Christmas gift exchange dilemma

[thewanderer]

Is it that big a difference to include adults vs only children if you set a limit to how much each can spend? You seem ok to do the children, just not the adults… or am I misreading? Would the two extra presents cause the car to be repossessed? Is the issue cost, or something else?

I’ve just gone back to read the OP’s other posts and it definitely gives some more context, to their current financial state (she talked about not taking kids in to see the dr because of the cost of the copayment fee), family dynamics, the way husband relates to his family, and to the extent of the stress under which the OP is in because of many many factors in her life. This does not look like it is one simple problem with one facet that will be easily fixed…

OP, have you considered trying to gain access to counselling to help you deal with everything and sort out what can and can’t be done to help improve your situation?

 

[12345678]

Is it that big a difference to include adults vs only children if you set a limit to how much each can spend? You seem ok to do the children, just not the adults… or am I misreading? Would the two extra presents cause the car to be repossessed? Is the issue cost, or something else?

I’ve just gone back to read the OP’s other posts and it definitely gives some more context, to their current financial state (she talked about not taking kids in to see the dr because of the cost of the copayment fee), family dynamics, the way husband relates to his family, and to the extent of the stress under which the OP is in because of many many factors in her life. This does not look like it is one simple problem with one facet that will be easily fixed…

OP, have you considered trying to gain access to counselling to help you deal with everything and sort out what can and can’t be done to help improve your situation?

FYI, I was making reference to previous posts that suggested it would be a large economic hardship (cars repossessed, etc) to do what the matriarchs wanted, which was to include adults in the exchange. It seems like OP can deal with kids being included, so adults is all that is at stake here. If there are wishlists and high expectations, I can see how that can be a burden, but if they agree on low cost presents, that may be a compromise that could work out for all?

 

[Xantippe]

FYI, I was making reference to previous posts that suggested it would be a large economic hardship (cars repossessed, etc) to do what the matriarchs wanted, which was to include adults in the exchange. It seems like OP can deal with kids being included, so adults is all that is at stake here. If there are wishlists and high expectations, I can see how that can be a burden, but if they agree on low cost presents, that may be a compromise that could work out for all?

I suspect that that would be just as big of a compromise for the matriarchs to agree to, but it is one of the options and it’s worth trying. Likewise, doing a name exchange (rather than everybody buying a gift for everybody) is another possibility.

Going to inexpensive gifts for adults is something that the OP and her family can do without getting buy-in from anybody else, which is an advantage.

As I’ve said, our family gives each child a gift, but just gives $10-15 photobooks to each adult single or household. We didn’t have to ask anybody’s permission to do that. I’ve never gotten any grief for doing that.

 

[12345678]

I suspect that that would be just as big of a compromise for the matriarchs to agree to, but it is one of the options and it’s worth trying. Likewise, doing a name exchange (rather than everybody buying a gift for everybody) is another possibility.

Going to inexpensive gifts for adults is something that the OP and her family can do without getting buy-in from anybody else, which is an advantage.

As I’ve said, our family gives each child a gift, but just gives $10-15 photobooks to each adult single or household. We didn’t have to ask anybody’s permission to do that. I’ve never gotten any grief for doing that.

Hmm, Xantippe, I thought they did gift exchange to begin with (that they didn’t do everyone buying for everyone). Maybe I misunderstood… Yeah, if they are buying for all kids and all adults that is crazy…

 

[Xantippe]

Hmm, Xantippe, I thought they did gift exchange to begin with (that they didn’t do everyone buying for everyone). Maybe I misunderstood… Yeah, if they are buying for all kids and all adults that is crazy…

JLCecilia will correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m afraid it is everybody buying for everybody, which is why the young people are starting to crack under the pressure.

The sad thing is in these cases, that it’s often the poorer families who feel most ashamed of not being able to keep up with the extended family Joneses and will keep silent out of embarrassment.

Here’s a fun fact for this thread: "In 2011, the average American spent $646 on holiday gifts. In 2012, it is expected that the average American will be spending $854 in gifts for friends and loved ones. "

investopedia.com/financial-edge/1112/average-cost-of-an-american-christmas.aspx

Here’s a 1 minute video from the nice people at Dave Ramsey, with the punchline, don’t let the January you hate the December you.

daveramsey.com/blog/december-you-january-you

 

[pianistclare]

You know years ago I would have agreed with this but I have changed my way of thinking, a little bit anyway. To beat the drum of the “Love Languages” I think there may be some significance here for what it’s worth. People tend to speak and receive love in many different ways. For some the primary preference to give and receive love is physical touch, for others it’s words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service or giving of gifts.

For myself I couldn’t give two hoots about gifts, but for other people even small gifts have great meaning. I would rather get a huge hug and a smile from someone! I now have a new appreciation that the people in my family that tend to cling to the gift-giving traditions. I used to think they were superficial but now I wonder that they might be clinging to those traditions because they have great meaning for them.

That’s not to say that a family can’t change traditions, only that yes, sometimes people DO equate love with gifts. Usually it can be small gifts or special gifts (not necessarily diamonds) but to many people these things make them feel loved.

Point taken, but they’re not talking about small gifts. they’re talking big gifts and gag gifts. All a waste of money and not necessarily the warm and fuzzy things that you are probably referring to, like a book of poetry or a small antique jewelry box.

I really think that if you need a present from someone you only see once a year to feel loved? That’s even sadder. Why can’t the people involved work on their relationships instead of buying the perfect message? The message is what they crave. The gift of love is the only priceless one. Just my 2 cents, but I hear what you’re sayin.

 

[pianistclare]

Also, I get the feeling that the OP is probably suffering from Poster’s Remorse.
Sometimes people come in to vent, and when people begin agreeing or offering possible solutions, scenarios for change, they regret they brought it up in the first place. Because they know it’s likely not going to change.
I feel for the OP. It sounds like something I would dread. Not a great way to spend Jesus’ birthday. Be assured of our prayers for family peace.