Child Assaulted at School... need guidance/prayers

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wltdsnymom65

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Hello Everyone…

I find myself coming to these boards, reading your posts and responses, on a daily basis. You all seem to bring so much perspective and love to everyone’s situations, requests, and questions.

My son, 14 years old, was assaulted by another student at school. He was bitten on the back of the neck, broke the skin and drew blood. The other boy is an 18 year old Senior.
He was given a warning, signed a contract that said he would never do it again, and sent back to class. It was dismissed as “horseplay”.

Several hours later, my son was taken out of his classroom by two local police officers and escorted to the Assistant Principals office where he spent an hour being interrogated about a suspicious “drug bag” being passed around school. When asked questions he answered. He was told he was not suspected of having the “drugs”, but he was seen walking down the hallway with one of the students that was. He was subjected to a pat down, had his book bag searched and then sent back to class.

I was never notified of this, as per school policy. I was told it was an oversight. The school’s own Police Liasion Officer was also never made aware of the biting or drug incident. The “drug bag” they were tipped off about was a snack size baggie that contained raisins.

I’m struggling with the fact that I feel this is all to “coincidental” happening on the same day. to a kid that has never been in trouble before, not even littering! After meeting with all the Principals involved and the School’s Principal, the stories keep changing and they all seem to be tripping over themselves to avoid trouble for each other.

The school I can deal with, but my struggle is with the young man who bit my son. After much wrangling we were finally able to speak with his parents. This young man has been through the Foster system, and recently a victim of assault a few months back. He is 18, and has what his mom described as immaturity and mental incapacity. If we press charges, he will have to go through the adult court system, and she fears if he is arrested he may commit suicide.

I’ve spoken with his mom, and my heart breaks every time I talk to her, I’ve been trying to put myself in her shoes and have not slept in almost 3 days. I am agonizing over this.

On the one hand, this boy is “mentally challenged”, in counseling, and a victim at some time in his life. We hear about so many “bullied” kids lashing out at others. I think to myself, was this one of those times? If I do nothing, could this happen again to someone else? Was it a one time incident? I don’t want what happened to my son to happen to anyone else, or maybe worse. But because of “privacy” laws, no one can give me any information. Again it was dismissed as horseplay, but my son was walking away from the group heading in the other direction when this young man came from behind and bit him. I believe it warrants a consequence, but am not sure if “jail” is the answer.

I’m so filled with emotions, that I can’t hear GOD speaking to me. I was wondering if any of you kind friends out there can offer any advice. My rosary beads are getting overtime.

Forgiveness has been given, but do you let it drop and hope it doesn’t happen again, or do you move forward and possibly cause more harm to a young man who is already fragile?

My son has been tested because of the bite and seems to have been forgotten in all of this as everyone is scrambling to save themselves and protect this other young man. My son’s health and safety are my top priority.

Thank you for any advice/guidance/prayers you can offer.

Blessings
 
It is amazing in this world of ‘zero tolerance’ that the kid was not suspended from school. I think I might ask for some action from the school towards this kid rather than trying to send him to jail…but then again, I’d be pretty ticked off if my kid got bit, so who knows how I would actually react in the situation.:confused:
 
It is amazing in this world of ‘zero tolerance’ that the kid was not suspended from school. I think I might ask for some action from the school towards this kid rather than trying to send him to jail…but then again, I’d be pretty ticked off if my kid got bit, so who knows how I would actually react in the situation.:confused:
Yeah, the school really needs to step up in this situation. Clearly this other kid, though he may be 18, is far from an adult. I’d have some sympathy there as well but the school needs to ensure the safety of all students regardless of how “insensitive” it might be to give an at-risk kid in-school-suspension or something of the like. If the kid has a history of violence, putting him in an environment away from other students is the only responsible thing to do for both parties.

Had the attacker not been somewhat mentally incapacitated, I would have told my son to jack up a dude who tried to bite him. In a self-defense situation only of course, but a guy tries to bite you? No way. You crack him in the jaw for that.
 
It’s so hard to give guidance.

I have a six year old who has been pushed around at school. It twists my heart. Of course I demand action from teachers and principals but that doesn’t solve the problem. Last time I phoned the mom.

Anyway - I have no advice to give, but will pray for your son and the other boy.
 
There are some serious problems with either the policies, or in the way they are enforced, in your son’s school. This is not a case of bullying. This is a case of assault. The school did more harm in not protecting your son, and subsequently searching him, than the 18 year old did.

Even if this 18 year old never goes near your son again, your son and everyone in that school is at risk at every incident.

I would make an appointment with the principal and superintendent to review the policies regarding the attack and the search. If they were not followed I would ask why. I would file a formal complaint with the school board. I cannot imagine that it was lawful for the administration and police to search and pat down your 14 year old boy without parental notification and/or permission.

Even if your son has forgiven and forgotten, he and your family need to let the school know that you will not tolerate such treatment.
 
