Catholic married men

[Pomme]

I was interrupted-
My point is women have as many temptations against the marital vows,even though somewhat different and especially when they don’t take the pill and their sex drive is intact.(Contraception is a mortal sin against marriage).They are as secretive about it as their husbands,and maybe men enjoy to think women can’t possibly have temptations outside marriage?But it isn’t true.Especially in marriages where the man is selfish and not so good at pleasing the wife-sexually or emotionally,or both.
I don’t mind temptations:I mind the lost battles,they really are a betrayal.
I know it’s against God before against me and that drives me nuts,just the thought of my husband in Hell.We don’t know when we’ll die,could be before the next confession.
I am lucky my husband is quite a good lover and meets my need emotionally(except since I found out,I have a very hard time feeling safe emotionally).So that heps with temptations,definitely.Or helped-now that I feel betrayed and unsafe it is definitely harder.
But I am still as scared of Hell and making my marriage worse and also loosing the love between us.
This is to give you an honest insight on wives.
Also,what would a man say, who RESERVE ALL his sexuality to his wife,if he found out she looks at porn and masturbates when he is working late or something(for the family)?

 

[Pomme]

I meant interrupted by the kids-not by you,whm!

 

[whm]

Also,what would a man say, who RESERVE ALL his sexuality to his wife,if he found out she looks at porn and masturbates when he is working late or something(for the family)?

I can’t answer unless it happened, I simple could not ever imagine that scenario occurring. My wife and I haven’t had relations for the entire decade of our 30’s(for what eventually found out to be medical/psychological related issues and our marriage it great!). So I would guess I would be pretty upset (especially with the insight I have learned from this thread)

 

[Pomme]

Interesting, knowing my wife felt that way about another man, would really bother me on a emotional level. That is more than just seeking sexual pleasure, it is rejection of the spouse and wishing one they were married to somebody else. Perhaps that is why women are so hurt by men looking at porn, because they view it as not only getting pleasure from another woman but as the man wanting to replace them with the woman in the pictures, that the man wants to be in love with that other person.

Very insightful, thanks.

Yes it is bothering to think that your spouse wants to look at somebody to feel and enjoy the attraction,whether you are a man or woman.If I was looking at men to whom I feel attracted,or looking at some kind of porn that would satisfy the subconscious desire of perfect sex with a perfect man,then my husband-I know he told me-would feel jealous and sad.My husband is not anymore in denial thank Goodness and knows very well how bad it was to do that.But now it became a vice-or addiction,which is a punishment in itself.We are doing everything we can to get rid of it-it is too sad…
Funny I am thinking of something:when you are a man you are told to look at the eyes of a woman you are attracted to when you have to talk to her-so you avoid looking at other parts…When you are a woman,the body language and the eyes of a man are a lot of the attraction:when you have to talk to the person where do you look?The ear? Well I just kinda look away,but I was thinking of that,how it’s not that easy for women either…

 

[Pomme]

I can’t answer unless it happened, I simple could not ever imagine that scenario occurring. My wife and I haven’t had relations for the entire decade of our 30’s(for what eventually found out to be medical/psychological related issues and our marriage it great!). So I would guess I would be pretty upset (especially with the insight I have learned from this thread)

I am sorry you had such a cross to bear…Well I have a big cross too now,glad to hear your marriage is great,I wish mine can become beautiful too.I had great expectations about faithfulness and love and they kept me faithful,now I have to be faithful and loving through that cross it is very hard .

 

[whm]

Funny I am thinking of something:when you are a man you are told to look at the eyes of a woman you are attracted to when you have to talk to her-so you avoid looking at other parts…When you are a woman,the body language and the eyes of a man are a lot of the attraction:when you have to talk to the person where do you look?The ear? Well I just kinda look away,but I was thinking of that,how it’s not that easy for women either…

That reminds me of the story of the fall in Genesis.

 

[moon1234]

I am sorry you had such a cross to bear…Well I have a big cross too now,glad to hear your marriage is great,I wish mine can become beautiful too.I had great expectations about faithfulness and love and they kept me faithful,now I have to be faithful and loving through that cross it is very hard .

