Chastity after engagement: Is it realistic?

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I am struggling convincing my boyfriend about the need to remain chaste even after engagement. For him it is just unrealistic. Can someone help me out please? What response can I give that is reasonable, other than just to please God or it being the right thing to do.Any advice will be highly appreciated.
 
mnk25 said:
I am struggling convincing my boyfriend about the need to remain chaste even after engagement. For him it is just unrealistic. Can someone help me out please? What response can I give that is reasonable, other than just to please God or it being the right thing to do.Any advice will be highly appreciated.
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Were you unchaste before the engagement? Now, pray forgive me if I get defensive over my sister in Christ, but you ought to slap that fellow! Who does he think he is that he can pressure you? Hmmm? Does he not care about you? Or God?

Here’s a whopper I’d like you to drop on 'im. Tell him, “Guess what dear? We’re gonna remain chaste after we’re married too!”

ahem That was to point out the difference between celibacy and chastity. That’s all I’ve now, but I’m certain my fellow forum go-ers will have many resources about how couples who had sex before marriage have rockier marriages than those who waited.
:rotfl: I see now my idea of scolding the fellow might seem harsh to the compassion preached by my predeceasor.
 
I know many people who got engaged who did not make it down the aisle. Engagement is a time for discernment. Diamonds may last forever, but not all engagements do. Sometimes when the relationship goes to that next level, one sees sides of a person they didn’t before.

Like their view of God and religion isn’t based on what’s right or wrong, but what they FEEL should be right or wrong. Differences start showing up, very fundamental differences. Sometimes enough to cause them not to proceed with a wedding.

Sometimes just pleasing God or the fact that something is the right thing to do should be reason enough. If you are that kind of person, you need to be with someone who believes that too.

He believes it’s “unrealistic” to stay chaste 6 more months or however long you’re going to be engaged? Does he believe it may be unrealistic to be chaste for 6 months of a difficult or dangerous pregnancy, or a job dislocation, or illness? What other things does he believe are difficult or unrealistic?

A very wise priest I know tells people who sleep together before marriage that what they are telling their spouse-to-be is that they don’t believe they have to be married to someone to have sexual intercourse with them.

Think about that.

That reality can come back to haunt you during a marriage. When you need to believe that person would never sleep with someone they weren’t married to, someone besides you.

And engagements are NOT marriages. It’s the difference between taking a contract out on a new house and actually obtaining the title and keys. I’m sure he can accept that in one instance, he’s allowed to go in the house and move in his furniture and sleep there and in the other instance, it’s not his house yet and he can’t just walk in. It’s the difference between deciding you want the car on the lot and telling the salesman, and being able to just drive off in it. It takes a signature on a piece of paper. But that “piece of paper” matters. It’s the difference between owning a car and grand theft auto. A marriage license matters.

Don’t give in to his pressure. And you do realize something important about your fiance, don’t you? That he doesn’t seem to take your no for an answer, even if it’s something very critical to you.

Proceed with caution.
 
:rotfl:
This thread made me laugh, too. To scold or not to scold this fellow who wants to put his hand into the cookie jar before dinner? 😛 I know one thing, when we were children, we were never permitted to eat sweets before having dinner, our mother told us that would take away our appetite. 😉
 
Still being “newly” wed (<2 years), let me tell you how amazing it is to be chaste before your wedding! Both my DH and I were um, not so chaste, in past relationships and it was so different, so amazing that first time I could be with him on our honeymoon! I wish I could just send all my (and DH’s) crazy thoughts and feelings about how it is worth the wait over to you & your fiance, but alas! words fail me.

All of the above responses are wonderful. Take them to heart and use this time to discern your relationship.

If you haven’t already, check out Christopher West’s “Theology of the Body for Beginners”. And pray together. Someone once told me that the most intimate thing a couple could do together is pray together, to truly bare their souls to God and to one another. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t hurt your marriage preparations if you got started on that bit of intimacy instead. 😉

Congratulations, good luck, & God bless!
 
It might not be “realistic” to get all your sums in basic arithmetic correct, but isn’t that the whole purpose of arithmetic?
 
If the two of you have been chaste thus far, why stop now when the finish line is in sight?! It would be like training for a marathon, running 25 miles and then stopping with 1 mile to go. Why do that?

