Chronically unhappy husband - venting

[MargieOh]

This is my first post to this forum.

We will be married 28 years this September, have 4 kids, 2 adults, 2 teens still at home.

The problem: chronically unhappy husband. Have tried counselling to gether and alone, all the different types of medication for depressiona & anxiety, you name it. No matter what he is just not content. Always a black cloud over his head.

I can’t count the times he has promised to “change” and “be the guy you always wanted me to be”. Nothing ever changes. He tries to be happy and then reverts to being miserable.

He is unhappy in his work, so iencourage him constantly to find soemthing else. I am even ready and wiling to move to another state if he finds a career he will enjoy.

This situation is exhausting for me. I am so tired of trying to boost him up. It is a full time job. I am constantly either walking on eggshells or trying to get him to talk to me. When we do talk it is more like I’m his counselor and I do not want that job. I have suggested so many times that he pray more, we pray together, just trust in God, accept what you cannot change etc. it is like a broken record. He seems unable to make himself happy.

We have had thesame conversation dozens of times, nothing changes. This continues to be a huge strain on our marriage and I’m losing hope that we can ever be happy.

Advice, prayer, any help gratefully accepted. Thanks for listening.

 

[KCT]

Accept him for who he is, accept that he may never change and move on.

Make time for yourself – take a weekend away periodically, go to a movie, out to dinner w/ the girls etc.

Needing a break from your husband is fine, especially if it keeps you healthier.

 

[MargieOh]

Thanks for the reply.

I spend a lot of time on my own now because of the tension and unresolved issue between us. I work part time and walk my dog twice a day. When we are together at home we are usually in separate rooms because we keep coming back to the issue - he is not ahppy, what can he do to change it, blah blah blah.

In counseling we talked about this and how we avoid each other, pushing each other away because of this. It got better for a while but came back again & again.

 

[Nyarlathotep]

This is my first post to this forum.

Welcome aboard! I am relatively new here myself.

We will be married 28 years this September, have 4 kids, 2 adults, 2 teens still at home.

Disclosure statement: I am a divorce lawyer, so I speak from my own experience with unhappy couples. My first question to you would be – has it been this way for 28 years? There must have been some “up” times, no? Is he a dedicated father? What do his children think of him? Can you “stick it out” until the 2 teens graduate from high school? Perhaps you can make that your “deadline” for him. Depressives will often surprise you and muster up the motivation to change when given an ultimatim.

The problem: chronically unhappy husband. Have tried counselling to gether and alone, all the different types of medication for depressiona & anxiety, you name it. No matter what he is just not content. Always a black cloud over his head.

Counselors can be hit-and-miss. Maybe try one or two more? I am contstantly sending people to marriage counselors and am constantly disappointed with their “failure” rate. As for medication, there is a type of depression known as “disthymic” depression that is very resistant to medication and is often life-long. But, again, what was he like when you fell in love with him? How have the circumstances changed? Is this a mid-life trough, perhaps?

I can’t count the times he has promised to “change” and “be the guy you always wanted me to be”. Nothing ever changes. He tries to be happy and then reverts to being miserable.

He is unhappy in his work, so iencourage him constantly to find soemthing else. I am even ready and wiling to move to another state if he finds a career he will enjoy.

You seem very dedicated to shaking him out of his malaise. On the other hand, if he does not feel as though he is doing useful work – useless as a husband, useless as a father, useless as an employee – he is not likely to “snap out of it”. What is it that he does well? Is he an intellectual? A hard worker? Does he have a good sense of humor? Is he a decent father? Does he love deeply? Perhaps encouragement towards those areas of life in which he excels might provide the impetus for him to find pleasure in life again.

This situation is exhausting for me. I am so tired of trying to boost him up. It is a full time job. I am constantly either walking on eggshells or trying to get him to talk to me. When we do talk it is more like I’m his counselor and I do not want that job. I have suggested so many times that he pray more, we pray together, just trust in God, accept what you cannot change etc. it is like a broken record. He seems unable to make himself happy.

