Catholic Meeting/Singles websites

[valient_Lucy]

If I remember correctly, the quote comes from Benjamin Franklin. That’s why I don’t like the quote very much, because to me, it stems from Deism, and I have a strong tendency towards Deism myself, always have.

I should probably explain what I mean by a tendency of Deism. I have a tendency to believe that Deism is right about God, that He created the world and then left us on our own. It’s my bitter, cynical side. It’s a battle to convince myself that this is not true.

I have to admit, sometimes I wonder if everything we have, and everything we ever accomplish, is not because of the things that God does for us, but in spite of the things that God does to us.

 

[rpp]

Norseman82;2432146:

It doesn’t have to be in the Bible…

There’s an old saying: “Work as if everything depended on you, pray as if everything depended on God”. You need to cover both bases, otherwise it could just be a cover for our own laziness.

As the Quigley motto goes: “Ora et labora”.

Agreed.

If I remember correctly, the quote comes from Benjamin Franklin. That’s why I don’t like the quote very much, because to me, it stems from Deism, and I have a strong tendency towards Deism myself, always have.

I should probably explain what I mean by a tendency of Deism. I have a tendency to believe that Deism is right about God, that He created the world and then left us on our own. It’s my bitter, cynical side. It’s a battle to convince myself that this is not true.

Actually, it was St. Augustine of Hippo, a Doctor of the Church, who said it in his work City of God.

 

[sacredcello]

The work, then, of seeking God’s will, in regard to Catholic internet dating is??? Writing to as many people as possible???

Any of you married folk out there want to share your experience in regard to how many dates/internet chats you had before meeting your spouse?

Personally, I am only able to dialogue with one person at a time. I just can’t go on a date, can’t talk to anyone else on the internet when there is one person with whom I am already conversing. But, perhaps this is putting too much pressure on the other person (even if they don’t know that I’m not dating others); they probably sense my eagerness from my quick replies. Thus, I am still single.

Perhaps I should just take the “whatever” approach and email like 100 people on Ave Maria Singles and just see what happens. The thought makes me nauseous, but perhaps this is “the work” of seeking God’s will.

 

[dulcissima]

The work, then, of seeking God’s will, in regard to Catholic internet dating is??? Writing to as many people as possible???

Any of you married folk out there want to share your experience in regard to how many dates/internet chats you had before meeting your spouse?

Personally, I am only able to dialogue with one person at a time. I just can’t go on a date, can’t talk to anyone else on the internet when there is one person with whom I am already conversing. But, perhaps this is putting too much pressure on the other person (even if they don’t know that I’m not dating others); they probably sense my eagerness from my quick replies. Thus, I am still single.

Perhaps I should just take the “whatever” approach and email like 100 people on Ave Maria Singles and just see what happens. The thought makes me nauseous, but perhaps this is “the work” of seeking God’s will.

Just letting you know that you are not alone. I think it has to do with being a woman. We don’t want to be out there getting to know a “bunch” of other people. I mean if I am opening myself up to one person, getting to know them, and letting them know me for who I really am, there is no way I can just go out there and go through that same routine with others.

I think that we do have to understand though that men are different than we are. If you are at the point that you are looking for someone that you would like to marry, you have to understand that is a life long commitment. Wouldn’t you rather have some one interested in you, because of who you are as a person, not just because they feel like there are no other options and you’ll do?

I think the best thing to do is to just relax a little bit, and if it is meant to be, well…eventually it will become obvious to him too.

Actually, it is a good sign if he is not in a rush. I know though when you can see the potential there it can be hard to be patient. Just hang in there, but at the same time stay open to what might come your way.

 

[sacredcello]

Ah, patience!

Thanks for the wise suggestion.

Nice screen name, by the way! Very sweet.

Just letting you know that you are not alone. I think it has to do with being a woman. We don’t want to be out there getting to know a “bunch” of other people. I mean if I am opening myself up to one person, getting to know them, and letting them know me for who I really am, there is no way I can just go out there and go through that same routine with others.

