Cheating Husband Part II

  • Thread starter Thread starter Love31
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
My Husband text me last night and asked for me to pray for him. He said to pray for strength…he wants to forgive himself for the hurt and pray that he may be forgiven…He also text me his new number. He called all by himself and had his cell phone number changed…steps in the right direction but we have been thru this road before. I am not going to get my hopes up just yet.
 
Love31 said:
My Husband text me last night and asked for me to pray for him. He said to pray for strength…he wants to forgive himself for the hurt and pray that he may be forgiven…He also text me his new number. He called all by himself and had his cell phone number changed…steps in the right direction but we have been thru this road before. I am not going to get my hopes up just yet.
Click to expand...
This guy is manipulating you.

Look, just get five things.
  1. Get an HIV test, if you haven’t gotten one already.
  2. Get him out of the house and keep him out.
  3. Get a really good divorce attorney, and get your husband to communicate to you ONLY through the divorce attorney (so he can’t manipulate your feelings anymore), and get a divorce.
  4. Get an annulment.
  5. Get past this, and get on with your and your daughter’s life.
Yes, sometimes adulterers repent. But, “once a cheater always a cheater” is often true.

That’s just my two cents’ worth of advice; feel free to disregard it.
 
Love 31,
we have a drug addict adult son. once, when he came home from being ‘out there’ for many months without word or news of him or anything (woman, i cannot tell you what sorrow we felt) he came home.

because we love him, because he was alive, because he seemed genuinely happy to see us, WE WERE THRILLED.

he said, “mom. dad. please don’t get your hopes up. this visit might not mean anything like i’m staying.”

(it didn’t. we suffered another 17 months before we saw him again.)

but my husband answered, “son, our hopes ARE up. because our hopes are in God. we have no expectations of you. you are a grown man. you will choose what you will. but God loves you beyond imagining. our hopes are in HIM.”

hope, Love 31, is in what a willing, able, loving GOD will do.
wishes are in what a possibly unwilling, unable person may or may not do.

as Catholic Christians, God calls us to hope. as grown-ups, God expects us to outgrow wishing.
 
Love31: I have a drug addicted ex husband and he has sent child support for our now 15 almost 16 year old dd 3 times in the last 4 years and his payments are only $150 per month. He calls my daughter when he is feeling guilty usually when he becomes sober and he expects her to drop everything and come and visit him. Get real! I decided to divorce him 11 years ago because I thought it wasn’t fair to my daughter being raised in this environment. The main thing was that I didn’t want her to think that this type of man was acceptable to marry. Although she is still a teen so far she has made very good decision when it comes to her life. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. I keep saying my daughter, because I can’t begin to call him her father… I usually say the sperm donor. Good luck and put your child first!!

Hugs, Lori
 
monicatholic said:
hope, Love 31, is in what a willing, able, loving GOD will do.
wishes are in what a possibly unwilling, unable person may or may not do.

as Catholic Christians, God calls us to hope. as grown-ups, God expects us to outgrow wishing.
Click to expand...
Thank you…this makes sense. I never thought of it that way. And I place all my Hope in God.
 
puppylove said:
Love31: I have a drug addicted ex husband and he has sent child support for our now 15 almost 16 year old dd 3 times in the last 4 years and his payments are only $150 per month. He calls my daughter when he is feeling guilty usually when he becomes sober and he expects her to drop everything and come and visit him. Get real! I decided to divorce him 11 years ago because I thought it wasn’t fair to my daughter being raised in this environment. The main thing was that I didn’t want her to think that this type of man was acceptable to marry. Although she is still a teen so far she has made very good decision when it comes to her life. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. I keep saying my daughter, because I can’t begin to call him her father… I usually say the sperm donor. Good luck and put your child first!!

Hugs, Lori
Click to expand...
WOW!. I think about this alot…about the example I am putting on my daughter. Am I saying that its ok to be with a man that can’t end his affair and can’t get off drugs. Or am I saying fight for what you want no matter what…both of these are scary I would hate for my daughter to go thru what I’m going thru and feel what I’m feeling. What torture for her…WOW!!! thanks for making me think about this another way.
 
