Cheating Advice - Drunk

[needsomehelp]

I require the opinions and assistance of everyone here. I feel like I am dying and the grief is so much that I have been paralyzed and unable to do daily functions - like even feeding my pet fish.

Summary: Dating a wonderful woman for some time now, she even began looking at “rings” in magazines and playfully sending me the photos of them. She has saved herself for marriage, and left a couple of jobs/friends for me (on her own accord) because she felt they were inappropriate to be doing/staying while she is dating me. (music company job involved flirting) etc.

We have had a wonderful time… until this week… she went on vacation with her mother and her brother to Cuba for a week.

Last text I got from her was something along the lines of “love you!!! See you soon and remember i love you!!!”

Her text upon returning however was … not herself. Now here’s the rest of the story: Part II is the next post below - char. limit

So i dont even know how to start this but it has to be done and was eating at me every single day. My whole trip to Cuba was awful and a mental hell because of certain things i did. it all started with me going off my medication I believe as something in the past happened similarly to this when i decided to go off my meds. Been on them for over 4 years and i should have never stopped as it helped me a lot. Thought i could just get off them as i was really happy with you and thought things would be different, turns out it didnt matter. I think my meds were also treating me for a minor case of bi-polar. i dont know how to say this… so hard as I actually do love you but my actions would imply otherwise. I really didnt mean for this to happen and if i could take it back I would, whole trip was ruined and would wake up wishing I never even went there and was back with you; like everything was back to normal. i ruined everything. I had a lot to drink one night and well there is no easy way to say this, but this guy kissed me and i kissed back. It meant nothing but still; i cheated and I cant believe I did. This has somewhat happened before when i went off my meds before and i dont know why. thats no excuse or anything but its a fact. I threw away everything we had as i know now things cant be the same. I literally caused myself to be physically sick and took a lot of the anxiety pills i had packed in case something happened. I took more than you should and would just sleep to numb everything. the whole trip was ruined after this and i couldnt help but cry and hate myself every single day. suicidal thoughts even crossed my mind; i would never do it but the thoughts somehow made me feel better as I deserved such things.

I truly dont deserve you and am much sicker than i thought. I dont really know who I am anymore and i do actually hate myself. I just ruined our whole future and now nothing will ever be the same. Im so sorry for screwing things up for us and breaking your heart. I messed up your life, i know this; and my own. I really dont know what else to say, im so guilty and ashamed. feel like i can never be forgiven by God for all this. i know this is just going to make your OCD so much worse and break you. Had to tell you though of course. My mom knows as she helped me get through the long week when I pretty much was sick with guilt and dying of shame. Guess this means things are over between us and i screwed up everything. You could never look at me the same and I dont blame you. Not too mention i know you will tell your mom all this so she would hate me and look down on me. Seriously dont know that part of me and it scares me so much. Like i will never find happiness again as you were it and now thats gone. Im really worried for you and how you will take all this. You dont have to write back or anything i would understand completely. Dont expect anything from you anymore, ive gone and thrown it all away. so yeah i dont know what else to say anymore. In case you dont ever want to talk to me again, just want to say you were an amazing boyfriend that treated me like gold. You were the best bf I had ever had and i enjoyed our time together. You deserve so much more even if sometimes you dont think so or find your OCD habits taking control. I only wish you the best NAME and wished I could have been the one to make you forever happy. Im sorry again for all i have put you through.

 

[needsomehelp]

after some back and forth with questions… part II

She explain over texts that she got up and walked away from this fellow in an disco area (everyone was drinking, he got her drinks), he followed her outside. She told him she had a bf and walked away - he followed her. He went to kiss her and she moved out of the way, hitting her cheek with the kiss. This continued until she finally stopped moving and he kissed her on the lips. She said she had no idea what was going on and was deathly scared. She pushed him away thinking of what she would tell me and the next thing she knew was that she was returning his gropey/feely kiss… and that it was an “outer body” experience. She was drunk and so was he.

I will do my best to reply to everything. It kills to me to remember all the details as i hate every single one of them. i am so truly sorry for what i have done and so ashamed. in my life i have never done anything so wrong, stupid and outright hurtful. I really didnt know i could do that to someone i loved. This is something i will regret for the rest of my life.

1 & 2) I really dont want to give you the details because you will just imagine it all and put you through more unnecessary pain. But if you must its the very least i can do. after this i think we will part our separte ways as i cant live with myself with all the horrible things i have done. It started with a short kiss and i backed off and then he came again and i just resigned and kinda let it happen and yes tongue was involved and eyes closed. we kissed for about 5min before he started to feel me up and then i just wanted to leave. He placed my hand on his crotch area and so i touched it but moved my hand away after. i was having doubts about us that night thinking if you were really the one and this came up and i dont even know what i was thinking but i let myself loose control. as soon as it happened and i was walking back to my room i instantly regretted it and wanted to take it all back. If i was having troubles with us and thinking about certain things i should have just gone to you and we would talk it out.