What has your priest said?

We have had thesame conversation dozens of times, nothing changes. This continues to be a huge strain on our marriage and I’m losing hope that we can ever be happy.

Advice, prayer, any help gratefully accepted. Thanks for listening.

I will pray for the both of you. Being both wife and mother is often a downwardly-spiriling dependent relationship. His dependency on you reinforces his despondancy because he undoubtedly feels (perhaps not without reason) that you no longer respect him as a person and that he’s not acting as a “man” should. This shame obviously adds to his misery.

In my experience, couples, one of whom is depressed, break up either because the depressive decides he just needs to “start over” to break out of his rut, or because the spouse’s endurance has reached its breaking point. Those that reconcile are those wherein the spouse can be nurturing without “enabling” the depressive’s depression, and wherein the depressive finds a way to change his routine/job/habits without at the same time casting aside his wife and children.

 

[Zundrah]

I suffer with depression and post traumatic stress disorder, so trust me when I say that no one can make you permanently or temperamentally happy because it is a mental condition. Only the Lord can give us peace and grace. But if we say no to him at the door, then what hope do we have? It is not his personality but it is his mind in a bad condition. It is incurable but with a long devotion of loyalty and love to him even when he is in the greatest depths of darkness you will keep him from sinking deeper.

Try not to cure him because that will never work, but try to preserve him because that has all possibilities. Does that make sense?

 

[Tybourne]

I echo what’s been said already about dysthymia. There are three main approaches to depression, each corresponding to a dimension of the human person:

• physical
• mental
• spiritual

On the physical side, probably the best thing you can do as his wife is to get him out of the house for a 30 mins-1 hr walk at least four times a week between 12.00 and 2.00 when the sun is at its brightest. Consider looking at diet and sleep and other forms of exercise as well as medication.

On the mental side, you could encourage your husband to read Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman which will teach him to relearn habitual ways of thinking that can ease depression. Read The Temperament God Gave You by Art and Larraine Bennett to see how your temperaments complement each other and clash and how to deal with a melancholic husband (including how to motivate him).

On the spiritual side, encourage your husband to meditate on the blessedness of heaven, if he is a committed Catholic. If not, pray the Rosary for him everyday, especially focus on him during the second Glorious Mystery, the Ascension and pray for the virtue of Hope. Invoke his guardian angel, any patron saints and Venerable (soon to be Blessed) John Henry Cardinal Newman who seems to have suffered from such difficulties himself.

I hope this gives you some additional ideas.

Praying for you, Our Lord bless you.

 

[MargieOh]

Thank you for all your replies. One thing I did not mention is that he is an adult child of an alcoholic, and exhibits many behaviors stemming from that. Neither of us drink at all. He is aware of this and gradually is coming to understand the root of the problem, but he cannot change his brain to stop the learned behavior.

All the advice you have given is excellent - however, everything has been tried and failed. I think I am very close to just not even trying anymore. I have a “whatever” attitude, realize I cannot do anything, he has to do it.

He knows what the problems are and what he needs to do to fix it, he just can’t seem to do it.

For example - exercise - he always feels better when he’s on a workout routine. His problem is he is a “all or nothing” thinker - either do a full workout every day or don’t do it at all. So he tells himself “I will not be able to do a full workout, so I won’t do anything” He is also an emotional eater which makes him feel worse as he gains weight.

Walking - I am a big walker, several miles daily and it keeps me happy. I suggest over and over again he try it. We have a dog that loves to walk. needs to walk, run even. Nope. If I invite him to go with me he is consistently critical of the way I handle the dog - not the way he would, and his way is the only way. So there is tension which I try to laugh away but it is not good. he says he will get up and walk the dog but always an excuse why he didn’t - he actually blames the dog for being “lazy” which is ridiculous.

Prayer - I have complete trust in God’s ability to provide for us in all ways at all times. He thinks it’s all up to him. No amount of talking can convince him otherwise. I have a relationship with God, he just follows the rules. Again, talked it to death and never changes.