I don’t understand what an 18 year old, immature, mentally-challenged kid does in the same school as a “normal” 14 year old kid. This should be sufficient evidence that he doesn’t belong there, perhaps a special school for special cases exist in the area, but in truth even if it doesn’t this incident is very serious and warrants the older kid being expelled from the school. He didn’t push your son around, he bit him in the neck to the point of bleeding! I mean what’s next?!

There are some very basic rules the 18 year-old’s mom didn’t teach her son or he’s simply out of control, in neither cases should he be allowed to stay in that school. You’ll find many good qualities in a school staff but courage is a scarce commodity. I’d threaten to press charges unless the kid’s mother accepts to remove her son from the school permanently. As for the threat of suicide, she’s either trying to manipulate you or this is a real concern, whichever the case may be I predict this woman is nowhere near the end of her agonizing over her son. If as Catholics we are allowed to kill someone in self-defense then I don’t see why it wouldn’t be legitimate for you to demand that the young man be removed from the school.

More importantly, how does your son feel about being around him again?
 
Forget the school.

File charges against the 18 year old with local law enforcement.
 
It is amazing in this world of ‘zero tolerance’ that the kid was not suspended from school. I think I might ask for some action from the school towards this kid rather than trying to send him to jail…but then again, I’d be pretty ticked off if my kid got bit, so who knows how I would actually react in the situation.:confused:
If he has a documented mental/developmental problem, the school may be limited in what they can do with him.

I used to work for the juvenile courts system down here. There was one kid who was in and out of our courts due to violent behavior. Because of his diagnosed mental incapacity, we were limited in what we could do with him. I felt really bad because this kid is extremely violent and one day I will not be surprised to pick up the morning paper and read about him having killed someone.
 
I would never have my son return to that school. An 18 year old who BITES another student? No, no, no. It is also not your responsibility to worry about that person’s ultimate decision to suicide for serving consequences of his actions. Yes, file charges.
 
Perhaps you should consult an attorney and get advice on what to do next. Not necessarily to file a lawsuit, but just to find out what the next steps should be and what documentation of events you should be keeping.
 
I would go to the police. You do not know if there have been other incidences that the foster parents or school have turned a blind eye towards. Charges may prevent another from being attacked, and may lead to help for the troubled young adult
 
  1. Pray with your son for the boy who attacked him.
  2. Enroll you son in some self defense classes. Pacificsm (universal rejection of force) is not Catholic. It is Catholic to defend oneself from bodily harm.
  3. Instruct your son to never talk to the police unless you or a lawyer (representing him) is present. It is a good habit for him and you to get into. If he is a witness or potential witness of a crime he should politely tell the officer that he will make a statement once his guardian (you) is present. Even if he is not the target of an investigation he could say something that is misinterpreted. If he was searched and was not the target of an investigation then the police did not have probable cause and performed an illegal search. Contact the internal affairs office of the agency that the officers belong to.
  4. Consider homeschooling. Public schools and even some Catholic schools are sewers lacking any moral formation whatsoever.
 
The 18 y/o just learned why abusers get to continue to abuse. And why he himself has been abused. Everyone got their wrist slapped. And no one has paid the price.

Sadly, no one cared enough about this 18 y/o until it was too late. He’s now an adult, and he must be held accountable.

The cycle must be stopped.

Also, I wouldn’t assume your son is this 18 y/o’s first offense/victim. I seriously doubt this guy just recently become a head case and abusive. And I suspect that privacy issues will prevent you from knowing his REAL victim count.

While it will be very sad if this 18 y/o becomes just another statistic that goes to jail. We have to protect the innocents that walk the street.

Break the cycle.
 
It is amazing in this world of ‘zero tolerance’ that the kid was not suspended from school. I think I might ask for some action from the school towards this kid rather than trying to send him to jail…but then again, I’d be pretty ticked off if my kid got bit, so who knows how I would actually react in the situation.:confused:
Yep!

OP, If there’s still evidence of the assault (and the school’s record constitutes evidence too!), then basically take action.

I would contact the school and tell them that their response was utterly insufficient to deter the bully from assaulting your child again (and that it will not serve as a preventative to other children). Tell them that, having an understanding of the bully’s background, you are giving them a charitable chance to extend their actions to one which will suit the severity of a bite which punctures skin.

Then inform them that if they won’t take action, you will file criminal charges with the police against both the school and the bully.

You’re mama bear… you protect your cubs!
 
I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

If you haven’t already- I would strongly suggest taking a photo of the mark and thoroughly documenting the events as they transpired while it is still fresh on your and your son’s mind.

Frankly, I believe bullies continue to be bullies until there is an action sufficient enough for them to warrant a change. I doubt your son was the first victim. . . I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this situation.

Praying for your family.
God Bless
 
Thank you all for your advice, thoughts and prayers, it is appreciated. My son and I have been saying the Rosary every night since the accident for this young man and his family.

