Christmas gift exchange dilemma

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JLCecilia

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I am feeling like a royal jerk. DH asked me last week if I’d gotten his mom’s email about the gift exchange for our giant family Christmas this year. I hadn’t, but I got the impresson from him that I should respond to her. I looked at her message the other day and saw the original forwarded message from HER sister and naively thought I was responding to a harmless survey. I responded that my vote was to nix the adult gift exchange and just buy gifts for the kids and spend more time focused on playing games and visiting.

I wish I had been more keen of the underlying dynamics and just left the responding to blood relatives (my husband and his brothers). After FINALLY getting DH’s take on the situation last night (after a week’s worth of prodding following a tease ‘lead’ he gave me), I feel like my response has brought some shame to him.

It all started with his cousin (who he’s not a big fan of) sending out an email that she polled some others from our generation who are all in agreement of doing away with the adult gift exchange. We actually have one cousin with several children who hasn’t come in years b/c they can’t afford the gift exchange. I have grown weary of it and hate coming home with a decent amount of money’s worth of stuff I neither want nor need (despite detailed wish lists). And given that our family’s budget has tightened in the last couple of years, it’s like salt in the wound to witness the amount of gag gifts that are exchanged thinking of how much money was spent knowing that it’s just going to end up in the garbage. I was all too ready to cast my vote.

DH’s (rightful) opinion is that it’s none of our generation’s business how our matriarch’s families decide to handle their Christmas. THEY’RE the ones hosting, THEY’RE the one paying for the venue and food (b/c we’ve outgrown everyone’s homes) and THEY’RE the ones doing the heavy shopping for all of our children. And this cousin has single-handedly decided that she’s going to change her mom’s generation’s tradition with a family poll. Yes, it’s possible that our generation could take over hosting duties and I don’t think anyone would have any qualms about pitching in for venue costs or food prep, but the matriarchs of the family aren’t ready to relinquish the hosting duties yet.

I wish I’d realized all of this before responding. I’m afraid that I’ve maybe hurt my MIL’s feelings. I’m used to being the black sheep in DH’s family, but I never wanted to disgrace HIM with his family. Wish he’d spelled it out for me, I just wasn’t reading btwn the lines. DH knows how I feel - that it’s a waste of time and money, esp when we don’t even buy gifts for ea other (a sore spot for me). But he’s willing to overextend our budget for the sake of tradition and keeping up appearances. Ai, yi, yi.
 
JLCecilia said:
I am feeling like a royal jerk. DH asked me last week if I’d gotten his mom’s email about the gift exchange for our giant family Christmas this year. I hadn’t, but I got the impresson from him that I should respond to her. I looked at her message the other day and saw the original forwarded message from HER sister and naively thought I was responding to a harmless survey. I responded that my vote was to nix the adult gift exchange and just buy gifts for the kids and spend more time focused on playing games and visiting.

I wish I had been more keen of the underlying dynamics and just left the responding to blood relatives (my husband and his brothers). After FINALLY getting DH’s take on the situation last night (after a week’s worth of prodding following a tease ‘lead’ he gave me), I feel like my response has brought some shame to him.

It all started with his cousin (who he’s not a big fan of) sending out an email that she polled some others from our generation who are all in agreement of doing away with the adult gift exchange. We actually have one cousin with several children who hasn’t come in years b/c they can’t afford the gift exchange. I have grown weary of it and hate coming home with a decent amount of money’s worth of stuff I neither want nor need (despite detailed wish lists). And given that our family’s budget has tightened in the last couple of years, it’s like salt in the wound to witness the amount of gag gifts that are exchanged thinking of how much money was spent knowing that it’s just going to end up in the garbage. I was all too ready to cast my vote.

DH’s (rightful) opinion is that it’s none of our generation’s business how our matriarch’s families decide to handle their Christmas. THEY’RE the ones hosting, THEY’RE the one paying for the venue and food (b/c we’ve outgrown everyone’s homes) and THEY’RE the ones doing the heavy shopping for all of our children. And this cousin has single-handedly decided that she’s going to change her mom’s generation’s tradition with a family poll. Yes, it’s possible that our generation could take over hosting duties and I don’t think anyone would have any qualms about pitching in for venue costs or food prep, but the matriarchs of the family aren’t ready to relinquish the hosting duties yet.

