Cohabitation-marital dilemma, and child-advice

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wahwah

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Hello all
I’ve already posted on this before, and it was helpful hearing others’ responses. By posting again, I hope I am not “answer shopping” for the response I want to hear. It’s really to aid in my discernment and try to untangle the truth from a web of complexity.I am adding more background and info, so it is essentially a new post

I was seprated for a year, heading into divorce with my previous wife. I was a Catholic convert, and went through the RCIA program while co-habitating with her. Taking some bad advice from a priest, I married her (I did not want to, but thought “it was the right thing to do” I want to avoid doing what I think is “the right thing to do” again)–in any case, the marriage was an utter failure. I brought with it my immaturity, vanity, pride, childishness,and lust, which all contributed to me becoming a porn addict an unfaithful to her. It was a relief to both of us when it ended. She found out about my porn and unfaithfulness which deeply hurt her, and it is only in the last six months that we have been speaking again and friendly. I am grateful for her friendship-(there is no question of us getting together again and we are moving towards annulment at a future date-we have looked into it and have many grounds for it).
After we separated I met another women online. Blinded by lust, warned by my Catholic friends and AA sponsor, I went into it, driven by rebellion. Even Mary appeared to me in a dream strongly admonishing me not to date her! It was very vivid. My earthly mother (lapsed Catholic) told me it was just a dream and to go ahead and date her-wrong!
Alas, we did.
And she got pregnant.
Thinking “it was the right thing to do” and still infatutated with her, I moved in with her, we then bought a house, and waited for the child’s birth.
He has been the greatest gift God has ever blessed me with, a beautiful, loving baby. He is now two.
The problem is-I don’t want to marry his mom. It’s that simple. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel uncomfortable and irritated with her, but mask it. We have very little in common-she is Catholic born, but no interest in going to Mass or anything. I do not feel comfortable talking with her about religious matters. I have completely lost interest in her sexually and refuse to sleep with her, though she wants another child. I also have regrets about meeting her and not allowing time to heal from previous divorce. I find myself resenting her.
She is from another country, has a very good well-paying job here, but neither of us have family support here. I have a decent job, but have accumulated lots of debt in the last two years.
I want to move out, but a number of factors prevent this:
A) the child. I want to see him everyday, he loves me. I love him.
B) I feel bad rejecting his mother and leaving her with no family around her
C) worry about the child’s future. I would like to have the main custody, but I know that is unlikely to happen.
D) I still have sexual addictive problems. With God’s help, I have avoided the occasion of sin by leaving my aptop at work and removing browser from my smartphone, but I do worry I might fall into addictive behaviour again, particulary if I am alone in an apartment.
E) I feel like I’m “damned if I do, damned if I don’t”

I have received conflicting advice from priests. One priest told me it is grounds for annulment just to marry for the sake of a child. Another told me the child needs both parents.

It is very difficult discerning what to do. I have fears about my choices.
I actually do not think I have the vocation for marriage, at least not now. I am 40. If I marry again I want to be with a woman who is passionate about her Catholic faith.
My father was a philanderer and a critical unhappy husband. All my male siblings have failed marriages.

Any experience, strength and hope out there?
 
I’m not going to comment on whether or not you should marry this woman, but the priest who told you that a child needs both parents present and active in his life is correct. Frankly, once you chose to have sex you chose to give up your wants and needs. Your life is no longer about you, your baggage, your interest or lack thereof in the woman you impregnated, or whether or not you wish to be married. It is about making the best choice for your son. You cannot ask him to bear any more of YOUR burdens. You have already placed many on his tiny shoulders. And children do break.

If you choose to abandon the relationship with his mother, what will probably happen is that she will at some point marry another man. That man will be the father-figure in your son’s primary home and your son will “visit” you every oter weekend and Tuesday nights. This woman will send out Christmas cards with your son and his new step-dad as though they are a family. You do not feel called to marriage at all, you say? When your ex-girlfriend has more kids with her new husband, and makes a home and a household, where do you believe your son will want to live? Alternatively, leaving this girlfriend open to date other men runs the risk of her marrying someone who is abusive, mean, cold, selfish, etc. And that man would be living in yor son’s primary home. Another thing that could happen is that your girlfriend’s marriage could come with a move that would separate you physically from frequent contact with your son. Once you are “out” - your ex could have men sleeping over at the house and pretty much do anything she wants without your say. Only you can decide if those risks are worth it, and how badly you wish to walk away.

Me? I’d pretty much be willing to do anything to make sure my kids had an intact home and that they would not have to pay for my sins and faults with their happiness and security. Being a poor spouse is a choice, and I would simply choose not to be one. I would do anything to avoid my kids living with another adult that I get no say in choosing. But that is just me 🤷
 
Get an annulment

Try harder to work things out with current girlfriend

Be the kind of person that will get her excited about her faith again

Choose to love her

Continue to abstain of course ( for now)

And ultimately marry her for the sake of all parties.

It troubles me that you think God has a special wife waiting for you and you just need to muster the courage up to abandon your son so you can get out and find what’s waiting for you.