Love31 said:
Am I saying that its ok to be with a man that can’t end his affair and can’t get off drugs.
Click to expand...
It’s this one… children learn what they live. The only example she has of what marriage is supposed to look like is you.
 
duskyjewel said:
It’s this one… children learn what they live. The only example she has of what marriage is supposed to look like is you.
Click to expand...
Thank you…it really hurts to know that I am putting this example on her…I so wanted this family together not just for me but so that she would not loose her Daddy. This hurts. 😦
 
I am thrilled by all the support that Love31 receives in the forum. It’s good to know that she is not alone.

Somewhere in the new testament God commands husbands to love their wife as Christ loves his church. A very tall order indeed for his imperfect servants who fall into sin regulary. Adultery being one of the sins in this case. But we must ask ourselves, do we end the marriage or not? We must look to Christ. As the Groom, Christ knows his bride, the people that make up his church, sin daily and is unfaithful to him daily. Does Christ turn his back and ask for a divorce? No, he remains faithful to his church even unto death on a cross. What amazing love Jesus would have each of us demonstrate in each of our lives. Yes, a tall order indeed.

Finally, remember how God uses many a sinner to accomplish his objectives throughout history. For example, King David. He was chosen by God personally to succeed Saul to sheperd his people Israel. What does David do? He Lusts after Bathsheba, Commits Adultery, and lastly, commits murder to cover up his sin.
Despite this incident God remained always faithful and from David’s line came forth God’s son and our savior Jesus Christ whom we pray to on behalf of Love31. There is always hope.
 
dear love 31, i have been where you are. i can’t offer any advice but i sure know that pain. my husband was unfaithful in many ways and many times for many years. in his own way he is now unfaithful by distancing himself from me emotionally. he has only occasionally been the husband a woman should have. this past year has been so difficult. we have made love once. i cried. that was about 8 months ago. although i am 63 i am still a woman who needs love, affection and tenderness. my heart breaks for you and for all who have endured a sham of a marriage. but there is our Father who loves us. keep praying and i will pray for you!!!
 
gerryanneco said:
dear love 31, i have been where you are. i can’t offer any advice but i sure know that pain. my husband was unfaithful in many ways and many times for many years. in his own way he is now unfaithful by distancing himself from me emotionally. he has only occasionally been the husband a woman should have. this past year has been so difficult. we have made love once. i cried. that was about 8 months ago. although i am 63 i am still a woman who needs love, affection and tenderness. my heart breaks for you and for all who have endured a sham of a marriage. but there is our Father who loves us. keep praying and i will pray for you!!!
Click to expand...
I’m so sorry for your pain. I understand how you feel. I will pray for you.
 
DobleGG reminds us that God is faithful when his beloved are decidedly NOT faithful.

But DobleGG has to likewise give credence to the church’s teaching on marriage-- that some are invalid from the start because one or both of the parties bring impediments, making the union null.

as for ‘there is always hope’ so long as there is breath in our bodies, we are called to hope. but hope and remain are not the same thing. Love31, you can distance yourself from the madness, sheild your child from the terrible example, and teach her the true meaning of prayer only if you are away from the destruction.

like your husband in his addictions, you may have to hit a terrible bottom before you are willing to seperate yourself from this codependancy. only you can decide when enough destruction is enough.
 
monicatholic said:
DobleGG reminds us that God is faithful when his beloved are decidedly NOT faithful.

But DobleGG has to likewise give credence to the church’s teaching on marriage-- that some are invalid from the start because one or both of the parties bring impediments, making the union null.

as for ‘there is always hope’ so long as there is breath in our bodies, we are called to hope. but hope and remain are not the same thing. Love31, you can distance yourself from the madness, sheild your child from the terrible example, and teach her the true meaning of prayer only if you are away from the destruction.

like your husband in his addictions, you may have to hit a terrible bottom before you are willing to seperate yourself from this codependancy. only you can decide when enough destruction is enough.
Click to expand...
that is a truly great and insightful post.
 
