Chastity after engagement: Is it realistic?

[Joseph_L_Varga]

That’s exactly right, you are not of this world, mnk25, even if you are now physically located in this world. But you are spiritually located in God’s world as long as you faithfully follow him, and that causes the tension. Jesus said something like “you are not of this world, I took you out of it”.

What Jesus did is also utterly unrealistic, he the Creator let his creatures capture and crucify him. He the sinless and pure, died for us sinful people. And if you read the biography of St. Francis of Assisi, you will see that he is as crazy and unrealistic as one can possibly get! (but you just cannot stop loving him, he is such a sweet fool for Christ )

There’s no way around this, we are all called to become crazies and fools in this world’s eyes!

 

[mnk25]

‘‘The thing is I explained to him why it is a no for me to have sex in relationships, not even after marriage.’’

Sorry I meant sex not even after engagement.

 

[Lucky7]

‘‘The thing is I explained to him why it is a no for me to have sex in relationships, not even after marriage.’’

Sorry I meant sex not even after engagement.

LOL…okay!!!

 

[cthulhubryan]

My DW and I have been married over 14 years. We love each other desperately and have overcome bad times and enjoyed good times. If any marriage can be said to be “rock solid” I would say that ours is. Our one regret? We were not chaste during the engagement.

Trust me, sex is great! It is awesome, but you will enjoy everything about it more if you wait until you are married.

The first time you make love should be done as man and wife. Otherwise it is really just a random coupling with a well known stranger.

 

[Arlene]

He is catholic but

But what??? That ranks right up there with “I love you, but…”

he thinks I am too religious

Those words alone scare me. Honey, you need to tread very carefully here. Take it from someone who has been married for almost 27 years. If he tells you even before you are married that you are “too religious”, he is being honest with you. He is showing his true colors. He is showing your right from the get-go that he will not be stepping up the the plate to take his place as the spiritual head of your household.

Think down the road to when there are children. In the “real world” there will be the temptation to sleep in on Sunday mornings, go on a family outing, hang out with the famly. Oh, oh, the “too religious” mommy is making us go to Mass. The “real world” will have sports practice, hanging out with friends, and watching TV or playing video games, but the “too religious” mommy is making us go to CCD.

What about when he decides there are enough children? The “real world” solution is to go get the problem fixed. The “too religous” wife is left with a broken heart knowing that her husband has put his own will over God’s plan. Ok, that may be TMI but you get the picture.

Once he has set the stage that he is the “realistic” one and you are the “too religious” one, married life will be one of two things: 1)One compromise after another or 2)One taking a stand after another.

Is this really how you want your marriage to be?

I will pray for you. Either way, you have some hard choices to make.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Those words alone scare me. Honey, you need to tread very carefully here. Take it from someone who has been married for almost 27 years. If he tells you even before you are married that you are “too religious”, he is being honest with you. He is showing his true colors. He is showing your right from the get-go that he will not be stepping up the the plate to take his place as the spiritual head of your household.

Think down the road to when there are children. In the “real world” there will be the temptation to sleep in on Sunday mornings, go on a family outing, hang out with the famly. Oh, oh, the “too religious” mommy is making us go to Mass. The “real world” will have sports practice, hanging out with friends, and watching TV or playing video games, but the “too religious” mommy is making us go to CCD.

What about when he decides there are enough children? The “real world” solution is to go get the problem fixed. The “too religous” wife is left with a broken heart knowing that her husband has put his own will over God’s plan. Ok, that may be TMI but you get the picture.

Once he has set the stage that he is the “realistic” one and you are the “too religious” one, married life will be one of two things: 1)One compromise after another or 2)One taking a stand after another.

Is this really how you want your marriage to be?

I will pray for you. Either way, you have some hard choices to make.

I absolutely agree with this. As a married couple you will face moral decisions over and over, and if he is not with you on those, it will just be an uphill battle. Catholicism is a way of life, not something we participate in once a week at Mass. Everything, from how you live your married life, how many kids you have, how they will be raised, etc etc is influenced by your beliefs. I personally felt that knowing marriages can have struggles that show up on their own, I didn’t want to go in setting a stage for that by marrying someone who would be constantly putting up a battle in the spiritual field. It has been such a blessing to know that in so many things, if we are not sure, all we have to do is seek what the Church teaches and know we are doing the right thing. Some times the right thing isn’t the easiest (like remaining chaste during engagement) but it is what is best for us and it is much easier when we are both battling on the same side. DH and I were virgins when we got married, so I can say it is very realistic and very possible. And we weren’t weirdos living in bubbles, we lived in a very real world with very real lives while we were engaged. I was a college student and he worked. We did live far apart, but he did come visit a few days at a time and we would hang out like normal people, enjoying college life activities etc.

 

[Mark77]

I am struggling convincing my boyfriend about the need to remain chaste even after engagement. For him it is just unrealistic. Can someone help me out please? What response can I give that is reasonable, other than just to please God or it being the right thing to do.Any advice will be highly appreciated.

God Bless you!

You are right, don’t let your boyfriend or others in society who promote the “It’s Just unrealistic” attitude to sway you. They are wrong, it is realistic and it is better for both of you.

The engagement is a time to discern if this person is someone you will commit the rest of your life to, not to be distracted by sex.

If “it’s unrealistic” then fidelity will probably be unrealistic after marriage as well.

Having been married for almost 30 years, with 3 beautiful children, I can tell you that true love is not about sex (although it is a beautiful gift when shared between a man and a woman giving themselves to each other completely and fully open to the procreative act).

True love is a selfless commitment to your partner, unconditional, just as the sinless Jesus died for our sins on the Cross.

Explain your wishes to remain chaste and the reasons why to your boyfriend. If he is unwilling to sacrifice for you, then he is not worthy of you. Sometimes love is difficult.

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

Mark

 

[mnk25]

Thank you all for all your responses once again. A great inspiration you all are to me and may the Lord reward you abundantly. The advice I have received is invaluable.
For all who have promised your prayers, thank you too for I need the grace to do the right thing and for perseverance.
God bless you all. may He keep the fire burning.

 

[chevalier]

I am struggling convincing my boyfriend about the need to remain chaste even after engagement. For him it is just unrealistic. Can someone help me out please? What response can I give that is reasonable, other than just to please God or it being the right thing to do.Any advice will be highly appreciated.

Realism is not a concern. Engagement is not yet marriage. People will often say they don’t want to wait so long, but it’s not so much about not wanting to wait as it is about not wanting to make a life-long promise without first having sex.

By contrast, we believe that sex is a very important part of marriage, but is an expression of the love and the sacrament that binds the spouses. It cannot be reduced to a physical event and exchange of pleasure. It has to stay in its specific context. We have the sacrament to pull us through it. We don’t need “sexual matching” or any try-before-buy kind of arrangements.