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ClearWater
Guest
It’s rough, because neither side seems willing to concede.
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Samwise1
Guest
Just an update, I made my view clear and she apologized for this sudden shift. I told her I understand she wants to see her dad but she also knows its better to stick with made promises. Though difficult, we’ll see if we can get her dad over here which would be a lot more practical.
She thanked me for being clear, and I feel happy that I could be respectful to her while staying my point.
She thanked me for being clear, and I feel happy that I could be respectful to her while staying my point.
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bitterhope
Guest
It is very hard when you feel like you’ve been slighted. I do understand better than you may realize. During one of my husband’s deployments to Iraq he took emergency leave to see his family because his mom was pretty sick. The kids and I were in Europe and his family all lives in Mexico. At that time it was impossible for me to travel to Mexico because I was recovering from childbirth (our fifth child) and had another one that was sick enough to require home health visits five days a week. So, off he goes to Mexico to see my inlaws while I took care of the house and kids. All my family was in the US. I was really honestly alone.
To my husband’s credit, he asked me before hand if he should go and I told him yes. What I didn’t realize was that by taking that emergency leave time he would not have R&R later in the deployment. My husband says he was supposed to but the commander pulled it from him and didn’t tell him until he returned to Iraq after the emergency leave. So for 18 months my husband was gone due to this leave and the deployment. He left when I was pregnant and got home when our son was 15 months old. It caused a major rift in our marriage for quite a while. He feels torn even now and wonders if he should have decided not to go to Mexico then. But he felt so torn! In Mexico, family trumps everything. His mom was so ill the drs thought she wouldn’t even last until he got there. The kids and I were stable at the time and in no danger. He did what he thought was right and I agreed, but wow did I get angry later when R&R was pulled. I didn’t hide that anger either. He heard all about it and he needed to hear it. It changed our relationship permanently–in some ways good but in other ways negatively.
You need to talk with your wife and let her know what you are feeling, but don’t do it without lots of prayer and preparation. Write it out, then read it out loud, then listen to yourself from her perspective. Make changes as needed. Pray some more. It will work out positively if you proceed with love instead of pride. Trust me, pride hurts you more than it will ever help you. I know because it’s a demon I have fought in similar situations more than once.
Praying for St. Michael and your guardian angel to guide you here. And I’m praying your wife’s guardian angel makes her receptive and understanding of your side as well.
To my husband’s credit, he asked me before hand if he should go and I told him yes. What I didn’t realize was that by taking that emergency leave time he would not have R&R later in the deployment. My husband says he was supposed to but the commander pulled it from him and didn’t tell him until he returned to Iraq after the emergency leave. So for 18 months my husband was gone due to this leave and the deployment. He left when I was pregnant and got home when our son was 15 months old. It caused a major rift in our marriage for quite a while. He feels torn even now and wonders if he should have decided not to go to Mexico then. But he felt so torn! In Mexico, family trumps everything. His mom was so ill the drs thought she wouldn’t even last until he got there. The kids and I were stable at the time and in no danger. He did what he thought was right and I agreed, but wow did I get angry later when R&R was pulled. I didn’t hide that anger either. He heard all about it and he needed to hear it. It changed our relationship permanently–in some ways good but in other ways negatively.
You need to talk with your wife and let her know what you are feeling, but don’t do it without lots of prayer and preparation. Write it out, then read it out loud, then listen to yourself from her perspective. Make changes as needed. Pray some more. It will work out positively if you proceed with love instead of pride. Trust me, pride hurts you more than it will ever help you. I know because it’s a demon I have fought in similar situations more than once.
Praying for St. Michael and your guardian angel to guide you here. And I’m praying your wife’s guardian angel makes her receptive and understanding of your side as well.
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bitterhope
Guest
I saw this after I posted. I’m glad it’s working out better. Hopefully going forward things will be easier. Marriage is hard but the early years are hardest because a lot of things need to be ironed out.
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Maximilan_Kolbe
Guest
I remember having this discussion with an ex-girlfriend years ago.
She was upset about the possibility of not seeing one another on Thanksgiving, and was determined to find a way to truncate our respective plans so we could spend time with both families involved.
I remember saying something like this to her in an effort to get her to relax and not obssess over being together on a holiday:
“Look, if you and I end up married, we are going to have countless holidays together. And if we don’t end up married, neither is going to care that we didn’t spend this Thanksgiving together, right?”
I wouldn’t bother trying that line on a BF or GF ever again…
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Xantippe
Guest
Very good!
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Xantippe
Guest
This may make me weird, but I find your line convincing.I remember having this discussion with an ex-girlfriend years ago.
She was upset about the possibility of not seeing one another on Thanksgiving, and was determined to find a way to truncate our respective plans so we could spend time with both families involved.
I remember saying something like this to her in an effort to get her to relax and not obssess over being together on a holiday:
“Look, if you and I end up married, we are going to have countless holidays together. And if we don’t end up married, neither is going to care that we didn’t spend this Thanksgiving together, right?”
I wouldn’t bother trying that line on a BF or GF ever again…
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pensmama87
Guest
Me too, actually.
But it probably would have really ticked me off when I was not-married me and more prone to drama.
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UbiCaritas
Guest
Count me in there, too. It was pretty much the way DH and I handled holidays pre-engagement. Of course, we talked on them, but I had friends I wanted to see, and he had family he wanted to see, and we weren’t even engaged yet. Leaving aside anything else, we both kinda saw an engagement coming down the pipeline at that point, and practically speaking, he was unlikely to be able to spend another Thanksgiving on a 10-day solo trip to Europe he’d been planning for months, and I was probably not going to be able to spend Christmas again with friends who were very dear to me but who would be trumped by in-laws when it came to travel plans. It worked out well.
crystal_waters
New member
How about you and your wife use the cash that your wife will be spending on plane tickets and spend it on plane tickets for your father in law to come and see you and your wife instead?
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