Christmas Eve family dinner problem

[Sirach2]

We usually celebrate Christmas Eve with the passing the traditional Oplatki and sharing special foods that were always prepared for the Vigil as meatless meals. It is celebrated by candlelight after the first star was seen in the heavens.

My daughter has invited eleven of us for Christmas Eve dinner … at 1:00, mid-afternoon, solely to accomodate her six-year old grandchild who must leave at 3:00 to be with her father who has visiting privileges.

I’m having a problem dispensing with the religious traditional meaning of this meal just to accomodate a young child who will come to believe this is customary for Christmas Eve to have** lunch** together. Of course, my daughter does not want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and wants to include this granddaughter. But the rest of us adults have to suffer the consequences of her hospitality, since it breaks the specialness of Christmas Eve. It will all be over before the Eve has even come.

I suspect my disappointment is influencing my common sense … so I ask for yours.
My wish is just to stay home and go to the vigil mass, but if I do not go, others may be offended. If I do go, I give silent approval that this is ok to break tradition, for I suspect it will become the norm in future years. Last year, we ate at 3:00, and now it is earlier yet, becoming a lunch.

Would you go and bite your tongue for the sake of peace? Or stay home? I did offer a suggestion the other day to allow the child to participate in the sharing of Oplatki, but to have the meal later after she leaves. It did not fly.

What started as s similar hospital gesture over Thanksgiving has now become the norm, which is why I am concerned for Christmas Eve. To allow everyone to visit their immediate families, we have Thanksgiving on Friday - two years now. I sit home on Thanksgiving alone wishing we were together on this actual date, not on Friday when many are rushing to Black Friday sales.

 

[1ke]

the rest of us have to suffer

I think you are giving Ebenezer Scrooge a run for his money.

The meal and the breaking/sharing of the Oplatki are traditions (little t) of your culture. They are NOT Church tradition and there is nothing wrong with doing the traditional meal during the day to teach your great-grandchild these traditions. You can do them in the evening in years that permit schedule-wise, or you can do them again in the evening after doing them at 1 p.m. with the child.

Frankly that you begrudge a 6 year old holiday time with family because of this is both sad and it kinda makes me angry. These are the types of Pharasee attitudes that are just beyond my comprehension.

Edited to add: You could just stay home and do your traditions the way you want to when you want to.

 

[mary_bobo]

Holidays can be such a problem and I hate to see family traditions fall by the wayside. How many of those going to your daughter’s would normally be at your family celebration? Is it possible for you and a few others go there for dessert and then have your usual family dinner? Or could the child be served dinner separately and go with her Dad so that the rest of the family will not break the tradition. Families can be so complicated these days. I wish you well.

 

[Della]

I would say that since Oplatki is not a requirement of celebrating Christmas Eve, but rather a human tradition, that being with your loved ones is more important. After all, Our Lord is more concerned with us loving one another than with keeping human traditions–ones that the next generation may not find significant since they don’t live in a country in which it holds so much importance. It sounds like a lovely celebration and I can understand your attachment to it, but you can celebrate it just between you and your immediate family at home later in the evening, if you wish. I wouldn’t refuse to attend a family gathering over this, and cause bad feelings when it’s not necessary. Just my :twocents:

 

[jeannetherese]

What an opportunity to share Christmas with your great–grandchild. I am sure that she will cherish these memories long after you are reunited with Our Lord. Perhaps you might share (at a later date) the story of the tradition in the evening-perhaps even by letter for here to read after you are gone. so that she might know your love and your history.
May God bless you and your family. Amen.

 

[Sirach2]

Frankly that you begrudge a 6 year old holiday time with family because of this is both sad and it kinda makes me angry. These are the types of Pharasee attitudes that are just beyond my comprehension.

She will have time with family, but it will be with her dad’s family - not ours, so she really won’t miss much. In a similar vein, my husband and I split visitation between the families, since we lived out of state from his mother. One year would be with my family, the second year with his. It seemed to work, rather than try to juggle trying to make everyone happy at the same time.

This is why my daughter has Thanksgiving on Friday, so her children can visit their wife’s family and not have to leave quickly to run and eat again at mom’s. It is hard to understand why it cannot be split in alternate years, so everyone has a lengthly visit with one another? Does anyone else have this problem juggling between families?

 

[agnes_therese]

A 6-year-old whose life is disrupted by going back and forth between her parents has it tough enough without being excluded from the family’s Christmas Eve dinner. Bless your daughter for wanting her to feel like she’s still part of the family.

 

[Sirach2]

Thanks, ladies. I’m sure that when I sleep on this, I’ll feel better about it tomorrow. Most likely, I am too close tonight and can’t see the writing on the wall.

