Children born of adultery

[TheRealJuliane]

What if the child’s real father objects to this solution? He may intend to gain legal rights to his child. What if the man the woman is married to was a wicked brute in the first place and makes the other man’s child a servant? Not all women who cheat are cheating on a saint. Just as often, they are cheating on a jerk. There are too many possible variables to make a statement that one solution is the “right one”. If we were dealing with solid individuals, the situation wouldn’t exist in the first place.

Well, all of this is theoretical anyway, because the most likely case is that the baby would be aborted.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Well, all of this is theoretical anyway, because the most likely case is that the baby would be aborted.

This isn’t exactly theoretical, its incredibly common for children to be born out of adultery. The stereotype is that the child is passed off as the husband’s.

The consensus seems to be that the husband should raise the child as his own. What do you guys think a woman who has been cheated on should do about her husband’s child by another woman?

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

What is the Church’s position on children conceived through an adulterous affair? I know adultery is not a justifiable reason for an annulment, but what happens if a spouse conceives through adultery, what should the other spouse do?

The consensus seems to be that the husband should raise the child as his own. What do you guys think a woman who has been cheated on should do about her husband’s child by another woman?

In both cases I think the adults should, after much prayer, reflection, and consultation with religious, psychological, and legal leaders/professionals, do the best they can in terms of the best interests of everyone involved, especially the children.

And the rest of us should pray for them, respect whatever decision they make, and mind our own business.

Luna

 

[EasterJoy]

The child is innocent, and before the Throne of God ought to be treated as such. Any child who is accepted into one’s home must be totally accepted. Remember what the Lord’s special love for children: *Taking a child he placed it in their midst, and putting his arms around it he said to them, “Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but the one who sent me.” *Mark 9:36-37 Remember, too, that the Lord himself was undoubtedly treated by the ignorant and rash as the product of an adultery. That suffering was part of his own portion here on earth. As we treat these least ones then, so we treat the Lord.

The question is not how to treat the child, which should be clear, but whether to continue to live with the spouse who committed the adultery. The Church holds that the spouse who is the innocent victim of adultery has the right to sever conjugal living (Can. 1152). The other alternative is this: Can. 1155 The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate.

IOW, the innocent spouse is confronted with this trial: to either decide to reconcile after the adultery and to choose the admittedly difficult life of charity that with require or else decide that reconciliation is not appropriate. What is not allowed is to sit on the fence, pretending to forgive but continuing to punish both the innocent and the guilty, instead.

This is a very difficult choice, and not one that should be made without a great deal of careful reflection. This is one of the situations I believe the Lord was talking about when he advised us to “count the cost” before we take a course of action. For the sake of the child, this is not a project that one can afford to start and then not finish.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, all of this is theoretical anyway, because the most likely case is that the baby would be aborted.

This is a cynical and terrible answer, and it does not become you. God forbid that we resign ourselves to such outcomes as this.

 

[heaintheavy]

Putting away is the old term for seperation.
I see that you did not bother to read the link I provided but quite happily concluded that I was favouring stoning.
.

I have no idea if you favor stoning or not, and sure wouldn’t be happy if you did. I’d be appalled.

I just know my own opinion…and it’s what I already expressed-- that forgiveness is better than stoning.

 

[Art321]

I agree it is about the child. The child should be raised by his/her true biological father.

Clearly you are not a husband and a father. It is a matter of simple justice that no man should be required to raise another man’s child. It is immoral to expect a man to raise another man’s illegitimate child.

You know that fathers today are like an underclass of society. You say “it is all about the child” but you could not care less about the innocent husband in your scenario.

Just like fathers the world over. We are here to pay the bills and have become an underclass of society.

The church should stand up for natural justice and not be bent to serve the latest popularist norms of society.

I completely agree with you. When one is presented with such as situation, everyone must do what is best for the child although the innocent husband has no responsibility to raise another man’s child. So it should not be suggested as something that the innocent party must do and I don’t believe it is because of their “egos”. But if the innocent husband wishes to raise the child, then more power to him.

 

[aloe]

As a child of just such a situation, my biological parents were married to other people, I will tell you that the shame and psychological trauma of a child in such circumstances is almost unbearable.
My biological father left an estate worth millions of dollars to his four legitimate children and nothing to me or my five children.

:hug1: I am so sorry. Thanks for telling your story from the kid’s point of view. I do think you have a case with a lawyer about that last sentence.

