Catholic program "Protecting God's Children" and a possible revelation from my daughter

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My daughter recently went through a diocese-wide program at her school called “Protecting God’s Children”. It is like the Catholic version of “Good Touch, Bad Touch”. Many of you are likely familiar with such a program.
She brought home a worksheet that she was invited to finish at home that reviewed many of the important points of the program. We talked about it carefully, but as casually as I could. (Many of you here are aware that my baby sister was molested at the age of 5, and it led to years of incest between her and my little brother, and ended up, due to the negligence and selfishness of my parents, causing the implosion of our family)
I was prepared for this conversation, having known that she would be going through the program, and having been thankful that such a program was reinforcing conversations that I had been having with her at home. What I was not prepared for was that she would make this statement during our conversation:
“Mommy, I feel like I remember a teenage boy touching me on my private parts.”

Heart-stopping moment.

Staying calm exteriorly, I asked some questions to try to draw out some more of the possible memory, without leading her or implanting a memory in her mind. I have already mentioned here in this forum before that the deacon’s son who babysat for us twice during RCIA has since been discovered as a sister-molesting young man. We did our best at that time to inquire whether that young man or anyone else had ever made our daughter feel uncomfortable or afraid. But we were very careful not to ask pointed questions, as we did not want to traumatize our daughter or implant memories at that time either.

So now I, of course, fear that some memory might be surfacing of the time when this teen boy babysat for my kids. But while she expresses concern that she has that sort of memory, she cannot recall any other details. I have told her that if she remembers anything else, she can come and tell me right away.

Three things are true about my daughter:
1 - she is scrupulously honest, yet…
2 - she has vivid dreams and daytime visions of things that scare her…
3 - she oftentimes takes a very long time for her to tell me the story of traumatic things that have happened to her (there was an embarrassing and traumatic experience she had in kindergarten at school Mass and it took her two months to tell me what it was)

Now, please, kind CAF souls, tell me what my husband and I should do now? I don’t want to jump to conclusions. I don’t want to encourage the development of a memory if it was a vivid dream or vision. But if it was a real memory, I need to be prepared to help her and follow up with the appropriate authorities and support people. My husband was barely holding it together as he overheard our conversation. He was shaking in terror and anger for his daughter. I asked him to allow me to handle the conversations for the time being, so that we do not risk making our daughter fear talking with us about bad things that happen to her.

We have had a total of two babysitters. The deacon’s son, on two occasions during RCIA. And a teen girl from the parish on two occasions, for the NFP classes. We thought we were being so careful, and now I feel like I just threw my daughter into the arms of the nearest molester (the deacon’s son actually IS a molester, we unfortunately know that NOW, years after the fact).

What can or should I do now?
 
A couple of further questions:

How old is your daughter now?

How old was she when the teenage boy was babysitting?
 
mommamaree said:
What can or should I do now?
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First, stay calm. Your daughter can and will sense your anxiety. It will make her anxious.

Second, I would back off talking to her about it. If it didn’t happen, by talking about it you might be reinforcing that it did. If it did happen, you might just make her so anxious that she won’t want to talk about it.

Know that I am just a Mom, I am not a professional. So this is just what I would do.

I do have a couple of questions. How old is she? And how old was she when he was your babysitter? I guess I am trying to find out how much time has past.

Also, has she ever been around or heard you talking about your sister? (Not generally, but the relationship between your sister and brother.)
 
TheRealJuliane said:
A couple of further questions:

How old is your daughter now?

How old was she when the teenage boy was babysitting?
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She is now 7, going on 8.

She was 4, going on 5.

