Cheating and attraction

[TruthSeeker2011]

Because you’ve clouded your sense of judgement.

God designed the human body to have orgasms. Those orgasms release very strong chemicals that bond us to a person. Those bonds are so strong that they blind us to the flaws in that person (thus, when we are married, we continue to love them when they fart or have zits or get fat or grey or wrinkley).

When you go around having orgasms with someone who is not your spouse, you become blind to things that you should be LOOKING AT

When you go around and have orgasms with more than one person - as this woman has done - you get even more confused. You are like a big piece of duct tape. First time you attach it to something it sticks and bonds so strong. If you rip it off that first bond and stick it to something else, it becomes less able to bond. Keep pulling it off and sticking it here and there and soon you have something that cannot bond at all.

Clear your blind eyes.

I’d like to clear this up. She’s never had the opportunity to have an orgasm. The “things” I referred to earlier were french kissing and me grabbing her breasts. She’s never given a blowjob in her life and I have not gone down on her. She hasn’t given me a handjob either. No anal, oral, or vagina sex.

We’re not attached to each other due to our minds associating pleasure/orgasms with one another.

I must have misconstrued our relationship by trying to condense it down so people could read it.

We’ve been together, in a great relationship without breast grabbing and heavy kissing for 4 and half years. We haven’t needed any of it, just being around each other makes us happy.

Also, we’ve both been together through thick and thin. We were both there for each other for deaths in the family and she was at my bedside everyday for me when I almost died due to illness.

I can count on her being by my side no matter what. This is the only time she has made this mistake and I know if I ask her to, she would end her friendship with him.

Despite all this, I am going to sit down with her tonight and we’re going to talk about everything you all have shared with me. If she truly does not find me attractive (something she mentioned once that maybe I am overly stressing) and still has strong interests in other men, then I’ll take it from there.

I thank you all for your advice. You have given me a new perspective on viewing this relationship. I am greatly appreciative.

 

[kage_ar]

FYI, women can have orgasms from deep kissing and from having their breasts touched.

 

[SarahR]

I’m sorry you were hurt by these conscious choices of her.
The way I see it, she was with you for years, and she still freely chose to violate you through this betrayal and was still concerning herself with this other guy and their illicit relationship, even after admitting her actions to your face. She chose to act with gross disregard to you and to God.

You have an opportunity NOW for a clarity you won’t have when you’re married and have several little tots who look up at you with their big innocent eyes and depend on your decision making.

 

[puzzleannie]

I’m
Here’s some background information. My fiance and I have been dating over 5 and a half years.
– TS11

why aren’t you married yet? I don’t mean, as in OMG get on with it, I mean, seriously look at the reasons why you have not yet committed to each other. This does seem an excessively long time to be involved w/ each other and not yet married, and if you can, together, discern why it may help answer your questions. There has to be some mental reservation or other consideration that keeps you from tying the knot, so what is it? be honest with yourselves (not for discussion here obviously). It would take a saint to remain continent that long if you are together all the time.

 

[The_Bucket]

B-E-T-A

That’s what you are if you don’t drop this girl right now. Period. She makes out with another guy and basically does all but has sex with him and agrees with him that it’s because of “built up sexual tension”? Please. Look, I don’t doubt there’s built-up sexual tension even for those who are pretty chaste before marriage. I know all about that.

But the poster that said “you’ll see a lot more of this guy” is absolutely right. Her saying she’s not physically attracted to you is a massive red flag and should set off every alarm bell possible in your head. I’m not saying you need to be or even can be the best looking dude out there. Hey, I’m not, and I’m sure my wife sees good looking guys and thinks “oh he’s cute” but then she MOVES ON FROM THAT THOUGHT, just like I see other good looking girls and think “wow, she’s gorgeous” and then that thought drifts away after a second or two.

I’m sorry that you’ve come this far with her only to experience this heartache. But I doubt you can “recapture” her when she’s done something like this. I’m not saying you can’t forgive her. You can and should. But you should not marry a woman who explicitly tells you she’s not attracted to you and then throws herself at another man. That would be the perfect definition of being beta and I assure you she’ll cheat on you down the line… probably after you already have a kid or two so you’ll be sucked in forever.

 

[Joe_5859]

Of course, I can’t really tell you what to do, but I offer this piece of advice.

IF you two choose to stay together and stick it out, she simply cannot maintain this friendship with this other guy. It’s a recipe for disaster - a time bomb waiting to explode. In other words, it’s not a good idea.

If I were you, I would be very firm on this point. You can forgive her if you choose, but trust is something that she needs to earn back. It shouldn’t simply be given to her. If she’s not willing to forgo this friendship to earn back your trust, then what other things won’t she be willing to do once married?

 

[psalm42]

As an earlier poster said, I think liberansmo (mispelled?)

