Catholic Husband and marital relations

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Sewandcook

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Hi, I am a non Catholic hoping to gain some insight on a marital issue with my husband. My husband is a devout Catholic and I have no issue with that. He does not want to use BC and I respect that wish. I am currently pregnant with our 5th child. For the past few months he has not intiated any interest in marital relations. When I brought this up to him he sheepishly claims his desires to control fleshly lusts. We have a loving marriage, and I don’t believe there to be any physical problems or that he is engaged in adultery. These are the two most common reasons married couples have these issues. Is there a reason why he would do this for his Catholic faith and I am missing it? I am very confused, beginning to feel very hurt, and hopeless. He tells me he is happy to meet my needs, but his lack of interest is hurtful. When I explain this to him he looks at me lovingly, tells me I am beautiful and pets me like a little child. I love my husband, but didn’t enter marriage to live as brother and sister. This issue has been stressing me out and at this point in my pregnancy I don’t need stress. Thanks!
 
First off, as you know, it’s impossible for us to know what’s actually going on with your husband. There is nothing in Catholic moral teachings that would suggest or cause this behavior, so really it’s something going on with him personally.

I’m a little confused, though… you’re pregnant, so there’s no risk of conceiving right now, right?
Abstaining is a moral way of avoiding conception (if you’ve prayerfully come to this conclusion as a couple), but since you’re already pregnant it seems to be a moot point…???

So the whole bit is a little confusing???
 
That is sort of my point. I am confused. I am just trying to find out if there is something tied to hisCatholic faith that would cause this. His only reasoning so far has been “avoiding fleshly desires.” But in a marriage aren’t healthy relations acceptable? I just can’t p(name removed by moderator)oint his lack of desire and why it is necessary. I should also mention he is not the best at verbalizing what he is thinking.
 
Does he maybe think that sexual intimacy while you’re currently pregnant could somehow harm the baby??? Some men aren’t always able to express their fears and so they avoid talking about it?? This is just a guess on my part, as my husband wasn’t sexually interested in me as I became overtly pregnant - he still loved me, but just wasn’t “turned on” - and after waddling around like the Pillsbury Dough Boy for the last 4 months, I wasn’t much interested in him either!!! -😉

Maybe see if hubby will go with you to your next Doctor’s appt - maybe the Dr. can covertly quiz hubby if he’s feeling ok too?? Just a thought!
 
Sewandcook said:
That is sort of my point. I am confused. I am just trying to find out if there is something tied to hisCatholic faith that would cause this. His only reasoning so far has been “avoiding fleshly desires.” But in a marriage aren’t healthy relations acceptable? I just can’t p(name removed by moderator)oint his lack of desire and why it is necessary. I should also mention he is not the best at verbalizing what he is thinking.
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Well I think that’s the issue there. As Em noted, there’s nothing in Catholic doctrine that would instruct husbands to withdraw from their wives. Even Paul said spouses should only separate themselves for a time for prayer and then to come back together.

I know back in the Middle Ages there would be specified times of the year where marital relations were frowned upon. Like Lent for instance. That was seen as a time to mortify the flesh in all ways with fasting and abstinence of multiple kinds. Then again, there were also convoluted “rules” governing warfare as well (See the Peace and Truce of God) But none of these compacts were truly binding. More like social and societal norms.

Bottom line, I think there’s something else going on. I don’t mean nefarious issues either. You said you don’t think there’s a physical issue, but maybe there is. That’s certainly potentially embarrassing, so maybe this is the excuse. Or perhaps he read something about mortifying the flesh, like a saint’s biography, and he’s going a bit overboard in response. It happens. You should definitely open up the lines of communication and point out that you feel rejected, you don’t understand where he’s coming from, but you want to understand it. Don’t be threatening in any way that would cause him to shrink further from the discussion. Be direct but loving.
 
Sewandcook said:
That is sort of my point. I am confused. I am just trying to find out if there is something tied to hisCatholic faith that would cause this.
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There is nothing in Church teaching to cause this.
His only reasoning so far has been “avoiding fleshly desires.” But in a marriage aren’t healthy relations acceptable?
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Yes, in marriage healthy relations are acceptable. Even encouraged.
I just can’t p(name removed by moderator)oint his lack of desire and why it is necessary. I should also mention he is not the best at verbalizing what he is thinking.
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You need to talk to him. None of this makes sense.
 
First of all, good for you for being so open to life and respectful of your husband’s beliefs.

Secondly, I will just add that contrary to popular belief, there are a host of reasons that a man’s sex drive could be low at any given time. Could be stress, self-esteem, concerns about the pregnancy, etc. etc.

