Im 18 years old, a senior in high school and I am a virgin. In my freshman year, my theology teacher gave a wonderful talk about chastity … I tell him [boyfriend] that it is something I am waiting for until marriage but I feel like he does not understand how important waiting is. … What else can I tall him to get the point across??
Jackie,
In the first place, sexuality for a man is different than that for a woman. You speak about how you two talk about everything – and you find that very attractive. That is normal intimacy for a woman – your boyfriend appears to have stronger touch based needs (which is typical in some males, not in others). The problem is that socially, these two impulses have replaced and confused the wider notion of love – which is what one is willing to do for another in spite of personal sacrifice. (eg: the difficult times)
Rather than condemn his motives (which might be appropriate – but I can’t know that) – I would rather concentrate on the final question you asked – things to talk about.
He doesn’t seem to understand – but the question is ‘why’ – and that is what you need to explore in your conversations.
There are good reasons, and bad reasons both of why this might be – and prudently, most posters are trying to help you avoid the worst reasons. Consider what they have said – and here are a few things I could add:
Sterotypically, men are seen as more prone to wanting “sex” just for the pleasure/rush of it and taking or leaving it – whereas women are seen as more likely to give in to sexual pressure if they love a man. ( Do you love me is a cruel question! )
But the stereotype hopefully is wrong in the case of your boyfriend, although he is certainly aware of it – and may be judging you based on it, mistakenly. Sometimes women give in for fear, or because they were taught it is “cool”, or even that to be equal with men they “need” to have sex to prove they can conquer too. (or perhaps the desperately need a husband – eg: low self opinion) etc. The problem is, each person is susceptible to different combinations of reasons why they might be misled or why they might be downright evil – and that isn’t how you want to see your boyfriend right now.
In this (honest) but sick loop, I can add that even church teaching gets watered down – where one is told that you marry each other, and hence sexuality is the seal of marriage. The problem is, then, how to reconcile waiting with true love – while at the same time not confusing the perfection of being a virgin (which he is not) with the fantasy of a perfect marriage.
Here are some general ideas of things which might be useful to bring up, and think about yourself –
The Catholic church forbids the private marriage of people when a public ceremony is possible (eg: all cases), so that one can’t marry as a Catholic without permission because what the church binds is honored by Jesus. eg: not only is it a sin, but it looses the blessing of God which will make the natural marriage very difficult later. ( even if it seems unfair, it’s true ).
If your boyfriend is susceptible to touch and the need of affection (which some men are, others definitely are not) gentle fiddling with his hair, or a gentle stroke on the cheek is about as good as sex – without the risk of sin. This form of communication is very important to a man who needs it – and the lack of both sexuality and touch is a very difficult thing for that kind of person.
However, certain kinds of affection for that person eg: kissing, tight chest hugs, etc, are very difficult to avoid going to their logical sexual conclusion – so should be avoided as a mercy to him. (whether he likes it or not.)
Here’s something far more important to discuss:
Within marriage you are taking an oath to protect your spouse from sexual temptation from without – and this goes both ways, to protect you and him – and, so, you need to recognize the very great burden you and he will have in marriage if you are not the touchy kind of person, and he is. What will it be like during times where you fight (there will inevitably be those times, pregnancy makes people VERY tired and grouchy sometimes).
Often, it seems, women do not understand the very intense emotional state being toyed with sexually can have on a husband.
Or perhaps they rationalize it since they don’t experience it themselves. Esp. since being close while dressing, undressing, is going to intensify his desire of being with you – being married is not necessarily easier than dating problems.
… continued …
(apparently i sound just like him sometimes, haha)