"When a woman wants to marry and loves her fiance completely, she doesn’t even look at another man, much less kiss him. And she doesn’t need to keep going back and wanting to stay “friends.”

As a woman myself, I agree with the above statement and many other statements on here. If she has wandering eyes and isn’t attracted to you, she isn’t committed to you or really loves you. And, she is still friends with him?!?!?!

The person who loves you should think you are the most handsomest/gorgeous man/woman on the planet–because you know the good/bad about that person and the admiration grows…etc.

I think you are so in love with her and have shared many life experiences with her, your mind is clouded. What is it going to take to know you are, or arn’t meant to be together?
What more compromises are you willing to suffer through? What if she decides she wants this other guy a few months after marriage? A red flag clearly resounded when I was reading your post.

If my bf physically cheated on me before EVEN marriage, it wouldn’t be a question on what I would do. I couldn’t handle questioning my bf’s intentions with the opposite sex. Yes, it would be the most difficult thing in my life to get over, but I would survive, with God’s help.

That is great you have not done oral…etc sex! You should be commended this day in age

And if, in your heart, you think you cannot do better, that no other woman can love you better, I encourage you to pray more.

Hope this helps!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Well, she may be a really good friend with you through thick and thin. Able to confide in you about everything. Really comfortable enough to tell you anything… even about how much she likes kissing that new guy.

Didn’t you feel the least bit awkward with her and him eating dinner… like a 3rd wheel?

I mean, don’t get me wrong. It sounds like you are an incredibly patient man. You didn’t punch him in the nose and you forgave her. That shows a lot of maturity. You even let that jerk who kissed your fiancee talk her into going further with you as an outlet for sexual tension. (Any questions about his maturity and maybe why his relationship failed?)

Do you really want to be with someone and never know if she’s not daydreaming about the other guy when she’s with you? It’s one thing to be with a woman who has been around the block… and doesn’t miss the block at all. And prefers you. But this one has told you she’s not that attracted. The other guy rings her bell.

Take your patience and maturity and save it for an adult woman who will treasure that about you because it will mean your’e a good father, and your relationship with her as a wife won’t put it to the test.

If you’re fishin’ in the sea of love, this one is a throwback. She’s not big enough yet. Unhook her and let her go. At least she’s honest, though. I’ll give her that. While your friendship may be great and she may be compassionate and all that, she’s just not ready, by the sounds of it. November is way too soon to put the gold band on that one.

See… after 5 years of fidelity…within weeks of getting the ring and accepting, she’s outwardly and deliberately sabotaging your engagement. She may not even realize it.

But engaged women don’t say goodnight to their fiance and then go a visiting other men alone in their apartments. Something in her did this to provoke a conflict. She may not even know why she did it. But she obviously doesn’t have the guts to confront her own doubts. So she threw the ball into your court. And you graciously let it pass, forgave her and broke bread with the guy.

What will she do next to provoke conflict? Because she’s not behaving like a bride all happy to pick out her dress and get on with her life as the Mrs.

 

[MtnDwellar]

I cannot believe that you went to the other man’s home and he made you dinner??? How did that happen? Can you say “uncomfortable”?

You seem like a nice guy. I think you love your fiance. Unfortunately there is not a lot of choosing on our parts, regarding who we fall in love with. We do get to chose who we are with.

She treated you badly. You are able to forgive her. That is wonderful. Just because you forgive her does not mean that you still have to marry her.

My fiance had a guy pal who she spent time alone with. She told me that he said to her that he wanted to be “more than friends.” I told her that she couldn’t see that guy anymore if she wanted to marry me. She thought that because her intentions were righteous that it didn’t matter. We argued. I offered that she could see him anytime as long as I was there. She stopped seeing him. We got married.

 

[Nyarlathotep]

My fiance had a guy pal who she spent time alone with. She told me that he said to her that he wanted to be “more than friends.” I told her that she couldn’t see that guy anymore if she wanted to marry me. She thought that because her intentions were righteous that it didn’t matter. We argued. I offered that she could see him anytime as long as I was there. She stopped seeing him. We got married.

That’s maturity right there: problem ==> discussion ==> resolution.

OP, What your gal is offering does not include cessation of contact with this interloper. Even if she would agree to it now, I’d say that ship has sailed.

These folks are right, you’ve got to end this before the impending wedding, your guests’ plane and hotel reservations, her wedding gown, and other "arrangements "start to cloud you both with anxiety.

 

[The_Bucket]

Liberanosamalo makes some excellent points, especially about how she “threw the ball in your court.” But while I agree that you’re likely a very patient and humble man, you also failed a test in a big way. Don’t get me wrong here, fiancees shouldn’t be testing the men they supposedly love, at least not like this. Sure, every once in awhile even wives will test their husbands, unconsciously, to see if they still have that alpha-type fire. Just like husbands test their wives to see if they’re really devoted to them. But in subtle and usually almost-harmless ways. It’s all part of re-asserting that he belongs to her and she belongs to him. Those kind of tests don’t include groping and french kissing another dude.

