your consideration of those possibilities, it helped you to stand. Not only that as you pointed out below, it served to show you that no matter what your pain, no matter how strong the inner compulsion is propelling you inside … you have a choice … and so did they … and YOU would choose differently.

If rape is about power and domination over somebody else; Why is it I can not put myself into the frame of mind of that of my aggressors to understand why they did what they did to me. It is so inconceivably shocking that people would deliberately and spitefully go out of their way to do such a gross evil act. It is so impossible for me to consider having the in-cling of ever putting myself up to injure a person this way. I am not a monster, I am definitively not made this way.
I could have spoken these words verbatim as they express what is in my heart as well.
It literally breaks and eats me apart inside trying to fathom Why people can be so sick in their mind unless these kind of savages are possessed by pure satanic evil.
I have come to the conclusion (right or wrong), that at least while they are commiting the act they are in the possession of demons by choice.

What you speak about here is my greatest learning experience. ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT HAPPENED IN MY PAST. Not for my sake. But learning to join my sufferings to Jesus on the Cross. Sure there will be many more tears shed. But I do feel that this is where I will find real peace on this wretched world. Yes, to understand that our sufferings with Christ are given purpose, is so comforting, but it is only half of it. I found it easy to suffer as my self hatred and self condemnation inclined me and made it easy for me to live a life of self denial. It took me awhile to understand that it was not the Cruxifiction that provided the inner transformation, but generously provided the way. If I was not willing to accept the NEW LIFE offered to me, by also sharing in his Ressurection, than my suffering, even if united with His is really for nothing in the end. Now THAT is sad… And that for me was even harder than accepting my suffering. To accept that that kind of beauty and love was for me. Disgusting, filthy dirty me. Put me on the cross, that is where I belonged anyway, but the Ressurection? That was for the other people.

 

[Ana]

I wanted to bring up your referance to embarassment, and shame. The shame and embarrassment belongs to the ones who did this to you. They are the ones who should be embarassed. They are the ones who should be ashamed. They are the ones you should be angry at.

I have often wondered also, how these poeple FIND eachother. Do they smell eachothers slimy souls? Have a radar? I think that even before the age of the internet, the only explanation for their ability to radar each other out is under the inluence of the demonic. The devils on their shoulders travel amongst eachother and communicate with one another.

 

[nancy_dalrymple]

A civil matter? A crime was committed. I can feel your hurt and anguish. My daughter was also raped and the local police dept except for one police officer was deplorable. No matter what any law enforcement agency says, unless a female is left a half dead on the side of the road…she still gets the blame and rape didn’t occur. I wouldn’t go back to that parish. I would find another one…if that is what is important to the pastor (money) then you are well aware that you are wasting your time, money & energy. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there are other victims. Men who rape or molest start when they are teenagers and have had multiple victims before they are caught for one. Keep trusting in God, the truth will come out. God knows what is going on and He will take care of you. Don’t let bitterness overcome you. Remember, The Blessed Virgin Mary had to watch her Son be brutally murdered, she knows exactly what you are going through. It will get better, there is help available I urge you both to do so. You can start by calling the Rape Crisis hotline…rape has not only a devastating affect on the person who was violated but also that person’s family members. God Bless.

That’s why alot of woman dont say anything about it because back whenb i was younger they blamed you for the rape, how were you dressed?,did you tempt him?,did you act like you wanted him to do that ETC. So you go away and keep your mouth shut. Love of Christ Nancy

 

[Ana]

That’s why alot of woman dont say anything about it because back whenb i was younger they blamed you for the rape, how were you dressed?,did you tempt him?,did you act like you wanted him to do that ETC. So you go away and keep your mouth shut. Love of Christ Nancy

Sad … but true.

 

[Lainey63]

That’s why alot of woman dont say anything about it because back whenb i was younger they blamed you for the rape, how were you dressed?,did you tempt him?,did you act like you wanted him to do that ETC. So you go away and keep your mouth shut. Love of Christ Nancy

I know, boy do I know. And doesn’t it make you sick when even a small child is accused of being the cause…if people would only stop and actually listen to what they are saying. Ok I’m kinda falling into a blind rage here…but I wanted to agree with that statement.

 

[Ana]

I know, boy do I know. And doesn’t it make you sick when even a small child is accused of being the cause…if people would only stop and actually listen to what they are saying. Ok I’m kinda falling into a blind rage here…but I wanted to agree with that statement.

Lainey, it was you whose daughter was raped. I am so sorry. I had mistakenly directed my words in an earlier post to catharina, but they were directed towards you. I am so sorry for what you both have had to go through, as well as the revictimization by those who are supposed to care.

 

[Lainey63]

Lainey, it was you whose daughter was raped. I am so sorry. I had mistakenly directed my words in an earlier post to catharina, but they were directed towards you. I am so sorry for what you both have had to go through, as well as the revictimization by those who are supposed to care.

