Cohabitating?

[ChristinaM]

I have to say though my thoughts are that if you want to live together, know that you want to be married…what the heck are you waiting for?

AMEN!

I see that money is tight for you guys, but a Catholic wedding doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. I admire your strength of will, but I can’t imagine not being tempted in a cohabiting situation. It’s probably because of my own weakness, but for me, living with my DH before we were married would have been like dancing on the edge of a cliff and hoping not to fall off. Just not a situation I’d want to be in. Remember in the Act of Contrition we promise to “avoid whatever leads me to sin.” I don’t know how cohabitation would NOT be tempting for two young, healthy people deeply in love with each other. I believe that is the reason why the Church forbids it. No matter how strong you might think you are, we are all fallen human beings.

OP, I have read through the thread and I can tell you want to do the right thing. I’m getting the impression, though, that you’re upset because the answer you’re being given, isn’t the one you want to hear. I’m sorry that you’ve interpreted some of the posts as uncharitable. I hope you will come back and keep discussing this with us.

 

[queen_anne78]

Either get married now and then move in together, or don’t move in together.

3 reasons:

1)Your soul
2) His soul
3) the souls of others.

Cohabiting is scandalous. You guys may have the strength to stay chaste, but it’s not worth risking. Other people will assume you are sleeping together, and if they know you guys are Catholics…well what sort of example are you setting? Living together is a privilege that belongs to those who are married I know financially it’s frustrating for you both to be living in the same area and paying separate rents/mortages…but it’s not worth your soul kwim?

 

[Matt33]

Then I cannot continue in this conversation with you and bid you adieu. I do not believe that questioning something like this when it is not our intent to enter into any kind of sin is evidence of impurity. If our hearts were impure we would not seek the counsel of those in our respective denominations and would just go along with it. I cannot be a part of a site where members who seek counsel and understanding are instead judged and told that it is a sin simply to ask. Good day. You will not see me around again.

But you see you did not come here looking for answers, you say that you seek understanding and counsel but every time someone offers you strong moral advice you discount and counter with “opinions” of yours that are bases solely in your selfish wants, not based in theology, morality or even logic. Personally I would doubt that you are celibate… just because the selfish attitude displayed and the misunderstandings you have of marriage and the excuses and thought processes displayed are the exact ones that people who have premarital sex use. I Pray that you find the maturity and wisdom that you seek. I also hope you come back to this site.

Remember that those who advised you did so with the moral backing of the Church, with reguard to Holiness and your soul, that is where this point of view comes from. Your point of view only comes from desires and wants. To move in for finances, material goods and convienience. Gee I wonder who is really honestly looking at this. You or us?
You seem to have this "It can’t happen to me view. Everyone has that view, yet it happens a lot!

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi EB;

I have an entirely different take on it…I wouldn’t live together, for a number of reasons, one of them definitely being tempted to sin. (have sex) I’m not so much of the scandal mindset, myself…I believe people should mind their own business.

In addition to getting close to the flame of sin by living together–I think that a woman loses something when she agrees to live with a guy before marriage. I just think it cheapens marriage, personally. I think two people also become comfortable in paying bills together, and pretty soon, 1 year turns into 5 years, and still no ring, no proposal. I saw it happen with my nephew and his wife, soon to be ex wife. They lived together for a loooong time…just coasting, and paying bills together. I think she got tired of waiting, and started pressuring him…he finally asked. I don’t think it’s a good way to lead up to marriage. Not saying it can NEVER work out, I know there are cases that work out. But, OFTEN times, when couples live together, a woman who is finally proposed to, finds herself wondering if her fiance asked her to marry her for her, or because it is convenient. Definitely things I have heard from friends of mine who wished they had waited to marry, before living together.

If you didn’t have a boyfriend, you’d have to figure out a way to pay your bills, and he would, too. I would get a roommate before I would go this route.

This is just my two cents. I imagine you don’t feel completely comfortable with living together with your bf, otherwise you wouldn’t have posted the question. On some level, you don’t feel good about it.

Good luck in whatever you do. *

 

[withwind]

I am glad that you posted the question. It shows that you have some concerns and there is something wrong about it.

Even if you are not doing anything wrong…putting yourself in a situation of being tempted can be really dangerous…I am sure the devil will work very hard to make you two fall into flesh temptation…no matter how much your faith his.

Another thing…cohabitating causing scandal and giving bad example to others; God will ask us for that at the Judgement Day.

