Children leaving the faith.... a Dad's dilemma

[HouseArrest]

As a cradle Catholic, I will admit that I am sometimes jealous of people who have converted rather than been brought up as Catholic/Christian…
I’m 18, and I would draw a sort of analogy… In any sort of race, it is almost always more difficult to maintain a lead than it is to gain the lead later and ultimately come out on top. (Note that I’m not calling our faith a race or a competition… this is just an abstract kind of illustration.) In the same way, I feel as though it is difficult for me to maintain an intense and devout faith (I won’t get into my exact struggles at this time) whereas I have multiple friends who have recently (in the past few years) become Christians, and their faith is absolutely on fire. They often seem so confident of their faith when mine is lacking.

I would suggest that your son may be going through something similar. He has been Catholic all of his life, and at the moment he is probably seeking some sort of change. Unfortunately sometimes we see the change as putting less into our faith rather than putting more into it.

I’ll say a prayer for you and your family, and know that in time, you may just have a prodigal son… You just need to be open to discussion and avoid trying to force your beliefs upon him. Certainly bring up church and his faith when the opportunity presents itself. (I know I wish my parents had continued discussing my faith with me in my teen years…)

You could look at it as your faith being like a 50 year marriage and your friend’s faith as newlyweds. Certainly the newlyweds look to the unknowing like they are more in love, but we all know it’s the older couple that has stood the test of time and has the deeper relationship. A person can’t get that overnight, no matter how “on fire” they are. Don’t sell yourself short.

 

[musicality]

You could look at it as your faith being like a 50 year marriage and your friend’s faith as newlyweds. Certainly the newlyweds look to the unknowing like they are more in love, but we all know it’s the older couple that has stood the test of time and has the deeper relationship. A person can’t get that overnight, no matter how “on fire” they are. Don’t sell yourself short.

Thanks. That’s probably a better way to look at it.
Sometimes I just focus too much on how my friends are doing in their faith journey and neglect the fact that I’m not doing half-bad (but there’s definitely room for improvement.).

 

[wcknight]

My excuse when I lapsed was I did not want to be forced to attend mass. But that was only a small part of the problem. There was definitely a doubt or loss of faith along with this, and an inability to live up to the rules and principles of our faith…

I believe it was a good thing that I went through this and found more to solidify my faith. I found more reasons to believe along my journey. Maybe I would have discovered those anyway, if I did not lose my way.

I don’t think I ever became a complete atheist, but I certainly got to a point when I questioned most or all of Christianity or most or all of Catholicism.

I think what’s most important is that I never stopped searching. IF you are always looking for the Truth, sooner or later you will find it. That’s what I try to encourage most with my kids. I want them to at least continue looking for the Truth. God will surely lead them home, if they continue looking.

 

[zaramarie81]

Sir, don’t let it effect you as a father! I am a young man who went through many different questioning phases an rebellion phases while I was growing up, and even more from age 18-23ish!

I talked about it with my father recently, and he said that, while he was dissapointed, he knew he did the best he could to try and (name removed by moderator)art a strong faith in me. He also knew that he taught me to think for myself, and figure it out on my own.

With confidence that the Church is the truth, and that your children are seeking such, it’s going to be just fine. Sometimes we don’t know the glory until we turn away from it for a bit.

I want to echo this same post here. My upbringing sounds a bit more complex than what you and your wife have offered your own children, but in my late teens I wandered far from God like your kids have. I was not Confirmed until age 24 in spite of my father’s desire for me to be Confirmed at age 17. But… when I was finally confirmed it was my decision, and I was 100 percent on fire for the faith (a total 180 from what I’d been earlier!).

Your kids may wander for a time, but your love for the faith and love for your children has made an impact. I remember how much it felt like I was “coming home” when I was confirmed, and much of that had to do with my father’s influence. It may take some time for the seeds to blossom into full-grown, mature faith, but your efforts have not been wasted.

One thing my dad did to help me come back to the Catholic faith was treat me like an adult (because I was!) and make himself available for calm, loving conversation. I always felt I could ask him any questions about the faith - no matter how challenging - and he would be there to help me find answers. I even got a bit snippy or aggressive at times in my questioning, but dad, older and wiser, did not respond with anger but with love and resources to help me figure it out. He also did not judge me in regards to non-essential issue… for example, I went through a phase where I really identified more with charismatic, modern worship styles, and I didn’t identify with Latin and formal worship that is so often part of the Mass. So he found common ground by taking me to a retreat at Stuebie where we could “rock out” and didn’t make an issue out of .

