Chatting with strangers on the net: a sin or not a sin

[Melodeonist]

Why on earth would talking to people be a sin? Talking to people is a good thing.

 

[LethalMouse]

Why on earth would talking to people be a sin? Talking to people is a good thing.

I think you missed reading the thread.

Summary: It was causing her to feel like doing bad things as a married woman. And the moral aspects are in relation to such. She is supposedly good now though.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Growing up in a large extended family, I mostly socialized with my cousins, most of whom are boys. We went hiking and looked for wild strawberries, collected grasshoppers and befriended stray cats.

Always felt more comfortable with men rather than women. I am not that attractive anyway so there is no danger of anyone of them falling for me.

My cousins and I went fishin’ instead!

At any party, I’m over with the men, talking politics, cars, horse racing. I’m sure the women consider this strange, perhaps even rude. But I am who I am.

 

[Sarcelle]

My cousins and I went fishin’ instead!

At any party, I’m over with the men, talking politics, cars, horse racing. I’m sure the women consider this strange, perhaps even rude. But I am who I am.

Same here.

Unless I want to talk about cooking or gardening, my favorite hobbies, then I am with mixed company.

With astronomy and engineering, my passions, than they are usually men. Yeah, I’m a nerd girl.

 

[Still_Hoping]

I think you missed reading the thread.

Summary: It was causing her to feel like doing bad things as a married woman. And the moral aspects are in relation to such. She is supposedly good now though.

I am better. So others may know, I have completely cut off all communications with the man. I feel better but I have struggles nonetheless. God bless.

 

[chevalier]

I am better. So others may know, I have completely cut off all communications with the man. I feel better but I have struggles nonetheless. God bless.

You always will. Even priests fall in love with women every now and then, they just (most of them) stick by their previous decision and don’t act on it.

Whatever gap it’s filling — default guess would be intelligent conversation and a bit of focused attention, fresh from daily routine — it’s possible to find it in the marriage also, though it may take more work than when it happens spontaneously between two people who experience mutual attraction (every relationship starts with novelty and later transforms into routine). But you could try thinking about it this way: having ‘forsaken all others’ means there’s only one realistic option on the table, and the rest are utopian distractions not worth thinking about, hence the rational solution is to focus energy on the marriage. Results may vary, but everybody knows putting countless hours into something (e.g. med school, physical exercise) usually makes a lot of difference.

Past a certain age humans tend to live on a day-after-day kind of basis without stopping to smell the roses. They experience discomfort from lack of this or that in their lives but won’t make active steps to attain it. For example they might even spend half a year meditating on not getting to go out but without even once trying to actually go out. (Or find time to read a book, reconnect with a friend, get in touch with extended family, get college credit — you name it.) The trick is to stop the thinking and start the doing. There’s only one life, and it only lasts so long. You’ve got to make the best out of yours, including your marriage. Don’t obsess over results and don’t be discouraged if you don’t see change for some time. Everybody’s curve is different, and sometimes it’s also like no progress for ages and then snap and rapid progress is being made (similar to learning languages or other subjects at school).

 

[Still_Hoping]

You always will. Even priests fall in love with women every now and then, they just (most of them) stick by their previous decision and don’t act on it.

Whatever gap it’s filling — default guess would be intelligent conversation and a bit of focused attention, fresh from daily routine — it’s possible to find it in the marriage also, though it may take more work than when it happens spontaneously between two people who experience mutual attraction (every relationship starts with novelty and later transforms into routine). But you could try thinking about it this way: having ‘forsaken all others’ means there’s only one realistic option on the table, and the rest are utopian distractions not worth thinking about, hence the rational solution is to focus energy on the marriage. Results may vary, but everybody knows putting countless hours into something (e.g. med school, physical exercise) usually makes a lot of difference.

Past a certain age humans tend to live on a day-after-day kind of basis without stopping to smell the roses. They experience discomfort from lack of this or that in their lives but won’t make active steps to attain it. For example they might even spend half a year meditating on not getting to go out but without even once trying to actually go out. (Or find time to read a book, reconnect with a friend, get in touch with extended family, get college credit — you name it.) The trick is to stop the thinking and start the doing. There’s only one life, and it only lasts so long. You’ve got to make the best out of yours, including your marriage. Don’t obsess over results and don’t be discouraged if you don’t see change for some time. Everybody’s curve is different, and sometimes it’s also like no progress for ages and then snap and rapid progress is being made (similar to learning languages or other subjects at school).