I cannot be sure that this is the only teenage boy that had access to her. She started going to a parish-wide movie night for kids, supervised by Venture Scouts and Virtus-trained adults last fall. I suppose it is possible that someone could have found a quiet, secluded place there to molest another child, although that is supposed to be impossible in this situation.
Just a bit over a year ago, we witnessed an older brother molest his younger brother, over clothes, in the indoor playground at Chik-Fil-A. It happened so fast and she and I stared at each other in shock. While we were still in shock, the mother called the boys to leave, and she left, unaware of what had just taken place between her boys (although I suppose the two boys might not have been related).
 
maryjk said:
First, stay calm. Your daughter can and will sense your anxiety. It will make her anxious.

Second, I would back off talking to her about it. If it didn’t happen, by talking about it you might be reinforcing that it did. If it did happen, you might just make her so anxious that she won’t want to talk about it.

Know that I am just a Mom, I am not a professional. So this is just what I would do.

I do have a couple of questions. How old is she? And how old was she when he was your babysitter? I guess I am trying to find out how much time has past.

Also, has she ever been around or heard you talking about your sister? (Not generally, but the relationship between your sister and brother.)
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She is now almost 8, she was almost 5.
No, she has never heard me talking about my sister. I do not mention it openly. Only my husband and the godmother of my kids and my MIL know the truth, which was shared in totally private conversations with no children present.
 
hazcompat said:
virtus.org/virtus/

virtus.org/virtus/Abuse_Reporting.cfm

Peace
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I appreciate your trying to help, but these links do not address my questions here. I am Virtus-trained myself, and have a familiarity with this site and have read through all the materials. However, none of that training has prepared me to know how to act in this situation. Also, the links for my state’s statutes are dead links, unfortunately. Also, part of my question is whether such a revelation is an actionable statement…

Is there any more specific help or links you might offer? Thank you…
 
First off, what is done is done. A parent cannot possibly keep their child from every possible source of harm, because being overly protective can itself be harmful. You did not fail in due diligence, and you cannot know what it was that your daughter remembers. This is unlikely to be actionable in the legal sense, and if there was a perpetrator, he is either a known threat who is being dealt with or else an unidentifiable stranger. Also, whatever happened to your daughter, she thankfully has not exhibited signs of not having the inner resources to cope with the trauma of it up until now. If she was molested, she is coping so far, and you have not done anything to compound the situation she is coping with.

Since the most likely of the possible perpetrators has been identified as a threat to children, the only things you need to concern yourself with, then, is this: How does this memory affect my daughter, and what is the best way to handle my knowledge of it for her sake? I think I’d find someone who does this for a living and ask them. You did the right thing, though, by remaining calm and by encouraging her to talk with you about it more, if she is so inclined. She’s going to feel she can come to you, and that is the main thing.

Our diocese has a person who handles just this kind of question, and I would bet that your diocese has one, too. I think I would call as a follow-up question to the diocesan educational program that brought this issue to your attention…that is, my daughter brought home this packet from church, this memory came up, the most likely perpetrator fits the description of someone from church that we later found was a molester…now what? Who do I go to and what do I do?
 
mommamaree said:
She is now 7, going on 8.

She was 4, going on 5.

I cannot be sure that this is the only teenage boy that had access to her. She started going to a parish-wide movie night for kids, supervised by Venture Scouts and Virtus-trained adults last fall. I suppose it is possible that someone could have found a quiet, secluded place there to molest another child, although that is supposed to be impossible in this situation.
Just a bit over a year ago, we witnessed an older brother molest his younger brother, over clothes, in the indoor playground at Chik-Fil-A. It happened so fast and she and I stared at each other in shock. While we were still in shock, the mother called the boys to leave, and she left, unaware of what had just taken place between her boys (although I suppose the two boys might not have been related).
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Okay, just 3 years ago then. I am going to give my opinion, which is based upon reading, and in what I know about children and development. I have never been molested.