And I’m sure he prayed… alot!

 

[schultzc]

I think my parents did great. My dad is one of 10. My mom is one of 8. All 18 had large families. None of their kids are still Catholic. My parents are the only ones that all their children stayed Catholic. I am youngest of 6 (with 7 of my own). Everyone else let their children decide to go to church or not when they were teenagers. My parents had one rule. As long as your living in my house you go to church. My brothers even rented rooms when they were in their 30’s. Still had to go to church. My sister rented a house from my parents, had to go to church. I stayed there while attending college, had to go to church. Because of this, we got through the “bored of church” phase to maturity. Now we all go because we want to. We all thank our parents for making us go when we didn’t want to. We all plan to keep this same rule as well. It was the best thing my parents ever did for us.

 

[zaramarie81]

You could look at it as your faith being like a 50 year marriage and your friend’s faith as newlyweds. Certainly the newlyweds look to the unknowing like they are more in love, but we all know it’s the older couple that has stood the test of time and has the deeper relationship. A person can’t get that overnight, no matter how “on fire” they are. Don’t sell yourself short.

I agree… I am like converts in many ways… didn’t really “get” my faith until my early 20’s and then was insanely on fire. Now that I’ve been Catholic for most of my 20’s, I have had my ups and downs, dry spells and even a crisis of faith. I feel much more like a cradle Catholic than I did in those first two years of reversion.

 

[Dana_Ray]

I have a similar situation with my two girls, both have left the church for Calvary Chapel pursuits. You go through all kinds of emotions like blame, regret, what ifs etc. My daughters fear that I’m not saved, It’s really hard to out argue or out apologise them. I think the words came to me recently during prayer and reflection, the words were - “Trust in God”, obvious but often overlooked. Do we really trust that God will move in their lives to show them truth, or will we in our human/worldly ways try and man-handle them back to Christ’s Church? Trusting in God requires us to let go and give Glory to the one who can make a difference in their lives, but believe me I’m working on that Trust, my ego doesn’t want to let go.

I hope this helps,

God Bless You

One other thing, we as Catholics, Clergy and Lay people need to do a better job with our youth, I know we’re trying, but many of our protestant’s counterparts offer fellowhip, prayer music, mentoring programs, ministries to Mexico and other foreign countries to help the poor. I’m not sure how to expand our current youth programs to be more inclusive for all youth but it’s one of the things I want to help with.

Thanks, DanaRay

 

[upbeatjonm]

As a cradle Catholic, I will admit that I am sometimes jealous of people who have converted rather than been brought up as Catholic/Christian…
I’m 18, and I would draw a sort of analogy… In any sort of race, it is almost always more difficult to maintain a lead than it is to gain the lead later and ultimately come out on top. (Note that I’m not calling our faith a race or a competition… this is just an abstract kind of illustration.) In the same way, I feel as though it is difficult for me to maintain an intense and devout faith (I won’t get into my exact struggles at this time) whereas I have multiple friends who have recently (in the past few years) become Christians, and their faith is absolutely on fire. They often seem so confident of their faith when mine is lacking.

I would suggest that your son may be going through something similar. He has been Catholic all of his life, and at the moment he is probably seeking some sort of change. Unfortunately sometimes we see the change as putting less into our faith rather than putting more into it.

I’ll say a prayer for you and your family, and know that in time, you may just have a prodigal son… You just need to be open to discussion and avoid trying to force your beliefs upon him. Certainly bring up church and his faith when the opportunity presents itself. (I know I wish my parents had continued discussing my faith with me in my teen years…)

I think your analogy of the race is right on. I don’t feel as though our Catholic education system really does a very good job of helping kids really understand and appreciate their faith. It is too easy to take for granted, and treat religion just like any other topic, like history, math, etc. that you can take or leave.

It is also hard to explain to a 19 year old how Mass is more exciting that playing video games. I don’t know if I would have understood that at that age myself. I guess wisdom sometimes comes from living longer.

