Cheating Advice - Drunk

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I know it is hard, but I read one thing over and over in those first posts. Namely, that she is through. Looking at it from a distance, I would say that she wants to move on and just needed to make a drama of it.

If I am wrong and if you want to give her a second chance, then at the very least, I would say you both have a long way to go before you can commit to each other freely for life. You would both need to address your own mental issues, as well as whether you can deal with the other person’s mental issues. In any case where there is depression or suicidal thoughts, then alcohol should be avoided 100%. That is another issue.
 
Good point, Pentacostbaby. I think we need to keep that in mind (although I’d like to know how intoxicated the man was as well, that coudl also have a factor in things)
 
pnewton said:
I know it is hard, but I read one thing over and over in those first posts. Namely, that she is through. Looking at it from a distance, I would say that she wants to move on and just needed to make a drama of it.

If I am wrong and if you want to give her a second chance, then at the very least, I would say you both have a long way to go before you can commit to each other freely for life. You would both need to address your own mental issues, as well as whether you can deal with the other person’s mental issues. In any case where there is depression or suicidal thoughts, then alcohol should be avoided 100%. That is another issue.
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You are saying she does not want me and did that as a way to finish it? Rather harsh no? Did you not read the messages that she posted?
 
Hi Needsomehelp, I need to read your posts once more but I wanted to give you a first feedback since you mention that you are feeling sick to the point where you are not able to function.

I recall what happened to a good friend of mine, almost 25 years ago. He got together with a really nice girl, who had however quite a bit of sexual history. I think all of us in this little circle of friends felt that “Luke” found a real special, nice girl, even if she had done some regrettable things in the past. Then, unfortunately, when they have been dating already for more than a year, some acquaintance visited her and somehow they ended up having sex. The girl (let’s call her “Irma”) was devastated, and my friend Luke was devastated. He probably felt like you feel now. Still, he stayed with her, because she was remorseful, and she truthfully came forward to let him know that she messed up. So anyway, fast forward some 25 years. They married, they have two children, they are happy together, and all of that heartbreak today is just a distant memory in the past.

Back to your case, take it slowly, one day at a time, by all means forgive her, and try to discern at leisure, with the help of spiritual advisors (priests) and mental help advisors, how to go forward, and whether you still have a chance of making this work.

It could be that her mind was playing tricks on her, once she went off her medication. She definitely needs to get back on her meds, because apparently those help her to stay balanced and to avoid doing hazardous things such as drinking too much, which directly led in this case to her losing her inhibitions and doing stupid things. It’s almost a textbook case that people with bipolar problems need to always stay on meds, because if they go off, they risk losing their inhibitions, they will do dangerous things, drink much, have promiscuous sex, go on extravagant shopping sprees, gamble away a lot of money, and the like. The human mind is like a machine, where the conscious mind keeps in check the irrational impulses of the unconscious mind. Bipolar people need medication to keep this machine running smoothly, for else they risk losing the ability of the conscious mind to always stay firmly in control, which is crucial for preventing episodes of lost inhibitions and hazardous behavior.

I would really love to see a happy ending to your present misery, since you say she is a great girl and you have been getting along well, previous to this trip of hers to Cuba. But take things slowly, one step at a time, and see where the Lord leads both of you. I hope and pray you can work this out, and you can stay together. I hope and pray she will be back in control of herself, once she is back on medication.

For now, take the first steps. Forgive her, and encourage her to get professional help, to get back on her meds. Also, you could benefit from a mental health professional helping you, don’t be too shy, or too macho, to seek out and accept help. In addition, do you have a good priest who would be willing to listen and advise you?
 
needsomehelp said:
You are saying she does not want me and did that as a way to finish it? Rather harsh no? Did you not read the messages that she posted?
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I am saying that is a possibility you may want to consider. She apolgizes throughout for ruining the relationship. There is an underlying theme throughout that thing are over, as opposed to contrition for the purpose of continuing the relationship. I read over the things you posted and can not remember one time she asked for you to take her back, or begged you to give her a second chance. I am sure you have read these a lot. Am I wrong?

