Perhaps temporarily leaving the Choir is a good idea. You can still sing and praise God with all of the beautiful harmonies and songs from the regular congregation, I do. (I left my choir when my daughter was born). I actually get more pleasure from singing the harmony I know from the congregation rather than in the choir! But I digress… Good luck with this issue and I pray that everyone involved will find peace
Undoubtedly the reason that the OP joined the choir in the first place is that singing in the choir is different from singing in the congregation. ! Again, why is it even appropriate to suggest that she leave the choir when someone else is causing scandal or offense?
Rather, if your point is that an upsetting or asynchronous situation may deprive her of her due joy at Mass, and make her choir role uncomfortable because of proximity with the director, another option would be to attend a different parish and possibly join that choir. The reason I say this is that her discomfort is partly the result of not clearly communicated expectations on the part of the pastor. The choir director is merely taking advantage of a situation from which he has not been expressly forbidden (if I understand the OP correctly). Ultimately the pastor is the one who failed to provide guidelines in the first place.
As long as there are no EOE problems that have been alluded to as a possibility, I do not see why – just as with many Catholic schools (depending on the school) – it cannot be stated publicly that people employed in leadership roles by parish/school are expected to be practicing, faithful Catholics in communion with church teaching. Thus, any public admission by somebody who is cohabitating (gay or straight) would be subject to further questioning by the employer & possible termination. I know that I have read job announcements in schools & parishes which specify such conformity on the grounds of role-modeling & representing the institution.
I was in a parish several years ago where the clerical leadership was abominable, in fact, frightening. There were several ways I wanted to contribute to the parish (including in song!), and parishioners also approached me to request my participation in various needs. But the leadership (or lack thereof) was, in its neglect, responsible for a toxic atmosphere, and try as I may, there was no way to get around that. I removed myself for several years and returned after a complete internal housecleaning at the former parish. And had that leadership not changed, I was ready to join another choir & formally register at another parish.
It really interferes with one’s experience of Mass, and sometimes one’s ability to be open at prayer, when a setting is politically or emotionally distracting. People should be able to feel essentially free and without conflicts that are not of their own doing when they enter a church to worship or pray.
To me, this encompasses more than the OP’s situation. I think that clergy have to get clear in policy statements what their behavioral expectations are, of their lay staff. A well-run parish gives off wonderful, inviting vibes, and communication is key to that atmosphere. I understand about the limitations on refusing the sacraments, etc., and how priests differ in their taste for enforcement, but admitted lifestyles are in a different category, it seems to me. It does affect morale when some people are allowed to behave in one manner, while others sacrifice in order to be faithful!
I hope that the OP feels strong enough to take whatever next step she feels is right and which still ensures her enjoyment & freedom during worship.
