Love 31
i’ve been reading the sad episodes of your marriage for weeks. i have something to add that maybe can present this in a way that will help. everyone has been so enormously generous with prayers and suggestions.
all along, you have written over and over again: i am so confused.
likewise you’ve written MANY times, “i don’t know what’s gonna happen now.”
and you’ve written that trust has been broken, you are hurt, angry and scared.
(i couldn’t get a handle on this one fact-- maybe i missed it: what drugs is your husband using?)
here’s what i’m thinking, gleaned from 23 year sober years in AA where this story of yours plays out monthly-- heck, daily. sometimes to good end (long term) sometimes to disaster-- usually the quick fixes.
your husband seems to be an addict. he may use drugs to numb his guilt, he may use drugs to ruin his moral inhibitions. either way, he seems to have done enough drugs to have damaged his free will; i.e., addiction.
he likewise has been strangled in the affair. sin-- another loss of freedom. (she says she’s done with him. if she really is, she’s a smart girl. not necessarilly a good one, but a smart one.)
at this point, all trust is lost and addiction rages. he’s spewing every oath and insult known to womankind. you are a wreck.
here’s what i strongly believe:
- live with him or no, annulment or no, you will be resoponsible to pray for him until his dying breath and beyond. God put him in your life. he needs prayers. it’s your job. no question. this is called real love-- the kind where it costs you everything and you may get nothing tangible in return. the kind of love God loves us with.
- everytime you have marital relations with him, you put yourself and daughter at risk. stop it. for a good long time, stop it. you wouldn’t let him play with guns in the house. same thing, only slower.
- he is gone. you are wrecked. what to do now? no matter what glorious light of conversion you see around him, you must expect at least 2 years of “show me” from him. **if he’s not willing to work for at least 2 years to regain your trust in sobriety and fidelity, then he’s not willing. **
- in the meanwhile, your life, Love 31, looks exactly the same. you work. you pray. you love your daughter. repeat. whether he is drugged, adulterious, clean, delerious, lucid or faithful. your life proceeds the same way. why? because your life depends on God’s faithful love, not his or mine or anybody else’s unfaithful love.
- if he says he’s working for your trust, occasionally hire a private detective. occasionally bring him to the local police station for a urine drop. when he argues, “don’t you trust me?” your answer is tghe true one. “NO. but I could. prove it.”
- he’s a drug user. your daughter shouldn’t be left alone with him. end of story.
tough love? no. tragic, terrible, painful, brave, crying, God-trusting love. how do i know? we have a son…
finally, counseling would be good for you. alone. this whole thing has you questioning every single instinct you own. questioning your goodness, your worthiness, your ability to cope and carry on.
i am so grateful for your sister and friends who love you enough to laugh with you. Love31, please avoid every single opportunity to “test” your attractiveness to other men. it is fire and you’ve already been burned bad.
test, instead, your attractiveness with God. there you will find a beautiful child loved more than words can ever express. the look on God’s face when HE looks at you!! pure love.
many prayers continue.
I will pray for you, your daughter, and your husband. You are an incredibly strong woman for having to deal with this.
I think there are 2 other people who should be more worried about their sins! 
I will pray for your hearts to heal and for you both to be able to smile and sing again one day.
