Cheating Husband Part II

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Sorry to hear about your story. I know it takes a long time to heal from this, especially if your husband is still “addicted” to her … I mean, really… why do people think it is okay to “wind down” the relationship by allowing them to talk a few more times until they can get it out of their system? Wouldn’t it be much better to just tear it out by the roots?

Earlier you had asked for some scripture verses, and here’s one for your husband:

Proverbs 5:3-5,8

For the lips of a loose woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol … keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house.

And one thought for you would be to focus on the agony in the garden. Our dear Lord was sinless and yet his friends betrayed and abandoned him. Who are we to think that we deserve better? Unite your suffering with the sufferings of Christ. Also, though you cannot now trust your husband, you have to trust in the Lord. Pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet, meditate on the agony in the garden and Peter’s betrayal. Know that you are not alone in your suffering.

He’s got to cut off all contact with her. There can be no negotiation on this point. Every time he sees her it will set him back. And it will sow more seeds of distrust in you. He should realize that right now he should be doing everything you need him to do to regain your trust.

His life should be an open book at this point. If you want to read all his e-mails and screen all his calls then you have that right and he seems to need some kind of oversight.

In my experience, every therapist I have seen has not been helpful and most have set me back. I would not recommend one except as a last resort. The advice you have been given sounds pretty typical.

Also, I have to disagree with chevalier. This woman was having an affair with a married man and his wife found out about it and he wants to stay married … GAME OVER!! Done, no cooling off period or anything. If she knew he was married than she should have seen this coming. If not, then maybe next time she’ll be more careful. That’s what she can learn from the abrupt end to this relationship.

You can draw him a picture or chart or whatever. On the left is his wife, on the right is the “other woman”. If he chooses his wife, he will hurt the feelings of the other woman. If he chooses the other woman, he will hurt the feelings of his wife. CHOOSE ONE. It is a black and white answer. There are no shades of gray here.

I’ll be praying for you and your marriage.

Mike
 
Hi love31. I know exactly what u going thru. My husband also cheated on me 7 months ago and believe me it feels like yester day, theres nothing that will take the pain away. My husband tries everything in his power to make it write with me. I forgive him but cant forget. I will never trust my husband the way i did. I TRUSTED him completely, that trust was thrown out the window. All i can do is pray to our mother MARY to gide & show me the right way. I’ll pray for u and your marrige. Good luck & may our mother be with u.
 
Letisia raises a great point. You must forgive, but that doesn’t mean you forget or that things will ever go back to the way they were. You will be forever changed by this. Sometimes, many years later, you can look back at it and see that it was the event that turned your life around. I pray that this is the case for you two (and your marriages).

In confession, our sins are forgiven. But it is not just that we ask for forgiveness, we must denounce the sin and have the intention to never commit the sin again (whether we fall back into sin is another matter, but we must have an intention not to … a detachment from the sin). So, in the case of Love31’s husband, true forgiveness and reconciliation cannot start until he honors his wife’s “penance” that he cease all contact with her. As long as he continues to contact this other woman his outward actions seem to prove that he is not truly deserving of forgiveness because he has not amended his life. We should not let people use our Lord’s command to “turn the other cheek” to walk all over us.

Jimmy Akin wrote an article in This Rock that explains it better than I can: catholic.com/thisrock/2003/0309bt.asp

Letisia and Love31, you have just started on your journey. It will take some time, probably many years, until the stinging subsides. Love your husbands, pray for them, and turn this over to the Lord so he can work on them.

I’ll keep both of you in my prayers.

Mike
 
letisia said:
Hi love31. I know exactly what u going thru. My husband also cheated on me 7 months ago and believe me it feels like yester day, theres nothing that will take the pain away. My husband tries everything in his power to make it write with me. I forgive him but cant forget. I will never trust my husband the way i did. I TRUSTED him completely, that trust was thrown out the window. All i can do is pray to our mother MARY to gide & show me the right way. I’ll pray for u and your marrige. Good luck & may our mother be with u.
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You know we have some good days and then we have some really bad days. And all I can seem to remember is the bad days. Its so hard…Its like to goods days start to rebuild me, I start to feel a little better then something else happens and I fell like I have fallen down further than I was before. I have given him till the end of March to prove to me he will be devoted to God first then to me and my daugther. Not sure that he can do this. I just feel he should of done this already but I will give him the opportunity so that I may leave with my head high and no regrets. I told him I will not continue to live this way…I pray The Sacred Heart Novena everyday…this helps me get thru the day. I put my trust in my Lord he will show me the way. Thanks be to God!!
 
Agreeing with those above - I cannot imagine it being “good advice” for you to wait while he winds down the affair.