1. i was in the club with my brother and the friends he made, a few were girls. it was around 1am and i was sticking around my brother as my mom asked me to, so i could watch out for him and make sure he didnt have too much to drink or get into trouble. we were all there together and i saw him get drinks and he would hand one to me which i drank of course, unfortunately. we didnt really talk that much as it was loud in there, just all congregated on the dance floor and that was that. I do not know how many drinks I had, but i did have a lot, nothing like my brother who was spinning and stumbling, but enough. I tried to take care of Luke but i couldnt even take care of my self, so shameful.
2. he was semi-attracted i suppose but its not like i wanted to make out with him when we met in the dance club. had no idea anything remotely would come close to what happened later. Did not use alcohol as an excuse at all to release any desires.
3. the why still eludes me. why did i throw everything away and hurt you in the most horrible way possible; it doesnt make sense. I cant believe i would do such a thing to anyone, let alone someone i love and care for. It wasnt because i though the guy was super attractive and just wanted to be close to him though. i was having mild second thoughts about us and in the beginning i had more control when i just had a couple drinks. as the night progressed though and i gave into peer pressure and had more drinks my actions lost all reasoning. we had something so good. a part of me thinks to myself maybe i didnt want to be happy, i have told you this briefly before once in the basement. That sometimes i feel like i cant allow myself to be so happy. it doesnt make sense. It is definitely apparent now that i do have commitment issues. The whole trapped thoughts were a clue; i guess it scares me to be with one person forever because i know things will come up and you have to work them out. what if people change like my mom and dad and then you live in a loveless marriage for over 10 years hating it all. How do you know when someone is the one. I sometimes felt like you were the one and then my OCD mind would bother me and ask me how and everything. What happened in cuba is quite obvious i am not the one for you…
4. you lacked nothing, it was me who ruined everything and for all this i am very sorry. i have caused you so much grief and unbelievable pain.

I dont think i deserve a second chance with you because this is all too much. How could i even feel good enough for you anymore. I would feel so low by your side and not worthy to be with you. Not too mention i could never face your parents ever again. i screwed it up way beyond fixing and for that i hate myself and will continue to do so for a very long time.

Last but not least - I got part 3 today which explained that this happened not once, but twice. She told me she felt so miserable after the first night it happened and that she knew it was over with me, that she got drunk to drown the sadness on day two and then the same thing happened. She was briefly fingered twice, and went back to his room to “cuddle” but left not shorter than 2 minutes being there because she felt awful.

I want to be compassionate and forgive her but I suffer from OCD - I have nothing but images in my head of her moaning to pleasure from some random stranger. I really don’t know what to do here. My family loves her, I love her, she is wonderful and this is completely out of character for it. She essentially is like me, but a female. I’m aghast and lost

I want to be the BIGGER MAN and remain with her. I believe that would make her extremely appreciative and want to make it work. - because she has fulfilled every desire in a woman and we have gotten along PERFECTLY…but this… it just… ruined me…

 

[1ke]

She kissed a guy. I hardly think this qualifies as being “aghast”.

I can’t believe you posted all her private info on here.

She clearly has some issues if she is indeed on medication for bi-polar. She is beating herself up over something really minor. You have issues if you are OCD.

So, I suggest that you both get some professional help for your respective mental problems.

 

[needsomehelp]

She kissed a guy. I hardly think this qualifies as being “aghast”.

I can’t believe you posted all her private info on here.

She clearly has some issues if she is indeed on medication for bi-polar. She is beating herself up over something really minor. You have issues if you are OCD.

So, I suggest that you both get some professional help for your respective mental problems.

Please read the thread some more. And her name/email is not shown anywhere - so please relax. I"m giving the proper context of the story.

 

[needsomehelp]

My questions are:

• Stay with her/worth saving? I love her dearly, she is still my world and for some reason I am calm right now, yet this repeated incident is something that warns me… I also want to tell her that alcohol is a nono from now on, but that is possessive. Need help…
• Why am I getting the info revealed in series/parts - is this a woman thing? It seems like lying to me - why not tell the whole story at once? I don’t understand. Woman please reply on this.

I phoned her today and mentioned these things:

• I still love you
• You deserve a 2nd chance
• I wan to try to fix this
• I understand your fears of ocd commitment and want to help you through them by being with you
• I understand people make mistakes
• I want to meet and begin to restore this
• My mother and father had similar issues and have been together for 47 years.
• I appreciate your honesty.