He used to be a happy go lucky guy. The responsibilities of providing for his family have sucked the joy out of his life. For most of our marriage I have felt like a burden and have felt resented for not working full time, even though we agreed to keep me home to raise the kids. He put a lot of pressure on me to work when they grew up.

Thanks again and please just pray for us.

 

[dontknow]

Coming from someone who has been involved in various family relationships regarding depression, anxiety, along with schizophrenia, bi-polar… please do not give up!!!

It can take several years with an aggressive treatment plan to find the right balance of meds and therapy for someone. It is a complex formula that is different for every human that struggles with this.

I would suggest you get counseling for yourself as well - but be careful since there are counselors out there who almost guide you to divorce. Research high & low for a counselor that would only consider that after each & every other option possible has been explored.

You may each need counseling support alone and perhaps one together.

Just keep trying and be sure to check out NAMI on the web for more insights to this disease.

If your husband wasn’t feeling good because of Cancer, you probably wouldn’t dump him off since you can visually see something taking place. Mental illness can be undetected from the “outside” and can go untreated for many years.

Please, please, please check out & join NAMI, who I am not affiliated with in any way other than as a member who has been enlighten on the topic of things like this to help me understand and cope.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you for all your replies. One thing I did not mention is that he is an adult child of an alcoholic, and exhibits many behaviors stemming from that. Neither of us drink at all. He is aware of this and gradually is coming to understand the root of the problem, but he cannot change his brain to stop the learned behavior.

All the advice you have given is excellent - however, everything has been tried and failed. I think I am very close to just not even trying anymore. I have a “whatever” attitude, realize I cannot do anything, he has to do it.

He knows what the problems are and what he needs to do to fix it, he just can’t seem to do it.

For example - exercise - he always feels better when he’s on a workout routine. His problem is he is a “all or nothing” thinker - either do a full workout every day or don’t do it at all. So he tells himself “I will not be able to do a full workout, so I won’t do anything” He is also an emotional eater which makes him feel worse as he gains weight.

Walking - I am a big walker, several miles daily and it keeps me happy. I suggest over and over again he try it. We have a dog that loves to walk. needs to walk, run even. Nope. If I invite him to go with me he is consistently critical of the way I handle the dog - not the way he would, and his way is the only way. So there is tension which I try to laugh away but it is not good. he says he will get up and walk the dog but always an excuse why he didn’t - he actually blames the dog for being “lazy” which is ridiculous.

Prayer - I have complete trust in God’s ability to provide for us in all ways at all times. He thinks it’s all up to him. No amount of talking can convince him otherwise. I have a relationship with God, he just follows the rules. Again, talked it to death and never changes.

He used to be a happy go lucky guy. The responsibilities of providing for his family have sucked the joy out of his life. For most of our marriage I have felt like a burden and have felt resented for not working full time, even though we agreed to keep me home to raise the kids. He put a lot of pressure on me to work when they grew up.

Thanks again and please just pray for us.

***I’m sorry you’re both struggling…it sounds like a number of things, but if you get the sense that he is feeling a lot of pressure with work, now that your kids are older, and the others have moved out…maybe you could find something with more hours, to help him not feel so pressured? Men might not express that often, but I work fulltime, and there are days when it can be a little much. I do enjoy my work, but it has its days, the fact that he has been working at something for a while, and doesn’t like it, maybe he is looking for a little break…we all need them now and again. I don’t know if that might lift some of the heaviness for him, but maybe if you found something that contributed to the finances, even for just a small while, it could help him feel less pressure. Just a thought. The fact that he is depressed to a degree as it is, he might not cope well with the weight of all the finances on his shoulder as maybe someone else who is not depressed. But, for the sake of his mental and physical health (it’s all tied together)…I’d probably try to help out with the finances if I could find something worth while as a job, if I thought that was weighing heavily on my husband. Just trying to throw out an option…I think we sometimes think that men should be the sole providers forever, without complaint…but especially nowadays with the economy, it can be daunting to have the weight of all the finances on one person’s shoulders. Sometimes we have to change the way we have lived for a long time, to make things better in another area. Maybe helping with the finances a bit, could help ease your husband’s mind. Maybe not, but it might be worth discussing with him to see if that might help.