Very importantly … I was talking to my pastor and he said many young couples make this mistake…and here is the question he asked them “What would you feel if someday you have a daughter and your daughter move into living with a guy?”.

What would you say if your daugther/son will do the same thing? Do you have a good example or good reason to say that s/he should share house with boyfriend/girlfriend.

No matter how much you think you will save by living together…trust in God that He will take care of you two … Do things that glorify Him…

I understand it is not easy to do…but praying will help you through.

God bless.

 

[AdriannaJean]

See, I guess I would not find it scandalous if a priest lived with the woman because I am one who always gives the benefit of the doubt.

But that’s exactly the point about the sin of scandal. It’s not about what you think or what other people should think it’s about what other people DO think. Catholics already have a pretty bad name in the world, the last thing we need is a reputation for not practicing what we preach. And even though you wouldn’t be doing anything, it’s about both your reputation and also the reputation you give the Church.

And what is wrong with “feelings?” Love is a feeling given to us by God,

Love is NOT a feeling. Make sure you both get that our of your heads before you even THINK of walking down the aisle. Do you think that Jesus “felt” like dying on the cross for us? Highly doubt it. In fact, we know He didn’t want to because of the prayers He said in Gethsemane. But He did it out of love. That proves that love is not a feeling.

Love is unselfishly choosing the highest good for the other person.

In this situation, even though the finances would be easier living together, neither of you want a shadow cast over your relationship, especially a shadow regarding your reputations.

Don’t do ANYTHING on the basis of “we’re sure we’re going to get married.” I’ve made a lot of mistakes based on that line of thinking. You’re not married until you’re married. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. You never have any clue what’s going to happen in a relationship. I know you’re thinking “Oh, but I do know…” Stop that right now! You don’t know, so don’t risk anything until you have a marriage certificate.

 

[AdriannaJean]

Secondly, lets go out on a limb here and say that some irrevocable difference comes up and you two break up. Would you feel comfortable dating someone who had lived with an ex-girlfriend, even if they didn’t have sex? Why would you put either of you in that situation, potentially. That’s not choosing the highest good for each-other.

 

[EeyoresButerfly]

I’m not going to read through all the responses.

I posted this on a non religious website as well to get a variety of perspectives. I would like to say that this was never a “done deal”. This was an idea we were kicking aroudn and wanting to look at all sides before rushing into a decision one way or another. after considering all of the issues: financial, psychological, practical, religious we have decided against it. It would be a strictly roommate arrangement and we’re not sure that’s the best thing for a developing relationship. While neither of us would give into temptation, we do not wish to give the appearance that we are or be at odds with our respective churches. So thank you for your help. There is no need to continue this discussion further.

 

[agapewolf]

I’m not going to read through all the responses.

I posted this on a non religious website as well to get a variety of perspectives. I would like to say that this was never a “done deal”. This was an idea we were kicking aroudn and wanting to look at all sides before rushing into a decision one way or another. after considering all of the issues: financial, psychological, practical, religious we have decided against it. It would be a strictly roommate arrangement and we’re not sure that’s the best thing for a developing relationship. While neither of us would give into temptation, we do not wish to give the appearance that we are or be at odds with our respective churches. So thank you for your help. There is no need to continue this discussion further.

eyores, the discussion may help others too.

I think you should read through all the responses…there is a lot of good insight.

I’m glad you decided against it, but I don’t know why you sought counsel from a secular website. Secular folks, in general, don’t have the final goal in mind.

 

[EeyoresButerfly]

eyores, the discussion may help others too.

I think you should read through all the responses…there is a lot of good insight.

I’m glad you decided against it, but I don’t know why you sought counsel from a secular website. Secular folks, in general, don’t have the final goal in mind.

Because I wanted to look at all sides of the issue, not just the religious and felt like at the time I was only getting one kind of response. I also felt like there people were able to express their opinion without being so judgmental or forming erroneous conclusions about who we are or our relationship.

 

[agapewolf]

Because I wanted to look at all sides of the issue, not just the religious and felt like at the time I was only getting one kind of response. I also felt like there people were able to express their opinion without being so judgmental or forming erroneous conclusions about who we are or our relationship.

But don’t you see, the fullness in truth is found in the Catholic church. You aren’t going to find the fullness any where else. any other perspective that is opposite or not in line with the morality of the church’s teachings is not of God. Thats not “another perspective”. Thats not helpful. This is where Satan enters in…because he’s “another perspective.”