This is not to say I am right, or there is still not chance for you even if I am right. I am just saying it is a possibility you should consider in any action you take.
 
pnewton said:
I am saying that is a possibility you may want to consider. She apolgizes throughout for ruining the relationship. There is an underlying theme throughout that thing are over, as opposed to contrition for the purpose of continuing the relationship. I read over the things you posted and can not remember one time she asked for you to take her back, or begged you to give her a second chance. I am sure you have read these a lot. Am I wrong?

This is not to say I am right, or there is still not chance for you even if I am right. I am just saying it is a possibility you should consider in any action you take.
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Fair enough - when she was crying on the phone she did mention that she wanted me though. I was asking her if she wanted to leave me - and she was screaming no. For what that’s worth…
 
Relationships: sometimes these things don’t work out.

I wasn’t about to read through the posts–way too long with way too many details. But the first impression was that she wants to end the relationship. If she didn’t, she would never have told you about what happened. I think your goose is cooked. You won’t be able to trust her any more. And let’s face it: she didn’t do anything she didn’t want to do. So she went off her meds. Unless she’s got some serious MH problems, going off meds doesn’t make you go crazy that much that quickly. And what’s going to happen the next time she goes off her meds?

Heck, one time I extricated myself from a budding relationship with a girl by starting a story with, “I was in a dance club, and I had a blonde on my right and a brunette on my left.” Which was, technically true. I sat and talked to them for about 10 minutes and then left. Without them. But I left that part out when I told her.

I feel for ya, because I’ve been there. I was in a serious relationship and the girl got in the habit of spending time with other guys, and every single time it happened she had a good excuse. It was miserable for a few months. But day by day I got over it and eventually met my wife.
 
needsomehelp said:
Fair enough - when she was crying on the phone she did mention that she wanted me though. I was asking her if she wanted to leave me - and she was screaming no. For what that’s worth…
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See. That is why I said only you can know.

Hey, if you both want to continue, there is no problem continuing to date, but I would think of it as a process that may take a while. You guys seem to have a lot to work out.
 
“I wouldn’t advise spending money on counseling when y’all are just dating. If you can’t trust the person now, you aren’t going to be able to handle all the stress of being married with this person. Being girlfriend and boyfriend doesn’t equal forever and always. Sure it hurts, but heartbreaks just make you stronger. You live and learn. I have had hurtful break ups. I cried and was depressed and hated boys and yada yada yada. You pick yourself up and you move on. Only you and this girl know how good/bad your relationship was before this happened. Either forgive her or move on.”

Yes.

I remember once hearing that in some jurisdiction (Russia, I believe), being drunk is not an alleviating (or whatever the terminology is) circumstance, but actually aggravates the crime.

If I were almost engaged to a man I was crazy about, I wouldn’t go near anybody else and I wouldn’t even want to. When I was dating and engaged to my future husband, I don’t think I even noticed other men.

As Kendra said, you’re not married. You’re not even engaged. Move on–find somebody that you can have complete confidence in.
 
Sorry, I posted without reading the emails from the girlfriend. Here are some more considered thoughts:
  1. She went on vacation, went off her meds, and hit the booze, all at the same time. What a terrible idea.
  2. I don’t think the “I was drunk” excuse works if you do it two nights in a row.
  3. Even if this was just a one-off, as your girlfriend pointed out, your OCD (and probably hers, too) is going to be an almost insurmountable obstacle in getting over this.
I was wondering if I was shooting from the hip in telling you to move on without reading the stuff from the girlfriend, but now that I’ve read it all, I think that the most prudent thing to do is to move on. This may break your heart, you might really have had a chance at happiness together, but this is awfully shaky ground to build a marriage on. I wouldn’t want to bring innocent little babies into this situation.

I think both of you deserve a fresh start with different people. Find somebody to date who, while she may have done the same or much worse in her past, hasn’t done it while dating you. Virginity, chastity, and faithfulness are related but somewhat distinct concepts. Your girlfriend may technically be a virgin, but both her chastity and her faithfulness to you are iffy, to say the least.

Best wishes!
 
OP,

You say you want opinions, but then you bristle when you get one you don’t like. I skimmed your post to be honest; it’s too long.

I get that she drank and cheated on you. I would be wary of going much further with this girl. Drinking is a huge cause of cheating. Add in bipolar, meds, and then the second night when she cheats out of what? Self-loathing? And with her mother there? Sorry, not for me. Maybe you can draw back and see if she can get her act together, but I am not sure that I would commit to her at this point. Keep looking.