I think that we do have to understand though that men are different than we are. If you are at the point that you are looking for someone that you would like to marry, you have to understand that is a life long commitment. Wouldn’t you rather have some one interested in you, because of who you are as a person, not just because they feel like there are no other options and you’ll do?

I think the best thing to do is to just relax a little bit, and if it is meant to be, well…eventually it will become obvious to him too.

Actually, it is a good sign if he is not in a rush. I know though when you can see the potential there it can be hard to be patient. Just hang in there, but at the same time stay open to what might come your way.

 

[rpp]

The work, then, of seeking God’s will, in regard to Catholic internet dating is??? Writing to as many people as possible???

Any of you married folk out there want to share your experience in regard to how many dates/internet chats you had before meeting your spouse?

Personally, I am only able to dialogue with one person at a time. I just can’t go on a date, can’t talk to anyone else on the internet when there is one person with whom I am already conversing. But, perhaps this is putting too much pressure on the other person (even if they don’t know that I’m not dating others); they probably sense my eagerness from my quick replies. Thus, I am still single.

Perhaps I should just take the “whatever” approach and email like 100 people on Ave Maria Singles and just see what happens. The thought makes me nauseous, but perhaps this is “the work” of seeking God’s will.

I cannot deal with more than one person at a time either. And I am a man.

I have met and chatted with many women, but honestly, I can only do it one person at a time. Who is the right one? Only God knows which is why prayer is so important.

However, it is just as important to figure out who the wrong person is. Sometimes you can tell just from email. Other times a couple of phone calls. For a few, you have to meet them. And for a a very few, you have to know them a while.

For my part, I encourage women (men too) to take a “one-strike and you’re out” approach at first. Do not ignore any red flags. Do not be afraid to hang up the phone on the guy or add his email to your spam list. As time goes on and you get to know each other better use your good judgment. And do not ever be afraid to ask the opinions of your friends or family. And if people warn you, listen!

No offence is intended, but in general women are much more susceptible to a smooth talking man, someone who says what they want to hear. Men have really developed this skill know how to use this to get a woman to drop lower he guard - and her chastity.

Another generalization is that men tend to be more simple and predictable; they will fall for a woman who is quick to lift her skirt.

Okay, now that I have insulted both genders and 100% of those reading this, it is time stop.

 

[paterpetri]

Yes, I would post a profile and a photo. In fact, that’s how I met my wife. We met via Ave Maria Singles over 4 years and 2 children ago (our second son together is due this month)!

 

[Fidelia]

I cannot deal with more than one person at a time either. And I am a man.

I have met and chatted with many women, but honestly, I can only do it one person at a time. Who is the right one? Only God knows which is why prayer is so important.

However, it is just as important to figure out who the wrong person is. Sometimes you can tell just from email. Other times a couple of phone calls. For a few, you have to meet them. And for a a very few, you have to know them a while.

For my part, I encourage women (men too) to take a “one-strike and you’re out” approach at first. Do not ignore any red flags. Do not be afraid to hang up the phone on the guy or add his email to your spam list. As time goes on and you get to know each other better use your good judgment. And do not ever be afraid to ask the opinions of your friends or family. And if people warn you, listen!

No offence is intended, but in general women are much more susceptible to a smooth talking man, someone who says what they want to hear. Men have really developed this skill know how to use this to get a woman to drop lower he guard - and her chastity.

Another generalization is that men tend to be more simple and predictable; they will fall for a woman who is quick to lift her skirt.

Okay, now that I have insulted both genders and 100% of those reading this, it is time stop.

LOL! You made some good points though. Good tips.

 

[chevalier]

Just letting you know that you are not alone. I think it has to do with being a woman. We don’t want to be out there getting to know a “bunch” of other people. I mean if I am opening myself up to one person, getting to know them, and letting them know me for who I really am, there is no way I can just go out there and go through that same routine with others.

I think that we do have to understand though that men are different than we are. If you are at the point that you are looking for someone that you would like to marry, you have to understand that is a life long commitment. Wouldn’t you rather have some one interested in you, because of who you are as a person, not just because they feel like there are no other options and you’ll do?

