Catholic Marriage?

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laurava

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Hello All! New and jumping in with a question!

I was not married in the church, but four years into marriage my husband was wencomed into the Catholic Church and our boys were baptized. My husband doesn’t understand why we need to get our marriage recognized. He’s been very resistant. He’s now saying, after many months, he’d do it to make me happy, but it’s upsetting he doesn’t have a good attitude about it.

WWYD?
 
What does he say when you ask him to “do this for me.” Is he normally resistant to doing nice things for you?
 
Xantippe said:
What does he say when you ask him to “do this for me.” Is he normally resistant to doing nice things for you?
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He’s not usually resistent. He just says he doesn’t think it is necessary to get our marriage recognized.
 
laurava said:
He’s not usually resistent. He just says he doesn’t think it is necessary to get our marriage recognized.
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Your marriage vow or promise is not about just you and your spouse.

I believe it is necessary to get your marriage recognized by the Church because your marriage is not just between you and your husband. Your marriage is between you, your spouse and God because God created marriage. Your marriage also effects your children if any and your other family members and also your community that you live.

So if we measure what we think marriage is and should be by our own standards and not God’s standard…then we certainly fall short of what our expectations should be.

When we measure by our own standards we take something that is God created and sacred and turn it into something that is man-made. When we include God in our marriage, I believe those are the marriages that last until death do us part.

Peace to you.
 
So you were Catholic, but your husband was not Catholic until four years ago?

Normally, a parish would ask that this all be straightened out before your husband became Catholic. Did no one bring that up at that time?

That’s all water under the bridge at this point, though. I would recommend talking to your priest about it.
 
laurava said:
Hello All! New and jumping in with a question!

I was not married in the church, but four years into marriage my husband was wencomed into the Catholic Church and our boys were baptized. My husband doesn’t understand why we need to get our marriage recognized. He’s been very resistant. He’s now saying, after many months, he’d do it to make me happy, but it’s upsetting he doesn’t have a good attitude about it.

WWYD?
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I think I’d take that. If he’ll do it to make you happy, that’s good enough.

Don’t worry about “attitude” unless he’s actively grumbling and foot dragging.

Maybe ask for this as a Christmas or anniversary gift? And then don’t pout if that’s all you get?
 
Also, maybe plan some sort of lunch or dinner and/or activity that your husband would particularly enjoy for that day? Give him something to look forward to.
 
Suejane said:
Hi,

Does anyone know when canon law 1124-25 was introduced…:confused:
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Mixed marriage needing a dispensation from the bishop? That has been the case for centuries.
Can. 1124 Without express permission of the competent authority, a marriage is prohibited between two baptized persons of whom one is baptized in the Catholic Church or received into it after baptism and has not defected from it by a formal act and the other of whom is enrolled in a Church or ecclesial community not in full communion with the Catholic Church.
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Can. 1125 The local ordinary can grant a permission of this kind if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:
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1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;
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2/ the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;
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3/ both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage which neither of the contracting parties is to exclude.
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laurava said:
He’s not usually resistent. He just says he doesn’t think it is necessary to get our marriage recognized.
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The thing, though, is that this isn’t just “getting your marriage recognized [by the Church]”. It’s really about making your marriage a sacrament! If I understand you correctly, at the time of your wedding, you were Catholic and your husband was not. (Was he a baptized Christian at the time?) So, therefore, your marriage is not sacramental. In the same way that we as Catholics see the importance of the sacraments in our lives – the Eucharist, Reconciliation, Baptism – your whole marriage can become a Sacrament! That’s the reason to do it … not to “get recognized”!!!

So, the question isn’t “honey, can we get the Church to recognize our marriage”, but rather, “honey, can we make our awesome marriage a sacrament?!?”…! 😉

(One caveat: I’m assuming that you both are free to marry in the Church: is this the first marriage for each of you? Or were either of you married previously? That might have some impact on the situation…)
 
Your question is confusing. Were you Catholic at the time of your marriage? If you were, did you have a dispensation from your bishop to marry outside the Chuch? If not, does your husband understand that the Church does not consider you married at all, that the Church considers you to be ‘living in sin’?

I’m surprised that this was not dealt with at the time he converted, normally the Church would expect him to regularize his marriage situation before or at the the time of his baptism or reception into full communion.

On the other hand, if neither of you was Catholic at the time of your wedding then you are validly married and there is nothing more to be done.
 
Many questions…

I was not a practicing Catholic at the time of my marriage. This was my first marriage. My husband was also not married before.

My husband’s welcoming into the church was under usual circumstances (cancer diagnosis) so we were granted special circumstances. I’m not sure why the priests didn’t recommend this one year ago when he was welcomed.

I do understand the sacramental aspects of marriage and that is why I am pressing for it. My question is more about whether or not I should “submit” to my husband, so to speak, and follow his wishes, or do what I think I should do.

