Catholic Wedding - Unhappy Mother In Law

[irisheyes17]

Hi everyone. I’m new to this website but have been reading the forums for quite some time. I was raised catholic by my loving Grandmother. She passed away when I was 13 years old so I hold the things she taught me and the faith she instilled in me very dearly. My fiance and me have a 3 year old son who was baptized catholic and my fiance is currently going through the RCIA process at our church. It’s been a wonderful experience for us…I’ve been attending all the classes with him and we’ve been learning so much. It’s like I’m relearning so much for myself as well!

Here comes the issue. My fiances family. I am very close with my future Mother In Law and unfortunately never met my father in law due to his passing in 2006…however I’ve heard what a wonderful person he was. My fiance’s family is protestant/lutheran and my fiance’s mother watches Jimmy Swaggart every day…365 days of the year. As some of you may know he has been known to preach a lot of anti catholicism. My mother in law is extremely anti catholic herself. She believes that we pray to “dead people” the saints as she says, that we worship false gods, statues, and mary…and that there are many many things corrupt in the church today. I have tried a few times to approach the subject with her when she brings it up how these things are not true but I cannot get a word in edge wise.

We were planning to get married in the church in May of next year and have been keeping my fiances RCIA plans and the wedding a bit quiet. Well on the phone today I brought up that we may want to get married in the catholic church and it just went sour from there. She is very dissapointed in her son for attending church with me every sunday in a “catholic” church and she is very upset her grandson was baptized catholic. She said to her it would be wrong for us to get married in a catholic church and my fiance would be betraying everything he was taught.

I feel so upset because there is no reasoning with her. I love her very dearly and we get along great and have prayed together and speak about Jesus regularly but if the word catholic is so much as brought up everything turns negative. I truly feel like if we went through with the wedding at the church with her and the rest of his family in attendance that someone would cause a scene or completely walk out of the church. I really feel like our wedding would be almost destroyed because I would be focusing on their thoughts and feelings the entire time. I don’t have parents on my side (mother is a drug addict and do not know my father) so I have grown a very close relationship to her. They really are my family and I love them so much but it is hard when it comes to things like this. During the baptism of our son my fiances sister walked out twice to cry and his mother and the rest of the family were very quiet and unhappy. I just don’t want this to happen on our wedding day too.

So the question is what should we do. We are now thinking of having our church ceremony with just us, my aunt, sister, and son…and then having a seperate ceremony at another location to make them all happy. I just don’t know what to do…If everyone could please say a prayer for our family it is greatly appreciated. Any advice as well…we are going to see our priest soon but I needed to get let this out before then.

 

[Magdalen2013]

Have the wedding you want with just the people who will be happy for you.

Invite your fiance’s family to the reception afterward. If you give in to your future mother-in-law now she will expect you to continue to do so in the future.

 

[Della]

God is able to change hearts and minds–through our prayers. Your fiance’s family are Christian, so the Holy Spirit has a “wedge” there. Give the whole thing to Mary, trusting in her maternal intercession.

Love his family no matter what they say or do. They are the ones causing this upset, not you. If they don’t want to attend your wedding, they don’t have to , but they will be the ones regretting it some day, not you.

When challenged by family like this we are very tempted to concede, but Jesus told us even family would be against us because of our commitment to him. Have your Catholic wedding. If they act childishly they are the ones who should be embarrassed. After all, it’s you, your fiance’s and your child’s life not theirs. They have no business coercing you into feeling guilty by behaving badly. Stick to your guns, but treat them with love–that is the best way to allay their fears and cool their judgment of your faith.