No one judged you here. No one said you were going to hell. People commented on the things that you said, as you said them. You didn’t want to hear that you were contemplating a really really bad decision.

People simply stated church teaching and the why’s behind it.

 

[withwind]

Because I wanted to look at all sides of the issue, not just the religious and felt like at the time I was only getting one kind of response. I also felt like there people were able to express their opinion without being so judgmental or forming erroneous conclusions about who we are or our relationship.

I see that you are Catholic, did you pray about it and/or discuss with your pastor and see what his advices are?

 

[EeyoresButerfly]

Look, I really don’t want to debate this anymore. I’m sorry I ever started this stupid thread. Can we please just drop it?

 

[EeyoresButerfly]

I see that you are Catholic, did you pray about it and/or discuss with your pastor and see what his advices are?

I had been praying about it but still was not sure, the priest was the next step.

 

[withwind]

Look, I really don’t want to debate this anymore. I’m sorry I ever started this stupid thread. Can we please just drop it?

I am sorry, but you have no obligation to respond to any of the posters’ comments.
It is not a stupid thread…it is a very wise and important one. While you may find it unuseful, many readers might be benefit from it.

 

[withwind]

I had been praying about it but still was not sure, the priest was the next step.

I hope you don’t mind me responding … but I think it is important that you pray about it…I keep you in my prayer that you may discuss with a priest or someone whom you can really trust or at least do not gossip or spread rumor about it.

I understand your situation…but I wouldn’t go into details why…unless you want to know.

 

[EeyoresButerfly]

I hope you don’t mind me responding … but I think it is important that you pray about it…I keep you in my prayer that you may discuss with a priest or someone whom you can really trust or at least do not gossip or spread rumor about it.

I understand your situation…but I wouldn’t go into details why…unless you want to know.

At this point we decided against it so I don’t understand why I would go to a priest.

I apologize for overreacting last night. It’s been awhile since I posted on a religious site and mistook some of the advice as being incredibly judgmental, especially comments that just the fact that I asked the question meant that my heart was impure. When I went through RCIA, I was told that the state of somebody’s heart/soul is directly between them and God and that it is not for us to decide. Looking at other threads around here, that just seems to be the style of this site and I was not aware of that. Didn’t mean to take things the wrong way.

 

[withwind]

At this point we decided against it so I don’t understand why I would go to a priest.

I apologize for overreacting last night. It’s been awhile since I posted on a religious site and mistook some of the advice as being incredibly judgmental, especially comments that just the fact that I asked the question meant that my heart was impure. When I went through RCIA, I was told that the state of somebody’s heart/soul is directly between them and God and that it is not for us to decide. Looking at other threads around here, that just seems to be the style of this site and I was not aware of that. Didn’t mean to take things the wrong way.

That’s ok. It is good that you both are against that decision, and I am sure that is a sacrifice to make but it is a very good one. Yes, it is true about stage of one’s sould is between him/her and God. We shall not judge people but we can judge a decision whether it is bad or good. I don’t read the whole thread here…but I think that majority of people on this forum is here to help and seek help. Sometimes, true can be hard to understand and to accept and we can take it the wrong way.

 

[Matt33]

At this point we decided against it so I don’t understand why I would go to a priest.

I apologize for overreacting last night. It’s been awhile since I posted on a religious site and mistook some of the advice as being incredibly judgmental, especially comments that just the fact that I asked the question meant that my heart was impure. When I went through RCIA, I was told that the state of somebody’s heart/soul is directly between them and God and that it is not for us to decide. Looking at other threads around here, that just seems to be the style of this site and I was not aware of that. Didn’t mean to take things the wrong way.

I didn’t really see a judgemental attitude on this thread. Just a debate about a moral subject. Just because someone on a Catholic website backs church teaching on right and wrong does not make it judgemental. It might not be what you want to hear but if as you say you truely want to look at all sides of an issue you need to be able to hear it.
Many things about the church people struggle with. But obedience to god’s Church, even when you don’t agree or understand is indicative of ones Chraracter. and Character is the window t the soul.

 

[Jea9]

EeyoresButerfly, whatever you say the reason is for making this good decision, I think it’s the Holy Spirit working through whatever means you reached your decision. I will pose again the question…if this is the man that you see being married to, what is stopping the two of you from becoming engaged at this point and prepping?