He still has some Protestant tendencies.
 
laurava said:
Many questions…

I was not a practicing Catholic at the time of my marriage.

My husband’s welcoming into the church was under usual circumstances (cancer diagnosis) so we were granted special circumstances. I’m not sure why the priests didn’t recommend this one year ago when he was welcomed.

I do understand the sacramental aspects of marriage and that is why I am pressing for it. My question is more about whether or not I should “submit” to my husband, so to speak, and follow his wishes, or do what I think I should do.

He still has some Protestant tendencies.
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If he’s already agreed to it, don’t keep pounding on an open door.

Take yes for an answer.
 
laurava said:
Many questions…

I was not a practicing Catholic at the time of my marriage.

My husband’s welcoming into the church was under usual circumstances (cancer diagnosis) so we were granted special circumstances. I’m not sure why the priests didn’t recommend this one year ago when he was welcomed.

I do understand the sacramental aspects of marriage and that is why I am pressing for it. My question is more about whether or not I should “submit” to my husband, so to speak, and follow his wishes, or do what I think I should do.

He still has some Protestant tendencies.
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Whether you were practicing or not, if you were Catholic at the time of your marriage it means your marriage is not valid and needs to be convalidated ASAP.

Convalidation can happen in one of two ways: **
a) simple convalidation** where the couple exchange consent in front of 2 witnesses and priest or deacon (a Church wedding) which can be done in a short 10 minute ceremony at any time (with only the necessary 5 people present) or made into a family event with a Nuptial Mass and the works, or
b) radical sanation which is a paperwork process which can be done without the consent or even knowledge of one of the parties.

Simple convalidation is always the preferred step but a radical sanation can be used when one of the parties does not want to have a new exchange of consent, for whatever reason.
 
laurava said:
Many questions…

I was not a practicing Catholic at the time of my marriage. This was my first marriage. My husband was also not married before.

My husband’s welcoming into the church was under usual circumstances (cancer diagnosis) so we were granted special circumstances. I’m not sure why the priests didn’t recommend this one year ago when he was welcomed.

I do understand the sacramental aspects of marriage and that is why I am pressing for it. My question is more about whether or not I should “submit” to my husband, so to speak, and follow his wishes, or do what I think I should do.

He still has some Protestant tendencies.
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Ah, that helps explain why the priest may have overlooked this.

I’m inclined to agree with Xantippe. Your husband did say he would do it (even if somewhat begrudgingly). Do you have reason to believe that moving forward with it will cause undue tension between the two of you?
 
Phemie said:
Whether you were practicing or not, if you were Catholic at the time of your marriage it means your marriage is not valid and needs to be convalidated ASAP.

Convalidation can happen in one of two ways: **
a) simple convalidation** where the couple exchange consent in front of 2 witnesses and priest or deacon (a Church wedding) which can be done in a short 10 minute ceremony at any time (with only the necessary 5 people present) or made into a family event with a Nuptial Mass and the works, or
b) radical sanation which is a paperwork process which can be done without the consent or even knowledge of one of the parties.

Simple convalidation is always the preferred step but a radical sanation can be used when one of the parties does not want to have a new exchange of consent, for whatever reason.
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Thanks for your response, but it would have been helpful to listen to the question, which is dealing with a husband who has reservations. I would never do something like the without my husband’s consent.
 
I dont think this is the forum for me. Most responses don’t show much compassion
Very rule orientated.
 
laurava said:
Thanks for your response, but it would have been helpful to listen to the question, which is dealing with a husband who has reservations. I would never do something like the without my husband’s consent.
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I’m sorry, but you asked what we would do. Then later you asked if you should listen to him or do what you know is right. The way I saw it, I was giving you a possibility of doing what you know is right without involving him, thereby making your marriage valid and ergo, sacramental. That’s what I would do.
 
laurava said:
I dont think this is the forum for me. Most responses don’t show much compassion
Very rule orientated.
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I’m sorry you feel that way. 😦

Oftentimes, people that come here are not familiar with what the “rules” are, and so we can tend towards trying to demystify them so that people know what their options are. That is us trying to be compassionate, even if it doesn’t come across that way all the time. 😊 We’re not perfect. :o

When you asked “What would you do?”, most of us here would want to do all that is necessary to get our marriage in right with God and the Church. That’s why we responded as we did.

If you’re only asking about how to handle your husband’s reservations, that’s a much more difficult question for us to answer not knowing you or your husband.

If it were me, I would try to educate myself as much as possible on what the Church required of me and my spouse in order to regularize our marriage and why those actions were necessary. If you are educated yourself on these things, you will be in a better position to explain those things to your husband in a way that may put his mind at ease.

Having him talk to the priest is probably a good idea, too. They’re trained in explaining these things in a much more compassionate way than us anonymous internet posters. 😉

I can understand why people have reservations on these matters. In their mind, they are already married and they don’t need anyone else to tell them differently. But there is a bit more to it than that.

God bless!
 
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