Love31 You have gotten such great advice on here, I am glad that someone finally mentioned the drug addiction. I can’t help but see the manipulating behavour of your husband that is so constant thoughout all your posts. That is so typical of drug addicts, he is very very good at it and he knows just how you will fall for his manipulations every time… There is a saying in AA Addicts and Alcoholcs do not have relationships they take hostages, how true that is.

Nothing is going to get any better in your life with him in it, in any way unless he gets sober period. I know that your heart is broken because of the other woman, but in all reality the real problem is his drug addiction… Unless he stops the drugs you and your daughter will never have a life with this man even if he were to leave her. He will never have a life with her or anyone else for that matter if he continues to use…You also cannot leave your daughter alone with this man he is a drug addict, that is the reason his behavour is so erratic and so manipulative. You need to let go, stop enabling him and let him hit his bottom perhaps if he has no one to fall back on he may hit that bottom. Place him in God’s hands. You also need to make a life for you and your daughter without all this drama I will pray for you.
 
I know my husband is not well…I know that he is so being controlled by this drug. Why do I still love him and hurt for him. I feel sorry for him because he can’t really see what he’s doing. Its getting easier for me but thats because he’s not around. The minute I see him…I just want My husband home…but my husband is not the man he is today. I told him about the example I was putting on my daughter. Letting her think that its ok to have a husband that isn’t around and uses drugs and cheats and doesn’t spend time with the family…I told him that I would hate for our daughter to go thru all of this. He said … nothing. Please pray for my anger…somedays it just takes over.
 
love 31,
you still hurt for him and love him and all that because that is what love really is.

you are doing the right thing in having a life (which is a series of moments, days, weeks, plans, hopes, activities, etc., hopefully in union with God’s will.) without his addictions ruling everything you do.

whether he agress or no with your very sound assessment of what is best for your daughter, be unflinching in your committment to her wellbeing.

i have mentioned our son is an addict. we have learned, through devastating pain, rejection and deceit to pray like this-- for his healing and conversion:

FIRST because it pleases God that he be healed and converted
NEXT because it is good for him to be healed and converted
FINALLY because it would make us so happy, too.

we realize the only criteria that really needs to be met is number ONE-- that God’s will is done in our son because it pleases God.

many blessings.
 
Love31, like a few others on here, I have been through this also. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from him. Do not answer his calls or his text messages. Have no contact with him. If you do, he knows that he still has you dangling on a string and he has no reason to get better or clean up his act. You have to use ‘tough love.’
Do not give in, do not agree to meet him. tell him, NO contact unless he does certain things, ie. take responsibility for his drug addiction and get help.
Break all ties with this woman, that is ALL TIES. He cannot make stupid excuses like, ’ i left a book at her place,’ or ‘she needed me to fix a leaking tap’
He can NEVER see her again. When he has done this and it has been for some months, (or however long you stipulate) then you can start making some rules.
He is lost and confused, but is happy to know he has you dangling. DON’T feel sorry for him. DON’T give in. DON’T communicate with him. You are enabling his behaviour.
DO not see him, text him or communicate with him in ANY way until there is a REAL change. Until he is in a drug program or something.
This is the only way it can work. Don’t fall for any of the, ‘i need help and I want you to help me, I will see someone and I want you to come…’
You cannot do this. HE has to.
You cannot make him change. HE needs to. Let him go. Let this go… and Let GOD do the work.
The most beneficial thing you can do in this for yours and your daughter’s sake is to cease all contact and pray. You need the peace and stability and so does your daughter. Give her a stable home and happiness as best as you can. Ask God to be the Father she doesn’t have…HE WILL. He will be everything and MORE than her earthly father is. He WILL provide for her. Trust HIM. He will never let you down. Ask Him to be the husband you don’t have at the moment and to make your husband the man he should be, but in the meantime…
Pray, pray and pray more. Pray like crazy, for his conversion, for his soul, for his salvation and most importantly for God’s will in your lives and God’ s grace to help you recognise it.
I’m praying for you…
 
I’m glad you told him what you thought about raising your daughter in this environment could do to her. Thats a good step!!! Maybe just maybe this will sink in with him. When I divorced my first husband, I had it in my head that he would never change…maybe a for a short time he would, but he would eventually go back to his old habits. And he did! I’m still waiting on child support from that scum… I used to care about my ex but I have no feelings but sorrow for him…and not the nice kind of sorrow… One day you will get enough and only you will know when… If you ever need to talk just PM me and we can get on AIM or something… Good luck hun!!!
 