I wish I’d realized all of this before responding. I’m afraid that I’ve maybe hurt my MIL’s feelings. I’m used to being the black sheep in DH’s family, but I never wanted to disgrace HIM with his family. Wish he’d spelled it out for me, I just wasn’t reading btwn the lines. DH knows how I feel - that it’s a waste of time and money, esp when we don’t even buy gifts for ea other (a sore spot for me). But he’s willing to overextend our budget for the sake of tradition and keeping up appearances. Ai, yi, yi.
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Is there an underlying culture that I am not aware of here? You were well within your place to respond. And it is odd that you question your response because it aligns with a cousin whom you don’t like. The Email came to you, you responded. No need to make this a blood issue.🤷
 
Well, it’s one of those things where if I’d been more keen or better informed, I would have ommitted responding out of deference to my husband. The ‘appropriate’ response would have been indifference (as DH responded). His response showed deference to his mom’s and her sister’s authority in the matter rather than aligning with the out-of-bounds cousin. And he remained private about it, just keeping his opinion btwn him and the only one who really needed to know (his mom), rather than making it public by reponding to all, as I did.
 
JLCecilia said:
Well, it’s one of those things where if I’d been more keen or better informed, I would have ommitted responding out of deference to my husband. The ‘appropriate’ response would have been indifference (as DH responded). His response showed deference to his mom’s and her sister’s authority in the matter rather than aligning with the out-of-bounds cousin. And he remained private about it, just keeping his opinion btwn him and the only one who really needed to know (his mom), rather than making it public by reponding to all, as I did.
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You responded to an Email addressed to you? And you feel you should not have? I am confused…
 
JLCecilia said:
Well, it’s one of those things where if I’d been more keen or better informed, I would have ommitted responding out of deference to my husband. The ‘appropriate’ response would have been indifference (as DH responded). His response showed deference to his mom’s and her sister’s authority in the matter rather than aligning with the out-of-bounds cousin. And he remained private about it, just keeping his opinion btwn him and the only one who really needed to know (his mom), rather than making it public by reponding to all, as I did.
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Sounds like someone (and perhaps the cousin is the only one brave enough to do this should tell the Matriarchs (Ughhh) that it is somethign that causes hardships on the family. Perhaps they do not know or understand that. And perhaps if they knew that some people (you and your husband) do not like it they would not want to cause others to have bad feelings and they would want to drop it. I get the feeling your husband is very subservient, is that accurate?
 
Well yeah, really I think she opened it up to everyone to sort of amass votes against the matriarchs when it was really none of my business anyway. It doesn’t matter what my vote was, the main issue here was to show deference to the hostess and it would have been better if I had just stayed out of it and not responded at all. But I took the bate, hook, line and sinker. Doh!
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
You responded to an Email addressed to you? And you feel you should not have? I am confused…
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Yeah.

You guys have a lot of financial problems, right?

You are completely within your rights (in agreement with your husband) to say, “Hey, we love the family Christmas traditions, but it’s breaking us. Can we draw names next year?” My mom’s side of the family eventually went to that system as the grandkids multiplied (my mom is one of five).

I think the grandmas really ought to be thinking about this, given that one other family is already sitting out Christmas (!!!) because they can’t afford the big family exchange.

At some point, you need to choose being able to get the family together over the family gift exchange tradition. It’s crazypants to continue a tradition that is such a burden to many members of the family.

Talk to your husband and talk (privately) to the cousin who sent the email.
 
Oh, and talk to the matriarchs. Tell them that you don’t want to have to sit out Christmas like the other family, but that the existing tradition is killing you guys.

It’s also possible to have a dual system where the families with kids do an exchange of names while the grandmas can get everybody whatever stupid gifts they want. (Phrase that a little more diplomatically than I just did.)
 
Xantippe, crazypants? I am chuckling, I love that.

I know, I know. Everything you’re saying makes sense to me, but at the same time I completely admire DH for wanting to respect his elders. He would never be bold enough to own up to his family our financial hardship and go so far as his cousin did in just not showing up at all. I think the elders dismiss his situation pretty hastily b/c he has a bunch of kids and has been remarried several times, therefore his opinion has no merit. The only other one bold enough to speak up is DH’s brother, but he is the black sheep of the family and tends toward dramatazation, so his opinion is also easily dismissed. And they’re pretty spendthrift anyway (see, I’m even jumping on the bandwagon against my own case here).

I, on the other hand, have absolutely no qualms about showing up for fellowship and JUST participating in the kids’ name draw so our kids at least get to open gifts. I wouldn’t even let on that’s it’s out of financial hardship, just don’t wanna participate. We have another cousin who just puts gift certs on her list b/c (like me), she’s tired of making detailed lists and ending up not getting what she really wanted. It just becomes an exchange of money.
 
