Catholic Parish giving us a hard time due to spouse being non-Christian

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mwb85611

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Background: My wife is an active Catholic. I was raised Lutheran, have a degree in Theology from a catholic university, and studied Patristics in graduate school at a catholic university before having some realizations about my faith and left the church. Our marriage is catholic.

The local parish my wife attends is giving us a hard time scheduling our newborn daughter’s baptism because I’m not Catholic, and even though I consent (as I did in prep for our marriage years ago) to raising our daughter catholic, they are refusing to work with us unless I also attend preparation classes (none of which I can attend due to work, and they are not willing to work with us scheduling-wise on that). I’m not even the catholic party. Do we have any recourses for complaints, or should we approach a parish she doesn’t attend and see if they’re willing to administer the sacrament? It’s getting ridiculous.

Edit for clarification: it’s a religious education director. Priest just redirects us back to her when we speak to him. I’m trying not to be confrontational about it, but if there’s on thing I have little patience for it’s how anyone thinks the appropriate response is to hold a sacraments hostage. My wife mentioned my background in historical theology after the first rejection, and now I think this person thinks I’m being obstinate. No, I just can’t skip work as I’m out of sick and vacation days.
 
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mwb85611 said:
Do we have any recourses for complaints, or should we approach a parish she doesn’t attend and see if they’re willing to administer the sacrament?
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I would first talk to the pastor about it. He may not be aware that they are giving you a hard time. If he is aware, then it may be that you need to go higher up the chain.

If I might ask, what are they doing exactly; are they not scheduling you at all? And what is the stated reason for what they’re doing?

-Fr ACEGC
 
Sadly there is one Church, but many kingdoms within the Church.
Anecdote: My son and daughter were the only altar servers at the vigil mass in our parish. Regular as a clock. Came time for daughter’s Confirmation. She was attending a Jesuit Preparatory school in another city and had done all kinds of charitable and community work - in excess of that required for confirmation.

Nope. According to our parish DRE, those would not be accepted. Gotta do them twice. We went to our former pastor at his new parish and she was confirmed there by the Bishop. Well, the DRE at our parish declared her Confirmation to be “illicit” and placed her on probationary status as an altar server. She quit. It got worse, but you get the gist of it.
 
po18guy said:
According to our parish DRE, those would not be accepted. Gotta do them twice. We went to our former pastor at his new parish and she was confirmed there by the Bishop. Well, the DRE at our parish declared her Confirmation to be “illicit” and placed her on probationary status as an altar server. She quit. It got worse, but you get the gist of it.
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That’s horrible. I’m sorry to hear that.
 
mwb85611 said:
The local parish my wife attends is giving us a hard time scheduling our newborn daughter’s baptism because I’m not Catholic, and even though I consent (as I did in prep for our marriage years ago) to raising our daughter catholic, they are refusing to work with us unless I also attend preparation classes
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I’m sorry to hear you are having difficulty. First, exactly who is “they”? Is “they” the pastor or is “they” a secretary or ministry person, like a religious ed coordinator?

If it’s not the pastor, then make an appointment to speak to the pastor (and it’s not the secretary’s business what you want to talk to the pastor about).

I can understand why they would want you to attend baptismal prep classes along with your wife, but if you can’t then you can’t. It is, ultimately, your wife’s responsibility as the Catholic.

This sort of stuff makes me crazy. Please know, it’s not representative of most Catholic parishes.
 
Don’t get me started on the DREs who make sacraments the carrot on a stick.

Talk to your pastor.

It is our job as the Church to have arms open. If a “class” cannot be scheduled when it is possible for people to attend, the class schedule or format needs to be changed. Our Parish has moved to online prep through FORMED.org for Baptism. Parents are so grateful that they can watch the videos on any device when they have time.
 
I’m sorry she had to go through that. Sounds like a lot of pettiness from that individual. Pettiness has no place in something as important as that.
 
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po18guy said:
Well, the DRE at our parish declared her Confirmation to be “illicit” and placed her on probationary status as an altar server.
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I’m sorry but who is a DRE to say a sacrament given by a Bishop is illicit? I’m a DYM and I would most likely not have a job if I told that to one of our kids.
 
mwb85611 said:
Do we have any recourses for complaints, or should we approach a parish she doesn’t attend and see if they’re willing to administer the sacrament?
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At least in my diocese, the jurisdiction of each parish is determined geographically, so you have an “official” parish you are supposed to be a part of depending on your place of residence.

That said, those rules are rarely enforced, and I am aware of many cases where people circumvented an obstinate priest or DRE by simply moving to a different parish. One of the parishes in my hometown had a mass exodus of parents to another parish due to a DRE who was making things particularly frustrating.

If you find you are getting no traction with your wife’s parish, that might be your best option. You may have to shop around a little, but there is generally at least one parish in the local area willing to help you out with this sort of thing.
 
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The DRE was apparently trying to “build community” or the like. Fine. But, half of the things he had the kids do was goofy secular stuff that had zero to do with the faith. Almost like 6th grade camp for confirmandi.

I maintain that along with Confirmation, they might as well administer the Sacrament of Anointing, as that is the last time many of those kids are ever seen. To continue railing, this DRE had to be told to stop preaching ‘homilies’ at communion services.

After letters have been sent, he is no longer DRE but still carries influence - apparently having friends in the archdiocese. We time his “announcements” at the end of mass, as they can run longer than the homily.

As to stopping all of this, we have had a succession of extern Priests who have not had the authority of a Parish Priest.

No one would wish this on anyone, but he now has pancreatic cancer - therefore I pray daily for him - but the Lord certainly works in mysterious ways.

All of this has been and is a test of our patience.
 
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On top of all which, and which I am sure you know, I add out loud for the record:
po18guy said:
Came time for daughter’s Confirmation. She was attending a Jesuit Preparatory school in another city and had done all kinds of charitable and community work - in excess of that required for confirmation.

Nope. According to our parish DRE, those would not be accepted.
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ZERO hours of charitable and community work are required for Confirmation.
:roll_eyes:
 
Another reason why more bishops need to urgently restore the order of the sacraments of initiation. This modern novelty of delaying confirmation years after first communion has NO theological basis and is just horrible across the board. Bad bad bad bad idea and completely at odds with the 1900 years of tradition that came before the change (in the early 20th century)
 
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I wonder if a parent can request confirmation early for a child, for example a couple of years after first communion. Has that ever been done?
 
They are doing what they are supposed to: follow the Code of Canon Law. Children of a couple in which only one is Catholic have to be raised Catholic.
 
That’s the thing. Some of the directors do not care. They make up rules and you have to follow them. Including the “Confirmation retreat” which is an overnight event, or making it so that out of state sponsors must be available for more than just Confirmation day. They have to attend some other “event” some other time. The problem is that people just don’t even know that it is not an actual requirement and the pastor sometimes gives all the power to the director.
 
Aulef said:
They are doing what they are supposed to: follow the Code of Canon Law. Children of a couple in which only one is Catholic have to be raised Catholic.
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If you are referring to the OP’s post, no the people denying his child baptism are NOT “following canon law”.
 
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