Sorry, but that’s what I would do.
 
There’s a pretty hard rule I keep with girls who think that I’m their boyfriend. If they go to parties/clubs without me, they are no longer my girlfriend. It is a terrible decision to make with the way that alcohol-filled clubs and parties are these days, and more often then not, it’s a conscious decision to put themselves in an occasion of sin, so to speak.

Just my :twocents:
 
Hi Needsomehelp,

First, I really wish you gave both your ages. I think you have a good chance of working through this. I think it will take time, and professional counseling will most likely be needed. What struck me most, was in her texts to you, she sounds so remorseful that she absolutely hates herself, and it’s so intense she can’t even imagine that you would even consider forgiving her. I don’t see this as her wanting to end things. I see it as a good sign that you 2 can work this out. I guess she’s a virgin, and now she thinks she’s not, and she is acting like a woman who was raped might behave. In a way she was raped, even if she was never penetrated by this man. She was also off her meds and drunk, which means her normal mind and common sense were gone. I’m very familiar with meds for bipolar and OCD so I wish you mentioned them. But even if she wasn’t off them, mixing alcohol with them can be disastrous. I have always told people that alcohol is like a wild card. You can never be sure what it’s effect will be, even on the same person from 1 day to the next. So at the very least you can assume she wasn’t in her normal mind. Add to that being in a dance club in an exotic Caribbean location, and anything is possible. I also took note that when you spoke to her she was crying and saying she doesn’t want to lose you. Again, that’s a good sign.

I want to tell you something that happened to me and a gf I had at 19. This girl turned out to be the love of my life, but I lost her due to being foolish and jealous. We had dated 2 years and as kids, we often fought but always made up. But her Mother was very against us. Her mother sent her to stay with her brother 2 months who was an Air Force man in another country. Little did I know they had planned to break us up by her brother bringing home a different guy every night. I was depressed with her gone, so me a cousin went to the US Virgin islands. This was in 1970 and the mail to and from that island almost didn’t exist. But I didn’t know that. I wrote her a love letter every night, but she never received even one. She also sent me many letters and I never got them neither. The last day there I received about the 10th letter she wrote me.In it she said she kissed a guy. And I went nuts. We were both virgins. That was all she did. I got so angry that when she finally came back to the USA I wouldn’t speak to her, and she had no idea why. She then made a suicide attempt, and I realized how much I loved her. She lived, but I lost her. I was a stupid foolish kid. She wound up marrying a wife beater. She got divorced and married a good man who is very cold emotionally. All that was over 40 years ago and we still talk occasionally. I never fell in love again. I lost her.

I think you and your girl have a good chance to work things out. You will need much time and probably therapy. You probably are burying hurt feelings. But they don’t have to end things. See her and talk to her as often as you 2 want to. I hope you 2 make up.

God bless you both.
 
Geo17 said:
Hi Needsomehelp,

First, I really wish you gave both your ages. I think you have a good chance of working through this. I think it will take time, and professional counseling will most likely be needed. What struck me most, was in her texts to you, she sounds so remorseful that she absolutely hates herself, and it’s so intense she can’t even imagine that you would even consider forgiving her. I don’t see this as her wanting to end things. I see it as a good sign that you 2 can work this out. I guess she’s a virgin, and now she thinks she’s not, and she is acting like a woman who was raped might behave. In a way she was raped, even if she was never penetrated by this man. She was also off her meds and drunk, which means her normal mind and common sense were gone. I’m very familiar with meds for bipolar and OCD so I wish you mentioned them. But even if she wasn’t off them, mixing alcohol with them can be disastrous. I have always told people that alcohol is like a wild card. You can never be sure what it’s effect will be, even on the same person from 1 day to the next. So at the very least you can assume she wasn’t in her normal mind. Add to that being in a dance club in an exotic Caribbean location, and anything is possible. I also took note that when you spoke to her she was crying and saying she doesn’t want to lose you. Again, that’s a good sign.

