Caught husband/u-tube porn

[Dannilynn]

My Catholic husband brought home his laptop from work. We were looking at homesteading video’s on it. I noticed some inappropriate videos in there & told him it must be pretty easy to see porn things on u-tube. I was worried when he said, “You can’t see the real porn unless you sign up saying you are over 18.”
I noticed his history bar and clicked on it. There were a bunch of u-tube videos on it and I played one & to my shock and horror it was what I consider to be porn- Drunk teen girls commiting lesbian acts with each other…lifting up shirts exposing themselves, touching etc. Horrified because the kids were right there and so was he, I clicked off to a random one-same horrible theme titled sexy drunk redneck girls: bathtub together, pole dancing…etc. My husband said Turn it off, it’s not mine. I remained calm and said nothing.The kids were sent to bed. He admitted lying and said, “I screwed up. I’m sorry…I was just bored and clicked on those. I was curious.”
I proceeded to go through each and every one of those sick vidoes while we watched me get more sick.
So, as we spoke about it the next day, he said he deleted u-tube and stupid videos to “try” & not be tempted.
I wake up with him, make his coffee and his lunch, we pray, and he goes to work to view other females (mostly teens) who are trashed and sleazy.(I can’t get over these kids’ parents allowing it or not knowing it!!!) I know he has objectified these kids as objects and I am the receptical for his lust for these young women… I am attractive and I exercise. My belly is yuck though from all the C-section surgeries, I admit, but I didn’t do it on purpose. I am his wife but I guess that’s boring.
He says I’m an awesome wife and that he loves me. He’s told me I worry too much and imagine things. It appears I must be a talented psychic since he has been doing this stuff for a year.
He’s been declining to go to Confession with us in the past saying he never has anything to confess. Meanwhile he was committing sacrelige to our Lord.
During the “discussion” last night,there was no yelling, just me telling him that I’ve made an appointment at the cosmetic surgeon for breast implants (knowing his recent predilection for them) and a tummy tuck with liposuction. (teens have nice tummies and he likes that, I noticed.) He reacted badly to it, worried about finances and I told him I was going to take it out of the home equity loan. You see, he may be losing his job…but I told him I felt that he isn’t interested in me and this is what I feel is necessary for me to ever allow him to see me undressed ever again. Then, he reminded me that I don’t like surgeries and what if I die during it, isn’t that selfish of me…I replied that I think it is selfish of him to compare me to his gals in the video and jeopardize our marriage. I reminded him that is it selfish to look at other people’s daughters as sex objects and inquired if I need to be worried about our own teen girl and whether he’ll be interested in her.(He adopted her so who knows, she may be fair game to him.) Must I be worried about him trying to molest her friends when they come over?

My teen girl saw the first clips and I had to explain using explanation HE gave me:Yes, Dad made a mistake and he’s sorry. He was bored. She was digusted by it and shocked. We homeshcool so our kids are especially innocent even though they are teens. He actually called the others into our room and outed himself to them! I begged him not to discuss it with them, fearing that they would disrespect him. He told them about what he did and I got so mad, started crying and blurted out that it was teens and young women Dad wants, not me. He likes to view trashy rednecks drunk! His purpose at including the kids was to tell them why there was tension but his real purpose came in his words to them, “…and Mom wants to waste all our money on surgery to get breast implants and other stuff so other men can look at her and we will be financially runied forever.”

No, what Mom wants is to be attractive enough to her husband so he doesn’t continue down the road to Hell and cheat on me which all porn user eventually do-that or molest some child.

I’m really upset and crushed to know that even the “good” men are not good. He told me he wasn’t as “good” as me and what did I expect. I told him I expected not to be cheated on virtually or otherwise. I expected him to love me. I have been bored a lot and have never went to view any men or teen boys being gay to each other. Why do men do that? Why can’t they be mature and exhibit control over themselves. My 17 yr old son said later on, "I am disappointed because Dad is a grown man. He knew that was wrong. Why can’t he control himself. That’s sick. The kids are angry that he wants to destroy a good thing we had going: a holy family.

Anyway, I suppose I am keeping my appt with the surgeon today at 1:00. My husband will be so mad. Money has to be more important than me, I guess, after all I am nothing. I assured him that I have no intention of cheating on him or finding someone else. It appears he under the impression that as soon as a wife gets implants, they leave the guy who paid for them and someone else gets the benefit. He said that he knew 2 guys this happened to…

Tough thing, that. Now he can be worried that other men are checking me out while I worry about him checking out other women. Touche’. I want my husband to love me and notice me and be faithful to me. I love him and I feel that this is the only thing I can do besides all the Mass going and praying I have always done for him to save my marriage. At least he’ll be curious about me when I heal for a bit.