Thank you Ana. I don’t know if this is true in your family but sexual, physical, and verbal abuse is generational in my family. My daughter is a grown woman today with 2 small children and she is also a recovering addict/alcoholic. I thank God for that. I am also a recovering alcoholic and I have just started again going to counseling to heal from my past and I have spoken to her about going also for herself as well as the grief to grace retreat and Rachel’s vineyard. Right now we are surrounded by God sent people and I can see God’s hand in our recoveries and healing. The counselor I go to is certified and works at the parish I attend…it’s called the Divine Mercy Healing. She has lots of experience with sexual abuse and addictions which you probably know are related. Turns out she is the director of the Grief to Grace counseling, which as of now is only available in 2 states FL & Tx. She is also very involved with Rachel’s Vineyard. While she is not a recovering alcoholic or addict, I am friends with a woman in my AA group who is also a counselor also a “survivor” who helps me not to get “stuck”.
My daughter attends a rehab daily for women which the recovery encompasses just about everything, the 12-step program, counseling in other areas ie sexual abuse, eating disorders, parenting classes, domestic abuse, etc as well as psychiatric care. Also, help in getting child care subsidy, financial aid, medical attention, education. She is on probation & her po is tough and she can’t con him…She has the utmost respect for this man, she trusts him and likes him. What a God send he has been…God sends the right people at the right time. When her PO came over I told him he was our hero…he beamed.
God has been working so prominately in our life this past year that it has been worth the pain and the wait.
My daughter is not yet ready to tackle this issue yet. She’s new to sobriety and it hasn’t hit her yet. But she knows the stronger she gets the more she will be able to handle, I am working towards healing so that I can help her through this rather than crumble under my own heap as I have done before.
This is quite long and I apologize but I just wanted to share something with centurianguard…I always wanted to be married. But I never did get married and I haven’t been with a man in over 20 years. Because I learned a long time ago that whoever I was with couldn’t satisfy me-emotionally. By that I mean, I went through agony, the fear, the terror of being hurt both emotionally & physically, of being betrayed. There was no way I could get enough attention, enough consolation…it was too much to ask of anybody-there was no prince in shining armour walking on this planet. Only God can restore me to sanity…and He can and He will, if He is sought…(a little AA talk for you )

 

[marthagreys]

I just had to conffirm what Lainey and Nancy said about how unbelievably awful it is for people to revictimize the victim, esp a child, by blaming them for the attack. This is where we’re at right now - and it just haunts us night and day. The scum who accosted my daughter has a looong criminal history, refused a polygraph test, and pled guilty. How much more evidence does a person need to believe that HE, not my daughter is the bad guy. I think that our greatest wound comes from the church members who just thrive on adding salt to the wound. We can’t seem to go to Mass without having to endure some cruel, heartless, and untrue accusation. The last time I was at church ( a couple of weeks ago- I just don’t have the energy to deal with it anymore right now) someone actually approached me and my daughter and said “Now that you ruined a man’s life, are you happy now?” HAPPY? HAPPY? NOOOO, WE ARE NOT HAPPY! Sometimes I don’t think we’ll ever get to be happy again!! “Happy” is only a distant memory. There’s no “happy” for a single mom and family who go through an attack like this and then are revictimized at the hand of the brothers and sisters in Christ who should be the biggest support. There is no opportunity for healing - only a raw, open, festering wound that just seems like it will never go away. Happy? I only wish!

 

[centurionguard]

Lainey63;

This is quite long and I apologize but I just wanted to share something with centurianguard…I always wanted to be married. But I never did get married and I haven’t been with a man in over 20 years. Because I learned a long time ago that whoever I was with couldn’t satisfy me-emotionally. By that I mean, I went through agony, the fear, the terror of being hurt both emotionally & physically, of being betrayed. There was no way I could get enough attention, enough consolation…it was too much to ask of anybody-there was no prince in shining armour walking on this planet. Only God can restore me to sanity…and He can and He will, if He is sought…(a little AA talk for you )

Hello Lainey; I truly appreciate you stating this. Having gone through the traumatic life and even though I did have the desire to be married to a sweetheart wife and have children it became apparent that with my increasing illnesses over the years both mentally and physically and now with the onset of cancer, I could not fulfill a necessary commitment that would be beneficial in all fairness to both of us. There’s much more than just being able to faithfully love the soul of your spouse. I still have my moments of regret but I am beginning to see beyond such a desire with God’s help. I have witnessed a strange beautiful thing about (“True Love Between Husband & Wife”) My youngest brother now 40 terminally ill with A.L.S. (“Lou Gehrig’s Disease”) got married five years ago to a very intelligent American woman with a big heart. She in turn suffers with the extreme affliction of Bi Polar Disease. I remember the day they were married in our families home Catholic Church. Being the best-man I saw a Bridegroom and Bride both saying their heartfelt vows with tears streaming down both their cheeks. “In sickness and in health to death do they part” they both knew deep down inside them the challenges they both faced. Yet; love was greater than their sicknesses. After the Mass the priest made the closing sacramental prayers. As the bride and groom walked down the aisle to begin their life, the priest whispered something to my parents who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary (“Truly the priest said; this was a marriage blessed from heaven”).
I’m a man with a soft heart for true sentimentality’s. In my life time having worked in a Catholic Church for ten years as a Sacristan I witnessed close to 500 sacramental marriages. I don’t think it was unnatural for me to have wished that one day I would have walked down that aisle with my sweetheart close to my side. But I do believe without a doubt that God sets aside single people for a different vocation in serving God.
According to Luke in the New Testament, Martha was head of the household; she welcomed Jesus into her home. Mary was probably younger. Like most sisters, these two women had conflicts which emerged because of their different personalities, roles, and simply the fact that they were siblings. Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village, where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks; so she came to him and asked, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:38-42). Perhaps what God wants of people who lead a single vocation to choose the better part.