Please, find a different therapist - google “catholic therapists” or call your Diocise.
 
My prayers are with you. I don’t know what advice you are referencing from the therapist and priest (I wasn’t able to locate that post) but I heartily suggest you call up Heart Mind and Strength, they are committed to keeping marriages together but not by encouraging anyone to sit by and let their spouse wallow in their bad behavior. They recently had a call from someone that has almost a similar situation and they had very very good suggestions.

Please please call or e-mail them.
 
Love31 said:
You know we have some good days and then we have some really bad days. And all I can seem to remember is the bad days. Its so hard…Its like to goods days start to rebuild me, I start to feel a little better then something else happens and I fell like I have fallen down further than I was before. I have given him till the end of March to prove to me he will be devoted to God first then to me and my daugther. Not sure that he can do this. I just feel he should of done this already but I will give him the opportunity so that I may leave with my head high and no regrets. I told him I will not continue to live this way…I pray The Sacred Heart Novena everyday…this helps me get thru the day. I put my trust in my Lord he will show me the way. Thanks be to God!!
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I’m so sorry you are going through this, Love31. I was in a situation similar to yours, and it is heartbreaking. Your husband has an addiction to this other person; that is why he is having a very hard time letting go.

You must be strong for your children; that is your responsibility. It is hard, but God allows you to lean on Him in times like this. You are in my prayers.
 
Here’s a reflection from our Associate Pastor, Fr. Stanley:

**I Can Forgive
but I Can’t Forget

Forgiveness is not about forgetting.**
In order to begin the process of
healing and forgiveness, we need to
remember the offender and the
offense. In fact, we may never
totally forget the injury. It is normal
to feel and say "I forgive but I cannot
forget." It would be unhealthy,
however, to rigidly cling to the painful
memories. On the other hand, it
would be sinful and destructive to
**remain in the dreadful state of **
unforgiving.

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,
gave us the ultimate example of
forgiveness – He suffered and died
for our salvation. His sacrificial
offering enables us to put into
practice this fundamental message
of Jesus’ ministry. Jesus did not
say: “forget,” but – forgive!
Unforgiving brings misery, sickness
and death. Forgiving brings love,
liberation, health, peace and life.

When we are injured, the toxicity of
the offense penetrates every cell of
our body and every corner of our
soul. Therefore, we do not easily
forget. Our soul remembers. Our
**body remembers. Being equipped **
with defense mechanisms, we may
"box" the injury trying to store it in a
rarely visited inner place. It may
take years before we are ready to
visit our unhealed wounds. Our
decision to forgive begins the
journey of transformation and
**healing. In the process of **
forgiveness, the memory of the hurt
**loses some of its intensity and **
toxicity. Gradually the wound heals
and scars over. The memory of the
injury is less painful and intense.
God’s healing grace restores our
inner balance and harmony. We
begin to trust again.

In Christ’s love,
Fr. Stanley Obloj

Quoted from the St. Anastasia “Good News” bulletin from February 25, 2007. Available, for a limited time at stanastasia.ehost.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/goodnews022507.pdf
 
I have had enough. Right now we are separated…I packed his things and told him I didn’t want to work on our marriage until he was clean and done with her. I told him if you decide to go and stay with her don’t waste your time on me. I don’t want you! I told him if you want me fix it! I told him don’t take to long I’m not sure how long I am willing to wait. I said I’m done! He said that he would prove to me and our family that he is a good man he said you’ll see. I’ll do whatever it takes. I told him to pray and I packed a bible along with his clothes. Please keep praying for us!
 
Love31 said:
I have had enough. Right now we are separated…I packed his things and told him I didn’t want to work on our marriage until he was clean and done with her. I told him if you decide to go and stay with her don’t waste your time on me. I don’t want you! I told him if you want me fix it! I told him don’t take to long I’m not sure how long I am willing to wait. I said I’m done! He said that he would prove to me and our family that he is a good man he said you’ll see. I’ll do whatever it takes. I told him to pray and I packed a bible along with his clothes. Please keep praying for us!
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i will pray for you but do give him a deadline… dont leave it open ended saying you dont know how long you will wait…
he needs to know how long you will wait so that he can get clean else he will just use that as an excuse to say that he did not know that you would not wait longer…
and i dont know on what basis he claims to be a man let alone a good one!!! good men do not cheat on wives and hold their OW’s feelings more important than their wives…

:mad: :mad:
 
Love31 said:
I have had enough. … told him I didn’t want to work on our marriage until he was clean and done with her. I told him if you decide to go and stay with her don’t waste your time on me. I don’t want you! I’m not sure how long I am willing to wait. I said I’m done! …!
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No offense intended, but it doesn’t sound like you are too sure of what you want.
Kathy
 
Love31 said:
I have had enough. Right now we are separated…I packed his things and told him I didn’t want to work on our marriage until he was clean and done with her. I told him if you decide to go and stay with her don’t waste your time on me. I don’t want you! I told him if you want me fix it! I told him don’t take to long I’m not sure how long I am willing to wait. I said I’m done! He said that he would prove to me and our family that he is a good man he said you’ll see. I’ll do whatever it takes. I told him to pray and I packed a bible along with his clothes. Please keep praying for us!
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My prayers!
 