Danni :crying:

 

[kage_ar]

Whoa!!!

First, dear - spending money to distort your body is not a way to make your husband stop looking at other women. Please, make an appointment with a Priest and find a Catholic counselor before you see a surgeon.

Second, advise your husband that most companies have policies about the use of computers, and these videos could get his butt fired.

Third, back to the first - find a good Catholic marriage counselor. These resources may assist in that:

www.exceptionalmarriages.com
www.foryourmarriage.org

Lastly, please leave your kids out of this. Get them to see a counselor as well.
Prayers.

 

[Sierrah]

Porn can be a powerful addition like gambling or drugs. I’m not in anyway excusing your husbands behavoir but just trying to give you something to think about. From your post especially his comment “it’s mine” I would venture to say he might be an addict.

Why are you considering surgery? That’s not going to change anything. If he’s viewing porn now and an addict or being tempted by the devil a breast job isn’t going to cure the problem. Especially if you’re already in tight financial times. Please don’t alter yourself just to try and hold on to someone. It’s never works trust me.

I will pray from your family and urge you to talk to a priest. I’m not married so I can’t really suggest anything else but if it were me I would seriously think about kicking him out till he changed his ways or attitude. Or at least agreed to get counciling and meet with a priest. I wouldn’t subject my kids to his behaviour.

 

[fannypanny]

ok im not an expert in relationships BUT…
i do suggest that you need to get advice from a priest or spiritual director…dont try and solve your husbands problems on your own. and the other thing is - dont bother getting cosmetic surgery a) you can use the money on other useful items (like you have just admitted)
b) becoming a ‘victim’ or trying to become a ‘so called perfect bodied teen’ so to speak is not going to solve your problem because, making yourself more appealing is NOT going to solve his porn problem. I think it puts more fuel into the fire. and I think in this way you would be catering toward his desire since you are trying to compete with a teens body.(btw - most porn is airbrushed, so honestly you are competing against a computer generated figure) Which in reality, no one can match up to.

I also suggest a good computer filter since he claims that he does it ‘during idle moments.’ This will force him to control himself. Also another thing is - make sure he does not use the comp or watch tv late into the night because it is often late into the night that our will is weakest - due to our tiredness. I would also enforce that with staring at a comp screen all day - we can easily get tired - thus, he needs to keep active so this temptation does not bother him.
umm, but i truly think that you and your husband need to consult a priest!
il keep you in my prayers!

 

[rayne89]

You and your husband need to act like responsible adults and STOP putting your children in the middle of this, it is entirely and completely inappropriate. Yes good men sin. I realize this was a shock and it hurts but life isn’t over and all these dramatic pronouncements are not going to fix anything. There are men with big busted, size 5 wives that look at porn. This feels like its all about you but it really is not.

Since he’s been doing this for quite a while, he may fall several times before he can truly break himself from it. I would recommend seeing your priest together, and probably couples counseling from a Christian source. Obviously he needs to avail himself to confession if he has not done so. Deleting his account from you tube should be a given. Try dads.org for some good info on pornography problems.

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh, Danni–I’m sorry you’re hurting.

1. Please don’t get this surgery. For starters, a woman’s chances of getting breast cancer and other serious illnesses, is increased due to breast implants. Plus, this is not going to resolve your husband’s curiousity to look at lustful videos.
2. I agree with the posters who suggest seeking out a counselor, and a priest to discuss this with.
3. I think that your husband also might need some side counseling. At first, I thought this was one isolated occurence, but it appears like he has been viewing this type of thing for a while, and that is not healthy for a marriage. His rebuttals to you are kind of childish, too. I don’t really see where he is remorseful for his actions–rather just rebutting your desire to get surgery. I think counseling is in order, and for you as well.
4. While I know in the heat of the moment, bad things are often said…but, telling your husband that you wonder if he might molest your daughter is a little over the top. If you really believe that, then there’s way more than meets the eye here than just porn addiction, and again–that requires counseling big time. If you said that to him just to be hurtful, that really was out of line for what he did. I know that you’re hurt, but accusing your husband of possibly viewing his daughter with lust some day, is over the top. I think you owe him an apology for that line.