 

[Ana]

I just had to conffirm what Lainey and Nancy said about how unbelievably awful it is for people to revictimize the victim, esp a child, by blaming them for the attack. This is where we’re at right now - and it just haunts us night and day. The scum who accosted my daughter has a looong criminal history, refused a polygraph test, and pled guilty. How much more evidence does a person need to believe that HE, not my daughter is the bad guy. I think that our greatest wound comes from the church members who just thrive on adding salt to the wound. We can’t seem to go to Mass without having to endure some cruel, heartless, and untrue accusation. The last time I was at church ( a couple of weeks ago- I just don’t have the energy to deal with it anymore right now) someone actually approached me and my daughter and said “Now that you ruined a man’s life, are you happy now?” HAPPY? HAPPY? NOOOO, WE ARE NOT HAPPY! Sometimes I don’t think we’ll ever get to be happy again!! “Happy” is only a distant memory. There’s no “happy” for a single mom and family who go through an attack like this and then are revictimized at the hand of the brothers and sisters in Christ who should be the biggest support. There is no opportunity for healing - only a raw, open, festering wound that just seems like it will never go away. Happy? I only wish!

This just really blows my mind. It actually leaves me speechless. No, I’ve got lots to say about this actually. I cannot say how sorry I am that people are so callous! And the fact that they actually imply that somehow this whole event was orchestrated by your daughter belies all implication of logical thought in these people. They are deliberately denying the facts, that this man has admitted that he raped your daughter.

I mentioned that I was raped by my uncle when I was 17 yrs. old. He was a state trooper, and because of the legal ramifications, he lost his job. I was also blamed for “ruining his life.” My mother was the only one who supported me. The extended family abandoned me and flocked to him. I was treated as a pariah, no longer invited to family events and ignored in public. These family members lived next door on three sides of the property. We WERE a very close family, and I resented that I was the one who really lost, because I lost my whole family that I loved. My Aunts and Uncles, and my cousins. They were all mad at me. I actually internalized the blame they were projecting and blamed myself for ruining my family. I ran away and then began my descent into a life in the gutter. That was where i felt comfortable, that was where I belonged.

Looking back, and being around the same age as your daughter, if I had to think of what I needed the most and didn’t get, was exactly where they were hurting me the most. I needed ALOT of validation. I needed to know this wasn’t my fault. I understand that your parish priest and the members should be offering compassion and help to your daughter. But the reality is, that they are NOT. We can’t make decisions based on what things should be, or what we wish things were. We have to base our decisions on the reality of “what is.” In this case, the “what is” is that the people in this parish have become a source of further pain for your daughter and yourself. Is there another parish close by, that you can go to until you two are a little less vulnerable? If not, I suggest you keep your eyes only on Jesus in the Eucharist, look neither right nor left, but eyes forward directly on Him. I suggest you remove expectations of compassion and understanding from the people there, and place it on Christ from whom you are assured of receiving it.

I think it would be helpful as well to have a stock of replies already in your pocket for if these confrontations continue to occur. Maybe some of us can brainstorm with you to find one of those really good combacks, that leave them unable to respond. I’ll start …

“It is clear that your soul is in darkness from the sheer insensitivity of what you said.” Then with all the pity you can muster, even if you have to act … go for the academy award … “I will be praying for you, you poor demented soul.” (Tears in the eyes would really enhance the effect) then WALK AWAY. No matter what, do not allow them to put you in the position of needing to defend your daughter or yourself. There is nothing to defend. YOU are not the one who has done anything wrong. Do NOT internalize their lies, and do not give them the satisfaction of letting them see their arrow hit their mark.

I am so sorry. There REALLY is a need for the Church to come forward and embrace those in our situations as Chris pointed out by starting this thread. I, personally, have begun speaking with another women in my parish, who also recognizes this need) to see if we cannot somehow get some things started at our parish. We have done a novena to St. Dymphna asking for guidance, and hopefully if it is God’s will, MORE people will begin to be the change we want to see, and we will see many more in the near future. The retreat Lainey pointed out, to me, is a sign that things are FINALLY starting to move in the right direction. Let’s remain hopeful and pray. God’s timing is perfect and He will bring good purpose from our sufferings.

 

[Ana]

I wonder if the administrators here would consider a sub forum for those seeking support from sexual trauma? Even if it isn’t an “official resource” perhaps it can be a place where we can support and encourage one another from a Catholic perspective. It would be nice if it were password protected.