Your response need not be telling her to shut up, smashing the dude in the face and then kicking her to the curb, but it shouldn’t be talking it out and having the other guy over for dinner. That’s just absurd and frankly sub-beta. That’s horrible.

The right response? Telling her that what she did was totally reprehensible, that someday you might forgive her but that she’s going to give you the ring back and you guys are over. There’s no middle ground. She tells you she’s not attracted to you. RED ALERT. She makes out with another guy and buys his explanation. DEFCON ONE. You guys talk it out over a dinner, just the three of you. GAME OVER.

I don’t mean to be insulting. I don’t mean to belittle your relationship. But this woman is obviously pressing the eject button as hard as possible and you should just let her go before she totally strips you of your manhood by running you over while you beg her to stay. Because women have a tendency to not just flat out say “it’s over,” but instead stab men in the back and make them feel small to FORCE them to declare it’s over. Paradoxically, when the guys man up and make that move, their exes have more respect for them.

Again, I’m sorry this happened to you but better now than when you’re married. You’re right to trust that physical attraction is a key element to marriage… after all marriage is a sexual relationship and you need that glue there to help keep everything else together. That’s why marriage without sex (or at least memory of it) doesn’t work. There’s no glue. And that’s why sex without marriage fails… there’s nothing for the glue to bind!

 

[SarahR]

It sounds to me like she’s taking your kindness and ability to forgive for granted. There’s some woman out there who would cherish that part of you and not exploit it.

You met with the guy? Wow. Unlike The Bucket’s more decent post up above, I personally hope he ended up like this:crutches:

 

[monicatholic]

---

You can’t even figure out what the girl you’re engaged to thinks and feels, but you seem to think you know what GOD wants?

here, man, is the point to end all points. you prayed. she cheated. the other guy lights her fire better. is he a better cook, too? she’s still friends with him and he seems to know something about her pent-up sexual tensions.

you ask God. HE asnwers. THIS is your burning bush.

 

[MtnDwellar]

---

here, man, is the point to end all points. you prayed. she cheated. the other guy lights her fire better. is he a better cook, too? she’s still friends with him and he seems to know something about her pent-up sexual tensions.

you ask God. HE asnwers. THIS is your burning bush.

That should do it

 

[SarahR]

---

here, man, is the point to end all points. you prayed. she cheated. the other guy lights her fire better. is he a better cook, too? she’s still friends with him and he seems to know something about her pent-up sexual tensions.

you ask God. HE asnwers. THIS is your burning bush.

Excellent perspective!

 

[PaulinVA]

TruthSeeker, I’m terribly sorry over the end of your engagement.

It’s over. I hope that you realize that. This is not someone who is ready to marry. You may be heartbroken, but it’s better than a failed marriage.

 

[flyingfish]

The problem I am having with all this is that she told me that she isn’t attracted to me physically (she is attracted to him). And that really bothers me (I’ve expressed this to her and we don’t know how to fix this). We want to make this work, but we both somewhat think physical attraction is required in a marriage.

Why isn’t she attracted to you physically? Are you taking care of your body/cleanliness/clothing? Is it possible for you to become attractive by becoming one of those lean muscled guys, if you aren’t already?

Also, do you think you are masculine enough? Your reaction to your girlfriend making out with another guy doesn’t sound very “manly”, you had dinner with him afterward?! I don’t know what kind of men your girlfriend prefers, but maybe you need to work on being more manly? Even if you have some physical flaws, if you have the right attitude and carry yourself well you can still be very attractive.

To be honest I don’t know how I would feel in your position. I think you would be within your rights to expect her to end her friendship with a guy she made out with while engaged with you. I consider myself pretty easy going, and I’d be very jealous and angry if my man made out with some girl and then continued to hang out with her.

Maybe the issue was that you stopped doing everything, I had a relationship where we stopped doing everything and I lost attraction to the man.

 

[Rascalking]

I had a relationship where we stopped doing everything and I lost attraction to the man.

This sounds like my last realtionship, but we didn’t stop the “physical” everything-we never did much anyway, we just stopped hanging out, texting, calling, emailing-no real reason either.

I think technically we might still be dating!

 

[joandarc2008]

This sounds like my last realtionship, but we didn’t stop the “physical” everything-we never did much anyway, we just stopped hanging out, texting, calling, emailing-no real reason either.

I think technically we might still be dating!

That sounds like a very manly type of manly-type of communicaton there!!! BTW - if you haven’t paid for dinner in over 30 days and you are living in the sam area code you aren’t dating.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Also, do you think you are masculine enough? Your reaction to your girlfriend making out with another guy doesn’t sound very “manly”, you had dinner with him afterward?!

The way I see it the alpha male just basically saved his life. He owes him a meal or at least a beer or two. I’d say his reaction was very mature.