Please don’t seek out surgery or anything drastic. I think that you both need counseling, and that your husband might have just slipped off the right track. I don’t get the sense that he’s cheating. But, before things worsen in your marriage–I encourage a good spiritual counselor to help you both work through this together. With God all things are possible and all bad things are defeatable! I’m praying for you all.

PS–Just curious–Your husband works with teenagers? Is he a teacher?

 

[Epistemes]

Hello,

As a 27 year old man who (through God’s grace) has overcome an addiction to watching these same type of videos on YouTube, I hope you don’t mind if I comment on all that you’re unfortunately going through as a result of your husband’s seeming addiction. I’m not married – so there is that difference – but these videos affect the human psyche in mutually similar ways.

First, I echo what kage_ar says above: don’t think that by modifying your exterior that you’ll be saving your marriage. If you acknowledge yourself as already attractive, then praise God for this and be content with yourself. The problem isn’t you, nor is it necessarily your husband, but your husband’s addiction.

Second, since the problem isn’t you, but your husband’s addiction, then your husband needs to confront why he is addicted to these types of videos. Once he comes to that realization, he needs to come to the further realization why such videos are gross and a distorted use of the human body, etc. A priest should be willing to sit down with him a coach him through such realizations, but your husband has to be willing to, as well.

It’s a biological impulse of men to fantasize and become oversexualized when presented with images of practically young girls in sexual situations. It’s a fantasy which needs more and more to avoid reality. Again, though, this doesn’t necessarily mean that your husband is unsatisfied with *you *or your marriage, but it also doesn’t necessarily mean that he wouldn’t like to be sexually involved with one of these “young drunk redneck girls.” There’s a fine distinction there, though. This is why you should understand that making yourself look more like these young girls isn’t going to change things because *you *will always be you. When your husband looks at these videos, he knows nothing about these girls, and this anonymity makes it easier to lust and fantasize – because you can practically morph the girl into whoever you want.

See how gross it is??

Let me give an example from my own sinful past: I was dating a girl for about two years, and at the same time I had a subscription to Playboy. I would look at the images in Playboy, fantasize about the girls I was looking at, pretend that she had such and such personality – but when it came time to be with my girlfriend, I hardly (if ever) thought about those images and fantasies. It was two separate worlds for me that had nothing to do with one another. I’m not saying that our relationship wasn’t affected residually, because I’m sure it was, but if my girlfriend had gone to make herself look more like one of those girls, I would have objected because I thought her to be beautiful as she was. In fact, when she once acknowledged that she wanted to get breast implants – and this was without her knowing about my subscription – I became somewhat furious with her and made it known that I didn’t want her too.

No, it *doesn’t *make sense, and this is precisely how the devil works. God is not the author of confusion.

This is why I say that you need to be satisfied with you and seek help for your husband to overcome these addictions so that your marriage can begin to heal through counselling.

God bless. You are in my prayers.

 

[PaulinVA]

Danni-

1. Utube? That’s relatively tame. If that’s all it was, I wouldn’t call it a porn addiction. It can be harmful, but come on.
2. Involving the children in your fights/disagreements/problems is not allowed. Do not do it.
3. After the first video, you did not need to see any others. The rest were just piling on, or to satisfy your own prurient interests.
4. Have more respect for yourself. I thought you were kidding when you were talking about implants. There are good reasons, I guess, for implants, but doing it to spite your husband is not one of them.
5. You guys need to talk to a counselor.

 

[GhostMan]

Reading your post I saw a controlling manipulative woman and a man in a sin pattern. Both of you are trying to get the children on your side. Where is the adult in the house? From the sounds of it, your son is the most likely candidate.

So, you caught your husband watching raunchy videos. Bad on him. He should not be doing that. I agree 100%. But, you are going to punish him by getting surgery that a) costs money your family could use on other things and is going to be borrowed and b) will make your husband insecure. You’re doing both these things to punish him and pretending that it is for him and to get him back. This is manipulative and controlling and may be one of the reasons he has pulled back from the relationship.

Woman who use this passive-aggressive style of controlling behavior are just as abusive as a man who yells and screams at his wife. I’m not saying you drove him to this, but this type of behavior is harmful on a relationship. You’re angry that you caught him, he’s probably angry that you are treating him with no respect - not just right now, either. I sense a pattern here.