His assertion that it’s to keep fleshly desires controlled may just mean he’s going through a period of “fasting” from certain pleasures in order to spend that energy on his relationship with God. In the scripture St. Paul says it’s OK for couples take some time apart from marital relations to dedicate a season of prayer and focus on God. You’re really going to have to talk to your husband more about it. None of us (including you) can read his mind.
 
Sewandcook said:
That is sort of my point. I am confused. I am just trying to find out if there is something tied to hisCatholic faith that would cause this. His only reasoning so far has been “avoiding fleshly desires.” But in a marriage aren’t healthy relations acceptable? I just can’t p(name removed by moderator)oint his lack of desire and why it is necessary. I should also mention he is not the best at verbalizing what he is thinking.
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I don’t think it has anything to do with his Catholic faith unless he is misunderstanding something. Marital intimacy is encouraged. I don’t necessarily think there is such a thing as lust in a marriage, unless by lust you mean that you think that your spouse is merely an object for sexual pleasure, which shouldn’t be the case.

May sound like a personal question, but have you had intercourse while pregnant before?

Another possibility I can think of (and could very well be wrong) is if he saw a woman who he thought was attractive, but doesn’t want to engage in adulterous thoughts of her because he loves you, and fears that if he did engage in intercourse, a thought of the other woman might cross his mind and that he might dwell on impure thoughts of her. This idea is a bit far-fetched, but without really knowing your husband or the things that have been crossing his mind lately, I don’t really know what could be going on.
 
Sewandcook said:
That is sort of my point. I am confused. I am just trying to find out if there is something tied to hisCatholic faith that would cause this. His only reasoning so far has been “avoiding fleshly desires.” But in a marriage aren’t healthy relations acceptable? I just can’t p(name removed by moderator)oint his lack of desire and why it is necessary. I should also mention he is not the best at verbalizing what he is thinking.
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Marital act during pregnancy is morally permissible. It is not a catholic issue, there is no ban from Roman Catholic Church. The marital act is, per se, for everyday.

It is morally wrong for husband to refuse the request of marital act coming from his wife during pregnancy without objective and realistic reasons (diseases, tireness,…). Conjugal sex during pregnancy is very healthy, holy, useful, wonderful…etc.

It is morally wrong for husband not to ask the marital act to his wife during pregnancy **without objective and realistic reasons (diseases, tireness,…). **Conjugal sex during pregnancy is very healthy, holy, useful, wonderful…etc.
 
Sewandcook said:
That is sort of my point. I am confused. I am just trying to find out if there is something tied to hisCatholic faith that would cause this. His only reasoning so far has been “avoiding fleshly desires.” But in a marriage aren’t healthy relations acceptable? I just can’t p(name removed by moderator)oint his lack of desire and why it is necessary. I should also mention he is not the best at verbalizing what he is thinking.
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A **bilateral **will of stopping the marital act, for time, is morally okay, but an unilateral will of stopping the marital act, for time, is morally wrong, it is not moral.

The marital act is a debt, an obligation, a duty, you have rights on his body.
 
Prairie_Rose said:
Does he maybe think that sexual intimacy while you’re currently pregnant could somehow harm the baby??? Some men aren’t always able to express their fears and so they avoid talking about it?? This is just a guess on my part, as my husband wasn’t sexually interested in me as I became overtly pregnant - he still loved me, but just wasn’t “turned on” - and after waddling around like the Pillsbury Dough Boy for the last 4 months, I wasn’t much interested in him either!!! -😉

Maybe see if hubby will go with you to your next Doctor’s appt - maybe the Dr. can covertly quiz hubby if he’s feeling ok too?? Just a thought!
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This was my first thought… that either he thinks he might harm the baby, or he feels like while his wife is pregnant she can’t possibly be comfortable or “get into” marital relations… perhaps he incorrectly assumes that his wife is just trying to please him and he feels like he’s using her to indulge.

Another thing that pops into my head is the idea that he really MAY be having some health issues (or a reduced libido) and is too ashamed to admit it or seek treatment.

The post indicating that he may have read something about mortification of the flesh and taken it (too) seriously is also a strong possibility.

Hmmmn… OP, have you had this issue with previous pregnancies, or is this the first time that this has occured?
 
Since we are into full-on speculation, what if he is going overboard in the following manner: “since my bride is pregnant, intercourse cannot be procreative (alert: incorrect!), so if I want to have intercourse, I must be lusting after her” ? Agree with Bucket, he could be “over-mortifying”.
 
