Caught Cheating and Desparate to Save My Marriage

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RVGiancarlo

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I have been caught cheating on my wife, never physically, but emotionally with others and most recently in an online chat room. Quick history, I’ve cheated, physically as well as emotionally, on every girlfriend since high school and every wife (three) I’ve had. Most recently, within the last 7 years I had a problem with internet chat rooms and sex online. I never went over the top although I admit it had the potential of destroying my life had it gone on any further. I stopped about 4 years ago, first because my now wife threatened the heck out of me but I also realized that wasn’t what I wanted or needed in my life. Since then I have not been back to the chat rooms until just two months ago, however I have looked to other women or put them or their opinions ahead of my wife. My wife became enraged and hurt because of this and I didn’t understand why. I was brought up that if you didn’t have physical sex with someone you weren’t cheating. Well I was very wrong and I can say that because if I put myself in my wife’s shoes I would feel the same way. I would be extremely hurt and feel betrayed if she looked to someone else for her computer advise (I’m an IT guy) or she had a meal with another man. So laugh at me or ridicule my wife all you want but those are the principals we live by and I am very happy with them and grateful my wife showed me the way. Now on to two months ago, I am away on business and I have to go to an internet cafe to check my email at times. I did this and for no apparant reason I logged into my messenger account and went into two chat rooms. I didn’t engage anyone, look at cams, or have any interaction at all but I went in. Then when I saw there was no conversation in the room I WENT TO ANOTHER. WHY? That’s what I need to know first but I also need my wife to know why. I need to tell her I am sorry and I love her and only her and will never let anyone come between us again. HOW DO I DO THAT after a pretty long life of dishonesty and lying? HOW CAN I SAVE OUR MARRIAGE? I am looking to you for your opinions and help and also for material on line or printed to read and follow from a catholic perspective. All the online resources seem to be quick fixes and selling you the “secrets” to saving your marriage. Please help.
 
I could be wrong but how I’m perceiving this is that you aren’t getting what you need out of the marriage and neither is your wife. I’d go to a marriage counselling session.
 
A lot of people have an addiction to online sex/chat rooms etc. There are support groups for that. I have heard that a lot of men struggle with this. I’m pretty sure you also established a pattern within your relationships that if you don’t get caught then it didn’t really happen. A lot of people have this idea in their mind but of course we have to remember that even if no one on earth sees what is happening God does. I remember hearing a sermon once where it was said that you can fool everyone on earth but you can never fool God. And at the end of the day His opinion is the only one that matters? So perhaps switching to a different way of thinking would help. Plus prayer. This is after all a temptation of Satan who would like nothing more than to ruin your life.
 
I am actually getting all that I need and more out of this marriage. I lived by a different set of rules through my first three marriages and my current wife is showing me how wrong it all was and giving me all the best. There must be a reason why I’m divorced three times and the way I lived my life and married life prior is probably a good indication. Now I have a wonderful wife who is showing me how married people should live and I am still screwing it up. I know one reason is that I am afraid to trust my wife, I’m afraid to open up to her as I have never opened up to anyone before. I have always considered myself “strong enough” to handle things and never relied on anyone. So my previous wives weren’t there to rely on and I didn’t look to them. This one is but I still don’t look to her. WHY???
 
My advice to you is make an appointment with your parish priest immediately. He will be able to help you in ways that us anonymous internet forum participants cannot possibly help you.

Start praying, too. Pray alot. Go to Confession. Spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

And, again, please contact your priest.
 
iluvmy4blessing said:
A lot of people have an addiction to online sex/chat rooms etc. There are support groups for that. I have heard that a lot of men struggle with this. I’m pretty sure you also established a pattern within your relationships that if you don’t get caught then it didn’t really happen. A lot of people have this idea in their mind but of course we have to remember that even if no one on earth sees what is happening God does. I remember hearing a sermon once where it was said that you can fool everyone on earth but you can never fool God. And at the end of the day His opinion is the only one that matters? So perhaps switching to a different way of thinking would help. Plus prayer. This is after all a temptation of Satan who would like nothing more than to ruin your life.
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Blessing, you are absolutely correct and I am getting help. Although I’m not a classic case I am still addicted and need help but I am also pursuing why I turned to the internet. What led me to be fulfilled there? More importantly why do I attack my wife when she calls me out? Why do I lie (all the darn time)? These aren’t questions I need you or anyone else here to answer but I am getting help and these are some of the questions I NEED ANSWERS TO. Thank you.
 
Joe_5859 said:
My advice to you is make an appointment with your parish priest immediately. He will be able to help you in ways that us anonymous internet forum participants cannot possibly help you.

