Childless at 31, A Rant

  • Thread starter Thread starter tabsie3210
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Tabsie - if you live in the Detroit metro area, PM me.
Seriously.
I got TWO fellas for you!
I’m trying to find nice girls for them and I am having one heck of a time and you sound sweet. And funny!
 
Tabsie - if you live in the Detroit metro area, PM me.
Seriously.
I got TWO fellas for you!
I’m trying to find nice girls for them and I am having one heck of a time and you sound sweet. And funny!
Alas, I live in Texas. Believe me, I’d love to go for it, except a lot of guys aren’t big on long distant relationships. Bah, humbug.
 
🙂 Hi Tabsie,

You mention that your OP is an answer to an incorrect and stereotypical way that you feel you are classified. But is anyone actually trying to classify you? You’ve noticed some disturbing stereotypes on certain Christian websites/blogs…But none of these stereotypes fit you, as you’ve stated. So just don’t take them personally. You are who you are, your life is your own business and who the heck cares what some random strangers think about other random strangers your age? They aren’t talking about you, are they? They can’t be, because they don’t even know you. 😉
 
Dear Tabsie and Lucy and everyone.
Yep, we have to understand that Christian life is not about looking back at our missed chances, our bad choices in the past, but about the present. This is the moment.
I have gone through monastic periods of my life where I studied and prayed all day long and did not meet people. Then I have been at places or joined new activities where I suddenly met a lot of people… This is also the times where I reached out and was social.
I can highly recommend stepping out of the comfort zone and meeting people… all kinds of them… it may mean you get your heart broken or get a lot of weird friends but life is about communication… at least thats what I feel. Love and be loved. Bless and be blessed. Christianity is a faith too for this life and there is nothing wrong with “hoping against hope” like Abraham did… getting Isac back in this life.
keep the joy and wonder …
 
I’ve gotten a little of that, but definitely more of the “Why don’t you have kids? Don’t you want kids?”-“You’re not getting any younger, you know”-“Oh you couldn’t possibly understand, you’re NOT a parent”-“Doctors can fix that, you know”-“The Church doesn’t allow birth control” attitude. I’m starting to notice a chillier attitude toward me from a few people in my parish- people who know that I’ve been married for several years now, people who were chilly toward my parents for having only one child (I was conceived only after my mother had surgery to remove uterine fibroids), but who have always been friendly to me. A couple of them are EMHCs- I’m waiting for them to try and deny me the Eucharist.
I totally understand where you are coming from, SeekerJen. I’ve been married a little over 5 years. We have been actively trying to have children for almost 2 years and are currently infertile. My parents were infertile for a long time as well before I was born. But it gets me that people will either assume that we are using birth control or will give us a hard time that we don’t have children yet or will assume that we are choosing not to have children and applaud us for it and basically telling us in so many words that they wished they never had children. We’ve gotten similar comments like you. They really need to keep their nose in their own business. My response is that when God decides it is for us to have a child, we will have one. My parents did everything to get pregnant and they believe that they did get pregnant on God’s terms and timing - not their own. That’s how I am looking at our infertility now. I’m not going to stress myself out with it. There is probably a reason for why we haven’t had children yet and I’m just going to trust in God’s timing and what He wants - not what I or my husband want.
 
“There is probably a reason for why we haven’t had children yet and I’m just going to trust in God’s timing and what He wants - not what I or my husband want”. Quoting Sarabande

Absolutely, the same goes for marriage. If, at the beginning, nearly 300 years of persecution and no telling how many martyrs gives God glory and His Church “seed” for 1700+ years more, we are on the verge of mortal sin if we dwell on the mere inconvenience of an “exile” spent in a way less preferred than we would like, no matter how it or what other people say makes us think or feel.

I empathize, the only thing I EVER wanted was a girlfriend/wife. Problem was I should have wanted God more. Instead of finding Him, His true Church, then to possibly a relationship in accordance with His Will, He led me from bad relationships and a bad marriage to Him and His Church. He leads me now. I was so totally selfish just in wanting even what is Godly and Sacramental, we must seek Him and His Will first. Er… Happy New Year, Y’all
 
🙂 Hi Tabsie,

You mention that your OP is an answer to an incorrect and stereotypical way that you feel you are classified. But is anyone actually trying to classify you? You’ve noticed some disturbing stereotypes on certain Christian websites/blogs…But none of these stereotypes fit you, as you’ve stated. So just don’t take them personally. You are who you are, your life is your own business and who the heck cares what some random strangers think about other random strangers your age? They aren’t talking about you, are they? They can’t be, because they don’t even know you. 😉
Claire:

Have you ever happened upon a website run by militant Muslims that claim that all Americans are selfish, unchaste, and evil, in league with the devil? I can point you to some of them.