 

[irisheyes17]

Magdalen2013- I would love to do that but it would create a huge family divide. I think its so much harder for me to put my foot down because I really don’t have family myself. I have no parents in the picture just my Aunt who I’m not very close with and my little sister. I really am very close with my MIL and she is a great grandmother to our son and does a lot for us and our family. It’s just when it comes that one single issue…unfortunately it’s very hurtful. I just wish she could wish us well reguardless. At my little sisters communion a few years ago her and the rest of the family were mocking the church, the priest and basically the entire thing while sitting there watching in the pews. I know this is going to repeat at my wedding and I feel sad to say that I just don’t want it to ruin the day. So I’m guessing the seperate ceremony will be the only thing to work for us…

 

[irisheyes17]

Thank you Della. That was a beautiful response and the kind of response I really need at this time. I just wish I had the guts to go through with it reguardless of her wishes. I will pray for the guidance I need.

 

[Della]

Thank you Della. That was a beautiful response and the kind of response I really need at this time. I just wish I had the guts to go through with it reguardless of her wishes. I will pray for the guidance I need.

You’re welcome. As the time goes by, and you make your plans, simply disregard anyone’s “feelings” and have your wedding in the Church. What can they do about it except boycott or act like babies? This is not how adult, Christian people are supposed to behave. Your future MIL may be a fine woman, but she needs to grow up and let go. Like Magdalen2013 wrote, if you give in to her on this she will expect you to give in on other things, as well. You have to be firm, but kind, and do what is right in the eyes of Christ and his Church.

 

[underacloud]

So the question is what should we do. We are now thinking of having our church ceremony with just us, my aunt, sister, and son…and then having a seperate ceremony at another location to make them all happy. I just don’t know what to do…If everyone could please say a prayer for our family it is greatly appreciated. Any advice as well…we are going to see our priest soon but I needed to get let this out before then.

Yes, a church wedding with a select few followed by another celebration may be a workable option. But it should hardly be neccessary if people can act like mature adults.

Either way, be firm that the church wedding is the proper/official wedding. They can either come or not. Perhaps you could allow your MIL to have her pastor come and bless your marriage, or something to that effect, at the reception.

Have the wedding you want with just the people who will be happy for you.

Invite your fiance’s family to the reception afterward. If you give in to your future mother-in-law now she will expect you to continue to do so in the future.

Yes, be careful how you handle this. Giving in to MIL on this will create a rod for you own back. Be firm and be kind.

 

[Gorgias]

Yes, a church wedding with a select few followed by another celebration may be a workable option.

No, it’s really not. At any rate, the priest of the parish where you want to get married should tell you that the Church asserts that there shouldn’t be two wedding ceremonies, as if each were valid or equivalent.

Bending to your M-I-L on this one, especially considering your fiance is coming into the church, doesn’t sound like a good idea. (If you had been planning on getting married prior to his reception into the Church, I would have suggested you talk to your priest about the possibility of getting a dispensation for the ceremony to happen in a non-Catholic Christian church. But, since he’ll be a Catholic by then, there’s really no reason for the ceremony to take place anywhere but in a Catholic Church… )

Would it mend fences to have a clergyman of her choice pray the benediction before the meal at the reception?

 

[underacloud]

No, it’s really not. At any rate, the priest of the parish where you want to get married should tell you that the Church asserts that there shouldn’t be two wedding ceremonies, as if each were valid or equivalent.

You will note two things from what I said:

a) I used the word “celebration” rather than “ceremony”. eg a Catholic church wedding followed by a reception, including a blessing from another pastor there.

b) I emphasised that it should be clear that the church wedding is the proper wedding. There cannot be two official weddings and you are right that their priest will point this out.

 

[Usige]

Not sure how to address the issues with you MIL directly. But with regards to having some type of second ceremony, that is a huge no no. If you and your fiancee will both be Catholic then you are to marry in the Catholic form. Period. Having a second religious ceremony for appearances sake is not allowed. Having a pastor of another Church “bless” the marriage implies that somehow your marriage was incomplete. At best it gives scandal.

This isn’t just about the wedding. Your whole family will be Catholic (at least you, your fiancee, and son) so she is going to have to get used to it. I was raised in a covertly anti-Catholic family and my wife was raised… well… an atheistic Christian (Christ = good guy, but not God). When we both converted neither of our parents were over joyed, but they got over it. They have came to all our younger children’s baptisms because they no it’s important to us. Hopefully your MIL can overlook her distaste of the Church for love of your family.