Dulcissima, you made my day! What you describe is what my beef with non-exclusive dating is: it’s just unnatural and intuitively and instinctly amiss. I don’t have that much of a problem getting to know more people at a time, although I’d rather it were limited to one person, but the idea of multi-partnership I believe to be fundamentally wrong. Several chaste emotional affairs going at one time, it can’t go well. And especially if it does find some physical expression, such as kissing (I don’t mean simple cheek kisses).

It’s not like it’s actually bad to know more people - however, the more you know, the less inclined you are to fall for one person or to overrate what is going on between you and that person. Generally, if I talk to several ladies, they stand a good chance of becoming friends, but more than that requires much more incentive than if I were to meet single compatible person in more isolated circumstances. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is bad. It’s good when I’m not really ready for a relationship or when there are no sparks flying. It’s bad when it feels like, if I didn’t have to choose in between a couple of ladies but there were only one, I would pursue her. But all in all it probably means I have to wait more, for something more special.

Now there needs to be some golden mean. You can’t really go on a first meeting ever with some person and behave as if you were already in some form of exclusive relationship. It must be something introductory, perhaps excluding other people, but it isn’t really a relationship, so it shouldn’t be treated as such. I prefer to keep it friends and, while maybe open-ended, still not inherently romantic. This means I will perhaps flirt a bit, test my chances, honestly let the girl know what I think, find out how she receives me, but if I were to start kissing or something, it would have to be exclusive. Either already or from that point on, but exclusive.

And I certainly wouldn’t like to be the one that “will do”. No better options? Well, that’s tough but that’s how life works sometimes. No better candidate around? Well. Surely am not the best of all, the girl could certainly find a better catch or a better fit if she were to keep looking. But “will do” is a bit much.

 

[chevalier]

For my part, I encourage women (men too) to take a “one-strike and you’re out” approach at first. Do not ignore any red flags. Do not be afraid to hang up the phone on the guy or add his email to your spam list. As time goes on and you get to know each other better use your good judgment. And do not ever be afraid to ask the opinions of your friends or family. And if people warn you, listen!

That’s good advice, but… well, perhaps I’m looking for problems where there are none, but still. While I agree red flags shouldn’t be ignored, I’d rather people were a bit more polite and a bit more considerate when dealing with their correspondence and such. I understand it may be difficult to convey a “not interested” message, especially if you like the person and/or are somehow interested but not much. However, the general rule is that messages get replied. If there’s a nice guy a girl is somewhat interested in but prefers someone else, well, then it might be the best option to start ignoring him perhaps. Not the most polite option, but perhaps the least suffering caused. But I would reserve hanging up and adding to spam lists for those who actually offend somehow.

As for friends and family, they often offer good advice, but they may have agendas. Family may have different values from our own and a vision of what we should be, different from what we want to be. Friends may have a bit more personal agenda, as well, if they are of the opposite sex. Perhaps I’m jaded from some personal experience and maybe my cases have been an exception, but still. I would weigh their opinions, but decisions we have to make alone and on our own. But that’s probably what you meant by listening to warnings.

 

[chevalier]

Personally, I am only able to dialogue with one person at a time. I just can’t go on a date, can’t talk to anyone else on the internet when there is one person with whom I am already conversing. But, perhaps this is putting too much pressure on the other person (even if they don’t know that I’m not dating others); they probably sense my eagerness from my quick replies. Thus, I am still single.

Perhaps I should just take the “whatever” approach and email like 100 people on Ave Maria Singles and just see what happens. The thought makes me nauseous, but perhaps this is “the work” of seeking God’s will.

No, you should not, and I can’t really get myself to fathom that something which makes you nausaeous on grounds relating to morality or chastity could be seeking God’s will.