 

[Sirach2]

Holidays can be such a problem and I hate to see family traditions fall by the wayside. How many of those going to your daughter’s would normally be at your family celebration? Is it possible for you and a few others go there for dessert and then have your usual family dinner? Or could the child be served dinner separately and go with her Dad so that the rest of the family will not break the tradition. Families can be so complicated these days. I wish you well.

I really believe when it is curtailed this year, that will be the end of it, so she will never see the way it has been handed down through the generations. We set an empty chair for Jesus at the table, and took a pink oplatki to the animals outside.

There would be ten present otherwise, so we are all adjusting for this little one, who will probably never be able to pass on the tradition. Yes, I realize it is only a small “t” and no it isn’t required, other than we just gather to share with one another. I’m not so ignorant that I cannot realize this.

I used to find special significance in eating Easter breakfast from all the blessed food in the basket that our pastor blessed on Holy Saturday. There again, it had to be dropped, to favor the younger ones coming up through the family. They just seem not to care about it. Maybe this is the last one to give up, and it hurts a little more, therefore.

 

[Della]

I really believe when it is curtailed this year, that will be the end of it, so she will never see the way it has been handed down through the generations. We set an empty chair for Jesus at the table, and took a pink oplatki to the animals outside.

There would be ten present otherwise, so we are all adjusting for this little one, who will probably never be able to pass on the tradition. Yes, I realize it is only a small “t” and no it isn’t required, other than we just gather to share with one another. I’m not so ignorant that I cannot realize this.

I used to find special significance in eating Easter breakfast from all the blessed food in the basket that our pastor blessed on Holy Saturday. There again, it had to be dropped, to favor the younger ones coming up through the family. They just seem not to care about it. Maybe this is the last one to give up, and it hurts a little more, therefore.

This is the thing about family traditions. They mean so much to us, but not so much to others, so we feel disappointed about it. I used to play guitar and we’d all sing carols at our family Christmas parties, but then the kids got older and, I suppose, too sophisticated for singing carols with the family, so I had to give it up, even though I’d practiced since Oct. to be sure I could play all the songs. Whenever we set expectations we want others to meet we are creating a fantasy we’d like to see played out, but it’s not realistic, nor is it fair to others who may not share the same ideas about what makes for a “true” holiday celebration. Sometimes we have to let some things go so we can have a greater good–that of simply being with our loved ones and appreciating them as they are, not as we might hope they would be/that they’ll want the same things/delight in the same things we do.

 

[Sirach2]

Thanks, Della. I appreciate your wisdom – you always calm the storm with your kind words.

I remember thinking about the Fiddler on the Roof, how Tevye just could not adapt to his daughters marrying outside the faith. Each incident was increasingly more painful than the one before. Tradition!!! youtube.com/watch?v=gRdfX7ut8gw

I suppose I am indentifying with him. LIttle by little, as we age and future generations arise, I find more and more needs to be let go of. Part of dying, I would think.

 

[Delaine75]

I see and understand that it is important to you to hold on to these traditions and that they be passed down to the younger ones, but it is also important to spend time with these younger ones. I’m sure that your great-granddaughter could not help that she has to leave at a certain time to spend time with her father. My suggestion is to go, enjoy the time with your family regardless of what time the dinner (or lunch, in this case) takes place. Time is short on this earth and family should always come before anything else (besides God, that is!). I hope you have a wonderful Christmas Eve.

 

[EasterJoy]

Let your hostess serve what she wants to serve at her 1 pm luncheon seeing off your great-grandchild for this great feast. You can still do the traditional thing at your house after it gets dark.

The same thing goes for Thanksgiving: Do it twice. If you have the opportunity, get together with some people who have no family to eat Thanksgiving meal with. If you do it twice, you’ll surely have two love feasts, instead of the sense that you’ve done the only one you have in a way that does not satisfy you. All this takes is acceptance that the people you’d like to have present for the traditional time can’t be there. Who knows, you may be doing someone a big favor, someone who also has no family available at the “traditional” time.

You may find, by the way, that if time allows your parish priest might enjoy a light repast between Christmas Eve Masses. That will be a good reason to get past not having two huge meals in one day. Who knows, you may grow to love the new way of doing the old tradition very much.

If you keep the tradition, then when a year comes when the family can be there with you, it will be passed on. Still, were I you, I would write out a book of memories and recipes, and pass it on. When your great grandchild is old enough, have her to your house to teach her first-hand how to make those special foods. People treasure that kind of lessons from grandmothers and great-grandmothers. If you have a computer, you can do it. What a gift that would be!

 

[Della]

Thanks, Della. I appreciate your wisdom – you always calm the storm with your kind words.