As a man I think you should be relieved to know he did not cheat with another woman. I know pictures are bad, etc., but he does love you enough not to go looking for comfort in the arms of another woman.

Look at porn/masturbation as any other vice. It is something that is a failing of human nature. Try not to make too big of a stink about it with your husband. He knows he should not be doing it, adding a few extra lumps doesn’t help.

I have done it in the past and my wife knows. She never yelled at me or said she was hurt, I know I asked. She just wanted to know why. I told her I was frustrated I could not have sex with her because she did not want to. She just said she will accomidate my needs and sometime she is just tired and is not motivated, but if I have an urge and it is going to lead to doing something wrong, then she will make herself available. Well that sort of made me feel like an ***. It also stuck in my mind and for the most part she had made good on it.

My main point is that if he is not cheating with another women, then he loves you and needs support to help stop this. If he knows you are carrying some long term grudge about it, it will come back to hurt him.

 

[King_Lazy]

My main point is that if he is not cheating with another women, then he loves you and needs support to help stop this. If he knows you are carrying some long term grudge about it, it will come back to hurt him.

That’s true. Even if he is currently a slave to this vice, he still loves his wife. He is almost certainly not fantasising about actually being in a relationship with any other woman, dreaming about other women when he goes to sleep or thinking of ever being physically unfaithful to his wife. For men, pornography is extremely shallow, and the degree of emotional betrayal and damage to commitment involved is generally quite limited. However, pornography is cumulatively and (although to an extent reversibly) damaging to them spiritually and psychologically, and in a very serious way, much like cigarette smoking is damaging physically in a similar way.

And much like smoking, it can become an addiction. Similarly too, an ultimatum of “you wouldn’t smoke if you loved me” typically isn’t effective in fighting an addiction, and despite the fact that a man or woman may love their spouse, they may still succumb to it.

As for pornography, I agree with you that he needs to be supported and should know that he is loved unconditionally, because a feeling of rejection by his wife would make it harder for him to stop, as indulging in the addiction in a sense mitigates the rejection he might feel.

 

[Pomme]

Yes he knows I love him unconditionally,I don’t feel he does of course under the circumstances,but it was a big shock to me and I am experiencing grief-that’s what the counselor says.I am grieving the marriage I thought and hoped we had and I love him as he is but I am deeply hurt and discouraged one day-happy and hopeful the next and so on.Apparently this is normal and depending on people it can go on for a few months.
+my husband is working in showing me that he loves me also unconditionally,through my tears and extremely low self-esteem since I know what he was up to.It is a huge blow for both of us,it’s not a question of not forgiving:who am I to not forgive anyway if God forgives?It’s just like if you loose a leg ,and you are learning to walk with a prosthesis:you really grieve your real leg…
It is not bad to let your spouse see how hurt you are,in fact it is recommended by addiction specialists,we need to be completely honest to each other:this is going to be our strength.But of course I shouldn’t try to hurt him and I don’t really want to, I’m too sAd for that…

 

[King_Lazy]

Pomme, I think you’re doing everything you can. It is your husband’s problem and there’s only so much you can do. The rest is up to him and God. If he’s genuinely trying, then with God’s grace he will overcome the problem, though we don’t know the time frame and it might be longer than you’d like. As he struggles, try not to let this get at your self-esteem. I assure you that this is not a failing on your part, but it is a failing on his part.

You are a faithful child of God made in His image, and nothing can take that dignity away from you. Your husband is not perfect, and everyone has let someone else down in their lives in some way, but his individual struggle doesn’t take away from the many good things about him. While he works out this problem, maybe both of you can work on other aspects of your lives together so that when he finally overcomes it, your marriage will be even better than it was before.

