Chastity, American Culture, and dating in your 30's

[Flopfoot]

For those who broke the rules, played the game, and now have a family and etc., this is what I think. The end doesn’t justify the means - I recognise that they still sinned and it would have been better if they had not done that. However, I don’t hold grudges or hold it against them - God forgives them if they are repentant so I should too. I try not to be jealous of them, but rather to be happy for them, the same as I would for any other happily married couple.

Doesn’t mean it’s not difficult to me. Sometimes the best thing to do is close your eyes to any statistics that tell you otherwise and just go with what you have always thought - that I am going to remain chaste, that remaining chaste is better than sinning, that what goes around comes around and that in the long run sinning will never make things better for anyone, while those who do it the hard way and choose not to sin will be better off.

How do I resist when the temptation is not due to lust alone but due to the pain of loneliness? Well, I have been lonely a lot in my life and I just do whatever I can about it (eg, spend more time with friends and family to make up for not having a girlfriend / spouse) and whenever I can’t do anything about it I just try to accept it, get used to it, and pray for God to get me through the lonely times. (Going to Adoration helps). Like Isaiah says (50:7), I set my face like flint. And then I rejoice that God has given me the guts to resist temptations and the strength to be able to deal with hard times.

Lately I have had a particulary hard time, I’ve had a lot of frustration. I’ve also been really jealous of this guy who just turned up and ‘took’ a girl I have liked for ages. And I have been getting my hopes up only to get smashed down again. And I have been more tempted than usual to do stuff I wouldn’t usually do - just like you’ve been talking about. But you know, #### happens. I just gotta get on with my life, trey concentrate on family and friends and university and God, appreciate what I do have rather than get down about what I don’t have.

 

[JCPhoenix]

I have to respond to this thread and I am both encouraged and highly offended by what I have read so far.

I am 31. I am single. I could go out and find “someone” at any time, but that would require moral sin and at best, a temporary connection.

I have tried the online orthodox Catholc forums, and I have met friends there…one who has since discerned that he is called to be a priest. (We did not date, only became friends).

I have not always been chaste or celibate and I will suffer those consequences for the rest of my life. One cannot take back one’s innocence and I have only met 2 women who have not regretted their “first time”.

You can put your faith and trust in the promiscuous world, but it will bring you nothing but misery as it has brought me. You can put your faith in Mr. or Ms right-for-now, but they will only lead you to damnation, if not physical, then eternal or both. What is the point in that?

Or you can put your faith in God, go spend some time in the “desert” of singledome like me, and you can discern what God is calling you to be. Maybe you’re suppsed to be Single-for-Now. Maybe you’re supposed to be Single-until-Marriage-and-kids. Maybe you’re supposed to be Single-forever.

I am a single woman, and maybe no one will ever want me for a wife or have me for a wife and that’s all subject to God’s will. There is no marriage in Heaven, and so if I die next year, or in 60 years or even tomorrow, at least I leave no one to grieve through a life without me. Maybe we as Singles are called to something special and we should work more on God’s will and focus less on what the world wants of our our private parts.

I define myself as Catholic first, woman second and daughter/sister/etc. third and citizen fourth. It’s all about God and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with this and still, I fight it.

Until we realize who’s in charge, married, single, divorces or widowed, we’re never going to get it.

 

[Philena]

When my ex and I went to “Engaged Encounter” (a useless exercise, but off-topic), out of 30 couples, I’d say that over 3/4 of them were already living together.

It is very hard to stay chaste. And I think that the Church, at least on the parish level, does not give much support to unmarried people, especially divorced ones.

It’s worth it, I’m sure, to remain chaste before marriage. But it’s hard. And I hate hearing lectures from married people about remaining chaste. They got theirs, so to speak.

Personally, I’m giving up on men because in my age group (40-50) there are no good ones left. That helps me remain chaste

Speaking from experience, it’s better to be in no relationship at all then in a lousy, abusive relationship with the wrong man.

 

[T1pp]

All,

I just want to say that I was wrong for questioning church teaching in an open forum such as this without regarding who may be reading it. It was also wrong for me to treat some of you the way I did. For these things I apologize to you, to the Church, and to God.

I will no longer be signing on to CAF or visiting the site. Please understand that is not out of animosity. It is just best for me to discuss my struggles one on one with my priest.

God Bless

 

[Kay_Cee]

T1pp:

As single male in his mid-thirties, I’ve found balancing dating and my catholic faith to be biggest challenge I have ever faced. This thread is not for just for me, but all of us single Catholics in our late 20s, 30, and 40s. How do we reconcile the teachings of our church with our cultural norms? How do we resist when the temptation to break chastity is not due, so much, to lust but due to the pain of loneliness? How do we feel about our peers who “broke the rules”, played the game, fell in love, got married, and now have a family?

For me, chastity has become a commitment that I have to make anew each day. To think beyond that scares me to death, because I have to accept that I may end up alone because of it. My commitment has recently cost me a relationship and I even had a family member question my sexuality. Is it worth it? Or do we just play the game that seems to work for everyone else to get to the brass ring of marriage and hope we don’t die along the way before we make it to confession? Sometimes that’s a hard question to answer. Anyway, this thread is for all those who are going through the same thing. How do you cope? Let’s support each other.

I don’t know how much support I can give (since I am a woman), but I can tell you that you are exactly the kind of guy I was looking for when I was a thirty-something single.