 

[upbeatjonm]

I can’t offer you any advice on this from a parenting standpoint since my oldest is only 7, but I can tell you that my husband went to Mass every week from infancy until he was 17 1/2. He stopped going because he didn’t like that he was “forced” to go to Mass. He didn’t go back until he was 21 and engaged to be married. He went to Mass every week for about 18 months, fell away for several more years (because he didn’t feel like going–this frustrates me) and is now at Mass most weeks. So don’t lose hope that your older kids won’t come back to the church.

Thanks! I have to keep that hope.

 

[upbeatjonm]

I want to echo this same post here. My upbringing sounds a bit more complex than what you and your wife have offered your own children, but in my late teens I wandered far from God like your kids have. I was not Confirmed until age 24 in spite of my father’s desire for me to be Confirmed at age 17. But… when I was finally confirmed it was my decision, and I was 100 percent on fire for the faith (a total 180 from what I’d been earlier!).

Your kids may wander for a time, but your love for the faith and love for your children has made an impact. I remember how much it felt like I was “coming home” when I was confirmed, and much of that had to do with my father’s influence. It may take some time for the seeds to blossom into full-grown, mature faith, but your efforts have not been wasted.

One thing my dad did to help me come back to the Catholic faith was treat me like an adult (because I was!) and make himself available for calm, loving conversation. I always felt I could ask him any questions about the faith - no matter how challenging - and he would be there to help me find answers. I even got a bit snippy or aggressive at times in my questioning, but dad, older and wiser, did not respond with anger but with love and resources to help me figure it out. He also did not judge me in regards to non-essential issue… for example, I went through a phase where I really identified more with charismatic, modern worship styles, and I didn’t identify with Latin and formal worship that is so often part of the Mass. So he found common ground by taking me to a retreat at Stuebie where we could “rock out” and didn’t make an issue out of .

And I’m sure he prayed… alot!

This response helps quite a bit. thanks.
I am trying to figure a way to keep our relationship strong, and not treat this as a personal slap in the face.

 

[kage_ar]

Why is it considered “normal” for Catholic young people to leave the Faith?

Growing up in the evangelical Christian world, had a parent come with a question like this it would have been a shocking rare tragedy, and the entire community would be helping to bring this young person back to Christ.

In the Catholic world, the common reaction is “oh, that is normal”.

Sorry, but this convert does not understand how this is normal

 

[HiggDo]

My 19 year old son just said that he is not attending church today, and doesn’t want to anymore. I tried convincing him of the importance of staying. He can’t be convinced. This is just heartbreaking to me.

I have two daughters who did the same basic thing. I have an 18 year old son and a 12 year old son, and a wife who still attend.
My faith is very important to me, and the fact that my 3 oldest children have all fallen away, is tearing me up.

I feel like a failure as a father.
What have others done in this situation?

Jon

Dear Jon,

Your pain sounds terrible. I hear your grief and stress. I pray that your heart might find peace.

I have only wondered about this myself. We have 2 teens- a freshman and a sophmore and while they both are active in their faith life, I have considered what would happen should they, in their still-developing maturity, decide to walk away from their faith.

I guess the only reasonable answer I can come up with is that it must be a necessary part of their individual journey and I would hope for and pray for the strength to trust that they are still under the care and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Further, I have considered that maybe they would need to walk away in order to truly find the ultimate meaning and purpose to life, upon their returning to Christ as lost lambs in need of a shepherd.

As unnerving as it seems, I would probably feel helpless and without control as I continued to try to persuade them which, in retrospect might be a good lesson for me to learn to surrender, since it is only my ego that tells me I can control or affect the outcome of such things. Trust in the Lord.

I am sorry for your pain. You are not a failure as a father. Your concern exemplifies your goodness. Continue to pray, have hope, faith and trust in God’s providence and by doing so, you will further express what a great father you actually are.

May God bless you and your family.

 

[HiggDo]

Why is it considered “normal” for Catholic young people to leave the Faith?

Growing up in the evangelical Christian world, had a parent come with a question like this it would have been a shocking rare tragedy, and the entire community would be helping to bring this young person back to Christ.

In the Catholic world, the common reaction is “oh, that is normal”.

Sorry, but this convert does not understand how this is normal

I, as a Catholic, don’t think its necessarily a normal thing but it does happen since all human beings have their God- given free will and separate dignity as individuals. Once kids reach a certain age like 16-21, it is nearly impossible to force them to do anything they don’t want to do and as is usually the case, attempting to force them only causes us to push them further away as they go running off in resentment…

Have you ever done things your parents didn’t want you to?