jules11 said:
Love31, like a few others on here, I have been through this also. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from him. Do not answer his calls or his text messages. Have no contact with him. If you do, he knows that he still has you dangling on a string and he has no reason to get better or clean up his act. You have to use ‘tough love.’
Do not give in, do not agree to meet him. tell him, NO contact unless he does certain things, ie. take responsibility for his drug addiction and get help.
Break all ties with this woman, that is ALL TIES. He cannot make stupid excuses like, ’ i left a book at her place,’ or ‘she needed me to fix a leaking tap’
He can NEVER see her again. When he has done this and it has been for some months, (or however long you stipulate) then you can start making some rules.
He is lost and confused, but is happy to know he has you dangling. DON’T feel sorry for him. DON’T give in. DON’T communicate with him. You are enabling his behaviour.
DO not see him, text him or communicate with him in ANY way until there is a REAL change. Until he is in a drug program or something.
This is the only way it can work. Don’t fall for any of the, ‘i need help and I want you to help me, I will see someone and I want you to come…’
You cannot do this. HE has to.
You cannot make him change. HE needs to. Let him go. Let this go… and Let GOD do the work.
The most beneficial thing you can do in this for yours and your daughter’s sake is to cease all contact and pray. You need the peace and stability and so does your daughter. Give her a stable home and happiness as best as you can. Ask God to be the Father she doesn’t have…HE WILL. He will be everything and MORE than her earthly father is. He WILL provide for her. Trust HIM. He will never let you down. Ask Him to be the husband you don’t have at the moment and to make your husband the man he should be, but in the meantime…
Pray, pray and pray more. Pray like crazy, for his conversion, for his soul, for his salvation and most importantly for God’s will in your lives and God’ s grace to help you recognise it.
I’m praying for you…
Click to expand...
I know I need to do this I KNOW IT…but its so hard. I want to hear what he has to say. And my daughter wants to talk to him on the phone she misses him. I feel like the bad person when I don’t let her talk to her Dad. She doesn’t know or understand what is going on. I don’t want her to hate me for not allowing contact with us. I’m scared. I tried telling her one time that Dad was not going to be living with us anymore. And Oh My!!! it absolutly broke my heart. my daughter isn’t one to scream and cry she is very mellow. And she SCREAMED and CRIED like I have never seen her before. She would say I WANT MY DADDY!!! Please mom call him I want to tell him to come home. NO Mom…I want my Daddy!!!. I had never seen her react to anything like that. She wouldn’t stop crying and that pain hurt me more than the pain my husband is putting me thru. We had to tell her that he was going to be working out of town again and thats why he wasn’t going to be staying at home. She was fine with that but I know my daughter is smart and she feels something is wrong. I’m so scared to tell her. What if she gets sick from it…from being upset and worried. She’s only 6. I’ don’t know that I could handle her reacting like that again…Any suggestions on how to tell her so that she won’t be scared. Prayers Please!
 
love 31, look at the position this man hammered you with:

*** i tried telling her one time that Dad was not going to be living with us anymore. And Oh My!!! it absolutly broke my heart. my daughter isn’t one to scream and cry she is very mellow. And she SCREAMED and CRIED like I have never seen her before. She would say I WANT MY DADDY!!! Please mom call him I want to tell him to come home. NO Mom…I want my Daddy!!!.***

that’s the guy you’re dealing with.

what does he think you’re daughter is doing?

you need to respond, “i want your daddy too. but he’s not being a daddy. until he does, we are all sad.”

daughter needs to see you toughen up. she wants daddy, yes. but she’s likely freaking out over your vibes of terror and confusion. Love 31, fake it.

go see a catholic counselor for you. anyone who tells you bad advice like last time-- anyone who tells you it’s cool to stay attached while he’s addicted adulterous-- walk. get someone new.

you may have to hit your own co-dependancy bottom here, Love 31. only you can decide when enough destruction is enough.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top