 

[Allegra]

:hug1: I am so sorry. Thanks for telling your story from the kid’s point of view. I do think you have a case with a lawyer about that last sentence.

She might have a case for back child support that should have been given for her upbringing, however, a person has a right to give their own money to whomever they want after they die. If I have a million dollars, I can bequeath it to my first born, my last born, divide it equeally, give it to my college roommate, or donate it all to the Society for the Advancement of Toucans with Colorblindness. No one has the right to someone else’s money.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is a cynical and terrible answer, and it does not become you. God forbid that we resign ourselves to such outcomes as this.

But EasterJoy, it happens every single day! Do you really think that people choose to carry a baby when the future is so difficult no matter which direction you pick? I don’t understand why you think this is cynical when it is reality. Over 3,000 babies died just yesterday, and 3,000 more will have died by the end of the day today. People who cheat on their spouses have already overcome their marriage vows; they have shallower morals to start with.

I am not resigned to this outcome. I was at Planned Parenthood all day yesterday, trying to intervene as much as I could in their bottom line, and get women and men to turn around and not go into the clinic. Whatever their reasons are, abortion is not the answer, but society says that it is. One couple drove slowly out, the man rolled his window down and sadly took my post-abortion brochure. I told them that I was sorry, and that I am praying for them. When they drove away, I bawled my eyes out, knowing the reality that neither of them will ever forget that day. And I cried for the baby.

I am the least cynical person you will meet about abortion. It is literally all I can do just to go to Planned Parenthood to pray in sight of such a place. But I do it because our presence in prayer is one of the only things that actually turns people away.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

But EasterJoy, it happens every single day! Do you really think that people choose to carry a baby when the future is so difficult no matter which direction you pick? .

My mom did. (Although I am not the product of adultery.) Thousands of children are born to single moms, adulterers, poor and sick women every year. I can’t believe that you see this conversation as theoretical. I mean, there are people posting on this thread that prove that adulterers give birth. (Not to mention all of the people who find out that their kid isn’t their biological child.

Not to mention there are many happily married couples who have aborted, even though it would be fairly easy for them to have a child.

 

[petrel]

My circumstances were not ideal, but my legal father, who was raising another man’s child as you put it, was a bright spot in my bleak childhood. He treated me as his own, took me with him everywhere, paid child support to my mother when she divorced him (how ironic is that?) bought my school uniforms, lovely gifts at birthdays and Christmas, and was the only grandfather my children had, their much beloved Pop-pop. I see now what a truly superior man he was, and the pain he had to deal with. He would never have divorced my mother despite his suspicions. You are right, it is an awful lot to ask of a man, and I am in awe when I think back on it.

Hat’s off to him. But as long as this great deed is not regarded as the norm and a requirement for others to such an extent that they are even condemned by society, family and church if they choose to not take on the child

 

[Allegra]

Well, all of this is theoretical anyway, because the most likely case is that the baby would be aborted.

Fortunatly, this isn’t always the case. Many women who would get into an affair have it in their head that the “other man” is the one who really loves them and understands them and if it wasn’t for that nasty wife of his, he’d come and take her away from her useless husband. Sadly, many of these women manage to convince themselves that if they become pregnant it will force the other man to be hers. She imagines that the other man will leave his wife or the wife will divorce him when she finds out. Not that this isn’t an entirely sick situation, but it is, at least, one in which an abortion is unlikely.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

If there are already other children, adoption is not without problems. How can the other children feel secure, knowing that their mother is going to give away a sibling? No, the best result is for the woman to stay with her husband, and for the husband to sacrifice and be the child’s daddy. And contrary to petrels’ opinion, many men have done just that. It is actually very indicative of a man’s character to be able to love a child that is not his own. A real man can overcome his own pain and put the child first.

I can’t decide if that or life in prison would be more frightening. Think about it - a lot of times if a spouse commits adultery, it’s done and over with and there’s a healing process and you move on. Imagine being reminded of a spouse’s infidelity every day, and feeling torn between the fact that this child is both a gift from God and a reminder of your spouse’s infidelity?

“Real man” or not, as you call it, anyone going through such an experience is going to need extensive counseling. Extensive.

 

[cmscms]

I have forgiven my mother, and I’ve had extensive therapy, for many reasons. Hence my original post, to just love the child, and raise it. Any “man” who would allow his own ego to get in the way of taking care of an innocent child because of his wife’s transgression, doesn’t deserve to be called a man at all.

This thread isn’t about adultery, or what should be done to the spouse. This thread is about the child.