I want to tell you something that happened to me and a gf I had at 19. This girl turned out to be the love of my life, but I lost her due to being foolish and jealous. We had dated 2 years and as kids, we often fought but always made up. But her Mother was very against us. Her mother sent her to stay with her brother 2 months who was an Air Force man in another country. Little did I know they had planned to break us up by her brother bringing home a different guy every night. I was depressed with her gone, so me a cousin went to the US Virgin islands. This was in 1970 and the mail to and from that island almost didn’t exist. But I didn’t know that. I wrote her a love letter every night, but she never received even one. She also sent me many letters and I never got them neither. The last day there I received about the 10th letter she wrote me.In it she said she kissed a guy. And I went nuts. We were both virgins. That was all she did. I got so angry that when she finally came back to the USA I wouldn’t speak to her, and she had no idea why. She then made a suicide attempt, and I realized how much I loved her. She lived, but I lost her. I was a stupid foolish kid. She wound up marrying a wife beater. She got divorced and married a good man who is very cold emotionally. All that was over 40 years ago and we still talk occasionally. I never fell in love again. I lost her.

I think you and your girl have a good chance to work things out. You will need much time and probably therapy. You probably are burying hurt feelings. But they don’t have to end things. See her and talk to her as often as you 2 want to. I hope you 2 make up.

God bless you both.
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👍
 
@geo - your story was helpful.

I talked to her on the phone for two hours tonight. Much better than texts and email. A lot was cleared up and we talked a great deal about going forward and I got a much better picture/sense of just “what went down” and how and why.

It was a mistake. She’s not perfect - and I don’t think anyone else on this board is either. She is remorseful and it really showed. I’m not about to explain a 2 hour phone conversation - but I can tell you that it was much better than a few of the comments on this forum.

She is a good woman who had a mistake. It isn’t who she is. I also found out that bi polar was not officially diagnosed but she has a bad case of ROCD, which explains the doubting thoughts, since OCD is the doubting disease (relationship intrusive thoughts - google it) (but so do I, though mine isn’t so much ROCD but other genres) and uses the acohol to numb the OCD torment, which was a good first step. So I turned that into something positive and told her I will work on it with her together and we can make it our hobby together.

Much was said, but in summary, I told her I love her and that I am going no where. It doesn’t mean it’s an excuse. What happened was hurtful - but what is the meaning of forgiveness if you drop someone like a fly because of one problem. Life brings more issues than this. If this happens on a constant basis - than we have a different scenario… If I was in her shoes, I would hope for the same. I think by forgiving her and working together we can receive a lot of graces that would not be there, if I told her to go fly a kite and then regret not having her around me for the rest of my life. I think she will appreciate deep down the mercy of acceptance and it will make her more fervent as a result. I can’t say the same could be said for me telling her to get lost.

Night #2 was more of despair drinking because of what happened on night 1 and by then it was a “what does it even matter now, I ruined it on night 1” type attitude. I believe her and though it hurts, I will be the bigger man and accept her for who she is, because in my opinion - it takes a guy with bigger you know what to do that. I could hear her in the background breaking down on the phone call, muffling the phone so as not to be heard. She told me she loves me and from the sound it was 100% genuine. Kicking to the curb is easy - life isn’t easy. I think we will be okay and all we can do is try from here.

I talked about how their will have to be changes regarding alcohol and such… overall I think it was a much needed conversation. I feel an overwhelming sense of calm. To think about what went on pisses me off sure, but it feels odd that I way past the irate stage. I actually feel fine… and I’m looking forward to seeing her.

Other points to note: Someone asked about ages. We are mid to late twenties.

The other vacationing guy was also very drunk. I think someone was curious about that.
 
“I will be the bigger man and accept her for who she is, because in my opinion - it takes a guy with bigger you know what to do that.”

Going forward, is this the way you want to live? How much drinking and hanging around with other men do you want to deal with? When does it get to be too much? Figure out where that line is. Do you want the mother of your children to be an alcoholic? What kind of life are you going to be creating for them?

I think you’re being seduced by your desire to be the hero and ride in on a white horse and save the damsel in distress. If you’re going to stick around, dial it back to friendship, work with a therapist, and go to Al Anon. Don’t be in a hurry. You can’t save her, but if she wants to save herself, you can help.
 
I’m not trying to be a hero. I’m being what a boyfriend who loves his potential fiancee should be - forgiving.

She’s not an alcoholic. She hardly drinks at all. She hasn’t really ever been drunk and this was a one time incident that was compiled due to a bunch of factors.

lol AA? No - not even close. You don’t know her like I do. She also does NOT hang around with other men. She left guys that wanted to hang out with her and told them she doesn’t hang out with them because she has a bf and it’s disrespectful. She left one of her jobs as a music promoter because it involved talking to men in a flirtatious way to get them to come to shows. She told the company that it doesn’t feel right for her to do that.

