Church Schedule in a Mixed Family

[Viki63]

Have you considered asking your husband to attend RCIA, at least for a few sessions so that he will understand your Catholic faith better? If you can find a good one, that is.

I understand his feeling that the Catholic liturgy is stultifying and boring, which is what my teenagers think. It does have a rigid structure and framework, but within that structure you can find great grace if you pay attention. We hear passages from the Bible every Sunday, have the scripture of the day related to our lives in the homily, then the Eucharist – the words are always the same, but this is Jesus coming to us. It’s not boring to any serious adult Christian who knows what is going on.

Many of us who were Protestants previously now feel that something is definitely missing in protestant services. One friend expressed that the service felt “empty.” Of course God is being worshiped, which is wonderful, but Jesus is not present in the Eucharist, which does leave a big empty place for anyone who has experienced it. Maybe you could talk to your husband about what you get out of mass. It’s not just about the rules, it’s an experience that many Catholics find essential, and is the high point of their week.

 

[heart4home]

I thought that the non Catholic spouse was just made aware of the Catholic spouse’s obligation to raise the children Catholic to the greatest extent possible but had to make no promises to help/not impede themselves.

**Chances are that your kids will end up with very weak or no faith. **If the parents can’t agree on the truth, why should the child believe it?

You go to mass every week and attend church every other week with your husband too. Every other week he will attend with you. The kids should probably just alternate weeks for a while until they are old enough to pick which one they are the most comfortable in.

No, that isn’t the way that its supposed to be from a Catholic perspective, but good luck telling a father that he is not to pass on his religious beliefs and practices to his children but his wife can. A broken, angry, and resentful home is not good for kids either.

And yes, this is exactly why mixed marriages are a bad idea if you can’t stand the thought of your kids being exposed to and taught another religion.

Yes, your husbands concerns are valid. When your child is little it wont’ be an issue, but as he/she grows, they will see that Daddy is staying home some weeks. There are many studies that show the Father’s actions are more influential than the mother’s no matter how devout the mother is.

 

[heart4home]

Have you considered asking your husband to attend RCIA, at least for a few sessions so that he will understand your Catholic faith better? If you can find a good one, that is.

I understand his feeling that the Catholic liturgy is stultifying and boring, which is what my teenagers think. It does have a rigid structure and framework, but within that structure you can find great grace if you pay attention. We hear passages from the Bible every Sunday, have the scripture of the day related to our lives in the homily, then the Eucharist – the words are always the same, but this is Jesus coming to us. It’s not boring to any serious adult Christian who knows what is going on.

Many of us who were Protestants previously now feel that something is definitely missing in protestant services. One friend expressed that the service felt “empty.” Of course God is being worshiped, which is wonderful, but Jesus is not present in the Eucharist, which does leave a big empty place for anyone who has experienced it. Maybe you could talk to your husband about what you get out of mass. It’s not just about the rules, it’s an experience that many Catholics find essential, and is the high point of their week.

She’s Catholic, she knows what goes on at Mass. Most Protestants don’t believe Jesus is really present in the Eucharist in the same way as Catholics. Sadly, most Catholics don’t believe it either. There are various studies, but many say less than 50% believe it is the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus.

There’s nothing wrong with suggesting or inviting him to RCIA, but just as her husband respects her decisions, she needs to respect his as well.

 

[heart4home]

I hope you understand why this is not possible. Your child, once over the age of reason (and especially after First Communion) has the same obligation as you and all Catholics-- to attend Mass on all Holy Days and Sundays. It isn’t optional. It is grave matter. As for harm-- what can be more harmful than mortal sin to the soul?

Hopefully, you will have arrived at a solution before you must decline this request.

She can decline it all she wants, but marriage is not a dictatorship. A wife doesn’t just get to refuse or ignore their husband’s genuine concerns, especially in regard to their children, just like a husband doesn’'t get to refuse or ignore their wife’s. The husband has not objected to the child attending Mass on the agreed weekeends, and being taught the Faith, and that’s all he probably thought he agreed to do. Since it seems this one week on and one week off, has been going on for some time, I’m sure he thought that would be just fine. Why would he not if the OP didn’t seem to have a problem with it before the baby was born? She seems to be the one who was not clear on teaching her husband before marriage what would be expected. Mass every week. Holy Days of Obligation. Religious Education every week, etc. etc.