Thank you. I am at a crossroad in my life. I am studying to get my master’s, I work and I volunteer at the local church.

I think what one must be careful of is that one can develope a connection with a stranger that is magnetic. It makes you feel alive. That is the danger of chatting online.

 

[chevalier]

Thank you. I am at a crossroad in my life. I am studying to get my master’s, I work and I volunteer at the local church.

I think what one must be careful of is that one can develope a connection with a stranger that is magnetic. It makes you feel alive. That is the danger of chatting online.

Online, offline, same deal. Magnetism always is dangerous, largely because people have souls, not only bodies, and there’s so much more than just the outward physical features to draw a person, where we tend to underestimate the less physical factors.

Love or marriage is probably supposed to feel that way. It’s still supposed to be ‘ordered towards’ marriage. Meaning that what we feel is natural and normal, but what we’re supposed to do with it is closer to what grandparents and their grandparents did than what’s going on around us this day (though I don’t take a pessimistic view of people marrying for lover as opposed to e.g. combining two family farms or workshops together in a business deal; in fact, I favour the former).

 

[Still_Hoping]

Online, offline, same deal. Magnetism always is dangerous, largely because people have souls, not only bodies, and there’s so much more than just the outward physical features to draw a person, where we tend to underestimate the less physical factors.

Love or marriage is probably supposed to feel that way. It’s still supposed to be ‘ordered towards’ marriage. Meaning that what we feel is natural and normal, but what we’re supposed to do with it is closer to what grandparents and their grandparents did than what’s going on around us this day (though I don’t take a pessimistic view of people marrying for lover as opposed to e.g. combining two family farms or workshops together in a business deal; in fact, I favour the former).

So what did our grandparents do that was effective for a long, happy marriage? IMHO I feel that our society is so sex driven and infidelity is a common practice among the people. Furthermore, it is made easier through the internet.

 

[Xantippe]

So what did our grandparents do that was effective for a long, happy marriage? IMHO I feel that our society is so sex driven and infidelity is a common practice among the people. Furthermore, it is made easier through the internet.

Drop dead at 50.

 

[jmjZelie]

Drop dead at 50.

 

[chevalier]

Drop dead at 50.

Females in my family certainly tend to still be drop-dead at 50.

Guys less so but still traffic stoppers all right.

So what did our grandparents do that was effective for a long, happy marriage? IMHO I feel that our society is so sex driven and infidelity is a common practice among the people. Furthermore, it is made easier through the internet.

Not feeling entitled to a second chance — or as many chance as are needed, or guaranteed eventual success — goes a long way toward actually working on the relationship and fixing problems.

Modern people don’t want to compromise, adapt or develop or grow together. They want someone to match them, and they want it without work other than the search and the conquest (or the picking and the picking up as you prefer).

‘Throwaway culture’ also is an apt description.

I’m not badmouthing people here, I can relate. That is, I want nothing to do with divorce and everything to do with working on the relationship*, but I’m no different when it comes to wanting someone special. This is not a luxury people had, before — they just married one of the two or three girls or guys from a neighbouring village that were about the right age (give or take 10 years) and not too closely related, few met someone out in some (relatively) posh breeding grounds like the court of a liege. Now there’s more people around and geographical distances and political borders are less of a factor. But we become fussy and also lost in all the options.

For example I’ve run out of friends to consider romantically, I don’t really keep trick of unforbidden cousins, friends of extended family etc. and work countless hours at a 'puter with no need to see clients face-to-face, so all I’ve got left are academic conferences and industry events, and the women there have a propensity for gold rings and hyphenated names. At least those around 30. I’m open-minded and would marry someone half my age if I felt like it, but I’d still find it difficult to date my own student, which is what I tend to see people in early to mid twenties as being.

• Hypothetical, of course.

 

[Xantippe]

Not feeling entitled to a second chance — or as many chance as are needed, or guaranteed eventual success — goes a long way toward actually working on the relationship and fixing problems.