Xantippe, as a non-blood relative, there will be no talking to the matriarchs. This whole deal is best left btwn the matriarchs and their blood children. That’s just how this family roles.

Cousin’s email offered that we could just take a year off and revisit it again next year and bring it back, but DH suspects it is an all-or-nothing deal. Once you call it off, it’s off for good. Fine with me, just wish it could have been dealt with in a better way. If cousin would have given her mom the chance to bring it up to her siblings at their monthly dinner and had each of the matriarchs pose the question to their own adult kids and then gotten back together and came to the same conclusion on their own, this wouldn’t be such a hairy deal. She just got trigger happy, I guess.
 
I don’t know, I agree with the idea of nixing the gift exchange, so I’m not sure how to advise. :o I understand wanting to respect the parents, but allowing a few to impose a financial burden on the many seems to me unnecessary.

I do understand wanting to defer to your husband as it is his family, though. Do you think your husband would support your idea? Maybe if enough speak out about it, there will be a change.
 
Doing the gift exchange just for the children sounds like a good alternative to not doing it at all. In big families, it must be impossible to keep up with the expense if all the adults near and far are expected to buy each other presents!
 
Joe_5859 said:
I do understand wanting to defer to your husband as it is his family, though. Do you think your husband would support your idea? Maybe if enough speak out about it, there will be a change.
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Cousin set up an anonymous poll and I think 13 people (out of 28 adults) voted to nix it (and I doubt everyone voted, they probably just prefer to stear clear of cousin’s promptings). I think everyone’s just afraid of the one aunt in particular. The one and only aunt who will host Easter (sometimes) and Thanksgiving (EVERY year). I gotta hand it to her there b/c we ALL really look forward to those gatherings and so we’re probably all willing to let her have her say.

DH doesn’t agree with me too often about family affairs. I tend after my mother in speaking out of turn, acting impulsively and without fully considering the situation or how what I say will be perceived. So, however crazypants his family is, I prefer to follow DH’s lead b/c it’s normally the more respectful route.
 
Isca said:
Doing the gift exchange just for the children sounds like a good alternative to not doing it at all. In big families, it must be impossible to keep up with the expense if all the adults near and far are expected to buy each other presents!
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Initially, when there were only a handful of grandchildren, every adult couple pretty well bought a gift for each child (except their own). We JUST went to kids drawing one name a few years ago (now that there are 10+, half of whom are ours). Funny, since the other famiies only have 1 or 2 kids, our family is the only one who remains at a financial disadvantage. BUT, at the same time, our kids get 4x as many toys b/c really, when you buy a toy for one child, ALL the kids get to play with it. It all works out.
 
Here is the thing: In a sane world, never in a million years would your MIL’s generation want to force the younger and yet fully adult family members into a gift exchange they don’t want to do. You just don’t do that. The MIL generation could have their own gift exchange, if they wanted one, and take this vote as permission to recognize that Christmas really is not about getting stuff. It is not as if you are being a Scrooge, and that is the big picture. You’re not, that is the main thing.

Having said that, you are not in a sane world. You are in a family, and as the now-old psychological saw goes: A dysfunctional family may be defined as any family with more than one person in it.

You gave your honest opinion. That wasn’t a politic thing, but it was an honest mistake and really, it was a good thing. Do not beat yourself up about innocently injecting a word of sanity into this whole thing. You’d rather a five-year-old or the 85 year-old do it, but sometimes you get to be the “village idiot” who says what everyone thinks and really wishes someone would say, but that the “grown-ups” are too wimpy to say! Oh, well! The Spirit works in mysterious ways!

At this point, you just distance yourself from the whole thing and if you are asked you say, “No comment. That’s on the Smith family train, and I’ll let the conductors and the engineers handle it.” Period, that’s your story and just stick to it. Don’t apologize for responding to the survey, don’t comment on whether the survey should have ever been sent or not, do not say anything. Just hand the ball to DH and keep the lips zipped. Do not lose any sleep over spilling the beans on how you really feel about the gift exchange, but also do not tell anyone that you are not losing sleep over it. I mean really go into “no comment” zone.

Oh, and praying for the help of St. Jude would not hurt. You may lose the gift exchange by peaceful fiat of the matriarchs still. Prayer can accomplish wondrous things, and frankly, I think Heaven would be on your side on this one!
 