Personally I would say this is our belief and we are marrying in the Church. We would love for you to be with us to celebrate, but if you don’t feel you can we understand. You are still welcome to join us in celebration the reception.

 

[masondoggy]

I think it’s time for your fiance to grow up and put his mother in her place. He needs to stand up to her and make it very clear that her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

If he doesn’t, the wedding day is the least of your problems. This will affect your marriage and family the rest of your life.

I highly suggest counseling for the two of you and get this resolved before you plan a wedding date. This is the kind of thing that destroys marriages.

As for the wedding ceremony, you and your fiance plan what YOU want and if somebody can’t act like an adult on that day, it needs to be made clear to them that they can stay home.

 

[Alex_Swol]

I think it’s time for your fiance to grow up and put his mother in her place. He needs to stand up to her and make it very clear that her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

If he doesn’t, the wedding day is the least of your problems. This will affect your marriage and family the rest of your life.

I highly suggest counseling for the two of you and get this resolved before you plan a wedding date. This is the kind of thing that destroys marriages.

As for the wedding ceremony, you and your fiance plan what YOU want and if somebody can’t act like an adult on that day, it needs to be made clear to them that they can stay home.

 When our daughter got married, her future husband was Catholic and our daughter had

been raised Episcopalian. There was no problem. To put more fun into it, her Stepfather
was / is a Lutheran minister. Jen and Kevin were married in a Lutheran church, by her
Stepfather with a Priest doing part of the ceremony.
Your MIL is trying to CONTROL you and your fiance. If you let her get away with it now,
she will continue to control for as long as she can. Do what your heart tells you to do and
if she does not like it she can put it where the sun doesn’t shine. Anyone who can be so
rude at a time like this is juvenile. STICK TO YOUR GUNS and let the day be all it should be
for both of you. God bless.

 

[pianistclare]

I wouldn’t compromise on my wedding day for anyone.
Its her son getting married. Surely she can put aside the rude remarks and presumptions for her own son.
Do what you want, have a Catholic wedding. She is free to come and be supportive on of him or not.

You’re not going to change her, but unless you want her making these remarks for the rest of your life…be strong about this. It’s only going to get worse if you don’t.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Thank you for taking the time to share.

My initial reaction is to back off for now and let your fiancé handle things and here is why: it is his job as husband and father to protect you. Now I know that you are used to your future mother-in-law but I speak from past experience. When it came to “controversial” topics with my in-laws it was agreed that my husband took over. It was far easier for him to get angry and argue (if need be) with his mother than for me to do it. Even though I was close to her it just isn’t the same thing coming from an in-law as from your own child, it just isn’t. In addition it is clear that this woman couldn’t care less about good manners or people’s feelings anyway.

You said that at your little sister’s First Communion that this family was mocking the church, the priest and the entire service the whole time right in church? This is beyond rude under any circumstances I don’t care what your faith background is. There is no excuse whatsoever for that kind of behavior! I am not a Jew or a Muslim or a Methodist or a Lutheran, however if I were a guest at a service in a house of worship in any of these places I would not EVER act like that. No wonder you have anxieties over how this family is going to behave at your own wedding.

Your fiancé needs to speak with his family on behalf of both of you so you have peace of mind. If the family has reservations about the Catholic church they need to speak about it outside of church, however they need to promise they are not going to make a scene at your wedding for goodness sake. Don’t try to make them happy, you probably can’t but you already knew that deep down. People like this are somewhat self centered and selfish to a certain extent. Think of this; at your sister’s First Communion they couldn’t step outside of their own selfishness to celebrate a significant faith ceremony of someone else. What would they do if invited to a Bar Mitzvah, make fun of that too? It is sad in a way. I understand that it is hard for them that their family member is converting, but making fun in public is not a way to handle it. Please let your fiancé handle this, he has had many years of practice. Please be assured of my prayers. God bless and congratulations.

