Chivalry question

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Well…I expect the door to be opened for me. My husband opens all doors, even my car door. And so do all of my male friends. It’s not even something I think about, so if I happen to be out somewhere and a guy opens a door in front of me and he doesn’t hold it, I’ve had to stop short otherwise I would have had a door in my face. Haha. I always feel such a jolt of surprise…

This past spring it was my last semester in college, and I was about to enter into a classroom building. There was a guy right behind me so I stopped to wait for him to open the door. We looked like night and day…he had the Gothic/alternative/grunge thing going on and i was doing my usual skirt thing…he stopped confused for a second, and I asked him politely, “I’ll let you get the door, if that’s alright?” When I asked, he sprang into action, mumbling, “Oh…yes yes of course…sorry”. I smiled broadly, and thanked him, and went on my way. He also got the second door, before which I did a graceful pause…Sometimes I think men need a little push to be gentlemen…or probably to be reminded that we like them to be gentlemen.
 
queen_anne78 said:
“I’ll let you get the door, if that’s alright?” When I asked, he sprang into action, mumbling, “Oh…yes yes of course…sorry”. I smiled broadly, and thanked him, and went on my way. He also got the second door, before which I did a graceful pause…Sometimes I think men need a little push to be gentlemen…or probably to be reminded that we like them to be gentlemen.
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Ha ha! You are such a princess! I love it.😃

Most of the guys I work with open doors and stuff, my husband is pretty good about it too. Here is what I do in the double door scenario, I slow down a bit to give the guy a chance to get there first. Ha ha. Then I go through and open the second door but I go ahead and go through but hold it open for him AFTER I’ve already gone through, or if its the kind that opens in instead of out, I’ll stand in the door way and hold the door until he’s able to hold it for himself. So I’m still being polite.

The only time I’ve ever held a door open for a man to walk through is if he’s carrying something heavy or is pushing a cart.

I too am always a little suprised when a man lets a door close in my face.
 
Trelow said:
Typically with double doors, after I’ve held the first door, if they hold the second, I’ll take it from then and tell them to go ahead. If they try to just go through it I rush to get it to hold it. It’s hardwired, I can’t help it.
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This is what I would do also. If I’m going through a door and there is a woman also going through the door, I will hold the door. I will even wait if she isn’t quite there yet. If the woman holds the second door for me I will grab hold of the door and politely ask that she go ahead.
dulcissima said:
See, that is always the dilemma. On the one hand it would be natural for me to want to return the favor, on the other hand, I would hate to interfere with a gentleman being a gentleman.
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A gentleman will not be upset at you “interfering” by returning the favor. He will just take hold of the door and let you go ahead.
 
I would have been delighted if you had waited a second or two for me to catch the door.

I just despise the double-door set-up and how they seem to destroy the sense of chivalry. I usually catch the first door, and then don’t quite know how to handle the second as women around here usually grab the second one. That moment is always awkward. I have no clue whether I should grab the second door and insist she go through first. If I take the second door from her I feel like I’m making an overly proud display of chivalry as well as potentially offending a “liberated woman”. If I walk through, the whole exchange just seems stupid.
 
Nechasin said:
A gentleman will not be upset at you “interfering” by returning the favor. He will just take hold of the door and let you go ahead.
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Hooray! You get the official gentleman stamp, sir! 🙂

c
 
Black_Jaque said:
I would have been delighted if you had waited a second or two for me to catch the door.

I just despise the double-door set-up and how they seem to destroy the sense of chivalry. I usually catch the first door, and then don’t quite know how to handle the second as women around here usually grab the second one. That moment is always awkward. I have no clue whether I should grab the second door and insist she go through first. If I take the second door from her I feel like I’m making an overly proud display of chivalry as well as potentially offending a “liberated woman”. If I walk through, the whole exchange just seems stupid.
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See, that is what bothers me too. That is exactly why I asked this question. Ok, next time I will try to unobtrusively wait for the second door. 🙂 Thanks, gentlemen.
 