I soooooo wish I could say to my children, how do I know it’s possible to remain chaste until marriage? Look at your father and I, we did it. Sadly, I can’t say that. How awesome it would be if you could! 👍
 
Liberanosamalo said:
I know many people who got engaged who did not make it down the aisle. Engagement is a time for discernment. Diamonds may last forever, but not all engagements do. Sometimes when the relationship goes to that next level, one sees sides of a person they didn’t before.
…
And you do realize something important about your fiance, don’t you? That he doesn’t seem to take your no for an answer, even if it’s something very critical to you.

Proceed with caution.
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On a more serious note… Sobering and excellent advice from Liberanosamalo, as usual. Suppose, just suppose, a little voice inside starts telling you that you are not meant for each other… but you are already sleeping with him… you will feel trapped… so much more difficult to break up… your intellectual, discerning ability blurred by a rush of hormones… may end up in a bad marriage, one that you could have avoided if only you didn’t give in to psychological pressure and lust…

Yes, engagement is still a time of discernment, and it should be. Stay sober and don’t give in to pressure.
 
Joseph_L_Varga said:
On a more serious note… Sobering and excellent advice from Liberanosamalo, as usual. Suppose, just suppose, a little voice inside starts telling you that you are not meant for each other… but you are already sleeping with him… you will feel trapped… so much more difficult to break up… your intellectual, discerning ability blurred by a rush of hormones… may end up in a bad marriage, one that you could have avoided if only you didn’t give in to psychological pressure and lust…

Yes, engagement is still a time of discernment, and it should be. Stay sober and don’t give in to pressure.
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I’ll second this. And why isn’t your ‘no’ good enough for him? If you are not comfortable with the idea, especially for moral reasons (it’s a MORTAL sin), then that should be the end of the story. He’s thinking about himself, it seems, more than you right now.

Contrast that to my fiance, who is willing to wait EVEN AFTER WE’RE MARRIED if I’m not ready emotionally (had some bad experiences when I was young, I’m paranoid about sexual things to this day).

And YES, it’s realistic. Check out my wedding ticker below. He popped the question at the end of July last year. We’re still virgins. There is another thread in Family Life with a whole crew of people who are not living together before marriage, and who are saving sex for marriage. Why are we doing this? Because we LOVE our fiances, and we do NOT want to tarnish their souls with sin.
 
My husband and I dated for over 4 and a half years followed by a year long engagement.

It certainly IS possible.
 
Good point, Pumpkinbeast. Imagine someday after decades of marriage and you become widowed… would you want to think of your spouse’s soul having to bear even one moment of suffering in Purgatory because of an action YOU were complicit in? That is the meaning of real love. The purpose of marriage is to help each other achieve salvation. He’s off to a pretty bad start if he wants to remove you from the grace of God before he has even said his vows.

You didn’t ask and it’s not my business, but just consider in your head what his attitude toward whether NFP is “realistic” or will you be expected to use artificial birth control as a married woman to please him too? Now is his chance to show you if he has the self control to be a good husband.
 
Is this boyfriend Catholic? Why would the fact that it is wrong in the eyes of God not be good enough? Keeping from sin should be good enough for any Christian.
 
Yes it is realistic. Because:
a) If you can’t say no, your yes means nothing.
b) Your body makes a promise, even if you don’t.

-mike
 
From the Catechism:

[2350](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/2350.htm’)😉 Those who are engaged to marry are called to live chastity in continence. They should see in this time of testing a discovery of mutual respect, an apprenticeship in fidelity, and the hope of receiving one another from God. They should reserve for marriage the expressions of affection that belong to married love. They will help each other grow in chastity.
link: scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s2c2a6.htm
 
This isn’t exactly what you’re looking for, but if you can’t be a good example, you might as well be a horrible warning.

I did wait prior to engagement, but after we got engaged, I did give in to the pressure of my fiance afterwards. By the time we got married, I had learned things that made me seriously question my decision. However, I was also pregnant. So I went ahead and married him.

I am now divorced from a man who had a girlfriend during our engagement, and marriage, and would not keep a job, or stop spending money that we did not have. I did not know about the girlfriend, but I did know he was not very responsible, and didn’t treat me as well as I deserved. But I married him to ‘cover up’ my sin.