It’s not completely clear if he made this request, before or after marriage, but the truth is, you can’t understand before marriage or before children, how something will make you feel. The child is his as well, and he has an equal right to being concerned about it’s upbringing in Faith.

My guess from what she said here is, that he agreed to have the child baptized Catholic and they agreed to trade off weekends, exposing their children to both faiths equally.

 

[heart4home]

Thank you for bringing this up. I thought that this was the clean line that separated Catholics from all other Protestants, but my husband was adamant in one of our discussions that Lutherans also believe in the True Presence in the Eucharist. Neither of us are Lutheran, so we’ve both been curious since then to learn the truth about it.

My husband’s biggest complaints about the Catholic church are not theological, so it’s possible that he would be happy attending the right type of Mass. There have been some Catholic churches that he has liked more than others, but so far we haven’t found a perfect fit.

Basically, he finds the Mass to be very un-engaging. Not that he feels that he’s there to be entertained, but the structured and pre-scripted nature of the Mass is something he hasn’t been able to connect with. Likewise, the structure of the church itself is something he is uncomfortable with, coming from a church with an almost non-existent hierarchy. He has been put off by rules that he sees as “bureaucratic,” like my obligation to sign the promise that I would strive to raise the children Catholic, and the RCIA process. Where he comes from, Christians and non-Christians who want to join the church need only come up to the front during the service. With that background, he doesn’t understand why someone who wants to become Catholic is required to sign up for a program on a particular schedule, and can’t just join when they feel ready.

Theologically, there is very little that we disagree on. He is “on the fence” about the Eucharist,** and most other things that we thought were differences have ended up being the same belief, just looked at from different angles. ** I hope that this helps us to avoid the contradictions that can drive young people from the faith entirely. We’ve been trying very hard to come to a point where we can teach our children together in a way that won’t be confusing to them.

After more discussion on the church schedule, he says that it won’t bother him if I want to continue going to Mass every week, nor if I want to bring the baby. He has asked, though, that when our son is old enough to protest, that I let Mass on the service weekends be optional for him. He’s afraid that the conflict and resulting tension from forcing (and why doesn’t Daddy have to go) might do more harm than good.

So he believes in all the doctrines of Mary? That she was immaculately conceived, that she remained an ever virgin, that she is the Mother of God, that she was assumed into heaven with her earthly body, that she is co-redemtrix?

He believes in the sacrament of reconciliation? Confessing sins to receive absolution and doing penance.

He believes in the Authority of the Church alone to interpret scripture? Yes laity can read and use it as a guide, but authority over it belongs to the Church.

I’m just pointing out some of the common areas that Protestants don’t agree, when you get down to the nitty gritty of things.

A good idea would be to sit down and read the Catechism of the Catholic Church together using your Bible to look up verses etc. and see how the Church has come up with each doctrine. It might be eye opening to both of you, and certainly a good tool to teach your husband the faith accurately. He should know what you and the Church will be teaching your children.

 

[heart4home]

We talked a lot about religion when our relationship started to look long-term. Before getting married, we wanted to have an idea of how things would work out. We attended each other’s churches while dating and had long discussions each Sunday about the readings and any differences we might have in our beliefs. While there are still some things that we don’t agree on, I think we’ve both grown in our understanding of certain things by being able to look at them from different angles. Neither of us considers the other’s church to be bad for the children or anything like that. After all, we are both Christian, and both churches ultimately have the same goals. Still, it’s an ongoing and sometimes delicate journey to come to the right balance. We came up with the alternating weekends plan before getting married, but like a lot of other things it was theory at the time. We’ve spent the past two years doing a lot of tweaking of our plans now that we’re “out in the field,” so to speak.

Before getting married in the Catholic Church, I had to promise in writing that I would do all in my power to have our children baptized and to raise them in the Catholic faith. My husband only had to accept that I would make that promise. He had no issue with our future children being baptized Catholic.