:tiphat: You’re welcome.

I remember thinking about the Fiddler on the Roof, how Tevye just could not adapt to his daughters marrying outside the faith. Each incident was increasingly more painful than the one before. Tradition!!! youtube.com/watch?v=gRdfX7ut8gw

Oh yes, I love that movie. And that segment is so evocative, isn’t it? We do find our balance by holding onto our traditions. As long as they don’t become the ends instead of the means to balance, they’re fine, aren’t they?

I suppose I am indentifying with him. LIttle by little, as we age and future generations arise, I find more and more needs to be let go of. Part of dying, I would think.

I hear ya. I sometimes dispair over my nieces, nephews and their children and wonder what will become of them when our generation, who valued things they think unimportant, will fare when we’re gone. All we can do is love them, pray for them, and be an example for them and leave them in God’s hands, yes?

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you are giving Ebenezer Scrooge a run for his money.

Ebenezer Scrooge? She did not want to exclude the child from anything. Rather, it is her intention to preserve something for the child, in spite of the circumstances.

The truth is, there may be good reason not to give the child a full heavy meal early on Christmas Eve day. Putting her through two full celebrations on the same day may be a bit much.’

Also, if there are cookies or something transportable that is special to the traditional Christmas Eve (or even Christmas Day), it would be nice to send a platter of that to the “other side” of the child’s family, for their celebration, with the rest of the family enjoying theirs in the evening. The child would have that special part of her heritage to share with her other family at the time it is traditionally enjoyed, and the family who had to give her up will have sent a little of themselves along with her for Christmas.

Maybe those ideas don’t work, but it is worth using one’s imagination. When there is difficulty in choosing between two ways, look for the 3rd way! Sometimes it is better than either of the first two!

 

[Sirach2]

I hear ya. I sometimes dispair over my nieces, nephews and their children and wonder what will become of them when our generation, who valued things they think unimportant, will fare when we’re gone. All we can do is love them, pray for them, and be an example for them and leave them in God’s hands, yes?

This is the unsaid part of my post, Della. NONE of them are practicing Catholics. That hurts even more, as I reflect that this meal was a tiny semblance of religious overtones. Christmas Eve is sacred to me, not just another luncheon get-together, which seems to be what is occurring tomorrow. And I do pray continually for all of them, like 45 years’ worth? Some day, I pray that I live to see those prayers answered.

 

[Ontheway]

This problem of letting go of traditions to accomodate children, or shopping schedules is an issue for some of us. Oplatki and Christmas Eve meatless meal at dusk are old traditions that, although not strictly religions, nevertheless convey and emphasize the special nature of the celebration. The question is how much are we willing to sacrifice to accomodate new members in mixed families and children’s tastes.
We are all very impressed when we hear how other cultures maintain their traditions, while we are in a great rush to abandon our own for the sake of expediency.

Every child has his or her own food preferences. Does that mean that our Christmas Eve meal has to consists of macaroni and cheese and pizza?

 

[Sirach2]

This problem of letting go of traditions** to accomodate children, or shopping schedules is an issue for some of us**. Oplatki and Christmas Eve meatless meal at dusk are old traditions that, although not strictly religions, nevertheless convey and emphasize the special nature of the celebration. The question is how much are we willing to sacrifice to accomodate new members in mixed families and children’s tastes.
We are all very impressed when we hear how other cultures maintain their traditions, while we are in a great rush to abandon our own for the sake of expediency.

Every child has his or her own food preferences. **Does that mean that our Christmas Eve meal has to consists of macaroni and cheese and pizza? **

Good point. I know people whose children rule the roost, literally! Can adults take their godly helm and guide them?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

What a lovely tradition, the Oplatki! We have nothing like that here in America. I mean, those of us not from Poland, of course. I can see why you’d be concerned that the younger generations aren’t carrying it on. I would keep trying to carry the tradition in whatever way that you can. What I have found in my life, is that every generation has a few who look back at their history and see the stories, and want to learn their family history. Maybe you can find those young people in your families, and teach them the traditions of Oplatki and the meatless meal, so that they can carry them forward. You might have to skip a generation. Maybe that great-grandchild will be one of the ones who like to look backward…You can only do what you can do, but don’t give up on them yet.

 

[maltmom]

I did offer a suggestion the other day to allow the child to participate in the sharing of Oplatki, but to have the meal later after she leaves. It did not fly.

It’s a shame your suggestion didn’t fly. It was a good compromise.

When I read your OP I thought it was a beautiful tradition. I had to do a search to find out what an Oplatki is and the tradition of passing it around. Where can one buy them?

I will be praying for you that you find peace Christmas Eve.