Have you never felt a sense of injustice at those words? At being labeled without someone knowing that you’re not like that at all, that most households in America aren’t like that?

What about Evangelical websites that talk about priests raping younglings, especially boys, who make this out to be a problem that extends from the Pope all the way down, where nobody is safe around priests because they’re unmarried and ready to explode, and they’ll grab the first available, vulnerable person availabl, usually alter boys?

Haven’t you ever wanted to pull your hair out in frustration when someone calls you a Mary Worshiper?

What about when you sit down with someone who doesn’t understand Catholicism and you try to expalin that we don’t worship and we don’t worship a “cracker.” That we venerate Mary because of her role as the God-bearer, but that the emphasis has always been on God, not on her? You get a smile and a polite nod along the way if you’re lucky, but you know that when you leave that person, he’ll shake his head, say, “Poor girl doesn’t understand her own religion and why it’s so evil. We have to save her, because she’s so close to the truth!”

Have you ever been accosted on your way to Ash Wednesday services on a college campus by someone asking you to come with them and join their prayer group and Bible study? You her politely you have to be somewhere (no mention of church or Ash Wednesday at all) and she comes back with, “Yes, I know, I’ve seen you go into the Catholic Hall a few times. I want to tell you the truth about God.” You say, “No, thank you, I’m going to be late,” and that person shouts how she’ll pray for your salvation, God help you.

Have you ever turned on Penn and Teller’s BS because you find the show moderately amusing to find them ragging on Mother Teressa and talking about who Christ really was (A fantasy) and how there’s no way that God, Jesus, Buddah, or anybody else exists and how they feel sorry for us because we’re so inhbitied we can’t watch some of their show (like the episodes with the naked people, talking about porn stars and why sex outside of marriage is good, and why women should be allowed to go topless in public if men can), and how we never really enjoy life, and how those of us who never marry are going to end up regretting it at the ends of our lives because we never lived? Have you ever wanted to punch the television because these people DON’T know what they’re talking about, and yes, I agree with them that PETA is a violent organization, but I don’t agree with anything they say about sex, and they don’t know anything about Christianity!

And the problem is, these people are so out-spoken, loud, prominant and self-displaying that lots of people read them or watch them or hear about them, and then they start nodding along saying, “You’re right, those poor Catholics,” be they Christian, other religions, or atheists.

Now there I was browsing several Catholic websites talking about chastity and why it’s a shame that “all” women in their 30’s, the products of the post-baby-boom era, are wasting their time in meaningless love affairs and, because of it, unable to have children when they finally settle down in their 40’s. Or they complain about how we single women feel like we’re “entitled” to a child, and will go merrily along having babies out of wedlock because we can and who cares about the father?

Here’s me writing a dissenting opinion about single womanhood. I talk about the freedom to take care of my family and to focus on re-learning how to live with God, since I’ve always loved Him, but sometimes drift in our relationship, a problem I have in human life with human relationships as well. And here’s me getting a comment back about how if I’d married when I was younger, I’d have the stability to learn to live with God properly, through my marriage to a good Catholic husband.

Here’s me writing an opinion back about how hard it is to find a man to marry to be in a good stable relationship, especially when one is older and so many guys in my age range who are available are either divorcees (which is a good sign that the guy might leave me, too, if he did it once to someone else) or they expect a relationship not to entail bonds of any kind, so they can be ready to pick up and move at a moment’s notice.

I get back saying that, Hey, I just proved the point! I waited so long that now the chances of finding a decent Catholic husband are slim.
 
In frustration I talk about how it was hard for me to find someone to marry when I was younger because I wasn’t capable of finding a Catholic to marry, and the one guy I wanted to marry refused to convert, and he may have claimed to be Lutherine on his tax forms, but he was asking mutual Wiccan friends of ours to teach him pagan magic!

And I got back about how it was sad that I hadn’t married young so I could have avoided that.

You tell me, dearie, if it doesn’t feel sometimes like people are smiling and nodding and saying, “yes, I’m sure you’re right,” and then when you’re back is turned they look at you and say, “Poor thing, how wrong she is.”

THAT is why I wrote this rant. I wrote it for the same reason people write rants about how it’s so unfair that some Muslims that don’t bother to get to know us assume that while individuals of us might be all right, the majority of us are evil, and the ones that are “all right” are pathetic because we’re swept up in something evil that we don’t understand right, or we’d run screaming from it.

For the same reason that people who watched the anti-religious segments of Penn and Teller’s BS shouted at the screens, wrote dissenting opinions online, and then boycotted the show altogether. And why we’re horribly frustrated when a friend or co-worker spouts something from P&T and we can’t contradict them because they smile and nod and secretly think we’re idiots.