I think due to to my small statue, I often have people(guys and girls) open the door for me.

I guess that I am odd in that I don’t consider opening the door something that a guy does for a girl, or an innately masculine activity. It just seems thoughtful to hold the door for someone else.I open doors for guys all the time. I certainly don’t consider myself a feminist.
 
Syele said:
I too noticed that the rules seem different in different areas. When I moved to Austin for a couple of years I was always astonished that men opened doors for me so often, A couple of times a man got offended because I didn’t wait. Somehow, wearing a dress seems to make a difference. If I was wearing pants… less men felt the need to open doors and carry things for me.

So then I moved back to New Mexico. If I waited here for some man to open a door I might just be waiting outside for a couple of days. LOL

So If you were in Austin… he was being rude. If you were in New Mexico… You should have been extremely grateful for the first door. And remember what you are wearing seems to matter too. shrugs I haven’t tested any other places.
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I don’t know where in NM you are now but where I am I get men holding the doors for me all the time, even running up to open them!

I will tell you though that around 25 years ago I had an infant and a toddler and when I would go out I would put one in a stroller and carry the other on my back - I didn’t go out often then but often enough - I was at the mall one day, on my way in the door and this older man saw me coming with toddler hanging on my back (she used to wrap her arms around my neck and her legs around my chest) and baby in an umbrella stroller, he looked me in the eye and purposely opened the door, let himself in and let the door slam in just as the stroller came to the door - he then looked behind him as he opened the second door, entered it and continued on his merry way, while all this was happening a high school gentleman saw this, made his friends wait while he ran to get both doors for me, his friends waited patiently and did not rib him about it!

I think there is a generational thing going on too, not just regional. Like I said, there are many gentleman where I live who run to open doors for me and we smile at each other and continue on our way. Some of the older men (like 10 or 20 years older than I am) were young men during the time of the big “feminist revolution” and they got yelled at by their fair share of “womyn” for being polite and holding doors for them so they just got used to not doing it - but those my age and younger tend to be door openers ;).

Just my personal experiences.

Brenda V.
 
Brenda_V said:
I will tell you though that around 25 years ago I had an infant and a toddler and when I would go out I would put one in a stroller and carry the other on my back - I didn’t go out often then but often enough - I was at the mall one day, on my way in the door and this older man saw me coming with toddler hanging on my back (she used to wrap her arms around my neck and her legs around my chest) and baby in an umbrella stroller, he looked me in the eye and purposely opened the door, let himself in and let the door slam in just as the stroller came to the door - he then looked behind him as he opened the second door, entered it and continued on his merry way, while all this was happening a high school gentleman saw this, made his friends wait while he ran to get both doors for me, his friends waited patiently and did not rib him about it!

I

Brenda V.
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Such thoughtless behavior really irritates me. :mad:
 
AnnaTherese said:
In this case, though, it sounds purposeful, not thoughtless. Even worse.
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That’s awful! I have a vivid memory of changing my own tire when I was 7 months pregnant. I happened to be a work where there were only 5 females and about 200 men working there. That one just made me mad.

I think the regional thing just really stood out to me because I lived here for years and didn’t think much of the fact that no one opened doors for me, then when I moved I kept being surprised… till I got used to it and then came back here. And here again, I started to notice more.

I hadn’t thought about the generations so much but it makes sense. I’ve talked about it to men my age before and they tend to say they don’t really know how to act because they don’t know if they’ll be griped at for it or smiled at for it. Any guys reading this that worry about that… you may get a few that aren’t nice, but the rest of us will respect you even more for it. 😉
 
Some of these issues don’t seem to have as much to do with chivalry as common decency. Opening the door for another, assisting a parent carrying a child, helping someone change a tire, these are things that we should at least make an offer of assistance.

I am surprised that no one helped Svele change her tire when she was pregnant. I feel very protective of pregnant women and would not hesitate to help change a tire. So, it isn’t just the men at your work that should be ashamed but the other females as well.