Obviously I’m not saying your fiance has issues like mine did. But starting down a road where you have to try to ‘cover up’ sin is never wise. This is a time when you need a clear head - you are making a decision to last a lifetime.
 
Yeah, what everyone else said … with the added point that it can be done – my fiance and I are.

Sometimes it feels almost silly – I feel so close to him already, and we’re very committed to each other. Why is it that to sleep together the night of June 26th is wrong, but to sleep together the night of June 27th (the wedding night) it’s okay?

Well, because the night of June 26th I could still walk away. I could be about to go down the aisle and change my mind. If I’d had sex with him, I wouldn’t be able to make myself do that, even if I would otherwise think it was the right thing to do. On the night of June 27th, I will be completely committed – it makes all the difference in the world.

I urge you to make sure that your boyfriend is completely on board with this, and not just going along with you, waiting for you to change your mind. Why? Because you’re going to feel like changing your mind now and again, and you’re going to need to know you can trust him to say, “No, we’re staying chaste.” It really takes two to be chaste – because each of you is going to have moments when you’re weak.

Newsflash, in case you didn’t know – staying chaste is HARD. It’s sanctifying. Yet another reason to do it.

Anyway, if he really loves you, he’ll understand that trying to talk you into something that’s against your morals is using you. If you don’t want to do something, it’s his job to accept that and back you up. What, is he going to be resentful if you feel sick later on in your marriage and don’t want to? What if you’re recovering from childbirth? Probably (hopefully) the answer is “of course not!” Why? Because he cares more about you than he cares about having sex with you. Right?
 
mnk25 said:
I am struggling convincing my boyfriend about the need to remain chaste even after engagement. For him it is just unrealistic. Can someone help me out please? What response can I give that is reasonable, other than just to please God or it being the right thing to do.Any advice will be highly appreciated.
Click to expand...
You gotta ask him not to manipulate you. You are not his wife, he is not your husband. end of story. Right now I am discerning a relationship with a guy who has been engaged before and whose engagement was broken off. I am happy he didnt’ go all the way with this girl.

You need to demand that this guy respects your purity and wants to make a saint out of you. if he pressures you to sex then you gotta let him go, simple as that. Choose Christ.

How will a man be the spiritual leader of his household if he leads his beloved to sin even before they are married? Such behaviour will create resentment between the two of you for a long time even into marriage.

Take a step back. Ask him to love you enough to respect you. You are a Temple of the Holy Spirit and if he does what he wants he makes a fornicator out of you both, leave you scarred for a looong time, and you guys wont be able to be role models for your children in the area of chastity. Okay? I think this latter point is really important.

Peace. For more resourses: www.pureloveclub.com
Make him read it too and listen the speech “Romance without Regret”. This is about how a REAL man will treat his fiance…
If he needs his girlfriend to tell him why to respect her purity and body and his own then he has a long way to go.

👍
 
I just want to say a big thank you. Sometimes all we need to know that there are some people out there who are still living their faith, not matter the distance between us, you still remain a big inspiration. The battle is obviously not an easy one but it is one that has to be, and is worthwhile fighting. In my case even if it will mean losing him.

Pumpkinbeast, you are such an inspiration, best wishes as you prepare for the d-day. wifey thanks for the advice too and best wishes to you and your husband. Liberanosamalo, Joseph and everyone else, thank you so much too. I hope you keep us in your prayers.

The thing is I explained to him why it is a no for me to have sex in relationships, not even after marriage. I quoted our Lord’s call for all to be holy and I cited some useful material backing chastity . And he claimed to have independent views and this is when he said it is unrealistic after to insist on not having sex after engagement. He is catholic but he thinks I am too religious and don’t seem to be leaving in the real world and this often bars me from looking at things in realistic terms. Realistic term he said is what is often considered to be secular but then again we are not living spiritual world alone but also a secular one which is I think the very reason Jesus in his devine nature took on human aspects such as flesh and experienced realism of what it means to be on this planet although this did not make him vulnerable to sin like we often are.

My worry is that if he is not convinced of this, while we are not anywhere near each other it will be impossible if we are and for me that worries me too much. But I think I may seem too selfish just wanting things done my way, which is actually not my way but rather God’s way for I am as vulnerable as he is.

I’ll end here for now and thanks once again.

God bless you abundantly.
 
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