I hope that something works out, and he finds happiness with you–and that your marriage can thrive again. God bless, I’ll keep you in my prayers. ***

 

[kage_ar]

Give him the gift of a retreat - let him recharge his spiritual batteries.

When was the last time you just wasted time with him, did something fun like you did when you were young? You might be surprised how much joy can come from hanging out with your sweetie.

 

[Nyarlathotep]

Thanks again and please just pray for us.

Why don’t we (i.e., all who are reading this thread) say a rosary for the two of them?

 

[MargieOh]

I do work and make a very decent hourly wage even though part time (union) so I contribute a large amount financially. Without a college degree this is the best I can do and am lucky to have the position while it lasts.

He is stressed financially however in this economy being employed is a blessing. He does face the possibility of layoff but who doesn’t ?

We are basically loners, don’t socialize at all. My husband has an inferiority issue with those who are better off financially. That has kept us from making friends. He does play golf with one guy he worked with occasionally but has no other friends. He has twin brothers 2 years younger than himself, that was his friend base growing up but now they hardly see each other and when they do it is just conflict, creates stress and not worth it.

As far as Catholic community - non-existent here. I am on parish council, he is a Knight but his council just gambles, no service or spiritual work happening there.

Retreats in this area are so liberal and whacky, you would not believe it. He used to make ana nnual men’s retreat until it got so wacky he could not do it anymore.

 

[whatevergirl]

I do work and make a very decent hourly wage even though part time (union) so I contribute a large amount financially. Without a college degree this is the best I can do and am lucky to have the position while it lasts.

He is stressed financially however in this economy being employed is a blessing. He does face the possibility of layoff but who doesn’t ?

We are basically loners, don’t socialize at all. My husband has an inferiority issue with those who are better off financially. That has kept us from making friends. He does play golf with one guy he worked with occasionally but has no other friends. He has twin brothers 2 years younger than himself, that was his friend base growing up but now they hardly see each other and when they do it is just conflict, creates stress and not worth it.

As far as Catholic community - non-existent here. I am on parish council, he is a Knight but his council just gambles, no service or spiritual work happening there.

Retreats in this area are so liberal and whacky, you would not believe it. He used to make ana nnual men’s retreat until it got so wacky he could not do it anymore.

*Yes it is a blessing that you both are earning a good income, that’s great to hear. Ok, I was just throwing out an idea…I wasn’t sure if that could have been where some of it was coming from–like feeling pressured. The thing is, you are right, we are all under some stress (additional) but different people deal with stress, differently. I like the idea of you both going away together for a time, alone…somewhere romantic? Any possibility of doing something like that? I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. *

 

[Sr_Sally]

I will be praying for you. I know how hard it can be to live with someone who is always depressed/unhappy. Please continue to perserver with him, but don’t ever feel that you can ‘fix’ him. That will never happen. He must take certain responsibilities on for himself. I would encourage you to ask his doctor again about meds. There have been advances in the medication of mental illnesses so something new, or a different combination of meds may help.

You should also continue to care for yourself–take your walks, get together with whatever friends you do have, continue to eat a healthy diet (and keep the junk food out of the house).

Offer up your suffering to God and keep praying. I will pray for you both as well.

 

[ac_claire]

Walking - I am a big walker, several miles daily and it keeps me happy. I suggest over and over again he try it. We have a dog that loves to walk. needs to walk, run even. Nope. If I invite him to go with me he is consistently critical of the way I handle the dog - not the way he would, and his way is the only way.

This is just a relatively smallish thing, but why not suggest the two of you go out for a walk and either let him handle the dog, or you (cheerfully) offer to handle the dog his way?

Prayer - I have complete trust in God’s ability to provide for us in all ways at all times. He thinks it’s all up to him. No amount of talking can convince him otherwise. I have a relationship with God, he just follows the rules. Again, talked it to death and never changes.