Did you ever regret those choices?

How else do we usually learn our best lessons except through our failures and mistakes?

I remember well my mother telling me not to touch the hot stove when I was a small boy and after I touched it and got burned and cried, my mother comforted me… and I never did it again. Her telling me wasn’t enough, I had to experience it.

So, it might not be that we cavalierly say “Oh well, it’s normal…” but I recognize that it happens and in humility I understand that ultimately I am not in control. Sure, I might beg, plead, pray, elicit help from others, insist, guilt, hope and stomp my feet but ultimately, even though I won’t give up, I understand and respect that they “will” make their own choices. To rob them of their free will and choices as human beings is to rob them of their God-given dignity as His creation… It’s all about trust in God’s omnipotence.

Obviously, I am only talking about learning and growing in faith and not in condoning or allowing them to do something illegal or dangerous.

We teach them, we nurture them and help them to grow in our vocation as parents and caretakers of God’s vineyard but it is God who offers the grace and they must accept it freely, of their own accord- we cannot force it on them.

 

[Jossy]

My 19 year old son just said that he is not attending church today, and doesn’t want to anymore. I tried convincing him of the importance of staying. He can’t be convinced. This is just heartbreaking to me.

I have two daughters who did the same basic thing. I have an 18 year old son and a 12 year old son, and a wife who still attend.
My faith is very important to me, and the fact that my 3 oldest children have all fallen away, is tearing me up.

I feel like a failure as a father.
What have others done in this situation?

Jon

Dear Jon,
You are a unique person, especially feeling what you feel about your children leaving the faith. This is the Holy Spirit dwelling in your heart.
This is the spirit of rebellion and you must rebuke it always.
I have had similar situations with my younger daughter (12) and son (17) who do not attend church every Sunday.
I see this as a spiritual fight - Good against Evil and I always commit this in prayer. I gather them in the evenings and we have a family devotion and I pray for the Holy Spirit to administer to their souls and I commit us all to God.
It will take time, but God has HIS own time to answer our prayer. All we do is keep on praying.
I will remember your children in my prayer’s.
God bless you and your family.
Josey

 

[kage_ar]

I, as a Catholic, don’t think its necessarily a normal thing but it does happen since all human beings have their God- given free will and separate dignity as individuals. Once kids reach a certain age like 16-21, it is nearly impossible to force them to do anything they don’t want to do and as is usually the case, attempting to force them only causes us to push them further away as they go running off in resentment…

Have you ever done things your parents didn’t want you to?

Did you ever regret those choices?

How else do we usually learn our best lessons except through our failures and mistakes?

I remember well my mother telling me not to touch the hot stove when I was a small boy and after I touched it and got burned and cried, my mother comforted me… and I never did it again. Her telling me wasn’t enough, I had to experience it…

Letting me learn that if I stay up til 4 AM it is hard to get up for work the next day, learning that if I do not budget my money I will be broke, that if I eat bad food I will be fat… sure.

bviously, I am only talking about learning and growing in faith and not in condoning or allowing them to do something illegal or dangerous.
.

The MOST dangerous thing a person can do is to walk away from God.

Maybe it is that evangelical upbringing, I KNEW that if I sinned and walked away from God - if I died, I would go to hell. I would not have renounced my faith, I knew what the alternative was.

It is odd that I see so many Catholic young people who don’t have that same
“fear of God”.

 

[churchsecretary]

I understand the idea of making rules that “as long as you live at home, you attend Mass”–but it just doesn’t always work. Friends of mine from church have several children. Their daughter, as an older teen, was forced to go to Mass. Know what she did? Everything to cause a spectacle of herself–stood when she was supposed to sit, walk around when she was supposed to kneel, talked out loud when she was supposed to be silent, etc. They are quiet people & just gave up. She is now in her 40’s & has never returned to church.

In my own family I am the only one of 4 who regularly attends Mass. My one brother goes to an evangelical Prot church with his wife & kids, my sister & her husband never go to church at all (& he was also raised in a devout home, attended Catholic schools, was an altar server, etc.), and my younger brother occasionally attends but doesn’t really practice the faith. My mom prayed for all of them until the day she died–& I know this for a fact because I found her prayer list, laid aside with her rosary & prayer book. Our priest mentioned the prayer list at her funeral (not mentioning specific names, of course) & I figure if THAT didn’t bring them back, only God can do it in His own time.