Start praying, too. Pray alot. Go to Confession. Spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

And, again, please contact your priest.
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Thanks Joe. I have begun praying daily and learning how to pray. I will seek the advise of a preist as soon as I can, (extenuating circumstances) and I would love to go to confession but because my wife and I are married outside the church I cannot celebrate the sacrement of reconcilliation. I am working on annulling my previous marriages as is my wife and I would love nothing more than to marry my wife in the church before God.

Does anyone know of any online literature or printed literature in the spirit of the Catholic church on this subject?
 
Hi Giancarlo, I can’t say why you are tempted to use online chat rooms but I wouldn’t say you are “fulfilled” by them. This suggests being completed and filled by something when in fact you need to keep going back to get some kind of fix or gratification so fulfillment wouldn’t be a word that I say describes your experience.

It’s certainly much less work than a relationship and when you go into a chatroom you are anonymous and arrive as a stranger with no history. You also are not a true “person” but just convey parts of yourself and your thoughts. It’s a fantasy, the interactions are not what they would be if you met other participants in real life. I think some people use it as a stress relief especially if they have not developed healthy ways to relieve stress such as hanging out with good friends, being on a sports team or having hobbies that don’t undermine your marriage. Not to say people couldn’t still use chatrooms in those circumstances but I think the ease and simplicity of it make it very tempting. You might want to use some software that would block you from accessing chatrooms to help you resist.

I imagine you get mad with your wife when you lie because she brings in the harsh light of truth into your fantasies and the reality of what you are really doing is not something you want to acknowledge. Although, you’re doing so right now so you are definitely making progress. The fact that you want to change is a big step in the right direction.

The reason why you don’t trust your wife is a separate question. What was your family of origin like, did your parents trust each other?
 
Kindness said:
Hi Giancarlo, I can’t say why you are tempted to use online chat rooms but I wouldn’t say you are “fulfilled” by them. This suggests being completed and filled by something when in fact you need to keep going back to get some kind of fix or gratification so fulfillment wouldn’t be a word that I say describes your experience.

It’s certainly much less work than a relationship and when you go into a chatroom you are anonymous and arrive as a stranger with no history. You also are not a true “person” but just convey parts of yourself and your thoughts. It’s a fantasy, the interactions are not what they would be if you met other participants in real life. I think some people use it as a stress relief especially if they have not developed healthy ways to relieve stress such as hanging out with good friends, being on a sports team or having hobbies that don’t undermine your marriage. Not to say people couldn’t still use chatrooms in those circumstances but I think the ease and simplicity of it make it very tempting. You might want to use some software that would block you from accessing chatrooms to help you resist.

I imagine you get mad with your wife when you lie because she brings in the harsh light of truth into your fantasies and the reality of what you are really doing is not something you want to acknowledge. Although, you’re doing so right now so you are definitely making progress. The fact that you want to change is a big step in the right direction.

The reason why you don’t trust your wife is a separate question. What was your family of origin like, did your parents trust each other?
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Thanks Kindness, you are absolutely right about all the circumstances surrounding going into a chat room; anonymity, fantasy and all of the above you mentioned BUT, I haven’t gone in a chat room in years. I don’t even want to, miss it, or have to control the urge. As I said, it’s not anything I want in my life so why did I all of a sudden?

You are also right about why I get mad at my wife. I keep telling her to butt out and let me get help from someone who can take my punches but she just keeps standing in there. While she is very emotionally involved she has been a great help and it’s extremely hard for me to accept I have a problem and need help much less her help, but I am trying.

I don’t know why I lie and don’t trust my wife. As far as I can remember my parents didn’t outwardly not trust each other but I don’t ever remember them confiding in each other and sharing moments of support either.
 
When was your earliest most trusting relationship and how did that end?

Also if you are touch with anonymous women online that are willing to cheat or lie to their significant others I could see that undermining your trust in women. That is, they have something you want but they can’t be trusted.
 
RVGiancarlo said:
I would love to go to confession but because my wife and I are married outside the church I cannot celebrate the sacrement of reconcilliation. I am working on annulling my previous marriages as is my wife and I would love nothing more than to marry my wife in the church before God.
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I would check with your priest about this. I don’t think an irregular marriage situation precludes you from going to Confession. Of course, unless one is committed to abstain from marital relations until the situation is rectified, a priest may construe that as lack of firm purpose of amendment (and we need to have that to receive absolution). But I think it’s at least worth asking about. :o

The fact that you recognize there is a problem and want to fix it speaks volumes. That is a great first step. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be a walk in the park from here on out, but it is definitely a good sign that you’re moving in the right direction.

