That’s me, and that’s my husband. The only intimacy between us is sexual, and that is not too frequent as he has been out of the country half of the time this year. Sure, we talk briefly about what the kids are doing, and we talk A LOT about his business, or, rather, he talks and I listen, but as for sharing any other parts of ourselves, no. And I don’t feel loved because that part of our relationship has withered, if it ever really existed. (We’ve been married 22 years and had kids for 20 of those 22 years. Before kids, there was a lot more sex so I’m not sure if he was being intimate or just that his sexual needs were met so he felt more happy. KWIM?)
I suspect the intimacy was never there, because he seems to have no clue as to what I mean when I tell him I want more intimacy OTHER than sex.
Interesting. Only because it kind of hits on what I’ve been trying to explain. Our relationship had always been a lot of communication and talking and praying; we were pretty much always on the same sheet of music. Overall intimacy was not a problem in areas other than sex, and the sex was wonderful, too. When we were having problems with our son, even our oldest daughter asked at the time, “What happened to us?” My answer was, “We had teenagers”. My wife and I never disagreed on much of anything until then. We were raised differently. But teenagers, especially my son, tore us apart a great deal. Fast forward, it pretty much got to where I’d do my best to be quiet and keep the peace as much as possible; no always possible when I had to be the hard one. I already had given up a career, felt I gave up my better judgment raising kids, felt I didn’t matter so just not talking became the better alternative. My wife at one point said she didn’t want to grow old with a bitter person. Why bother talking then? Losing sexual intimacy on top of all of that pretty much capped it off.
This guy understands/understood what intimacy was because we communicated so much. I miss it, too. But we still look at things differently, don’t look forward to the same things when we get older, view getting older differently, obviously look at the church and sex differently, and I know we will just settle down and do whatever my wife wants because I’d hate myself for having her unhappy somewhere (not that I ever anticipate being able to retire).
We pretty much talk about work, “how was the day” and the kids, like you do. I miss the intimacy and communication. And before someone says to work on it or “give and you will receive”, tell me how that works if there is no possibility of things changing? Why bother? I can only pretend so much. So I pretty much just go day to day, go to work, bring home the paycheck, do what I need to do around the house and with the kids because I am supposed to as a husband and father. I could not tell you the last time I had an intense feeling of love in my heart for my wife, or kids, or anyone; they say they love me, and I don’t know why. They show me, I just don’t feel it nor do I feel i deserve it.
I focus on the lack of sex so much because it was the last straw - the last connection I had with my wife, the only person I can/could turn to for comfort, was pretty much taken away when other things were already failing. More communication is not going to fix that either ,because the church says we cannot.
Someone posted that my posts are screaming issues other than sex. I know that. But it is all completely wrapped up into one ball. How do you fix one without the other? Maybe that is not the same for others posting here, but it is reality for me.
It is reality for TheRealJuliane, but in a different way, I guess. But I can feel her hurt as well… .
, he is a good man and provider, he is in a happy mood afterwards (so yes, KWYM), and the most important reason, I want to get him and myself to heaven.