I am terribly sorry for what your mom put you through. And if a man chooses to raise someone else’s child as his own, that is a totally acceptable choice.

However, I don’t even want to think of the emotional pain a man goes through when he finds out his wife got pregnant by someone else. Forcing him to raise this child as his own would be very damaging to the child. It would show through in subtle ways of mistreatement and attitude towards the child. The man will always have the evidence of the infidelity. It is not his ego but a very big betrayal

CM

 

[Eleanor61]

Fortunatly, this isn’t always the case. Many women who would get into an affair have it in their head that the “other man” is the one who really loves them and understands them and if it wasn’t for that nasty wife of his, he’d come and take her away from her useless husband. Sadly, many of these women manage to convince themselves that if they become pregnant it will force the other man to be hers. She imagines that the other man will leave his wife or the wife will divorce him when she finds out. Not that this isn’t an entirely sick situation, but it is, at least, one in which an abortion is unlikely.

I think that my mother believed this. Of course the fact that this man started the affair when his wife, a beautiful blonde, was pregnant with their fourth child tells you all you need to know about him. Men who cheat on pregnant wives are among the lowest life forms out there.
I mentioned the money only because it was like a reiteration of his 38 year long refusal to acknowledge our relationship. I am not a mercenary person, but it ould have meant something to have been remembered, even posthumously.

 

[Allegra]

I think that my mother believed this. Of course the fact that this man started the affair when his wife, a beautiful blonde, was pregnant with their fourth child tells you all you need to know about him. Men who cheat on pregnant wives are among the lowest life forms out there.
I mentioned the money only because it was like a reiteration of his 38 year long refusal to acknowledge our relationship. I am not a mercenary person, but it ould have meant something to have been remembered, even posthumously.

I can’t imagine how painful it must have been for everyone involved. My grandmother’s father left her and her mother and went up to Michigan and started a new family. He never even got a real legal divorce. He just acted like they didn’t exist anymore. Years later, my grandmother was contacted by a half-brother who wanted to meet her. When their father died, the half-brother sent her a portion of the insurance policy money. It wasn’t a very big sum of money, but it meant alot to her that her half-brother had thought of her. She used it to buy a headstone for her mother’s grave and got some presents for her children.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

What is the Church’s position on children conceived through an adulterous affair? I know adultery is not a justifiable reason for an annulment, but what happens if a spouse conceives through adultery, what should the other spouse do?

The reason I responded that it was theoretical was because the OP asked the question from the standpoint of wanting to know what the other spouse should do. This was not a real situation.

I realize, for goodness’ sake, this happens in real life. I’m not stupid. I also know that babies conceived through adultery are frequently aborted.

 

[petrel]

And contrary to petrels’ opinion, many men have done just that. It is actually very indicative of a man’s character to be able to love a child that is not his own. A real man can overcome his own pain and put the child first.

This is exactly the attitude I am talking about. Where the innocent party is actually the one who is condemned as not being a “real man” because he will not adopt another man’s child.

Since when did adoption become forced and expected as an evidence of a man’s character?

 

[faithfully]

What rubbish. How can a man be expected to raise another man’s child as his own?
In old Israel Moses commanded adulterers to be stoned. That was a very good system but today we go all soft on adulterers. What a shame and a disgrace for a man to be expected under some false sense of religious mercy to not only raise an adulterers child but to allow the adulterer access to that child?

I understand that there is no divorce in the Catholic church; but the church does not prevent the putting away of a wife/husband for adultery. The church merely prevents divorce and remarriage.
These issues are discussed here newadvent.org/cathen/05054c.htm

If a spouse commits adultery and falls pregnant then the woman should be put away and the man should live a single life. But if he decides out of his own will, and not under any false sense of duty, to keep her as his wife then I agree he should raise the child as his own and deal with whatever consequences comes of that decision. However that is his own free decision and he must not be condemned if he chooses not to take back the mother and take on the child.

I can tell you for free that I would be taking the former course. Adultery is a despicable act specificallly because of the shame, disgrace and family destruction that it causes. Spurned illegitimate children are a consequence of adultery, not the consequence of a cheated husband who refuses to raise another man’s child.

And what of a man that cheats on his wife, and impregnates another woman. Perhaps She’s single. And wants him to support this child? Should a married women be expected to part with family income, perhaps enforced by way of legal action. Or should she put him away, and collect his check from here to ever after. And oh, yeah, deny him the right to see ANY of his children.

Your hostility is astounding.