 

[Pomme]

Yes I hope it’s going to be even better-today …Some other day I feel I’ll be only even more disappointed in 10 years time,and that’s not fun.
Also I am still grieving the Christian marriage as I believed in,so I am tempted to think my dad must have done it ,my uncles etc…and this is very painful.Trying not to of course but I feel like all the “good” people are living a lie-and telling a lie when they teach it’s possible to have a v faithful Catholic marriage(and that it is even normal).
Call me naive but I am not:I know very well about temptations I am not denying them ,I just thought it was possible and normal to try avoid them and to not fall with the grace of God-and a spouse you don’t want to hurt.
Anyway thank you all for your answers-I’ll really try to think positively this is the best I can do.

 

[Pomme]

In men, physical attractiveness by default makes a woman sexually attractive, and psychology and personality and other factors may either reinforce the attractiveness or ruin it completely and make a woman unattractive, despite her physical beauty. But if nothing else is known about a woman apart from her looks, then the other factors are assumed and physical beauty alone is what determines her sexual attractiveness.

That is what’s hard when you know your husband is so attracted to these women that he cannot stop looking at them-and getting pleasure from doing so.
“th other factors are assumed and physical beauty alone is what determines her sexual attractiveness”.If he cannot help it it is even worse -it’s like really I am not deserving that same attraction.
Oh well…

 

[1inICXC]

Yes I hope it’s going to be even better-today …Some other day I feel I’ll be only even more disappointed in 10 years time,and that’s not fun.
Also I am still grieving the Christian marriage as I believed in,so I am tempted to think my dad must have done it ,my uncles etc…and this is very painful.Trying not to of course but I feel like all the “good” people are living a lie-and telling a lie when they teach it’s possible to have a v faithful Catholic marriage(and that it is even normal).
Call me naive but I am not:I know very well about temptations I am not denying them ,I just thought it was possible and normal to try avoid them and to not fall with the grace of God-and a spouse you don’t want to hurt.
Anyway thank you all for your answers-I’ll really try to think positively this is the best I can do.

I can sympathise and relate with so much of what your saying and I especially second the part about women’s temptations in infidelity as well! Every time I use the argument with a man about:" what if it were your wife" he gets this dismisive, ignorant " women don’t do that/ arent into that" reply!

I can bet almost every woman has at least created an emotional attachment to a “better” man at somepoint or another in her marriage. We fight it, we don’t talk about it and you won’t find his pictures or messages on our comouters as we don’t entertain the fantasy but we are ALL tempted to believe that there is someone out there (or maybe, many men) who would love, admire and appreciate us more than our spouses.

An OP said something about him not fiding comfort in another woman’s arms. Comfort for what?!?! He has an exemplary wife and dedicated mother who never even “burdened” the marriage with the basic necessities of NFP. His work is hard?? Really? Compared to bearing and raising 7 children?

Men’s main characteristic is strength- of character, not just physical- it’s no wonder this is where most fail, as this is where they are most attaked. It is devastating for a family when the husband and father loses or compromises that which should be his foundation!

Pomme, do not lose hope, your martiage can be wonderful again, the second your husband decides to be a strong man of God and uphold the dignity and integrity of his manhood and vocation! Some of us wish we had that on the day we got married but then realize it’s actually a work in progress, and that’s ok. Let us jot be disheartened, and certainly let us not regret that we didn’t fall as badly!

P.s. While it’s sad that an overwhelming majority of men, right here on CAF, still have an ongoing problem with porn, I also found it somewhat encouraging that 26%of those who had a problem claim they have ended it and never relapsed! ( and my poll excluded men who NEVER watched porn, so the result could’ve been slightly more positive)

 

[Pomme]

Thanks.
We did NFP at times:it works ok when you have your cycles back,but definetely not(for me) while breastfeeding:that’s when we figured out we need to abstain(with the last babies)…
Tough decisions especially given the circumstances…But porn has been a problem since a week or 2 after getting married-so it doesn’t seem to be linked to the amount ofsex anyway.
!!!