To both of us, the most important thing is to raise our children in a peaceful, Christian home. Regarding the obligation to attend Mass on Sunday, I have also wondered if this is an obligation to attend Mass specifically, or to attend a service in devotion to God and listen to the Scripture. I know the Eucharist is not present in Protestant services, but I thought the official requirement there was to receive at least once a year, preferably during Easter. Of course, I wouldn’t feel right limiting it nearly that much, but as far as official guidelines go, I’ve been confused on that.

Thank you for all of the advice. It isn’t always easy, but we are determined to come to a point that satisfies our faiths and our relationship.

It sounds like your husband and you are finding your way, and that you both love God. That’s important. Hopefully in time you will work out what is best for you and your children. This board is for sharing the faith and its teachings which is very good, but people love to post sounding as if they have always lived by every rule of the Church. They haven’t. Many of them, are older now and have finally found their way. You seem to be in a respectful, happy marriage and I’m sure you will find your way too.

God Bless.

 

[BrokenPlatter]

Was your child, in fact, baptized in the Catholic Church?

Yes, he was baptized in the Catholic Church when he was a few months old. My sister (who is becoming a nun) was chosen to be his Godmother, and my brother-in-law was chosen to be a Christian witness. My husband’s family was very supportive because they knew it was important to me. The ones who were able attended the Mass and Baptism, and most of the rest of them sent cards and gifts with congratulations and blessings.

I am so glad to hear from someone in a happy mixed-marriage! Our biggest issue has been concern about future possibilities, since there is more negative said about it than positive.

What has been your approach?

 

[BrokenPlatter]

So he believes in all the doctrines of Mary? That she was immaculately conceived, that she remained an ever virgin, that she is the Mother of God, that she was assumed into heaven with her earthly body, that she is co-redemtrix?

He believes in the sacrament of reconciliation? Confessing sins to receive absolution and doing penance.

He believes in the Authority of the Church alone to interpret scripture? Yes laity can read and use it as a guide, but authority over it belongs to the Church.

He doesn’t know entirely what he thinks about Mary. That’s a topic he hasn’t wanted to discuss much, since neither of us knows of a source to turn to for the items where we disagree. He’s a “show me the references” kind of person. When I’ve been able to back up things, he’s reconsidered his views. He’s very interested in learning the truth on things, even when it isn’t what he originally thought.

We went to a Catholic retreat together shortly after getting married, and he made his first confession there. They invited multiple priests to come for the evening and made an open invitation to all Christians who were attending the retreat. When he came out, I asked him what he thought of it. He said that he could understand why we do it. He still doesn’t think that it is essential for forgiveness, but he isn’t against it anymore.

He doesn’t agree with the Church being the only authority to interpret Scripture. When he’s complaining, he often makes a mention of the Church at one point promoting illiteracy to prevent laypeople from reading and interpreting the Scripture for themselves. In his church, he puts more value on the group Bible studies than the worship service.

 

[BrokenPlatter]

Have you considered asking your husband to attend RCIA, at least for a few sessions so that he will understand your Catholic faith better?

After our son was baptized, the deacon suggested that my husband attend RCIA (assuring him that it wasn’t only for people who wanted to convert). My husband isn’t excited about the idea, but also isn’t against it. I would love to attend with him this September. My only fear is if we didn’t find a good one, and it rubbed him the wrong way. Never having gone, I’m not sure what they’re like. I think it could help for us to all be on the same page. (And who knows, he might like it enough to join, though I’m not holding my breath just yet.)

 

[BrokenPlatter]

It sounds like your husband and you are finding your way, and that you both love God. That’s important. Hopefully in time you will work out what is best for you and your children. This board is for sharing the faith and its teachings which is very good, but people love to post sounding as if they have always lived by every rule of the Church. They haven’t. Many of them, are older now and have finally found their way. You seem to be in a respectful, happy marriage and I’m sure you will find your way too.

God Bless.

Thank you I hope we do!

 

[heart4home]

He doesn’t know entirely what he thinks about Mary. That’s a topic he hasn’t wanted to discuss much, since neither of us knows of a source to turn to for the items where we disagree. He’s a “show me the references” kind of person. When I’ve been able to back up things, he’s reconsidered his views. He’s very interested in learning the truth on things, even when it isn’t what he originally thought.