In my (completely-unprofessional-based-only-on-your-posts) opinion, I think that learning how to openly communicate is going to be critical. Keeping secrets and relying on no one seems to be all you have known thus far. It will take some work to overcome that. Praise God that your wife is there by your side and willing to walk with you through this all.

I will pray for you and your marriage.
 
Kindness said:
When was your earliest most trusting relationship and how did that end?

Also if you are touch with anonymous women online that are willing to cheat or lie to their significant others I could see that undermining your trust in women. That is, they have something you want but they can’t be trusted.
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I don’t know that I have ever had a trusting relationship. I’ve always taken care of myself and relied on myself for everything. Not knowing any better I didn’t think anything of the people in my life staying isolated from me.

The women on line can’t be trusted so I don’t trust others? Interesting but seems too simplistic. Easy to blame others but I won’t go with that completely. While they certainly can’t be trusted, I also know that I have issues that need to be addressed. You would be saying I see my wife as one of those women.
 
RVGiancarlo said:
Blessing, you are absolutely correct and I am getting help. Although I’m not a classic case I am still addicted and need help but I am also pursuing why I turned to the internet. What led me to be fulfilled there? More importantly why do I attack my wife when she calls me out? Why do I lie (all the darn time)? These aren’t questions I need you or anyone else here to answer but I am getting help and these are some of the questions I NEED ANSWERS TO. Thank you.
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Hopefully this site will give you some useful resources and help.

dads.org/

Ask Saint Joseph to pray for you! It never fails!

Prayer for Purity

Jesus, Lover of chastity, Mary, Mother most pure, and Joseph, chaste guardian of the Virgin, to you I come at this hour, begging you to plead with God for me. I earnestly wish to be pure in thought, word and deed in imitation of your own holy purity.
Obtain for me, then, a deep sense of modesty which will be reflected in my external conduct. Protect my eyes, the windows of my soul, from anything that might dim the luster of a heart that must mirror only Christlike purity.
And when the “Bread of Angels becomes the Bread of me” in my heart at Holy Communion, seal it forever against the suggestions of sinful pleasures.
Heart of Jesus, Fount of all purity, have mercy on us.
 
Maybe it is too simplistic, but if you know you can’t be trusted it’s not much of a leap to think others can’t be trusted either.
 
Joe_5859 said:
I would check with your priest about this. I don’t think an irregular marriage situation precludes you from going to Confession. Of course, unless one is committed to abstain from marital relations until the situation is rectified, a priest may construe that as lack of firm purpose of amendment (and we need to have that to receive absolution). But I think it’s at least worth asking about. :o

The fact that you recognize there is a problem and want to fix it speaks volumes. That is a great first step. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be a walk in the park from here on out, but it is definitely a good sign that you’re moving in the right direction.

In my (completely-unprofessional-based-only-on-your-posts) opinion, I think that learning how to openly communicate is going to be critical. Keeping secrets and relying on no one seems to be all you have known thus far. It will take some work to overcome that. Praise God that your wife is there by your side and willing to walk with you through this all.

I will pray for you and your marriage.
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We have checked with a number of priests and that is the common belief regarding reconcilliation. It’s not an irregular marriage situation, we are both catholic and married outside the church; in short living in sin.

Learning how to open up and trust is indeed the key Joe, and I am working on that. My wife has been incredible to take all my stuff and certainly does deserve praise. Thank you so much for your support.
 
Have you read Theology of the Body by Blessed Pope John Paul ll? It could help change your perception of sex, and improve your marriage.
 
There may be a reason you were more susceptible to temptation than you had been for a while but you basically gave into temptation because you are a human being. Virtue is a habit and it’s just taking small daily decisions to do or not do something that makes an action or thought a habit. The more a habit is reinforced the stronger it becomes. By not being a lone soul trying to do it all alone it would help to add reinforcers to virtue. I would find people you can be accountable to, a priest a holy friend, your wife (for example) and have the humility to know we all need help. God forgives us as soon as with are genuinely sorrowful for our thoughts and actions.

God doesn’t ask us to be rugged individualists, he calls us into a loving and forgiving community and communion with Him.
 
Trying to hold on to a marriage that is falling apart is a good way to rune the rest of your life. There is obvious trust issues and you are not in love with her. You are scared of change and being alone. Why do you want to put your self through all this suffering? A new mate will not have resentment she will trust you until you break it. It will be simpler to start over. If you do not do it now you will only suffer until you do. You may need to work on your integrity but she has nothing to do with that. If you go to chat that is one thing but do not lie.
There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.
 
RVGiancarlo said:
It’s not an irregular marriage situation, we are both catholic and married outside the church; in short living in sin.
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That’s what I thought, but some people recoil at being told they’re “living in sin”. “Irregular marriage situation” is more diplomatic. 😛
 
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