Modern people don’t want to compromise, adapt or develop or grow together. They want someone to match them, and they want it without work other than the search and the conquest (or the picking and the picking up as you prefer).

Well, I don’t know that our ancestors necessarily were better at compromise, adapting, developing or growing together. You mostly just put up with your spouse because you had to (with occasional recourse to poisoning/drugging or going out for a loaf of bread and not coming back). In some lucky cases, the problem spouse(s) would grow into mellow middle or old age, but of course there are other people that only get ornerier and ornerier, and in those cases the more flexible spouse (if any) would have more and more to put up with with age.

I actually think that we are living in a golden age for marriage, in that there have never been such a wealth of resources for figuring out how to deal amicably with each other. If we are at all capable of being good spouses, we have everything we need to do so.

 

[chevalier]

Well, I don’t know that our ancestors necessarily were better at compromise, adapting, developing or growing together. You mostly just put up with your spouse because you had to (with occasional recourse to poisoning/drugging or going out for a loaf of bread and not coming back). In some lucky cases, the problem spouse(s) would grow into mellow middle or old age, but of course there are other people that only get ornerier and ornerier, and in those cases the more flexible spouse (if any) would have more and more to put up with with age.

I actually think that we are living in a golden age for marriage, in that there have never been such a wealth of resources for figuring out how to deal amicably with each other. If we are at all capable of being good spouses, we have everything we need to do so.

More like split amicably, with equitable distribution of assets, unfortunately.

Back when there was no divorce people lived with each other because it was either that or choosing between loneliness and overt adultery, with no excuse or dressing-up such as civil remarriage. These days they’ll even split because their union is no longer as exciting as it was initially.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

More like split amicably, with equitable distribution of assets, unfortunately.

Back when there was no divorce people lived with each other because it was either that or choosing between loneliness and overt adultery, with no excuse or dressing-up such as civil remarriage. These days they’ll even split because their union is no longer as exciting as it was initially.

‘Back when there was no divorce?’

To what era do you refer? Hasn’t divorce been around a lonnnng, lonnnnng time?

 

[Still_Hoping]

‘Back when there was no divorce?’

To what era do you refer? Hasn’t divorce been around a lonnnng, lonnnnng time?

Of course it has been around. But polite society frowned upon it. Even in the mid 20th century it was uncommon to divorce. People were more likely to have discreet affairs and stay married. Some still do today. It is there way of keeping the family together and keeping their having their satisfaction.

I know the lure of the internet. It is easy to get lost in it.

 

[chevalier]

‘Back when there was no divorce?’

To what era do you refer? Hasn’t divorce been around a lonnnng, lonnnnng time?

Civil divorce in the Roman Empire survived the advent of Christianity by a while, but what history refers to as ‘divorces’ granted by mediaeval Popes was in reality nullity decrees in modern parlance. What Henry VIII wanted was not a divorce, it was a nullity decree that the then-pope did not consider justified, where the cases of kings were reserved the Pope, unlike ordinary lords and common people, for whom local bishops sufficed (kings commanded too much influence and obedience inside their kingdoms for royal ‘divorces’ to be left to the realm’s clergy). Protestants removed the absolute ban but were hardly fans of divorce proper. It took a long while until governments in Catholic countries enabled civil divorces or before they were made anything close to widely available and vaguely tolerable in Protestant societies.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Does making friends on the net with people of the opposite sex while being married constitute a violation of one’s vows or is this simply improper?

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Does making friends on the net with people of the opposite sex while being married constitute a violation of one’s vows or is this simply improper?

Depends who you’re asking and your behavior.

As can be seen from my previous posts, I grew up ‘one of the boys.’ All-boy neighborhood, Mostly boy cousins, and I continue to be that way. Many of my best friends online and off are Boys.

Not improper at all for me. Not a problem at all for me. For someone else? Can’t say. Won’t condemn OR encourage. You know your own heart far better than I do.

 

[Irishmom2]

What do you think of married people chatting with strangers on the net? Give your reasons why or why not.

Does making friends on the net with people of the opposite sex while being married constitute a violation of one’s vows or is this simply improper?

I think the answers you received for the first question still apply to your second question.

For some people, it is not a problem. For other people, it can lead to secrecy, betrayal, and infidelity. I agree with Sailor Kenshin that you know your own heart better than any of us.