First, in 3 years I don’t think she would have forgotten a molestation or the details of it. She was not that young, and lots of children have quite detailed memories at ages 4 upward. Also 3 years isn’t that long ago, that she’d have forgotten the experience. Child psychologists have said that children who are molested don’t really block out the memories as was believed 20-30 years ago. They may try to forget but they don’t get amnesia about what happened - in fact, the opposite is true - the details are quite clear in their minds. 😦

Second, was there any change in behavior from her when she was 4 going on 5? Any disturbance in sleep, eating, not wanting you to go out with Daddy and leave her with the babysitter? Did she have any regression in toileting? Any whiny, clingy behavior that’s otherwise unexplained? If the answer is no, that she acted completely normally and you have no sudden recognition of “Oh no, THAT’S why she was acting like that!” then I would be a lot less concerned. Even IF she were going through something at that time, that doesn’t mean that she was molested by the baby sitter, or molested at all. But if nothing arose, then it’s more likely that nothing happened.

Third, at age 4 going on 5, would she not have come to you or her dad and asked some kind of question, had some kind of question, or just flat out told you? If she had been molested, sometimes the molester will say “Don’t tell or I’ll hurt your Mommy or Daddy!” but then we go back to my 2nd paragraph, because kids hearing that kind of threat will not be acting normally.

Fourth, that “I feel like” is a pretty weak opening for what she is discussing. SO, she has no clear memory, and she “feels like” it might have happened.

Not to downplay it, it’s always possible, but those factors jumped out at me as I read your OP. I’m no expert but if I couldn’t trace some kind of weird behavior back to when the sitter was with her, I’d feel better.

Oh, one more thing - do you know how old the babysitter’s sister was when he molested her?
 
In my opinion, you acted appropriately. If something did happen, it sounds like the person who probably committed the act has already been caught and delt with. The best thing to do is be available for your daugher if she needs to talk (which is the best thing to do anyway.) and if you notice a sudden change in her behavior or she expesses that she is unhappy or anxious, seek professional help.
 
If I were in your shoes, my gut tells me:

Find a psychologist, catholic/christian, who works with this sort of thing. As their advice pertaining your daughter. I’ve heard of children who were molested, younger, fine, but when they were older and really realized what had happened, then needed counselling- therefore, my instinct is to find out how to best help her, through a psychologist.

By all means, I would be reporting this to everyone appropriate regarding the person who did this, minor or not, if you think this happened.
 
You need to take your doctor to a child psychologist practiced in dealing with this.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Okay, just 3 years ago then. I am going to give my opinion, which is based upon reading, and in what I know about children and development. I have never been molested.

First, in 3 years I don’t think she would have forgotten a molestation or the details of it. She was not that young, and lots of children have quite detailed memories at ages 4 upward. Also 3 years isn’t that long ago, that she’d have forgotten the experience. Child psychologists have said that children who are molested don’t really block out the memories as was believed 20-30 years ago. They may try to forget but they don’t get amnesia about what happened - in fact, the opposite is true - the details are quite clear in their minds. 😦

Second, was there any change in behavior from her when she was 4 going on 5? Any disturbance in sleep, eating, not wanting you to go out with Daddy and leave her with the babysitter? Did she have any regression in toileting? Any whiny, clingy behavior that’s otherwise unexplained? If the answer is no, that she acted completely normally and you have no sudden recognition of “Oh no, THAT’S why she was acting like that!” then I would be a lot less concerned. Even IF she were going through something at that time, that doesn’t mean that she was molested by the baby sitter, or molested at all. But if nothing arose, then it’s more likely that nothing happened.

Third, at age 4 going on 5, would she not have come to you or her dad and asked some kind of question, had some kind of question, or just flat out told you? If she had been molested, sometimes the molester will say “Don’t tell or I’ll hurt your Mommy or Daddy!” but then we go back to my 2nd paragraph, because kids hearing that kind of threat will not be acting normally.

Fourth, that “I feel like” is a pretty weak opening for what she is discussing. SO, she has no clear memory, and she “feels like” it might have happened.

Not to downplay it, it’s always possible, but those factors jumped out at me as I read your OP. I’m no expert but if I couldn’t trace some kind of weird behavior back to when the sitter was with her, I’d feel better.