So here it is on the line - I’m not going to sit here and say, “But I’m not like that. I’m not unmarried out of selfishness or a desire to further my career. I’m just not able to find a husband yet,” and then have to watch someone smile and nod and say, “Of course you’re right,” and really be thinking, “Poor thing, she’s been avoiding marriage but thinks it’s not her fault because she didn’t think any of the available men that were surely in her life were worth settling down with early.”

I’m going to say, “Get your head out of the sand! Many people are unmarried because they can’t be married! Something, lifestyle or parents or sickness, or even social opinoin of us, has kept us from marrying, even though we’d love to!”

Whatever God has planend for me I’ll take, but I’m not going to sit here and let people go on smiling and nodding and thinking the contrary, not without putting up a fight. I can’t smack faces and shove them to the mirror and say, “Look in!” so I wrote this post instead.
 
“I wish to Heaven that these people would consider that its hard to find a husband these days! Many guys are responsible, hard working, and totally faithful. But many guys are irresponsible drifters who want an easy sexual relationship without having to put anything back into it, and those are the ones who are easiest to find because the good guys get snatched up too fast.”

I am turning 28 soon, and still single. I too have read the criticisms of singles - both men and women - that seem to assume it is that person’s “fault” for not being married yet. I’ve read pushy articles telling us to marry the first eligible person we see. I know many women who are afraid of losing independence and many men who are afraid of commitment. But I also know many who feel the way the OP feels, and genuinely WANT marriage, but it hasn’t worked out yet.

I do agree it is harder to find a good Catholic spouse these days because we live in a culture where devout Catholics are very much in the minority. It’s also harder to BE a good Catholic spouse. Even those who are devout may still be dealing with some major character issues or scars from a previous life that wasn’t so Christian.

I’ve personally never had trouble getting dates, but getting married is another issue. I have had great male Christian friends who are not Catholic. I was told I should not “hold out” for a Catholic spouse, but be realistic and marry. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it as I see marriage as a vocation. Then I’ve dated Catholics that have definitely NOT been the right ones to marry. Also, the older I get the more I realize I probably put too much emphasis on looks or “chemistry” in my earlier years (yep us ladies can be just as focused on finding “Ken” as some men are in finding “Barbie”). But silly mistakes like that aren’t necessarily the reason we are still single (plenty of married’s made silly mistakes when they dated!).

I often feel like I’ve incurred some major baggage from being single this long. I’ve felt angry, I’ve ranted, I’ve searched, I’ve bettered myself, I’ve “offered it up,” I’ve prayed, I’ve stopped praying, I’ve prayed some more… etc etc. I empathize with the OP in that I’ve gotten sick of all the various voices out there chiming in and offering their judgments of why we am not married (including those who tell us to stop thinking about marriage, lol, sheesh). All these voices add to the grief and confusion.

One blessing is that I DO have a great career, and if I marry I will be able to offer that gift (I like what the OP said about Proverbs 31). But I definitely have never put “career first.” I pray for all those going through the trial of modern singleness. I pray that we will each find peace and find wherever God wants us to be.
 
WHOA, ok this is a rant, and ok, it’s hard to find the right one to start a life with as we were so careful to not trip up thus far, but don’t start a thread to lash out at the first comments that are being read the wrong way.

Now I am in a very similar situation as well. I have my work that I love to do to offset this, but I meet a lot of people in it. I understand the generalizations made in the American lifestyle that you need to be out of your parents home at a certain age, but this is not a generalization of the Catholic church, you living with and aiding your parents is perfectly acceptable in our church culture, as long as you are a contributor and not a loafer. That being said, I don’t know who is telling you face to face that you are not up to their standards, but if what Tabsie said that people from militant Muslim sites, evangelical and baptists are slamming your faith and clergy…well…, thats what they always do and have always done. What are you doing on those sites anyway? Are you even Catholic? Those are only sites for government to monitor anyway, lol. Its like you take the abuse, the internet is your control, if you got on a site, its because you allowed yourself to get there.

Are you angry at the society you live in or the cyberspace of Catholic injustices? You need to read into the apologetics, any other denomination knockin Catholics should shut their mouths, we are a far happier religion. The percentile of abuse is lower actually by percentile, but because we are a very populous religion there could be more written or spoken through media outlets as any one predicament pops up, and of course media outlets skew their own biases in their material. catholicleague.org/research/abuse_in_social_context.htm

Just remember out of all the men they caught on NBC’s, “How to catch a Predator,” none were Catholic clergy, in fact there was one Religious affiliate caught, but he wasn’t Catholic or Christian!

Today’s dating scene, well, it bites! We are so picky, I won’t settle for just anyone, would you? Could you be happy being stuck with just anyone because he was available? Does he have skeletons in his closet, kids, excess baggage, crazy ex, trust/honesty problems, massive debt, history of abuse. Hate to tell you this, but time will tell, and you must get to know a new person by seeing what their family and friends say about him. All of this takes time.