All 6 attorneys’ I’ve spoken to, have informed me that the D.A. probably won’t pursue because the boy is mentally challenged. Most won’t take the case unless I pursue large monetary damages. If I did, I know that we would give all monies to charity/church, as that is not what we seek.

As for the “drug” incident… I’ve been advised by attorneys that it is hard to battle a school district and can be costly. Legal Aid said it would be June before they could even see me.

I learned today that I would be unable to homeschool my son because here in Tennessee you have to have a Bachelor’s Degree to do so. Regardless of which program you choose, I have an Associates Degree. We only have one Catholic High School here and it is over $10,000 per year, which is not an option for us.

I’m taking each day as it comes, but for now my son will be taught at home, until I hear back from the school board, or truancy shows up at my door.

Your prayers and advice are a blessing.

Thank you all 🙂
 
Thank you all for your advice, thoughts and prayers, it is appreciated. My son and I have been saying the Rosary every night since the accident for this young man and his family.

All 6 attorneys’ I’ve spoken to, have informed me that the D.A. probably won’t pursue because the boy is mentally challenged. Most won’t take the case unless I pursue large monetary damages. If I did, I know that we would give all monies to charity/church, as that is not what we seek.

As for the “drug” incident… I’ve been advised by attorneys that it is hard to battle a school district and can be costly. Legal Aid said it would be June before they could even see me.

I learned today that I would be unable to homeschool my son because here in Tennessee you have to have a Bachelor’s Degree to do so. Regardless of which program you choose, I have an Associates Degree. We only have one Catholic High School here and it is over $10,000 per year, which is not an option for us.

I’m taking each day as it comes, but for now my son will be taught at home, until I hear back from the school board, or truancy shows up at my door.

Your prayers and advice are a blessing.

Thank you all 🙂
Is there another school nearby? You could always go for a cross-district agreement that would allow your son to transfer schools despite the fact that he lives in a different district… That’s what I did in high school…
 
Argh. That’s exactly how I became a criminal lawyer (not US, though, Europe here). School is just a couple of years but shapes people forever unless they put in a lot effort. If the 18 y.o. really was himself a victim of abuse, then we can see how that stuff perpetuates. People learn that it pays better to abuse so that at least they aren’t on the bottom of the ladder and they still get some. They learn this while they see that the law enforcement (including school) is silent. What I’ve seen of dispute resolution by teachers has probably altered my personality forever, realistically speaking. I would be giving those people a big bad time if I were there. If I were an American attorney, I’d probably name them all as defendants and make them… errr, sorry, TMI. They failed to handle your son’s abuse case, apparently, and the cover-ups about the pat-down on a strange tip from a mysterious person are a striking, blatant case of somebody going rogue. That is possibly more dangerous than a mentally challenged 18 year old with problems. I am not advocating filing complaints all over the place but one or two with the proper authorities could do the trick. I’d complain against the police and school officials involved not even in the pat-down but in the blatantly dishonest explanation (as I understand it) of the facts to you when asked, including failure to notify you. This is a serious procedural misstep that could actually get someone a slap or two upside the neck rather than on the wrist.
 
Thank you all for your advice, thoughts and prayers, it is appreciated. My son and I have been saying the Rosary every night since the accident for this young man and his family.

All 6 attorneys’ I’ve spoken to, have informed me that the D.A. probably won’t pursue because the boy is mentally challenged. Most won’t take the case unless I pursue large monetary damages. If I did, I know that we would give all monies to charity/church, as that is not what we seek.

As for the “drug” incident… I’ve been advised by attorneys that it is hard to battle a school district and can be costly. Legal Aid said it would be June before they could even see me.

I learned today that I would be unable to homeschool my son because here in Tennessee you have to have a Bachelor’s Degree to do so. Regardless of which program you choose, I have an Associates Degree. We only have one Catholic High School here and it is over $10,000 per year, which is not an option for us.

I’m taking each day as it comes, but for now my son will be taught at home, until I hear back from the school board, or truancy shows up at my door.

Your prayers and advice are a blessing.

Thank you all 🙂
“Well-ordered charity starts with oneself”. Keep some to send your son to the best Catholic school(s) and to cover college/university tuition fees. Giving him a nice start in life, accademia-wise, is not selfish.
 
…I learned today that I would be unable to homeschool my son because here in Tennessee you have to have a Bachelor’s Degree to do so. Regardless of which program you choose, I have an Associates Degree. We only have one Catholic High School here and it is over $10,000 per year, which is not an option for us.

I’m taking each day as it comes, but for now my son will be taught at home, until I hear back from the school board, or truancy shows up at my door.

Your prayers and advice are a blessing.

Thank you all 🙂
With all that you and your son have been through from this recent experience, you shouldn’t have to worry about truancy charges. If you plan to teach your child at home, I suggest you check out the home school legal defense association. It looks like there were some changes to your state’s homeschool laws in 2011. hslda.org/hs/state/tn/201106230.asp

Here are some more links from hslda: hslda.org/hs/state/TN/default.asp
hslda.org/laws/analysis/Tennessee.pdf
 
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