EasterJoy, how lovely. Thank you so much! I wrap up my novena to St. Jude in a couple days for another sp int, but I will sure pray another for peace among DH’s family. Well, after finally getting DH’s take on the situation, I am all too ready to take the lips sealed approach! And I KNOW I will be approached at Thanksgiving, seeing as how I was bold enough to stick my neck out. That’s okay, I can be the crazy among the other crazies 😛
 
Am I reading this correctly…one of your husband’s siblings/cousins cannot come to the familly Christmas celebration because they can’t afford to participate in the gift exchange? What kind of loving family “matriarchs” would let such a mean-spirited thing occur? Such behavior is appalling to me, and I would not hesitate to speak my mind. Your DH needs to stand up for what is right…it is not being respectful to allow something that is not just to continue without saying something.
 
Pax2u said:
Am I reading this correctly…one of your husband’s siblings/cousins cannot come to the familly Christmas celebration because they can’t afford to participate in the gift exchange? What kind of loving family “matriarchs” would let such a mean-spirited thing occur? Such behavior is appalling to me, and I would not hesitate to speak my mind. Your DH needs to stand up for what is right…it is not being respectful to allow something that is not just to continue without saying something.
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It is not so open as that, if this family runs like the ones I know. Remember that you have sibling rivalries and sibling politics spanning three generations going on here, but everyone is too “grown up” to admit in a voice louder than a whisper that they personally are not beyond all of that. The politics in a big family will have politics among the sisters, politics among the brothers, politics between the older siblings and the younger, sometimes some politics involving neighbors, classmates, or long-time friends, not to mention the in-laws brought into the family via those great political events known as “weddings,” and on and on and on. By politics, I mean the problems and solutions are never raised or solved on a fact-only basis. Emotions, history, personality, and the niceties of each relationship have to be observed.

There is a lot done to save face in big families, little ways that an end is accomplished without anyone being confronted by the real machinations that bring it all about. The children, for instance, (the real children, I mean) may grow to adulthood without being aware of what was really going on. The matriarchs may even be kept in the dark, because becoming the target of their solution to a problem could be every bit as bad as having been the target of the original problem, and maybe a lot worse. Bad finances only last a few years, if you are lucky. Bad mojo with the Christmas traditions can last for a lifetime.

These are things that you take with some affection and a grain of salt when they can be taken and hold on tight for the ride when they cannot. The payoff for that endurance is when the story is openly alluded to at a funeral or maybe within the toast at a wedding, and only the cousins and their spouses know why they are laughing so hard!

As for the example you allude to: You would never just assume you can barge in and make a big deal about “what ought to be done” about the financial straits of someone else in the family. They might never forgive you for the embarrassment you cause them, or for presuming to fight a fight that they chose to handle in a different manner or presume to change a family tradition that they might believe you changed for your own reasons, using them as the scapegoat. How do you know that they don’t want to preserve the gift exchange, and aren’t fully willing to have a simple Christmas at home for a few years in order to preserve it? No, they are grown-ups. You let them stand up for themselves, and if they choose to do nothing, you keep your mouth shut and stay out of it. This is ten times true if you are not a blood relative. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread–that is a saying that could have been invented in reference to family politics.
 
Pax2U, as I stated before, b/c everyone perports that this non-participating cousin’s life is such a mess and he has had countless failed start-up businesses, they are not willing to change their whole party based on his situation. And I can tell you that DH would agree with that thinking.

I go back and forth on this b/c I typically admire how DH’s family handle things (in comparison to my own family that tends to be impulsive, rash and self-centered). But while I wish he had more of a backbone, I think he’s right here in thinking that the way his cousin is handling this is really not the best. That’s not to say that the matriarchs wouldn’t ultimately be persuaded to reconsider the tradition, but let THEM initiate it.
 
JLCecilia said:
Pax2U, as I stated before, b/c everyone perports that this non-participating cousin’s life is such a mess and he has had countless failed start-up businesses, they are not willing to change their whole party based on his situation. And I can tell you that DH would agree with that thinking.

I go back and forth on this b/c I typically admire how DH’s family handle things (in comparison to my own family that tends to be impulsive, rash and self-centered). But while I wish he had more of a backbone, I think he’s right here in thinking that the way his cousin is handling this is really not the best. That’s not to say that the matriarchs wouldn’t ultimately be persuaded to reconsider the tradition, but let THEM initiate it.
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IOW, we’re not going to quit throwing potlucks because this guy never has it together enough to bring more than a bag of chips or a six-pack. If you get that kind of reputation in the family, they see changing things around for you as a sort of enabling action. The cousin has the choice of admitting he can’t afford the gift exchange, and not participating, or else making up a reason that he “can’t make it” this year. Is that sort of how it has worked?
 
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