Sounds like he feels like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he’s really feeling that weight now. The “talked it to death” comment, and the similar things you’ve said above about becoming your husband’s councelor at time, sets off a little alarm bell. If yall are in a pattern currently of you trying to cheer him up and giving him advice constantly on how he can change, etc., that could very well be exacerbating the problem. It may be really wounding his pride to be in such a situation, and to be part of such a dynamic with his wife. Sounds like in some ways you’re almost more of a mother than a wife.

I know that it takes two, and that if you are in this role it’s likely because you were pushed into it against your will. But I suggest completely abandoning the mothering instinct. Just try it for a week. When he comes to you pitiful and depressed and wanting advice, respond to him as a trusting partner…you understand how he’s feeling, and you have confidence in him. Ask him what you can do to make him feel better.

If he doesn’t come to you, explicitly wanting advice or a shoulder to cry on, then don’t offer it.

(Please don’t be offended by the following suggestions…I’m not saying that you haven’t done this, but just in case you haven’t, and since you asked for advice, I thought I’d put it out there…)

Why not make a resolution that you will not be negative toward him in any way, shape or form. Maybe give yourself a trial period…say, a week…to try it out and see how it goes. When he expresses frustration, hopelessness, anxiety about finances, his job, etc., just be supportive of him. Tell him that you know what a good husband and father he is (or has been) and what a good provider, and that you have every confidence that he will continue to be able to provide for your family. Bury the (justified, IMO) frustration you feel at having to work at all when that wasn’t part of your original agreement, and reiterate that you’ll do whatever you can to help him provide, if he wants you to.

Obviously you’ll have to adjust yout approach to your own personalities and the established styles of communication between the two of you, etc. Don’t let it come off as an act…Say it from the heart. Try to dig deep down past the long-suffering frustration you feel and find that part of you that loves and respects your husband more than anything, and despite everything. Nurture that; speak from that place, deep down as it may be.

In my experience, normal men with normal insecurities need to feel that there is someplace in this world where they can fight and win, where they can be the hero. Let that safe place for your husband be with you.

Those are just my thoughts, which may or may not be helpful. I’ve prayed for the two of you as well. :hug1:

 

[flyingfish]

This is my first post to this forum.

We will be married 28 years this September, have 4 kids, 2 adults, 2 teens still at home.

The problem: chronically unhappy husband. Have tried counselling to gether and alone, all the different types of medication for depressiona & anxiety, you name it. No matter what he is just not content. Always a black cloud over his head.

I can’t count the times he has promised to “change” and “be the guy you always wanted me to be”. Nothing ever changes. He tries to be happy and then reverts to being miserable.

He is unhappy in his work, so iencourage him constantly to find soemthing else. I am even ready and wiling to move to another state if he finds a career he will enjoy.

This situation is exhausting for me. I am so tired of trying to boost him up. It is a full time job. I am constantly either walking on eggshells or trying to get him to talk to me. When we do talk it is more like I’m his counselor and I do not want that job. I have suggested so many times that he pray more, we pray together, just trust in God, accept what you cannot change etc. it is like a broken record. He seems unable to make himself happy.

We have had thesame conversation dozens of times, nothing changes. This continues to be a huge strain on our marriage and I’m losing hope that we can ever be happy.

Advice, prayer, any help gratefully accepted. Thanks for listening.

Have you considered that you are putting too much pressure on him to change?

It sounds like he has a mental illness that’s resistant to treatment, it’s not something he can just promise you to change and get it done. It’s not something under his control.

Accept him for who he is and live with the husband you have, not the husband you wish you had.

You said he used to be happy-go-lucky, maybe try to regain some of that. Maybe get a full-time job so that you can bring in more money and lessen the pressure on him to provide for you and the kids. (I am guessing with 2 teens there is a lot of pressure to put them through school.) Maybe the extra money will allow you to go on a fun vacation, just the two of you, or something…

 

[cheeto1]

well I met a woman who was a teacher for many years but she said that once her
kids were teenagers, she thought she better be home. Teenagers really can get
into serious trouble, and statistics show that the vast majority of it all happens in
their own homes when their parents aren’t home. Maybe if you went to work full time, there would actually be more stress in the house instead of less, everyone would
have to do more, including your husband who already has enough stress.