As I was saying those things, I could hear her crying on the phone as she said nothing. That’s when she told me about night #2 and laughed (sarcastically in tears I guess) that there is no way this would ever work and how low she feels.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

You posted all of this to basically say that your girlfriend kissed another guy. Yeah, it really doesn’t take as much time as you put into typing all that to say a simple sentence.

First of all, y’all are just dating. Secondly, it was just a kiss. Get over it or move on.

 

[needsomehelp]

You posted all of this to basically say that your girlfriend kissed another guy. Yeah, it really doesn’t take as much time as you put into typing all that to say a simple sentence.

First of all, y’all are just dating. Secondly, it was just a kiss. Get over it or move on.

Is everyone missing my other submissions? It was a kiss which led to a heated makeout, followed by fingering and feeling of body parts as well. I see 3 posts by me. I’m well aware of what it was and it was more than just a kiss - unless you missed some of what is posted.

Thank you for your non-helpful sarcastic advice too. It really helps when you are grieving.

I’m looking for coping techniques on how to keep it alive. I think the phone call was proper.

I also texted her and wrote "I have forgotten and forgiven what has just recently happened. I just want you the way you are now… to be back with you and your faults. Think about it (referencing us - she keeps saying no)

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

To those who have commented besides the OP, I think you all are overlooking a large segment of his posts about how his girlfriend did some inappropriate acts with another guy. So, I highly suggest reading the entire thing before immediately jumping to the conclusion that it was only a kiss and he better move on since he’s way overreacting.

To the OP: I understand your dilemma, and I think that this is a really tough decision. Your girlfriend violated your trust not once, but twice and did things that neither of you will forget. My advice is to really sort out whether you are invested in this relationship fully and believe that this will never happen again. If you can get past this, it might be helpful to work this out with your girlfriend either by yourselves or even in couple’s counseling. If you can’t, which is understandable, because this was not only cheating but also getting drunk (perhaps purposefully in the second case), and you’re unsure whether or not it could happen again, maybe a break would be the most beneficial thing. If necessary, seek direction from a priest or a counselor in order to work out your feelings and what is best for you both as a couple.

I really hope this helps, and God bless.

 

[needsomehelp]

To those who have commented besides the OP, I think you all are overlooking a large segment of his posts about how his girlfriend did some inappropriate acts with not one, but two guys. So, I highly suggest reading the entire thing before immediately jumping to the conclusion that it was only a kiss and he better move on since he’s way overreacting.

To the OP: I understand your dilemma, and I think that this is a really tough decision. Your girlfriend violated your trust not once, but twice and did things that neither of you will forget. My advice is to really sort out whether you are invested in this relationship fully and believe that this will never happen again. If you can get past this, it might be helpful to work this out with your girlfriend either by yourselves or even in couple’s counseling. If you can’t, which is understandable, because this was not only cheating but also getting drunk (perhaps purposefully in the second case), and you’re unsure whether or not it could happen again, maybe a break would be the most beneficial thing. If necessary, seek direction from a priest or a counselor in order to work out your feelings and what is best for you both as a couple.

I really hope this helps, and God bless.

I should clarify - it was the same person - not two different guys. I assume the second incident was due to overwhelming despair, combined with no medication and alcohol, along with anxiety pills.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Is everyone missing my other submissions? About the fingering and feeling of body parts as well? I see 3 posts by me.

Thank you for your non-helpful sarcastic advice too. It really helps when you are grieving.

You have 2 options. Either break up with her or continue with the relationship. Y’all are just dating.

 

[needsomehelp]

You have 2 options. Either break up with her or continue with the relationship. Y’all are just dating.

You really have no sympathy do you. There are lives, families, and feelings involved. Don’t bother responding to this thread anymore.

 

[CorieDreams]

Dear OP-

I understand that this is extremly upsetting ro you. Even if it’s “just dating,” you’re obviously getting serious

If this this a boyfriend of mine, I would give a second chance. People do stupid things when alcohol is involved. Does she get drunk often? or was that night just a mistake?

I would give her a second chance, but it’s going to take some very serious conversation between you two.

PS; I too have OCD and I understand the need to include eeevery minute detail. but I can also recognize that you’re being obsessive and telling us more than the situation needs.

 

[needsomehelp]

Dear OP-

I understand that this is extremly upsetting ro you. Even if it’s “just dating,” you’re obviously getting serious

If this this a boyfriend of mine, I would give a second chance. People do stupid things when alcohol is involved. Does she get drunk often? or was that night just a mistake?

I would give her a second chance, but it’s going to take some very serious conversation between you two.

PS; I too have OCD and I understand the need to include eeevery minute detail. but I can also recognize that you’re being obsessive and telling us more than the situation needs.