Oh, one more thing - do you know how old the babysitter’s sister was when he molested her?
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I deleted what I was typing and I will just copy what TRJ has said here. I agree with what she has written.

In addition, I think that calling law enforcement is jumping the gun.
 
Aggies08 said:
If I were in your shoes, my gut tells me:

Find a psychologist, catholic/christian, who works with this sort of thing. As their advice pertaining your daughter. I’ve heard of children who were molested, younger, fine, but when they were older and really realized what had happened, then needed counselling- therefore, my instinct is to find out how to best help her, through a psychologist.

By all means, I would be reporting this to everyone appropriate regarding the person who did this, minor or not, if you think this happened.
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The point is, she isn’t sure that it did happen. So reporting anything is a bit premature.
 
To me, you have two concerns:

(1) First and foremost: Protecting the well being of your daughter. Thus, whatever course of action you take, it must be to promote and protect the emotional and psychological well being of your daughter.

As you know, this boy you are mentioned might have touched your daughter in ways that are illegal.

Assuming and hoping that this did not occur might not be protecting and promoting the well being of your daughter, if in fact it did occur. If it did occur, some help from a truly qualified child psychotherapist might be necessary or beneficial.

Therefore, I would work to find a really, really qualified psychotherapist or psychologists (psychologists are the one with Ph.D.s), someone who will be very gentle, to use their special skills and insights interview your daughter to see if this crime occurred.

Even if this crime occurred, you should not panic, despair, and think that your daughter’s life had been ruined and that it is all your fault for letting this boy take care of her as a babysitter. First of all, as heinous as this crime is, it is not always damaging in any sort of permanent way, especially if it happened just once.

(2) A far, far, far lesser duty is, if you or the therapist develops evidence that his boy committed a crime against your daughter, is to report this boy to the POLICE, not the Church, not the Deacon, not the Priest, not the Diocese, but the POLICE, who can arrest the boy and put juvenile charges on him and thereby protect other peoples children from this boy’s pathology. By this point in time, the Church has no credibility in dealing with these matters, so don’t report it to the Church. Go to law enforcement.
 
This is tough, because her saying “I think I remember” means that she is testing the waters for your reaction one way or the other. I agree that the suggestion of taking her to a child psychologist is a good one. They will be better trained as to how to sort through her memory with as little trauma as possible, if there is indeed something to remember.
 
NSFrame said:
This is tough, because her saying “I think I remember” means that she is testing the waters for your reaction one way or the other. I agree that the suggestion of taking her to a child psychologist is a good one. They will be better trained as to how to sort through her memory with as little trauma as possible, if there is indeed something to remember.
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Maybe. It might also be
2 - she has vivid dreams and daytime visions of things that scare her…
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NSFrame said:
This is tough, because her saying “I think I remember” means that she is testing the waters for your reaction one way or the other. I agree that the suggestion of taking her to a child psychologist is a good one. They will be better trained as to how to sort through her memory with as little trauma as possible, if there is indeed something to remember.
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She said “I feel like I remember.” There could be a world of difference between really remembering something and “feeling like” remembering. I would not recommend taking her to a child psychologist at this point, UNLESS the OP remembers something from the time when her babysitter was there, such as an unexplained and out of character behavior, etc.
 
I think all here have made wise observations and helpful advice. At this point, considering her personality and behavior, we have decided to wait and watch and listen. I do not want to expose her to scrutiny or interrogations when it is possible that she dreamed or imagined this. Plus, although we know a molester had access, we do not know if he took liberties. She has said she doesn’t remember anything happening in our home, which would exclude that young man. Her behavior has been consistent. She has always been my sensitive, clingy child, a set of traits we have loved about her. The most traumatic thing she told me that happened to her was getting laughed at for audibly passing gas at school. She refers to that event as “THAT day”. Nothing else seemed to be on her radar UNTIL she talked to me two nights ago.
Thank you for your kind help.
 
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