I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this. Hugs to you.

 

[nodito]

Oh, IrishEyes, I wish I could give you a hug! Planning a wedding is stressful enough, let alone when dealing with difficult family members who mock your religion.

You’ve had some good advice so far. I only wanted to add a suggestion for you to consider. You said it is difficult to “get a word in edgewise” when discussing religion with your mother-in-law, whom you otherwise love and get along with. You’re also worried about her attitude during the wedding. What if you were to write her a letter? Take your time, be thoughtful with it, express your love and how much she means to you and how you think of her as your own family. Tell her that you are trying to love and serve God the only way you know how, and that means you plan on having your wedding in the Catholic Church. You acknowledge that she has strong feelings about your faith, but you hope she can respect you enough to join with you in celebrating the sacrament cheerfully and with joy. If she doesn’t feel she can attend the ceremony, you understand and she would be so welcome to come only to the reception. Tell her how excited you are to be marrying the man she raised and thank her for teaching him to love Jesus.

 

[Musician]

Oh, IrishEyes, I wish I could give you a hug! Planning a wedding is stressful enough, let alone when dealing with difficult family members who mock your religion.

You’ve had some good advice so far. I only wanted to add a suggestion for you to consider. You said it is difficult to “get a word in edgewise” when discussing religion with your mother-in-law, whom you otherwise love and get along with. You’re also worried about her attitude during the wedding. What if you were to write her a letter? Take your time, be thoughtful with it, express your love and how much she means to you and how you think of her as your own family. Tell her that you are trying to love and serve God the only way you know how, and that means you plan on having your wedding in the Catholic Church. You acknowledge that she has strong feelings about your faith, but you hope she can respect you enough to join with you in celebrating the sacrament cheerfully and with joy. If she doesn’t feel she can attend the ceremony, you understand and she would be so welcome to come only to the reception. Tell her how excited you are to be marrying the man she raised and thank her for teaching him to love Jesus.

This.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Your fiance must stand up to his mother. That is not your job, it is his. There is just no other way this is going to get worked out not only now but in the long term. The only chance of returning to the previously harmonious relationship you have with her. Either he is in charge or his mother is. If he can’t stand up to his mother, that is saying he is allowing his mother to disrespect him, you and your marriage. In which case, you will eventually lose your respect for him as your MIL continues to dominate your marriage with her demands. That loss of respect on your part will do great damage to your marriage. Now would be a good time to find out what his backbone is made of.

The “how” he should stand up to his mother is really the only debate that matters. He should be prepared to take a hard line and to hold fast to it. If he is not prepared to do that, it doesn’t bode well for your future. Either you and your MIL will both respect your husband or you will both disrespect him. The choice is his.

 

[LSK]

Hi everyone. I’m new to this website but have been reading the forums for quite some time. I was raised catholic by my loving Grandmother. She passed away when I was 13 years old so I hold the things she taught me and the faith she instilled in me very dearly. My fiance and me have a 3 year old son who was baptized catholic and my fiance is currently going through the RCIA process at our church. It’s been a wonderful experience for us…I’ve been attending all the classes with him and we’ve been learning so much. It’s like I’m relearning so much for myself as well!

Here comes the issue. My fiances family. I am very close with my future Mother In Law and unfortunately never met my father in law due to his passing in 2006…however I’ve heard what a wonderful person he was. My fiance’s family is protestant/lutheran and my fiance’s mother watches Jimmy Swaggart every day…365 days of the year. As some of you may know he has been known to preach a lot of anti catholicism. My mother in law is extremely anti catholic herself. She believes that we pray to “dead people” the saints as she says, that we worship false gods, statues, and mary…and that there are many many things corrupt in the church today. I have tried a few times to approach the subject with her when she brings it up how these things are not true but I cannot get a word in edge wise.