She WAS around guys on the vacation because she was at the disco area in the resort watching over her brother and friends there - so it was a social setting. The people they met at the disco area kept bringing more drinks around for everyone, and at one point - the alcohol dumbed down the decision making.

I appreciate your concern xantippe - but I’m going to have to call you out on this one. I’ve met plenty of women in my time and know a good one when I see one. I hope you don’t mess up in your lifetime and make a mistake, because the condescending tone you are giving will come back to bite you in the rear.

Now I may be totally wrong - but the only way to find that out is over time - and it will certainly never be found out by simply telling her goodbye.
 
Xantippe said:
“I will be the bigger man and accept her for who she is, because in my opinion - it takes a guy with bigger you know what to do that.”

Going forward, is this the way you want to live? How much drinking and hanging around with other men do you want to deal with? When does it get to be too much? Figure out where that line is. Do you want the mother of your children to be an alcoholic? What kind of life are you going to be creating for them?

I think you’re being seduced by your desire to be the hero and ride in on a white horse and save the damsel in distress. If you’re going to stick around, dial it back to friendship, work with a therapist, and go to Al Anon. Don’t be in a hurry. You can’t save her, but if she wants to save herself, you can help.
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Someone making a mistake under the influence of alcohol does not make them an alcoholic.
 
needsomehelp said:
I’m not trying to be a hero. I’m being what a boyfriend who loves his potential fiancee should be - forgiving.

She’s not an alcoholic. She hardly drinks at all. She hasn’t really ever been drunk and this was a one time incident that was compiled due to a bunch of factors.

lol AA? No - not even close. You don’t know her like I do. She also does NOT hang around with other men. She left guys that wanted to hang out with her and told them she doesn’t hang out with them because she has a bf and it’s disrespectful. She left one of her jobs as a music promoter because it involved talking to men in a flirtatious way to get them to come to shows. She told the company that it doesn’t feel right for her to do that.

She WAS around guys on the vacation because she was at the disco area in the resort watching over her brother and friends there - so it was a social setting. The people they met at the disco area kept bringing more drinks around for everyone, and at one point - the alcohol dumbed down the decision making.
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I think you should end this relationship.

You posted in the beginning that you wanted advice. Then, as posters gave you advice you continually defended the actions of your girlfriend.

What was the real point of this thread? I can’t tell if you wanted actual advice or excuses to continue with this relationship.

A huge red flag for me in this thread was that your girlfriend quit her medication on a whim. That does not indicate a great deal of maturity or self-understanding. You don’t just wake up one day and say, “Ok! Anti-depressants were good but now, I’m in a swell mood so I don’t need them anymore.” That makes me wonder if she really has the capacity to consider a lifelong relationship. She obviously doesn’t know herself very well. If she doesn’t know herself, how can she learn to know you enough to commit to you.

Please, before you decide that I’m hard hearted or ungenuine take time to consider what I’m saying in this post. This is a good time to take a step back before you make a lifelong commitment to a mistake.
 
kmuestwin said:
I think you should end this relationship.

You posted in the beginning that you wanted advice. Then, as posters gave you advice you continually defended the actions of your girlfriend.

What was the real point of this thread? I can’t tell if you wanted actual advice or excuses to continue with this relationship.

A huge red flag for me in this thread was that your girlfriend quit her medication on a whim. That does not indicate a great deal of maturity or self-understanding. You don’t just wake up one day and say, “Ok! Anti-depressants were good but now, I’m in a swell mood so I don’t need them anymore.” That makes me wonder if she really has the capacity to consider a lifelong relationship. She obviously doesn’t know herself very well. If she doesn’t know herself, how can she learn to know you enough to commit to you.

Please, before you decide that I’m hard hearted or ungenuine take time to consider what I’m saying in this post. This is a good time to take a step back before you make a lifelong commitment to a mistake.
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I’m not defending anything which is wrong- I’m only correcting false info that is being put into the thread. There is a difference between helping and being snotty about it.

She also did not quit her medication on a whim - it was slowly reduced over time until it stopped - and it was for depression. She felt much happier with me and decided to try stopping it.
 
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