Sure you can get back at him this way, but at what cost? Are you willing to write off your marriage? It sure looks like that is the trail both of you are headed down.

I think both of you are in the wrong. Your children deserve better.

 

[Dannilynn]

Paulin,
Had I not watched them all, I would have worried myself to death wondering how bad it was.

I assure you, I have no sexual interest in teenage drunk girls. I wanted to know how bad my husband’s problem is.

The things I saw on utube were evil. I don’t know what you are comparing it to, though. Tame? No way! Like I said, there was nudity and sex acts…must I go on?

For everone:
I didn’t involve the kids…my husband did. Unfortunately, my daughter did see it when I did on accident…but the others didn’t know until he called them in and flat out told them in no uncertain terms. I agree that they shouldn’t know about this. It’s sick!

I thank you for your helpful replies…

Just venting makes me feel better. I am not the type who believes in breast implants and I just read an article about porn addicts and how they secretly want their wives to get them so they can objectify them some more. So, that’s out! No breast implants for me.That was just a rash reaction to this devastating situation. I’m lashing out at myself, you all are right.

I am, however, going to have my abdomen restored to it’s former self. I am tired of my guts hanging out and getting bladder infections from pressure of the above on my bladder. Everything needs to be tied up in place.

I just can’t understand the porn thing. For the life of me, why would men go for that over real women that love them? My husband has always known that I abhor porn etc. When I left my narcissitic ex husband for adultery, I later found several garbage bags filled with porn on his deck when I went to remove my things. My husband knows that is a huge button for me. He knew it would hurt me deeply yet he brought his laptop home, which he has never done before. I guess I am glad I know that he is a sicko…but was he wanting to hurt me?

Where does things like “my husband’s addiction” come from? What causes men to behave like demons? We have the grace of a sacramental marriage, yet, it appears that God’s grace from above isn’t enough to help these poor deluded creatures to save their souls!

On the way to Mass, I told the kids that we were in a spritual battle together and that we would have to help Dad defeat the evil. They agreed that we would pray and sacrfice for his sake. We love him. Then, at Mass the theme was spirtual battle and the metaphorical yet real weapons where spoken about in the homily which encouraged us.

What is my husband doing to save himself? Probably nothing. Maybe looking at more porn. Who knows.

I am afraid to go to the priest. We only have one here. I am on the parish council…the secretary listens in and spreads gossip…I don’t want people knowing my husband is a loser creep…I always felt like he enjoyed his stellar reputation…I once heard that if a man’s rep is ruined he ceases to live up to anything and is lost…all my friends think he is the best guy ever. I have always built him up and been his cheerleader. I meant them. Gosh, I mad!! I feel so used and stupid…talking about what a great guy he is…how loving he is…when it isn’t even me he is loving-it’s some anonymous girls!!!
OR
Am I just enabling him by being secretive?

Thanks for your assistance!!!

 

[rayne89]

…blurted out that it was teens and young women Dad wants, not me

Yes both you and your husband have entagled the children. Your husband is not a “loser creep” he is made in the image and likeness of God. If you think a sacramental marriages makes one incapable of sin your are quite mistaken.

I know you are very upset right now. This is all very raw for you.Take it from someone whose been there done that, the way to help your husband overcome this problem is to be a supportive wife. To acknowledge we all fall short, we all make mistakes. You two are one flesh.

Porn has been descibed as crack for the mind, one curious peak leads to another and before you know it’s completely out of control. Your husband is not a demon, he is a human being with faults and failings. He is imperfect as are you.

Please take your children out of the equation. This a marriage issue, your husband was totally out of line for bringing it up to the kids. You comment about dad wanting teenagers was immature and irresposible. And you both need to discontinue from including them in any further discussion about adult marriage issues.

I fail to see how the parish secretary would have any knowledge of the counsel between you and your priest. Surely you wouldn’t ask for an appointment to discuss your husband’s porn problem when calling. If your priest is untrustworthy find a priest at a different parish for counsel.

 

[Dannilynn]

Ghostman,

It’s clear that you think my controlling manipulative passive agressive behavior Must have drove him to this.

Without giving me the benefit of the doubt, let’s go with your scenerio.

How does watching porn help a man feel better about his mean old wife?

My husband certainly agrees with you that my decision for surgery was as “revenge” so there is definitely something for me to ponder.

Since I am blinded by anger right now, I read your post thinking,
“What about the insecurity he caused me?”