Are you making an effort to join your Catholic communities young adult organizations? If there is not one, then would you consider creating it? Set up an event every season. I have prayed as long as you have, when I make big efforts I get big interest back, but Im flaky so I never follow through, maybe because I am not interested enough, I don’t know? Online dating sites are nice, they are convenient, but they are lure away from reality. We are respectively at a 50/50 rate married and single, but at certain ages in our families past generations, they were set-up, pre-arranged, marriage of convenience, and the shallowness of those times were that if you did not marry it actually was because no one wanted you, or you were too ugly or poor to marry. Not the case anymore, people want to find their own relationships and actually strive for love. Isn’t that nice? My mom’s cousin got married in Europe last month. Her first marriage and she is 49, sometimes you do not know what is in God’s plan. She is very happy now. Kids still may be a possibility, too, for her, so you never know.

Just be open to God’s will and maybe it will fall in your lap with time. If you are concerned moreover with time and biological clocks, well, then you are not looking for love or a great partner, you are looking to hurry along something that never should be, becareful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it, rushing this is something that may have dismal circumstances. Since I have very little experience to share with you, all I can say is that if it feels right, it is, you know when you know, an no one else can feel the way you do about it(except hopefully the other person involved):-). Good Luck!
 
OLHope -

I have no idea what to do with your response, either. You, like another respondant, have given me several “fixes,” but I don’t understand why. I never asked for any. Let me explain:
Are you angry at the society you live in or the cyberspace of Catholic injustices? You need to read into the apologetics, any other denomination knockin Catholics should shut their mouths, we are a far happier religion.
Neither. I was just pointing out that other Catholics are offended by someone arbitrarily declaring our religion inferior, and if that’s the case, why is it wrong for me to be offended when 30-something singles are arbitrarily looked down on, or assumptions are made about our sexual habits?
Hate to tell you this, but time will tell, and you must get to know a new person by seeing what their family and friends say about him. All of this takes time.
Yes. And it’s taking me longer than other people. And some commentors say that it shouldn’t take me this long, and that if it has taken me this long, obviously I’m putting off marriage for some selfish reason. That’s the issue of the rant.
Are you making an effort to join your Catholic communities young adult organizations?
Yes, but that’s beside the point. I’m not looking for a ‘fix’ to my single problem; anyway, I know what they are and I’m trying to use them. However, any ‘fix’ will take time. So why is someone else justified in assuming that if I’m going out with a Catholic man that I’m having sex with this guy and avoiding commitment? Why can’t they see that I’m just trying to work my way slowly to a marriage that will last? Why assume I’m single because I’m selfish?
Just be open to God’s will and maybe it will fall in your lap with time. If you are concerned moreover with time and biological clocks, well, then you are not looking for love or a great partner, you are looking to hurry along something that never should be
I’m unhappy that I don’t have a husband, but I would rather have a true Catholic husband when I’m 50 than a bad husband, whatever faith he professes, when I’m 35. But I don’t like being told that I’m selfish for not having a husband yet.
 
I agree with this rant. I am 25 and single and wish i was married but i have not yet found anyone suitible. I have only ever been asked out twice and both were Atheists so i had to say no.

Its really hard to find anyone I’m not ever sure where to look - I’m involved in a church youth group but where else? Work? Online? Pubs? Concerts? dancing?

In my parents day there use to be alcohol free dances and discos where people went to find marriage partners. Those places don’t exist anymore and even if they did the culture has changed so much that they’d just turn into pick up joints.
 
Well the rant is understood, but people are only offering “fixes” because they want to help you…, bring you back up from this funk you are in. No harm, no foul. I never inclined you did anything wrong, and you are not by far, selfish for being careful and following the rules of faith and virtue. I do not understand why the people in your area criticize your beliefs.

I don’t know if you live in the states or EU, but where I am from at my age, it is a 50/50 thing to encounter someone single or married, so I do not feel left out of much. I am frazzled to where you can look for a potential interests. To the previous poster, yes, use all those utilities. I, too, could not date men who were atheists, I respected their beliefs, but never could imagine a long term on it. I am a homebody, so the net and religious social circles are best for me because that usually narrows down that any potential man could be Catholic. If he had the faith and spirituality of one, even better.

My suggestion if you want to try the net, is to focus in on Catholic only, browse and read forums first before paying, even if it takes months to buy, if you think there is potential or a friendlier atmosphere, GODSPEED!

Here are some that are really nice:
avemariasingles.com



catholicmatch.com (who merged with catholicdate.com)

Study those for a while if your home anyway, look into their events, too, makes for a great weekend getaway. Even though you have been very patient thus far, many of the people in these forums recommend staying on and not giving up so easily, for some, it took years to find someone. Some of the forums get heated like any other (actually not so bad from what I have seen so far), again more tests of patience.

Be hopeful, you’re not alone.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top