E
elts1956
Guest
As a Catholic with SSA, I feel a need to weigh in on this. There are too many posts to respond to individually, so I will simply state my mind on this issue and respond only to one earlier post.
First, I think the notion that two homosexual Christians could be involved in chaste, same-sex “dating” without presenting immense spiritual dangers to themselves is ridiculous, and the pursuit itself probably constitutes sin of some sort. A guy and a girl don’t get involved in chaste dating for friendship; they do it to test the waters of romance and discern marriage and mature sexual union. Likewise, two homosexual Christians can’t get involved in anything that could conceivably be called dating without such an end in play, even if they’re in denial about it.
With that said I turn to the same-sex friendships of homosexuals. First, not implying that anyone in this thread has so claimed, the notion that a male homosexual like myself cannot be involved in loving and deep friendships with other men without presenting spiritual danger to oneself is both ludicrous and insulting. I have a few very deep friendships with other Christian men, and the goodness and joy of those relationships has actually given me strength and rest in the fight against my homosexual urges. We hug each other regularly, go to movies or restaurants both one-on-one and in a group, have heartfelt man-to-man conversations, write letters to one another, and say “I love you” to each other. They’re all heterosexual, if you want to know.
I’m sure many guys out there would balk at such activity between friends. This, I think, is a major contribution to the problem: the idea of male friendships has been so impoverished with the growing societal presence of homophobia and warped ideals of masculinity. The reason why I am able to participate in such living relationships is because I discovered that true, Christian, and biblical friendship is not about what kind of emotional sustenance I can get out of it; it is about mutual sacrifice, love, and growth as Christian men.
My friendships with these men are not about me, my homosexuality, or what kind of perverse or pathetic, grasping sustenance I can get out of them. I pour my heart out for my friends’ sake; I give myself for them in the hopes that they can be loved, loving, and mature Christian men.
Now that I’ve made that clear, I also agree with the many here who emphasize the need to be discerning and honest about one’s intentions and feelings when involved in same-sex friendships. If before God you honestly can’t say that you aren’t having struggles with romantic or sexual thoughts toward friends of your gender, then you must be doubly cautious of the level of intimacy, especially physical, you participate in. While it may or may not be silly to completely cut off contact with the friend, you must take steps to ensure your spiritual health.
Congratulations on your joining the Catholic faith, brother. I was fully initiated only two years ago. I’m now 23 years old, and from my own experience, I must advise you to take major precautions in your struggle here. I fooled myself into thinking I could get into an intimate friendship with someone I had very similar feelings about, and over time it simply got more and more out of control. I came out of that situation having done some pretty severe spiritual damage to myself; thankfully through both the strength and purity of my other friendships and my eventual separation from this friend God has achieved much healing in me.
I ask you in all humility, brother, to take counsel in prayer with God and yourself. Ask him for wisdom and clear sight in this struggle, and the strength to do what needs to be done to guard your fidelity to him, who is to be our most beloved above all others.
To give something of an answer to your questions, I don’t think you should concern yourself mostly with “was the hug a sin?” or “would hugging him be a sin?” (personally, I don’t think accepting a hug from him would be sinful) but the examination I noted above.
Couldn’t say it better myself. Thanks.Oh for Pete’s sake.
Dating is a series of actions meant to engender romance. Can a married man licitly have romance with a woman other than his wife? No. Why not? Because it is ordered toward union. That union is called marriage.
If two people court and then break up, one might remark that “it never went anywhere”. Well, where does it actually go? Marriage and sex is where it is supposed to go.
I’m sure it’s a tough personal problem to suffer from SSA. It’s tough as a heterosexual male to have lust issues. Maybe you don’t “choose it” or “ask for it” (or maybe you do… let’s set that aside because it doesn’t matter). The fact is, it is our responsibility to choose rightly.
If two individuals experience SSA, especially if they experience it for one another, they should refrain from physical contact beyond what would be the norm for two heterosexual male friends. No holding hands, no backrubs, no kissing. No foot massages, right?
It’s not merely our responsbility to avoid performative sins, it’s also our responsibility to avoid near occasions of sin. It can be a difficult journey sometimes. But we all know what the destination is, and what happens in the event of failure. If we want to show our love for God, we need to keep His commandments. One of the main things that takes is trust. Trying to skirt around the rules implies a lack of trust.
If you’re drawn to something that you know is sinful, don’t put yourself in that situation. Avoid it, do something else.
I see other men much differently than I used to and I am starting to see women differently too.
joy)…no social life (all the people your age are married and altogether far too busy for a loser like one, except for the pity invitation to Easter dinner or something), no nothing.