Now, the problem with the whole thing is the implications of the word “date”. In my language (Polish), the word “to date” does not exist (“go out on dates” as a descriptive term would be the closest), there is a word similar to “date” but reluctantly used (it has nothing to do with date as in schedule, it’s a corruption of the French rendez-vous). Generally, we simply meet up. Of course, we either charm the other or we don’t, dress up or not really, but I suppose a girl wouldn’t consent to a meeting called “date” unless the guy were totally her type or something like that. Personally, I don’t really find it proper that strangers should set up a meeting with a romantic implication. As in not unconditionally wrong in ever circumstance etc, but generally not normally right, either. Especially if the romantic interpretation goes as a matter of custom and is not really intended by either person. Obviously, it’s understood that you’re company, you get some rights, but in moderation. Of course, people still end up kissing or something before making any declarations, so it’s not like were’ oh-so-stiff. Contrary, we’re quite sensible about it, since no one makes a drama of it if two friends go for a coffee and a talk.

 

[jc-servant]

The work, then, of seeking God’s will, in regard to Catholic internet dating is??? Writing to as many people as possible???

I don’t think being open to God’s will means doing a mass emailing of 100 people or even 10 at once. It does mean giving Him an avenue to work through. To me, just getting a profile together on someplace like Ave Maria shows that you are ready and open to God providing your future spouse.

If God really chooses the internet route, He can do it by having the right person contact you or you perhaps writing one person. He can also make you wait until you have written dozens of people (even if it is one at a time) and then give you a spouse another way. Sometimes the process is about us learning and growing, not the end result. I learned a lot about myself by sitting down and writing and rewriting and revising my profile.

I would suggest that you do a search for some gentlemen whose profiles interest you and make a list. You can send out initial contact emails to 1 or 2 men stating what you found interesting or possibly compatible about them and see if they write back. If you hear nothing in a few weeks (or get a “not interested” response), then you can move to the next name or two on your list. I find that tactic less uncomfortable than possibly blitzing out emails to 10-20 guys at once.

 

[sacredcello]

**jc-servant Quote:
I don’t think being open to God’s will means doing a mass emailing of 100 people or even 10 at once. It does mean giving Him an avenue to work through. To me, just getting a profile together on someplace like Ave Maria shows that you are ready and open to God providing your future spouse. **

I agree, I was just being sarcastic. I wouldn’t want to receive a mass email, either.

After two months of membership on Ave Maria Singles, I made my profile inactive. I don’t have the energy for this kind of thing. I would like to get to know someone with some sort of assurance that they aren’t out there dating 500 other people at the same time. Even 1 other person is too much for me. Maybe I am acting like a princess, but I just can’t stomach it.

Perhaps I will change my screen name to cat lady.

 

[sacredcello]

Now there needs to be some golden mean. You can’t really go on a first meeting ever with some person and behave as if you were already in some form of exclusive relationship. It must be something introductory, perhaps excluding other people, but it isn’t really a relationship, so it shouldn’t be treated as such. I prefer to keep it friends and, while maybe open-ended, still not inherently romantic. This means I will perhaps flirt a bit, test my chances, honestly let the girl know what I think, find out how she receives me, but if I were to start kissing or something, it would have to be exclusive. Either already or from that point on, but exclusive.

This sounds like Chinese water torture. Is this supposed to be fun?

Well, all the best to you and others who can weather this sort of thing. I know that many people have met their spouses on these websites and would go through it all again. Not me.

 

[chevalier]

This sounds like Chinese water torture. Is this supposed to be fun?

Well, all the best to you and others who can weather this sort of thing. I know that many people have met their spouses on these websites and would go through it all again. Not me.

No, it’s not supposed to be fun. Neither the message nor the matter. Actually, it was very much in agreement with what you had said before, so I don’t fully understand whence the Chinese torture comment. Still, I suppose there are some differences that make it look like that. At any rate, in brief: no exclusivity = no nookie. Unless it’s a friendly hug. This is the basic rule. As it’s quite silly to me to claim exclusivity when it’s not even sure the other person at all fancies us, this basically means no nookie most of the time. No nookie means generally friendly conversation. Generally friendly conversation means getting to know people. That can bring about falling in love, but this is another story.