Hang in there. One thing that might help is knowing that if you find the right woman (one who’s also chaste), you can be confident she’s unlikely to ever cheat on you, since she wouldn’t cheat on you even before she met you. You would be giving that same assurance to her–and isn’t your potential wife worthy of such an assurance?

I waited until I was married, and I married at age 35. Women like me are out there. You just need to look in the right place. I recommend looking in your local parish, Catholic singles clubs, Ave Maria singles, and places like that where you are more likely to encounter a chaste woman. And, BTW, staying chaste until marriage greatly increases your chances for a successful and happy marriage.

 

[JimG]

Philena:

When my ex and I went to “Engaged Encounter” (a useless exercise, but off-topic), out of 30 couples, I’d say that over 3/4 of them were already living together.
It is very hard to stay chaste. And I think that the Church, at least on the parish level, does not give much support to unmarried people, especially divorced ones.

Sounds to me like Philena’s post proves T1pp’s point. I’ve informally observed the change in culture of which he speaks. Chastity is never easy, but in my long lost youth, the culture pushed heavily in the direction of reinforcing it. Parents, teachers, schools, society at large, both religious and secular, expected young people to refrain from sexual intimacy until marriage. Going against that expectation could turn one into a pariah.

Today, the expectations often seem to be directly opposite, and those who go against societal expectations can branded as weird or worse. It just means that if one tries to date now in the manner that was expected of a my generation, the dating pool is going to be quite a bit smaller.

 

[Myangel]

JCPhoenix:

I have to respond to this thread and I am both encouraged and highly offended by what I have read so far.

I am 31. I am single. I could go out and find “someone” at any time, but that would require moral sin and at best, a temporary connection.

I have tried the online orthodox Catholc forums, and I have met friends there…one who has since discerned that he is called to be a priest. (We did not date, only became friends).

I have not always been chaste or celibate and I will suffer those consequences for the rest of my life. One cannot take back one’s innocence and I have only met 2 women who have not regretted their “first time”.

You can put your faith and trust in the promiscuous world, but it will bring you nothing but misery as it has brought me. You can put your faith in Mr. or Ms right-for-now, but they will only lead you to damnation, if not physical, then eternal or both. What is the point in that?

Or you can put your faith in God, go spend some time in the “desert” of singledome like me, and you can discern what God is calling you to be. Maybe you’re suppsed to be Single-for-Now. Maybe you’re supposed to be Single-until-Marriage-and-kids. Maybe you’re supposed to be Single-forever.

I am a single woman, and maybe no one will ever want me for a wife or have me for a wife and that’s all subject to God’s will. There is no marriage in Heaven, and so if I die next year, or in 60 years or even tomorrow, at least I leave no one to grieve through a life without me. Maybe we as Singles are called to something special and we should work more on God’s will and focus less on what the world wants of our our private parts.

I define myself as Catholic first, woman second and daughter/sister/etc. third and citizen fourth. It’s all about God and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with this and still, I fight it.

Until we realize who’s in charge, married, single, divorces or widowed, we’re never going to get it.

:clapping: I completely agree.

Originally Posted by T1pp
I will no longer be signing on to CAF or visiting the site. Please understand that is not out of animosity. It is just best for me to discuss my struggles one on one with my priest.

The best person to talk to. Maybe you ought to get yourself a spiritual adviser, if anyone can help you through your struggles it would be a priest.

 

[Alberich]

1ke:

I disagree that the church is hypocritical on this issue. I disagree that people who are committed to chastity are so rare as to be non-existent. I can tell you that almost my entire peer group (ie, the Catholics I know through my parish and pro-life activities) of Catholic friends were chaste before marriage.

I think I understand where T1pp is coming from here. I mean, if I look at everyone in my entire peer group that is/was chaste before marriage, and then I compare that with the size of the entire parish, the number is staggering. Maybe 1% of the parish? Maybe 2%. Give that a couple generations, and we’re outta here. (And that’s even assuming that chaste parents will have chaste kids!)

On the other hand, if you take what I call “The Augustinian Approach”–e.g., do what you will when young, but repent and become chaste later in life–your chance at finding someone jumps dramatically.

Does this mean that we should go around stealing all the apples we want? I don’t think so… But I think that this is certainly one of the Church’s weak points.

So often, it seems that the Church fights against homosexual marriage, but it really does turn a blind eye to other forms of unchaste behavior. Look at the press Minneapolis/St. Paul gets when the gay marriage proponents wear their rainbow sashes to Mass. Who can name any similar outrage from the Church when we hear of (gasp!) heterosexual sex outside of marriage? We really don’t–it’s no big deal. That’s the message we hear, and that’s how we (as a group) tend to act.

So, what’s the solution? Does God really intend for a small percentage of us to become married? Is this his way of boosting the religious vocations? Or does He just want a whole bunch of us running around alone, wishing we were somewhere else? (Let’s face it–there are few people who would really be happy in the single vocation. I think most would prefer marriage or religious life.)

Just my two cents…
Alberich

 

[wjp984]

Alberich:

I think I understand where T1pp is coming from here. I mean, if I look at everyone in my entire peer group that is/was chaste before marriage, and then I compare that with the size of the entire parish, the number is staggering. Maybe 1% of the parish? Maybe 2%. Give that a couple generations, and we’re outta here. (And that’s even assuming that chaste parents will have chaste kids!)

Alberich

Not true since my parents, well at least one of them, was not chaste and their marriage did not last. However, I still want to go right where they went wrong in my life and be chaste and hopefully one day meet someone to marry and have a family. As long as the world exists there will be good practicing chaste Catholics.