How can you say getting surgically enhanced ISN’T for him? He’s the one looking at porn some of which had breast-implanted young women. That means he likes breast implants. Same thing with tummy tucks and lipo. He obviously craves hot bodies. How is that “getting him back”? I see how it could be construed as giving in to his lusts, though.

Well, as my last post said I’m not doing implants…that was a brash decision.

But, I am open to finding out what manipulations and controlling behavior looks like so I can see if I do that. I thought we had a great marriage…I was happy…he’s always said he is happy and that I am perfect for him…he said I did nothing to cause this & it wasn’t about me…and he said that he is the luckiest man to have me…he’s said so many times that I am a much better person than him. I have always built him up and supported him and respected him, greeted him happily…I’m happy to home serving him, I am a cheerful and fun wife…I don’t even like shopping so I don’t strain him financially…

So, how do I know if I am abusing him in this way? Wouldn’t there be clues that I am the cause of his porn addiction? What kinds of things do wives say that drive men to porn?

Thanks,
Danni

 

[Dannilynn]

Rayne,
Thanks for the reminders about my husband being made in the image and likeness of God and that we are one body. I chose him, after all. I know that. I am just frightened by mortal sin and I don’t want it spreading.

PS. The secretary listens through the door! The priest’s office is separated from hers by that door.

 

[TLDenmark]

Dear Dannilynn

Please stop doubting yourself, I am sure you are an awesome and beautiful wife. As another young male that have had to battle the consequences of porn addiction, I can only agree with the advice already given. You have no blame in what your husband is doing, nor will it help your marriage if you start emulating the trashy behaviours and looks that is portrayed in porn movies.

Instead of expensive surgery and damaging arguments, the two of you need to work together as husband and wife. Talk to each other, give each other emotional support, get the advice from a priest (warn him about the secretary), see some counselling, pray, etc. Also you should immediately get yourself a good porn filter, and install it on all of your computers. It need to be a filter that both enables you to block porn sites and allows you to see what is going on, helping him with his urges and you with the issue of trust. I personally use safeyes, but I am sure that there is many other good programs available.

God bless you and your marriage
TL

 

[teme]

Like the other posts here, I recommend counseling strongly for you. As a couple, and each individually.

I guess I am glad I know that he is a sicko…but was he wanting to hurt me?

What causes men to behave like demons?

these poor deluded creatures

What is my husband doing to save himself? Probably nothing. Maybe looking at more porn. Who knows.

I don’t want people knowing my husband is a loser creep…

What he did was horrible, wrong, and you have a right to be upset. But, your language in these posts seems to solidify an opinion of your husband that suggests you have no desire or hope for his healing, or for mending your relationship.

 

[GhostMan]

Dannilynn,

How does watching porn help a man feel better about his mean old wife?

Don’t know. I did not defend it, I said it was wrong.

Since I am blinded by anger right now, I read your post thinking,
“What about the insecurity he caused me?”

Two wrongs don’t make a right and as adults and parents we are sometimes called to suck it up and bear insults against us in silence and without striking back.

How can you say getting surgically enhanced ISN’T for him? He’s the one looking at porn some of which had breast-implanted young women. That means he likes breast implants. Same thing with tummy tucks and lipo. He obviously craves hot bodies. How is that “getting him back”? I see how it could be construed as giving in to his lusts, though.

You stated that you were doing it in spite of the fact he doesn’t want it. You also implied that you were doing this to get back at him:

Tough thing, that. Now he can be worried that other men are checking me out while I worry about him checking out other women. Touche’.

This is where I got controlling and manipulative. I don’t expect this is the first time you have responded to what you perceive as failings in him by lashing out irrationally and in anger.

What comes across to me is your desire to become just like those teenage girls. I wonder why? Are you planning to torment him and make him “pay” for his sins by getting all “hot” and then turn a cold-shoulder? You wouldn’t be the first wife to do that.

But, I am open to finding out what manipulations and controlling behavior looks like so I can see if I do that. I thought we had a great marriage…I was happy…he’s always said he is happy and that I am perfect for him…he said I did nothing to cause this & it wasn’t about me…and he said that he is the luckiest man to have me…he’s said so many times that I am a much better person than him. I have always built him up and supported him and respected him, greeted him happily…I’m happy to home serving him, I am a cheerful and fun wife…I don’t even like shopping so I don’t strain him financially…

I am not certain that this rings true. A marriage such as you are describing does not suddenly crash like your has over an incident like this. There is a lot more that you are not telling us.