 

[L_piperatus]

Pomme, sorry to hear about the difficulties you are facing. Not being a married man myself, I don’t know first-hand the difficulty of abstinence within marriage, but I know a number of men, both married and single, who do not watch porn. Sadly, I have also known people (both men and women) who, being forced to abstinence by their spouses’ health problems (their spouses having become wheelchair-bound and paraplegic) didn’t simply resort to porn, they took lovers and committed adultery. Yet, I also knew a man whose wife was paraplegic for some 30 years, and he stayed faithful to her.

Living a pure life may not be easy, but it is possible for everybody, and it starts with guarding our eyes, guarding our minds and thoughts, and occupying ourselves with good and wholesome activities such as prayer, reliance on God, volunteer work/helping others in our spare time, thinking about the saints’ lives and examples, and of course attending Holy Mass and partaking in the Eucharist. The human mind is like a reservoir that doesn’t stay empty, it tends to fill up with various thoughts, concerns, and activities. Once we get busy and fill our minds, our spare time with positive things, and pay attention to nip temptations in the bud, staying on the right track and growing in holiness are possible.

For males, staying pure will not come automatically, it will require work and there will be moments of struggle. Some of the greatest male saints whose life stories have been documented and we know that they struggled for purity include St. Jerome who first translated the Bible into Latin, St. Augustine one of the greatest theologians of the early Church, St. Benedict the founder of organized monastic life, St. Thomas Aquinas another great theologian and Doctor of the Church, and St. Anthony of Padua the miracle worker and mystic who also had the honor of holding the child Jesus in his arms.

St. Augustine became a saint after having lived an immoral life in his youth. Others like St. Anthony of Padua may have never fallen, but we know that he was in the habit of praying three Hail Marys for purity. We know that St. Benedict threw himself into a thorny bush when he suffered temptation. We also know that St. Thomas Aquinas suffered strong temptations, until at a certain time point when he had a vision of two angels appearing and girding him with a belt. After this vision, the saint’s temptations disappeared and never returned again.

I could also relate stories about female saints who were models of purity, or even re-conquered purity after an immoral past. According to what I know, women are more typically tempted in the area of modesty, and female saints have been known for their special preoccupation for dressing modestly.

 

[Bklynguy]

Dennis Prager on men and the power of the visual–male/female differences:

youtu.be/U8W9gv9CIAM

Now, this is not an excuse, nor is it permission to feel comfortable in one’s sin. However, it does provide some context on the real spiritual battle that needs to be waged by men.

 

[Pomme]

Yes staying pure and faithful requires work but I thought men and women were equally required to stay pure and faithful in a marriage.I do watch the modesty part for that reason-but I have to say I am more tempted than ever to buy sexy clothes to please my husband,so he finds me the most attractive:I want to say who cares about the men around me if they go watch porn anyway at least I can be attractive to my husband.I won’t because of my children too but really I want to look like the women he likes.

Otherwise I watched the video and I understand it ,in fact I like it if it stays in the marriage ,and if my husband not only guards his eyes for me but doesn’t go out of his way to seek pleasure (hide to watch porn).

That video though only talk about how men are visually attracted,not at all about how women are visually attracted:yes you will not see men’s thights on advert,but women are turned on definitely(I am not the only one!!) by(in order of importance to me) broad shoulders,intelligent eyes,a square jaw,a good size(like-tall),a great waist and seducing body-language(I don’t know but I bet you find that in porn)…Once you see the person for a few minutes you can also get turned on by charisma.

When I say turned on it’s that racing of the heart and some wave through the body,which doesn’t go further when you are in the habit of filling your mind with something else(like the thought of your husband),and looking away…After years of practice it even becomes a bit of a nuisance and if you have a good sense of humor you can even find it amusing that you still have to look away like that after having 7 kids…

My husband didn’t find it amusing just the thought of me having temptations-which I never told him before because that’s cruel.But since we need to be honest now and I don’t feel that safe with him(and thats dangerous for a woman),I needed to.Also he knows he is not horrible for having temptations we are all the same.We do not make the same choices though with the temptations .
I think I am being punished for my own sins of impurity as a young girl actually.I take it as purgatory.