I was hoping that things would get better or easier now that my husband is out of the house. It’s just not!! Please keep praying.
 
what do you mean? what is happening???

remember my dear, everything that is happening is happening for the good… when i see what my husband is up to now when the divorce is going through and the pain that he is causing me… i know that Jesus did the right thing by removing me from this marriage…
 
He’s been out of the house for a week and has been staying with her most of the time. He still calls and says that he wants to be with me and that he just needs a little more time and that it won’t be long he says I don’t want to loose you. He says just wait you’ll see, things are going to be fine. I just can’t come home until I can be true to you and my word. he said I don’t want to come home and go thru this again. I told him I wouldn’t go thru this again. He says when I go home you’ll feel how much I love you there will be no doubt and there won’t be a need to forgive me. I want to be with you in our home raising our little girl. He just keeps saying you’ll see!. He says wonderful things but his actions out weigh any words he has spoken. I’m angry that he thinks I’m not smart enough to know where he is staying. I’m angry that he has obviously made his decision but won’t tell me. I’m angry!! I’m hurt !! He is just a lier!!! How can he be breaking things off with her and living with her at the same time. I ask him if he’s staying there and he says no. Well all you have to do is drive by there and there’s his truck…Makes me sick…I really need to pray right now. I think I will spend my lunch hour at adoration. Lord please guide me and may your will be done. Please keep praying.
 
My prayers are with you, Love31! Your faith is an inspiration to me. What a wonderful idea to spend lunch with Jesus today.
 
I’ll say a prayer for you. It really sounds like he’s not even trying to break it off. That makes me so angry. :mad: Have you talked to your priest lately?
 
GIVE HIM A DEADLINE!!! say if you are not back by the end of this week… or whatever you think is reasonable, this marriage is over!!

please be firm…
 
Love31 said:
He’s been out of the house for a week and has been staying with her most of the time. He still calls and says that he wants to be with me and that he just needs a little more time and that it won’t be long he says I don’t want to loose you. He says just wait you’ll see, things are going to be fine. I just can’t come home until I can be true to you and my word. he said I don’t want to come home and go thru this again. I told him I wouldn’t go thru this again. He says when I go home you’ll feel how much I love you there will be no doubt and there won’t be a need to forgive me. I want to be with you in our home raising our little girl. He just keeps saying you’ll see!. He says wonderful things but his actions out weigh any words he has spoken. I’m angry that he thinks I’m not smart enough to know where he is staying. I’m angry that he has obviously made his decision but won’t tell me. I’m angry!! I’m hurt !! He is just a lier!!! How can he be breaking things off with her and living with her at the same time. I ask him if he’s staying there and he says no. Well all you have to do is drive by there and there’s his truck…Makes me sick…I really need to pray right now. I think I will spend my lunch hour at adoration. Lord please guide me and may your will be done. Please keep praying.
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I am still praying for you!

I have a question…why doesn’t he come home? What (does he say) are his reasons? At this stage, you also have to ask yourself…what kind of marriage will this be, once he does come back? I say that, because a lot of the time, we think we want our marriage back together…but at this stage…hmmm…he has placed you in a position of really not trusting him. What does he plan on doing when he returns? It won’t be the same…he also needs to make a commitment (not only to breaking it off with her, which is obvious) but also to get help–counseling. With you, and by himself. I might not take him back if he wasn’t willing to commit to counseling. But, that’s just me.

I am amazed at your strength. I will say, you are a model of patience…heck, I get impatient when trying to open a jar of pickles and I struggle–can’t imagine how I’d fare with this. I think it’s to the point, where he needs to make a choice. (but counseling for him and for both of you would be on the agenda)

Be careful…and again, I’m praying for you…for God’s will to take shape and make your next steps crystal clear.
 
can i ask why you want this man back after the way he has treated you???

ask him this question…

***would you have taken me back if I was doing what you are doing right now? and how much respect would you have for me if I were behaving the way you are right now?? ***

if he says that he would still take you back and respect you, you know that he is a liar as no one would be able to do that!!!
 
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