 

[sacredcello]

No, it’s not supposed to be fun. Neither the message nor the matter. Actually, it was very much in agreement with what you had said before, so I don’t fully understand whence the Chinese torture comment. Still, I suppose there are some differences that make it look like that. At any rate, in brief: no exclusivity = no nookie. Unless it’s a friendly hug. This is the basic rule. As it’s quite silly to me to claim exclusivity when it’s not even sure the other person at all fancies us, this basically means no nookie most of the time. No nookie means generally friendly conversation. Generally friendly conversation means getting to know people. That can bring about falling in love, but this is another story.

It just seems like a whole lot of hoops to jump through to get to the person that God has intended for us.

I agree that kissing should be reserved for an exclusive relationship.

None of that matters to me…I’m finished with chatting/dating/courting/whatever-you-call-it. I’ll leave that to you braver souls.

 

[chevalier]

Well, to be honest, the whole thing about finding the person God has intended for us is something new to me. Some years ago, people would look for a husband or wife and they would pray to find a good, but they wouldn’t probably think about finding the right one. Much less would they think about someone God has intended for them. We are certainly important to God and each of us on a personal level, not just collectively, but what’s the basis of thinking that God picks a single one person for us to marry, rather than having created us in such a way that we can find a good mate in most circumstances? It’s certainly possible that God has intended some people specifically to marry each other, but I can’t see why the same should be presumed about everyone.

Certainly weeding through 100 people at a site does not guarantee finding the “right” person. It may be the first one or none of them, as well. It’s good to be sociable and keep paths open, but that’s it. Certainly it makes no point forcing oneself to go out with not so appealing people.

 

[Norseman82]

Well, to be honest, the whole thing about finding the person God has intended for us is something new to me.

That’s probably because it is not a part of Catholic theology (if it is, someone please correct us, but please provide OFFICIAL sources complete with nihil obstats and imprimaturs). You and I are educated Catholics and we believe in free will rather than a micromanaging God.

 

[chevalier]

Well, it’s feasible in some way, but I just can’t really make myself ascribe so much specific intent to God without actually knowing. The concept certainly offers some reassurance, but as you say, there’s free will to consider. Since we’re able to go against God’s plans, intending us to marry someone specific wouldn’t eradicate our free will, so the concept is compatible with free will to some extent. But what when we want to marry the wrong person? Will God not want the best for us still? We can’t really know if we did it right or not and He won’t show the wrongness of our choice just to spite us or to show us we chose wrong. I think it’s safer to go by, “a good man,” or, “a good woman,” and obviously still pray for the one we will marry, since, after all, we’ll likely marry someone at some point. But the fact we will have married that person doesn’t automatically mean it will have been God’s choice for us.

I just don’t want to push too much of a human idea on God. Of course, God wants the best for us, loves us and all. But the best for us is not always what we understand as such. Also, while we could probably logically conclude that if there’s a single best person for us, then God wants us to marry that person, there’s just so much in it that we don’t know. And how much human logic can we apply to God? Well, I say I don’t know. If I pray to Him to help me find a good wife, I know He’s not indifferent to my supplication, but I don’t feel comfortable reconstructing His will with a mortal logical process.

However, many people have the feeling they and their spouses have been intended for each other. I certainly wouldn’t mind. However, while my own father said something along the lines that when he met his wife (long story), he knew it was something that was planned by God’s angels (as he would put it), he also asked me, “so would you prefer it happened without your free will?” I think I’m going to have a headache if I continue dissecting this.

 

[Norseman82]

I think I’m going to have a headache if I continue dissecting this.

You and I both…

But there is a part of the Cathechism that says something along the lines of “how God remains in control while respecting our free will is a mystery”, so I will stop losing sleep about it. The “free will” part is us doing the right thing in those things under our control. This is important to remember because so much of the wrong in life can be attributable to our own wrongdoing, rather than God’s doing (see Sirach 15). This applies in the dating world as well, if not moreso! And there is a part of the Cathechism that states that just because God can bring good out of evil that is never a justification for doing evil in the first place.

Besides, some people can misuse “God’s will” as a crutch for indecision and inability to commit.

And as long as someone is not breaking any of God’s laws, who are we to accuse him/her of not following God’s will?