Your further responses describe him as a “loser creep”. This is a brand-new attitude since last night? Before that he was a knight in shining armor? I doubt that; even if he was, you have very little tolerance for failure.

Porn is bad; I agree. It ruins marriages. Again, porn is bad.

That being said, so is gossip. Gossip destroys relationships. Have you ever been guilty of gossip? If so, would you like to be written off as a “loser creep”?

Lying is a sin. Lying destroys marriages. Have you ever been guilty of lying? If so, would you like to be written off as a “loser creep”?

Controlling and manipulative behavior is a sin . Controlling and manipulative behavior destroys relationships. Have you ever been guilty of Controlling and manipulative? If so, would you like to be written off as a “loser creep”?

The reason I continue to conclude you are controlling and manipulative is the immediate manner in which you channeled your anger to the two places you know would hurt him most: money and insecurity. You were hurt so you lashed back as hard and fast as you could. In doing so, you brought your children into it. Again, I am not defending him. He was at least as wrong as you. He, however, is now shamed before you and his children. You get to feel all self-righteous and hurt. Well played. Point to you. What good are the points again? Oh yes, Divorce Court.

I admire the way you managed to humiliate him and turn all attention to you. It’s all about you right now, isn’t it? Your hurt marriage, your hurt feelings, your poor body image. He is a “loser creep”. Again, you have my admiration for a part well-played.

Don’t worry. You’ll be supported by the many people here who love to pile on men. Soon you’ll be told to seek protective custody of your children.

The question is: what are you hoping to accomplish. your husband’s humiliation is deep, but not complete. You have the chance to crush what’s left of his self-esteem and ensure that he never forgets that you are better at this game then he is. Keep reminding the children, and your extended family if you can, about what a “loser creep” he is; how he rejected you for teenagers because of your sagging breasts and scarred tummy. I’m sure that is 100% of the cause. It’s all physical. In no way does this reflect on how he views himself now or how you treat him.

I pause to once again remind you I am not defending him: he was wrong. Porn is bad.

Some men a addicted to porn. Way fewer, I suspect than we would be led to believe here. Others are attracted to it because it fills a niche that their wives no longer fill. That can be mental, emotional, physical or fantasy based. Again, not defending it, just talking about why men are drawn.

You seem adamant that it is all 100% physical. I somehow doubt that. If it were, he would have jumped on the surgery thing.

This is a dangerous game you are playing and you are darn good at it. Way better, it seems, than your rather hapless husband. The question is: do you want to win this game or try a different one?

 

[whatevergirl]

GhostMan–I think you are right on in much of your reply here, but I don’t see her as passive aggressive…she is hurt, and is lashing out. It happens. I also don’t think that it’s healthy to stay silent when people are saying hurtful things to one another in marriage. Yes, no need to rail against the railing, as the Bible states, but from your posts, you don’t seem to be happy all of these years by following your own advice. It gets a little tiring to read your posts, blaming women for their husband’s actions.

I agree-they both are in the wrong–they both need counseling, but nothing she did caused her husband to ‘pull away’ as you stated, and that is dangerous to tell women. Please stop telling women on here that somehow, some way, it’s their fault for their husband’s porn…and that it’s due to women not respecting them, etc…etc…

We don’t know the ins and outs of this marriage, but accusing women that it’s somehow their fault that their husband is lusting after porn is WRONG. Her reaction to it was wrong…true. They are in need of counseling, and hopefully, through prayer and efforts on BOTH of their parts…they will move past this.

I’m not trying to start something with you, Ghostman, but please try at least, to stop placing your marital situation onto others. Every marriage has unique nuances…just please don’t make it sound like it’s women’s faults behind their husband’s porn addictions. It’s not the first time I have seen you infer that.

Thank you for listening.

 

[whatevergirl]

Danni and to others here…I’d like to add one more point. I wonder how many men were addicted to porn, BEFORE the advent of the internet. Internet porn sites are the most frequently visited out of all others, on the web.

Before, back before the internet, if men wanted to view porn, they had to visit ‘those’ stores…sleazy places where someone could take a risk of bumping into someone they knew…or a driver by seeing someone they knew visiting one. Adult bookstores, strip clubs, etc…took a major backseat, to the private world of internet porn. So, while I think that many men are addicted, I think that because it’s spammed to us, because it’s so easy to navigate to…it can be tempting for people to become curious. Curiousity in this regard, can lead to great danger, because of the ease of which the person can continue their fetish/addition. I think that if the internet were to vanish tomorrow, probably a smaller number of men would continue their habit. Not blaming the internet, but I even receive vulgar spam messages in my email from time to time…and I delete them, but can tell from the subject title, that it’s an invitation to some bizarre porn website.