Getting excited and aroused is also one of the most agreeable thing for a woman,I am under the impression that it is expected that the wife should be more faithful than the husband -although in the marriage mass there is a special request made to the wives to be faithful to their husband…

 

[Bklynguy]

Yes staying pure and faithful requires work but I thought men and women were equally required to stay pure and faithful in a marriage.I do watch the modesty part for that reason-but I have to say I am more tempted than ever to buy sexy clothes to please my husband,so he finds me the most attractive:I want to say who cares about the men around me if they go watch porn anyway at least I can be attractive to my husband.I won’t because of my children too but really I want to look like the women he likes.

Otherwise I watched the video and I understand it ,in fact I like it if it stays in the marriage ,and if my husband not only guards his eyes for me but doesn’t go out of his way to seek pleasure (hide to watch porn).

That video though only talk about how men are visually attracted,not at all about how women are visually attracted:yes you will not see men’s thights on advert,but women are turned on definitely(I am not the only one!!) by(in order of importance to me) broad shoulders,intelligent eyes,a square jaw,a good size(like-tall),a great waist and seducing body-language(I don’t know but I bet you find that in porn)…Once you see the person for a few minutes you can also get turned on by charisma.

When I say turned on it’s that racing of the heart and some wave through the body,which doesn’t go further when you are in the habit of filling your mind with something else(like the thought of your husband),and looking away…After years of practice it even becomes a bit of a nuisance and if you have a good sense of humor you can even find it amusing that you still have to look away like that after having 7 kids…

My husband didn’t find it amusing just the thought of me having temptations-which I never told him before because that’s cruel.But since we need to be honest now and I don’t feel that safe with him(and thats dangerous for a woman),I needed to.Also he knows he is not horrible for having temptations we are all the same.We do not make the same choices though with the temptations .
I think I am being punished for my own sins of impurity as a young girl actually.I take it as purgatory.

Getting excited and aroused is also one of the most agreeable thing for a woman,I am under the impression that it is expected that the wife should be more faithful than the husband -although in the marriage mass there is a special request made to the wives to be faithful to their husband…

Good post. God Bless you for remaining monogomous despite your temptations. Sounds like you are doing everything right to me.

 

[L_piperatus]

Yes staying pure and faithful requires work but I thought men and women were equally required to stay pure and faithful in a marriage.

I am under the impression that it is expected that the wife should be more faithful than the husband

I think the Catholic Church does expect both men and women to do their share, staying pure. In the New Testament, Jesus singles out men, telling them to guard their eyes and avoid the temptation to lust (Matthew 5: 27-28):

27
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’

28
But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

 

[Pomme]

Those quotes above actually make me feel better:it means if Jesus wants it that way,he would not make it impossible.

And about that:"
Good post. God Bless you for remaining monogomous despite your temptations":

You know it is not that hard since my husband meets all my criterias ;-)) ,and also when you train yourself to redirect your thoughts to your husband you end up having so much less temptations anyway…It’s like as soon as you feel an attraction it becomes so quickly/automatically suppressed that you don’t have to fight that hard.It’s like when I clean my house a bit everyday it is not as hard as if I do it one a month!

Also a priest told me that if you watch bad things,the pictures will come back in times of trial and temptations,and make the temptation much harder …
Well I guess if I don’t watch porn or entertain bad thoughts the temptations are not as hard to resist.They are there ,but not as hard.

Basically:the more you watch yourself and avoid temptations,the more you can resist when they come anyway.The more faithful you are,the easier it is to stay faithful in temptations.
And unfortunately,the opposite is totally true too:if you watch porn or look at that man or woman again when you shouldn’t,no wonder why you find it so hard to be faithful (in thoughts -like going back to porn again or entertaining unfaithful thoughts,or in actions-like
masturbating to porn or not,or going to another person)…

If you put yourself in the habit of sinning,you will have a harder time.If you put yourself in the habit of not sinning,it will be easier,it is true and simple.And faithfulness is easier when you love the person-it is supposed to help.
God bless!