We were planning to get married in the church in May of next year and have been keeping my fiances RCIA plans and the wedding a bit quiet. Well on the phone today I brought up that we may want to get married in the catholic church and it just went sour from there. She is very dissapointed in her son for attending church with me every sunday in a “catholic” church and she is very upset her grandson was baptized catholic. She said to her it would be wrong for us to get married in a catholic church and my fiance would be betraying everything he was taught.

I feel so upset because there is no reasoning with her. I love her very dearly and we get along great and have prayed together and speak about Jesus regularly but if the word catholic is so much as brought up everything turns negative. I truly feel like if we went through with the wedding at the church with her and the rest of his family in attendance that someone would cause a scene or completely walk out of the church. I really feel like our wedding would be almost destroyed because I would be focusing on their thoughts and feelings the entire time. I don’t have parents on my side (mother is a drug addict and do not know my father) so I have grown a very close relationship to her. They really are my family and I love them so much but it is hard when it comes to things like this. During the baptism of our son my fiances sister walked out twice to cry and his mother and the rest of the family were very quiet and unhappy. I just don’t want this to happen on our wedding day too.

So the question is what should we do. We are now thinking of having our church ceremony with just us, my aunt, sister, and son…and then having a seperate ceremony at another location to make them all happy. I just don’t know what to do…If everyone could please say a prayer for our family it is greatly appreciated. Any advice as well…we are going to see our priest soon but I needed to get let this out before then.

What should you do? Stay firmly in The Church. I am sorry she is upset but she will either get over it …or not…offer to give her information about The Church but you need to be firm and steadfast, for the sake of your soul.

We will all keep you in prayer…you are on the right track…keep walking towards heaven!

 

[Pianofish]

First, congratulations on getting married! I recently got married and it is an exciting time and such a wonderful sacrament!

Have you talked to your husband about these concerns? And, is your MIL disrespectful to him when he brings up Catholicism or only to you? If she doesn’t treat him the same way then there is another issue here. Either way, I agree with the others who indicate that this needs to be your husband’s undertaking. Although you have a loving relationship otherwise, your MIL is disrespecting you and him by mocking the faith that you both clearly love and cherish. I always knew this before I got married but once we were actually married in May it was incredibly obvious that he and I are it; we have family, we have friends, we have support, but WE are the main relationship in our lives and we need to protect and fight for it with all we’ve got. We are the only two who have any say in what we do and how we handle the affairs of OUR relationship. Our family may have opinions, and we need to be respectful of them, but we have to do what’s best for us and now our immediately family - each other (and for you, your child). Unfortunately sometimes this means alienating (for lack of a better word) the people who mean most to us, but remember that our faith is also the most important aspect of our lives. We must do what we know to be right by God, and in this instance it is marrying in the Church.

Also, as others have said, do not concede for your wedding day because the person who will suffer the most regret for it is you. Your MIL may always disagree with it but she will eventually get over it. You and your fiance may never get over it if you don’t get married in the Church. Before I got married someone told me that I should ask for St. Joseph’s intercession for my husband because of Joseph’s position as patriarch of the holy family. You may consider adding him to your prayers that he will guide your fiance in his faith journey and handling the difficulties with his mother.

Marriage is a wonderful thing. You’ll walk out of that church having made the most wonderful promise to each other and you will feel joy over that regardless of what else happens on that day. Many prayers for you and your future husband!

 

[Demetra2]

You are in a difficult, touchy situation here. I agree with others in that you must create a boundary now otherwise your in-laws will think that they have a say in how you raise your children. In the most loving way possible you must make it clear about what role your faith will play in your new family. The best person to do this is your future husband. Get this all out in the open now so everyone understands. There may be initial unhappiness but it will pass. Most people do not want to shun their children and grandchildren so there will be peace if not at first but eventually. Pray for your mother-in-law and through your actions show her that you love and respect her but you will never abandon your faith. She will respect your devotion for both her and your faith.