I should probably point out that I have never changed a tire, so I probably wouldn’t be much help, but I would try.
 
Oh yea, changing tires for pregnant women.
I actually did that about a year ago.
On my way to a jobsite, stopped at a mini-mart to get something to drink. On my way out I saw a young pregnant lady and a toddler (maybe 2yrs old) fiddling with those cheesy bumper jacks.
I just so happened to have a floor jack in my truck (was working on my truck at my employers wharhouse and forgot to put it in the garage) so I changed the tire for her. even saw the nail in the tire and marked it for the tire repairman to find it faster.
So I was a bit late getting to the jobsite, but was worth it to help a ‘damsel in distress’
 
KGM06 said:
Oh yea, changing tires for pregnant women.
I actually did that about a year ago.
On my way to a jobsite, stopped at a mini-mart to get something to drink. On my way out I saw a young pregnant lady and a toddler (maybe 2yrs old) fiddling with those cheesy bumper jacks.
I just so happened to have a floor jack in my truck (was working on my truck at my employers wharhouse and forgot to put it in the garage) so I changed the tire for her. even saw the nail in the tire and marked it for the tire repairman to find it faster.
So I was a bit late getting to the jobsite, but was worth it to help a ‘damsel in distress’
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Good for you!👍
 
I always feel like such a princess when a gentleman holds a door for me. Regarding this issue, nothing makes me more sad than when an older man (above 60) lets the door swing back in my face as he hurries in ahead of me. I’m guessing the feminist movement really knocked them on their keester to be so…well…rude.
Last year when I had a broken leg, was in a full leg cast and on crutches it just amazed me when a man would walk past me open the door and keep right on walking. To be fair…as many women did that as men, but that’s not a chivalry issue.
 
Had to add this story:

My mother (a major tomboy) had a flat on a busy road and while she knew how to change the tire was unable to because she had a very bad back. A couple of young men stopped their car and came over. They were both VERY effeminate in their manner. They said they didn’t know how to change a tire but if my mum could give them instructions they would love to help. So my mum told them what to do and they did it! Great example of chivalry I think.
 
The door holding double door issue has resolved itself organically with the younger generation.

Because of this thread I’ve been keeping an eye on how exactly this works.

Here in this part of Texas it is custom to hold the door open for both men and women, except in different ways.

Men holding one door open for a woman holds the door open and stands on the outside, letting the woman walk in.

Men holding the door open for men holds the door open while standing in the doorway until the man behind him holds the door himself. The man in the doorway proceeds as the man behind him moves to the previous man’s position to either go inside or hold the door open for another man behind him to grab.

Now comes the second door man-woman scenario:

Now women can choose to either wait at the second door for the man to open it for her, or wait inside the doorway holding it open for the man to grab it. Either way works, but it is more common for the girl to wait if she knows the person, and hold it open for him to grab it if she doesn’t.

Who knew this had to be so complicated?
 
See, that’s just it. Not sticking to the old ways has made things more complicated. We no longer just know what to do, because there are so many opinions. There really should be a common standard, but I guess that’s just not likely to happen anymore.
 
AnnaTherese said:
See, that’s just it. Not sticking to the old ways has made things more complicated. We no longer just know what to do, because there are so many opinions. There really should be a common standard, but I guess that’s just not likely to happen anymore.
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We could all act in ways that try and make the other person comfortable and try to put ourselves in the place of others. We can all reach out and help one another and not worry about who is supposed to do what. If you see someone in need, stop and help. I don’t see that as being complicated at all.
 
Hi Ann Therese,
it would have been awkward for me to wait at the second door expecting him to open it; I dunno, just my opinion. Normally, when someone opens the door for me, I open the door for them (though I am a lady). If I was in your situation, I would probably open the second door for the man to return his kindness. But don’t worry, I wouldn’t dwell on the thought too much. Consider it a humbling moment when it happened. It’s not important and God loves you.

-Alison
 
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