We went to a Catholic retreat together shortly after getting married, and he made his first confession there. They invited multiple priests to come for the evening and made an open invitation to all Christians who were attending the retreat. When he came out, I asked him what he thought of it. He said that he could understand why we do it. He still doesn’t think that it is essential for forgiveness, but he isn’t against it anymore.

He doesn’t agree with the Church being the only authority to interpret Scripture. When he’s complaining, he often makes a mention of the Church at one point promoting illiteracy to prevent laypeople from reading and interpreting the Scripture for themselves. ** In his church, he puts more value on the group Bible studies than the worship service.**

I think that’s common. Worship is wonderful, but a Protestant service is highly dependent on who is preaching and what you are learning, as well as your preference for music etc. Studying the word of God in open dialogue which happens in the Bible Study Classes helps many feel connected to Jesus in a different way. Trying to understand His life and who He was, and the way He thought etc. Being able to hear others thoughts and ask questions and how to apply the teachings to our lives today in 2012.

The Catholic Church seems to do this in a different way. We tend to spend more time studying saints and Mary and how they related to and served Christ and often try to figure out how we can do that too.

I think we need a combination of the two. Weekly Bible Study after Mass would be wonderful and while some really active parishes do have some options for this it is not wide spread.

Have you looked into other options in your community. Some parishes have classes like “Why Catholic” or other Adult Formation. He may really enjoy those if he enjoys his Bible Study classes.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes, he was baptized in the Catholic Church when he was a few months old. My sister (who is becoming a nun) was chosen to be his Godmother, and my brother-in-law was chosen to be a Christian witness. My husband’s family was very supportive because they knew it was important to me. The ones who were able attended the Mass and Baptism, and most of the rest of them sent cards and gifts with congratulations and blessings.

I am so glad to hear from someone in a happy mixed-marriage! Our biggest issue has been concern about future possibilities, since there is more negative said about it than positive.

What has been your approach?

Does your husband understand that being a Catholic is not simply one of many options for your child, now that he has been baptized? He is now under all the obligations of a Catholic, including receiving the sacraments of First Confession, Communion and Confirmation. So promoting Protestantism to your Catholic son is actually deconstructing his faith. It will cause problems, that is a guarantee. Coming from my POV, if my husband hadn’t been Catholic in his childhood, and decided to fake it for his sons’ sake, I doubt seriously if either of them would have had any faith at all. As it is, they have received NOTHING spiritually from their father, but at least he hasn’t actively interfered with my teaching and their schools’ teaching.

A mixed-faith marriage is never easy.

 

[1ke]

he often makes a mention of the Church at one point promoting illiteracy to prevent laypeople from reading and interpreting the Scripture for themselves.

He might have a point if this were actually true, which it isn’t.

 

[mamaslo]

You and your husband might like to study the Bible together using Jeff Cavins Great Adventure Bible Study. It is very good. Thorough and Mr Cavins used to be protestant and may answer a lot of you and your husband’s questions as you go.

Just thought I would pass it on. He might also be interested in reading the Catechism, and the Church Encyclicals.

I am glad he is supportive. That is very good.

 

[heart4home]

Does your husband understand that being a Catholic is not simply one of many options for your child, now that he has been baptized? He is now under all the obligations of a Catholic, including receiving the sacraments of First Confession, Communion and Confirmation. So promoting Protestantism to your Catholic son is actually deconstructing his faith. It will cause problems, that is a guarantee. Coming from my POV, if my husband hadn’t been Catholic in his childhood, and decided to fake it for his sons’ sake, I doubt seriously if either of them would have had any faith at all. As it is, they have received NOTHING spiritually from their father, but at least he hasn’t actively interfered with my teaching and their schools’ teaching.

A mixed-faith marriage is never easy.

But you are looking at it from a Catholic point of view. Her husband is going to look at it from his point of view. He’s going to see the baptism through the lens of his own upbringing and faith.