You’re in my prayers Danni…I hope things work out for you and your husband. I think they will. I’m hopeful. The best marriages out there, the long lasting ones…weather storms. Praying for you.

 

[kage_ar]

If the secretary listend to private counseling sessions, your Priest needs to be made aware of that.

Ask him to meet you in the Confessional and discuss this matter with him there.

 

[KCtheMommy]

This thread is horribly sad. Worse than you-tube porn me thinks.

Danni, don’t get me wrong, I understand being upset – much less clicking on something in front of your DD (which by the title of said video surprises me you would open it then and there. Why wouldn’t you go in private to see what shennanigans your DH was up to?) but your responses to this is more horrific – in my opinion – than the actual sin.

Especially this:

He told them about what he did and I got so mad, started crying and blurted out that it was teens and young women Dad wants, not me. He likes to view trashy rednecks drunk! His purpose at including the kids was to tell them why there was tension but his real purpose came in his words to them, "…and Mom wants to waste all our money on surgery to get breast implants and other stuff so other men can look at her and we will be financially runied forever."

Both of you should be ashamed at yourselves for involving your children in this. Much less the horrible things you said about each other to them!!! I am sitting here in absolute shock.

Furthermore, don’t jump on the addiction-to-porn bandwagon just yet. If he was addicted to porn it would be a whole heck of a lot of porn, not just you tube videos, plus he would be hiding it better. Maybe on some level he wanted you to see what he was up to? Maybe he wanted to confess his sins, get them out in the open and move your relationship to a new level? I don’t know, but until you drop this over-the-top reaction to the whole thing and start talking to him with some respect and remember that you actually love this guy – you will NOT find out. Who wants to talk to a screaming, crying woman in hysterics?

Either way Dannilynn, this is HIS sin, not yours (although you might want to do some soul searching on your reaction to this) and you can’t force him to confession. You would be better kept to not keep tearing him down and being SO disgusted. Fact is: he’s a man. Men like to look at naked girls. No, it’s not right and yes it is a sin, but is he catechized about porn? Have you talked about porn before this? At all? Have you talked about the church’s views on it? We’ve talked about porn – I have requested that my DH not look at porn on the computer – ages ago – before he ever became Catholic, but we haven’t really talked about the church’s stance.

The internet is ripe with: see one nasty thing, click on the next. Have you ever noticed at You Tube you watch one video, then over on the right it pops up with 20 more you might be interested in? I bet that’s all it was. He started looking and he said – “oh now that was nasty, what’s next? Girl’s really do THAT?” I am sure he didn’t mean for it to go on like it did.

Seriously the other day I got on a thing at you tube that started with one innocent little freaky looking bug which turned into people having huge maggots pulled out of their scalp, which turned into people who have really strange growths on their faces, hands and feet. Like a train wreck, I couldn’t help but look. I know it’s gross, it served absolutely nothing in my day other than to gross myself out. At the end I thought “can I get back the last hour of my life?” So I can see how your DH just kept on clicking. I’m not justifying it – I’m just sayin’.

So my advice and prayers for you:

1. calm DOWN.
2. CALM DOWN.
3. Calm it on down.

and…

1. Calmly tell your children you are sorry you over-reacted, or involved them at all. Hopefully you can do it together, apologize together. Quick, simple and efficient. “We are sorry, we didn’t mean to involve you, we love each other, we love you, we behaved badly, please forgive us.” I am begging you: stop the entire conversation about this with them NOW. Not the wrongness of porn, but the “wrongness” of your husband. Please stop vilifying him to your children.
2. Dress up nice and pretty, put on some makeup, make a nice dinner – candles and all. When your husband walks in the door throw your arms around him and say “I want to be the one you want to look at…” and give him a big fat kiss. Staying angry with him will not help either one of you. Moving on in a loving way will. Yeah he messed up, he’s human, we all do at one time or another. Who, besides God, do we have to say they love us and with our imperfections, trials and tribulations? You made a marital VOW “in good times and in bad” – remember?

Have you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger? I highly suggest it.

Hang in there and God Bless.