If he’s not mean to the dog, I agree with the one who said to let him walk the dog with
you, or even do it his way. It sure is fun to get your own way. It makes me happy
anyway. Then what if you even let him pick which way to turn, how far to go, etc.
Also, I saw a show on 20/20 a few years back which said that if we don’t get enough
sleep, our brains get depleted of a chemical that makes it possible to feel the emotion
of happiness. Isn’t it funny how depressed people want to sleep more? Maybe they
need it!

Is it possible that he is the kind of person who likes being sad so people will try
and cheer him up and he enjoys that kind of attention? They want to hear those
encouraging words…

 

[Leonius]

He’s probably just a melancholic, been sad is not an illness and he does not need to be cured, my advice is that you stop mothering him.

 

[mrpathetic]

From the sound of your husband, it sounds like you could be describing me - at least 80% of me. We both sound like we could be founding menbers of the Grumpy Old Men club. (That was one of my favorite Jack Lemmon/Walter Matthau movies. )

I too have struggled with depression and anxiety for many, many years. And I too feel like the pressures of adulthood, fatherhood, and ministry, have completely drained me. And yes, I have had career disappointments as well, to deal with. My relationships with my wife, and family in general, are very poor. My marriage is effectively dead, with no intimacy or communication whatsoever.

Once I accepted my circumstance, and stopped trying to change it, I felt much better. I now realize that my sufferings are part of God’s plan, for my salvation, and for those around me.

I accepted that the reality of my circumstance was a cross from Christ. I am to bear it, because it suits the Lord’s will. I don’t expect it to get any easier; I only expect it to get tougher, as the years go by, my health continues to fade, and my mental condition continues to worsen. I only pray to the Lord, to grant me the graces to endure this battle. And hopefully, I can set a positive example for those around me (especially my teenage children.)

Have your husband read and meditate on the 8th chapter of Mark’s Gospel tonight:

"He summoned the crowd with his disciples and said to them, "Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. "

Until your husband comes to this realization, he will continue to be miserable. Once he comes to this realization, he may not necessarily be happy. But for the Christian, the goal of life is not to be happy, but to receive salvation. Your husband may regain some form of hope and charity, which will be to the benefit of his own soul, and those around him.

 

[TLM08]

This is my first post to this forum.

We will be married 28 years this September, have 4 kids, 2 adults, 2 teens still at home.

The problem: chronically unhappy husband. Have tried counselling to gether and alone, all the different types of medication for depressiona & anxiety, you name it. No matter what he is just not content. Always a black cloud over his head.

I can’t count the times he has promised to “change” and “be the guy you always wanted me to be”. Nothing ever changes. He tries to be happy and then reverts to being miserable.

He is unhappy in his work, so iencourage him constantly to find soemthing else. I am even ready and wiling to move to another state if he finds a career he will enjoy.

This situation is exhausting for me. I am so tired of trying to boost him up. It is a full time job. I am constantly either walking on eggshells or trying to get him to talk to me. When we do talk it is more like I’m his counselor and I do not want that job. I have suggested so many times that he pray more, we pray together, just trust in God, accept what you cannot change etc. it is like a broken record. He seems unable to make himself happy.

We have had thesame conversation dozens of times, nothing changes. This continues to be a huge strain on our marriage and I’m losing hope that we can ever be happy.

Advice, prayer, any help gratefully accepted. Thanks for listening.

Boosting him up is not your responsibility. Your job is not to be his counselor either. Simply let him know that when he is like that, it is draining and you choose not to be sucked into that anymore. It will be his choice at that point to either change his behavior or sit alone and pout to himself. Let him know that you do love him, but have no intention of living the rest of your life like this. As soon as he sees that you aren’t caretaking his emotions anymore, he will probably get the hint and shape up.