 

[geekborj]

My 19 year old son just said that he is not attending church today, and doesn’t want to anymore. I tried convincing him of the importance of staying. He can’t be convinced. This is just heartbreaking to me.

I have two daughters who did the same basic thing. I have an 18 year old son and a 12 year old son, and a wife who still attend.
My faith is very important to me, and the fact that my 3 oldest children have all fallen away, is tearing me up.

I feel like a failure as a father.
What have others done in this situation?

Jon

Hey, is your “heartbreak” because of your failure? or that “your faith is important to you”? How about asking about the faith of your children? Do they understand their faith?

Pray that they may realize how important their own faiths are just like you have already realized. Remember, God has His own ways of obtaining the greatest good in everything that happens. Stand by His plans. Be his instrument rather than fulfill your own happiness as a father. Never claim the bragging right, it is the Holy Spirit who works in each of us.

God bless. A prayer for your family.

 

[upbeatjonm]

Dear Jon,

Your pain sounds terrible. I hear your grief and stress. I pray that your heart might find peace.

I have only wondered about this myself. We have 2 teens- a freshman and a sophmore and while they both are active in their faith life, I have considered what would happen should they, in their still-developing maturity, decide to walk away from their faith.

I guess the only reasonable answer I can come up with is that it must be a necessary part of their individual journey and I would hope for and pray for the strength to trust that they are still under the care and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Further, I have considered that maybe they would need to walk away in order to truly find the ultimate meaning and purpose to life, upon their returning to Christ as lost lambs in need of a shepherd.

As unnerving as it seems, I would probably feel helpless and without control as I continued to try to persuade them which, in retrospect might be a good lesson for me to learn to surrender, since it is only my ego that tells me I can control or affect the outcome of such things. Trust in the Lord.

I am sorry for your pain. You are not a failure as a father. Your concern exemplifies your goodness. Continue to pray, have hope, faith and trust in God’s providence and by doing so, you will further express what a great father you actually are.

May God bless you and your family.

Thank you for the kind words. I now believe God is going to bring good out of this. I realize that I am not in control of everything, and need to trust God more. God is the savior, not me. God will bring the growth from the seeds I help to plant.

 

[upbeatjonm]

Dear Jon,
You are a unique person, especially feeling what you feel about your children leaving the faith. This is the Holy Spirit dwelling in your heart.
This is the spirit of rebellion and you must rebuke it always.
I have had similar situations with my younger daughter (12) and son (17) who do not attend church every Sunday.
I see this as a spiritual fight - Good against Evil and I always commit this in prayer. I gather them in the evenings and we have a family devotion and I pray for the Holy Spirit to administer to their souls and I commit us all to God.
It will take time, but God has HIS own time to answer our prayer. All we do is keep on praying.
I will remember your children in my prayer’s.
God bless you and your family.
Josey

Josey, thank you for the thoughts and prayers. My son is a good kid, and this is just a way to break from the nest, so to speak. I don’t mind him rebelling a little against me, I just wish is wasn’t hurting his faith.

 

[TexCatholic4JMJ]

Upbeatjonm,
Do I understand correctly that your wife is together with you on this? My problem with
my kids is that their dad (we were still married) told them that they did not have to go
to church if they didn’t want to. And dad told me that Father had told him not to
force them. My deal was that they should go as long as they were living in the home.
It affected my daughters very badly. Dads are SO important. (He also quit going at
about the same time…a few years later we were divorced.)
I pray for those of my children who have strayed, and I know the Lord will bring them
home. I pray for their dad as well. Sometimes I am very alone in standing on principle,
but I don’t compromise. Especially on abortion, escr, and euthanasia. I try to study
my faith as much as possible so that the Holy Spirit can give me the words to answer
any question they might have.
Like you, I do not believe that they had the grounding and understanding of the faith,
and I fault myself some for not being more aware of the poor CCD classes.
But I can’t do much about that now, so I pray and love them. I also pray that the Lord
will bring good Catholics into their lives that might influence them.
I will pray for your children, too.