She does not drink to get drunk and told me long before we started dating. She dislikes it. She also doesn’t drink often in general. She suffers from ocd/bipolar where she constantly questions whether the person is the “right” one. We both have OCD.

I wanted to include everything to have a complete presentation so nothing is left out. I thought it would help.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

You really have no sympathy do you. There are lives, families, and feelings involved. Don’t bother responding to this thread anymore.

I wouldn’t advise spending money on counseling when y’all are just dating. If you can’t trust the person now, you aren’t going to be able to handle all the stress of being married with this person. Being girlfriend and boyfriend doesn’t equal forever and always. Sure it hurts, but heartbreaks just make you stronger. You live and learn. I have had hurtful break ups. I cried and was depressed and hated boys and yada yada yada. You pick yourself up and you move on. Only you and this girl know how good/bad your relationship was before this happened. Either forgive her or move on.

 

[CorieDreams]

She does not drink to get drunk and told me long before we started dating. She dislikes it. She also doesn’t drink often in general. She suffers from ocd/bipolar where she constantly questions whether the person is the “right” one. We both have OCD.

I wanted to include everything to have a complete presentation so nothing is left out. I thought it would help.

I do understand that, better than you think, I really do. But sometimes it has the opposite effect, and the important details can get lost in the text, you know?

With her bi-polar and her questioning her decisions like this, is something that needs to be counseled at the source. Alleiviating a particular “fear” does not solve the underlying issue. If she is not already, she should look into additional help. BiPolar is a terrible illness to face, let alone compiling OCD on top of it

 

[1ke]

I wouldn’t advise spending money on counseling when y’all are just dating.

I hope my post wasn’t misunderstood to mean couples’ counseling. I meant they each need professional help individually for their respective mental health issues.

Perhap being in a relationship is not the best thing for either of them at this point in their lives.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I hope my post wasn’t misunderstood to mean couples’ counseling. I meant they each need professional help individually for their respective mental health issues.

Perhap being in a relationship is not the best thing for either of them at this point in their lives.

No someone else said couple’s counseling.

 

[pentecostbaby]

No one else has mentioned how rape-y encounter one sounds?! She was drunk, and therefore could not consent to anything. She was also off psychiatric medication. He kept trying when the answer was clearly no and she said she was “scared”. This is not consensual. Nor, then, is she culpable for the second act, which was a result of fear and shame and medication and all kinds of things.
Rather than picture her moaning with pleasure, picture her scared. That’s the verb she used. Please help her. This has the potenial to seriously hurt her sexual self-image. She needs you desperately. Please encourage her to get counseling. You’re her boyfriend; it’s your job to put aside your anger and step up. If she’s as wonderful as you say, she’s worth it, and later, you will find your relationship even stronger for all this: because you put yourself aside to help her.
This isn’t to minimize everything that happened, but to explain why she’s losing it right now.

 

[angell1]

hey OP, you are in my prayers

i know how tough it can be. when i was 12, my entire world was turned upside down because of cheating. incenditally though, this is when i turned to the catholic church so god used it to his advantage. but that’s another story.

anyways, back to the topic at hand. yes, ultimately you must forgive her for this. now, if you’re not able to do it right away, it may take some time. whether or not you want to continue the relationship though is another matter which you have to discuss with her and decide for yourself. just for the record, forgiveness does not equal staying in a horrible situation for as long as possible.
it does sound like she is remorseful for her actions and would be willing to work something out. she also needs to go to confession probably and also learn to forvie herself. you can’t relaly move if she’s going to beat herself about for years to come. and odds are, if she feels that bad about this, she will either never be able to be in another relationship or will take the baggage over to a new person.

i hope this helps you a little. i don’t really have much experience with relationships so this is about the best i can do. god bless

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

No one else has mentioned how rape-y encounter one sounds?! She was drunk, and therefore could not consent to anything. She was also off psychiatric medication. He kept trying when the answer was clearly no and she said she was “scared”. This is not consensual. Nor, then, is she culpable for the second act, which was a result of fear and shame and medication and all kinds of things.
Rather than picture her moaning with pleasure, picture her scared. That’s the verb she used. Please help her. This has the potenial to seriously hurt her sexual self-image. She needs you desperately. Please encourage her to get counseling. You’re her boyfriend; it’s your job to put aside your anger and step up. If she’s as wonderful as you say, she’s worth it, and later, you will find your relationship even stronger for all this: because you put yourself aside to help her.
This isn’t to minimize everything that happened, but to explain why she’s losing it right now.

This is actually something I didn’t consider, but it is a really good piece of advice. I didn’t put it together at first, but I definitely agree that the first encounter was against her will. If the OP’s girlfriend was taken advantage of (which it definitely seems), I strongly urge her to get counseling like this poster has stated.