Prairie_Rose said:
Does he maybe think that sexual intimacy while you’re currently pregnant could somehow harm the baby???
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When I was “with child” my husband became increasingly “withdrawn.” I finally got him to open up about what was wrong. As PR suggested, he was afraid of hurting the child. His exact words were, “I feel as if I’m poking him in the head.”
Armor_of_Light said:
4 kids already…He’s probably just tired.
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Or tired of having kids. Yes, I’m sure he’s aware that he can’t make the OP any more pregnant than she already is, but maybe it’s an irrational fear of some kind. Perhaps he has drawn the line at five, and controlling his “fleshy lusts” is his way of buying time before having to make some hard decisions.
 
In catholic marriage, a mortification of the flesh, that is decided unilaterally, does not have bad effects on the conjugal sexual life: a personal mortification without exterior effects. Otherwise, the spouse has to stop this mortification of the flesh.

ONLY, THE BILATERAL MORTIFICATION IS MORALLY OKAY, but when one of spouses wants to stop, the other has to stop too.

**THE UNILATRAL MORTIFICATION WITH EXTRIOR EFFECTS ON CONJUGAL SEX IS NOT MORAL: IT IS A FALSE DEVOTION, IT IS VERY WRONG.
**
 
Thanks everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. My first question I believe has been answered and this is not a Catholic teaching I was unaware of. I guess my next step is to use your ideas to figure out what is going on.
To answer some of the questions, no this problem did not occur in previous pregnancies, as a matter of fact we always believed this to be healthy especially toward the end. This has been a healthy pregnancy except for the normal wear and tear on mama, and early depression that I was able to get over.
I guess I wasn’t clear on one thing. If I am the initiator than my husband will respond, but he never expresses any interest in me. This is hurtful, and makes me feel undesirable…which I have told him about (hence the “you’re beautiful” comments he makes). That is why I don’t believe it is a physical issue.
I wonder if those of you who have suggested self mortification aren’t on to something. That fits my husband’s personality. He reads alot about the saints and he admires them deeply. It is quite possible that he feels like this is the right thing to do, although I don’t.
At any rate, I hope to solve our mystery, it is very confusing and quite honestly stressful. His inability to express what he is thinking makes it that much more worse.
 
Sewandcook said:
I am very confused, beginning to feel very hurt, and hopeless.
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I am sorry you feel this way, you shouldn’t 😦 But you do have to be patient and understand that love is not just feelings, but also an act of will. Patience and love are important here. Remember the words of Paul in 1 Cor 13:4-8:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
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This has to be reciprocal. Christ told us to love one another as He loved us. He loved us with agape love, unconditional self-giving love that never expect anything in return.

Now, that being said, from a Christian standpoint - regardless of whether a Christian is in the Catholic Church or in a protestant community - the following scripture is very clear:
The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
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Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you
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Perhaps you may discuss this passage of the Scriptures (1 Corinthians 7:5) with him. Talking is very important. Essential, even. I would not even dare to think of any bad things at this point, that’s a horrible temptation that comes straight from the father of all lies. There are a million good reasons why this could be happening.

Trust in God and don’t worry at all! The past belongs to His mercy, the future belongs to His providence 😉
 
This is the 5th pregnancy. How has he acted during the previous 4? I assume by now he knows that sex is morally and medically (unless advised otherwise) fine during pregnancy.

Perhaps he is stressed at having 5 children. Perhaps he is worried about using NFP after this birth and the chances of 6th, 7th, etc. Perhaps his faith is difficult for him right now because of these concerns. It may be hard for him to open up about such concerns, since a “good father” and “good Catholic” should not feel this way. Of course, these are just some posibilities.

He needs to communicate with you. I’m not sure how you go about encouraging that, other than to make it clear to him that he needs to do so.
 
It sounds like he might be making the mistake of not realizing that his attempt at self-sacrifice is turning into a matter of forcing you to sacrifice as well. I think you need to talk to him and make sure he realizes that it is important for you not just that you have relations, but that he initiate them. This is something which affects your emotions and well-being and by trying to make a self-sacrifice he is ending up sacrificing your emotional well-being. I think you need to explain that this is something that will not change, it doesn’t matter how much he tells you you are beautiful, you will feel emotionally unsatisfied, undesired, and rejected if he doesnt follow it up with action ie intiate. It is one thing to make personal sacrifices, but it is wrong to make others sacrifice against their will. Maybe putting it to him that way would help him understand better? I think part of the problem is that he thinks he is doing a good thing by making a sacrifice, but what he doesn’t realize is that this is a sacrifice which he is not entitled to make if you do not like it because it is a sacrifice that effects not only himself but also you.

Maybe you could help him come up with something else he could sacrifice instead? Maybe even sacrificing his desire to make some physical sacrifice for the sake of pleasing his spouse?
 
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