I never understand how others expect somebody who is not in total agreement with the Catholic Faith to take as seriously the issues of being under obligation to a Church when obviously they themselves haven’t believed it correct enough to accept it for themselves.

He’s not necessarily going to believe with the Church that his son is now under their guard so to speak.

He likely believes that his son will be saved through having Faith in Jesus Christ when he gets older. He may or may not believe that the baptism was even necessary.

 

[He_Man]

But you are looking at it from a Catholic point of view. Her husband is going to look at it from his point of view. He’s going to see the baptism through the lens of his own upbringing and faith.

I never understand how others expect somebody who is not in total agreement with the Catholic Faith to take as seriously the issues of being under obligation to a Church when obviously they themselves haven’t believed it correct enough to accept it for themselves.

Because that is what they agreed to in the Sacrament of Marriage? They weren’t just words to check off.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

But you are looking at it from a Catholic point of view. Her husband is going to look at it from his point of view. He’s going to see the baptism through the lens of his own upbringing and faith.

I never understand how others expect somebody who is not in total agreement with the Catholic Faith to take as seriously the issues of being under obligation to a Church when obviously they themselves haven’t believed it correct enough to accept it for themselves.

He’s not necessarily going to believe with the Church that his son is now under their guard so to speak.

He likely believes that his son will be saved through having Faith in Jesus Christ when he gets older. He may or may not believe that the baptism was even necessary.

I realize that. Of course I look at it from a Catholic POV. Our faith is the One True Faith, and when I see other Catholics creating this kind of problem by marrying outside the faith, it makes me sad, because I know that the likely outcome of “They need to learn BOTH faiths,” is that the kids will end up with NO faith.

 

[BrokenPlatter]

He likely believes that his son will be saved through having Faith in Jesus Christ when he gets older. He may or may not believe that the baptism was even necessary.

That’s pretty much his stance at the moment. He saw the baptism as something harmless that was important to me, so he went along with it. To him, the significant point in our son’s life will be when he turns 7 or 8 and decides to either receive First Communion or be baptized into the Protestant church (since they don’t recognize infant baptism).

The story has gotten more interesting since then. My husband was raised Southern Baptist (His parents were originally Catholic but converted. His extended family was ecstatic when they heard that he was marrying a “good Catholic girl.”). For the first year of our marriage, we alternated between his Southern Baptist church and my Catholic church. However, near the beginning of our second year, we moved to an area with ample Catholic churches but no Southern Baptist church . Rather than only go to Catholic church, my husband still preferred to be able to alternate, so we found a new church for his weekends - Disciples of Christ.

He was already talking about looking around before our location demanded it, because he doesn’t agree with a lot of the official Southern Baptist teachings. In fact, I think if he didn’t have an issue with the structured nature of the Catholic Church, he may have decided that we could just be a Catholic family.

I’m really not sure how it is all going to pan out over the next few years. I know it will involve lots of prayers. 7 or 8 is very young for someone to decide what they believe. In God’s Hands, though, I know everything will work out.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I’m really not sure how it is all going to pan out over the next few years. I know it will involve lots of prayers. 7 or 8 is very young for someone to decide what they believe. In God’s Hands, though, I know everything will work out.

Well that Church considers one an “adult” at 7 - the age of reason. Once he gets old enough for CCD, please make sure he gets there every week.

In the meantime, there are many excellent resources from Protestant clergy and others who have converted. Scott Hahn, Jeff Cavins, many of the Catholic Answers staff. Take a look at “Rome, Sweet Home” and similar books about conversion.

 

[1ke]

To him, the significant point in our son’s life will be when he turns 7 or 8 and decides to either receive First Communion or be baptized into the Protestant church (since they don’t recognize infant baptism).

It is clear that you do not really understand your own Catholic faith or why this is not possible. Your son is a Catholic. You and your husband made that decision on his behalf the day he was baptized. He can never be anything BUT Catholic. You have bound him to the Catholic Church in an irrevocable way. There can be no “choosing” to receive FHC or “choosing” to be baptized in a protestant ecclesial community. He is already baptized. It cannot be repeated.

I really urge you to talk to your priest. You are operating under some serious misconceptions regarding the Catholic faith and your obligation as a Catholic.