You mentioned your fathers tendencies to be critical and unhappy. You sound very critical and unhappy too. Changing roommates is not the solution here. I think you already know the change required is within you.
Your son is worth it.
Code: 
 "Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, even more will be required."
Lk12:48
 
I think you need to have possjbly several conversations with a good and knowledgeable Catholic who can counsel you and teach you enough about the vocation ofarriage that you will be able to make a good decision. I don’t think you have enough information right now, and you also need someone who can ask you the right questions, etc., ie, someone in real life, not on the internet.
 
You need to take steps to get your head on straight. Counciling and a lot of it. No more sex with anybody. You create soul ties through sexual intercourse which is why the church teaches us that sex is reserved for marriage. Where I will disagree with some other posters is that you should not at this junction marry your child’s mother. Why? The thing that breaks a child faster than not having both parents is having parents married to each other and being hateful/resentful towards each other and the children. Children are natural receptors and they will see it and feel it and it will have a very real effect on them for the rest of their lives. In the interim you need to be a father. A GOOD father the type of father you wish you had. Do ALL you can to separate your past mistakes confusion and misgiving from this child, he didn’t ask to be here.

In a perfect world, you and the child’s mother will be able to make things work and get married but you are not fit to marry anyone in the state you are in and she may not being either. You need to take some time and consider what you want and need not just out of a relationship but out of life. IF you are the type of person to feel empty and unfulfilled no matter what you need to find out what that void is. Is it your relationship with your father perhaps you are insecure about your education or something you didn’t do or didn’t accomplish whatever it is it needs to be fixed FIRST. Children and future spouses whether it is this woman or not do not deserve to go for a ride on your farris wheel of indecision and brokenness.
 
Thanks everyone. Some solid suggestions here.
I like the one about making the faith more attractive by living it out.
I think I need to avoid the “all or nothing” thinking I am accustomed to-ie; that if I am not sleeping with her, then I must leave.
I also have to overcome this negative thinking I have; ie; “It’ll never work out”.
I don’t know what God has in store for us. With prayer, anything is possible.
I appreciate looking at the issue through others’ eyes-thank you.
 
It seems many are suffering in the wake of your sinfulness. You need to quit being so self-centred and selfish!
 
You commented that your father was a philanderer. How would you describe yourself? You are married in the eyes of the Church, yet you are living with another woman. And in fact, have a child with this other woman. And your solution seems to be to leave this woman for yet another woman. :eek:

Maybe you could think about this comment I heard on TV last night.
Instead of looking for the perfect mate. Trying becoming the perfect mate.
Click to expand...
 
Please protect your son by not leaving him. The highest risk of child abuse comes from the mother’s boyfriend(s). It is a real risk - we hear stories all the time about the boyfriend beating, abusing, even killing the baby when the mother was not there.

Pray, and seek counseling. If you love your son, you can learn to love his mother.
 
wahwah said:
I hope I am not “answer shopping” for the response I want to hear.

I was seprated for a year, heading into divorce with my previous wife. …while co-habitating with her. … the marriage was an utter failure. …about my porn and unfaithfulness which deeply hurt her, … I met another women online. … she got pregnant… I moved in with her, we then bought a house, and waited for the child’s birth… , a beautiful, loving baby. He is now two.
…I don’t want to marry his mom. …she wants another child. … I find myself resenting her.

I want to move out,
A) the child. I want to see him everyday, he loves me. I love him.
B) I feel bad rejecting his mother and leaving her with no family around her
C) worry about the child’s future. I would like to have the main custody, but I know that is unlikely to happen.
D) I still have sexual addictive problems. …I might fall into addictive behaviour again, particulary if I am alone in an apartment.
E) I feel like I’m “damned if I do, damned if I don’t”

I have received conflicting advice from priests. One priest told me it is grounds for annulment just to marry for the sake of a child. Another told me the child needs both parents.

My father was a philanderer and a critical unhappy husband. All my male siblings have failed marriages.

Any experience, strength and hope out there?
Click to expand...
I have received conflicting advice from priests. One priest told me it is grounds for annulment just to marry for the sake of a child. Another told me the child needs both parents.
Click to expand...
Where is the conflicting advice from the two priests? From what you wrote: One priest told you about Apples. The other priest told you about Oranges.

Have you told this lady how much you do not like her and do not want to be with her?

Are you living with her to keep yourself free from pornography?
 
AA, Huh?

How long have you been sober?

I ask because I have been a sober member in good standing for 21 yrs. and counting. What I have read in your post is a great example of being selfish and self-centered. The only thing that would have made it better is if I had written it myself.

You did not ‘date’. You had sex. You had sex outside of marriage. You were a baptized and confirmed Catholic and you chose to go against Church teaching and now you have a child.

Oh gee…she wants more children? Tough. She is not married. Either are you. Stop having children outside of marriage.

You don’t like her much? tough toenails, buster. You made a child. Now stand up and be a father.

Go to confession. Get back into Church. Start taking your son to Mass so he can learn that REAL men go to Mass, pray the Rosary every day, stay sober and don’t look at picturess of someone’s daughter or mother in the act of sexual intercourse or being beaten or raped over and over again for entertainment.

Get back into the Steps and start living by them instead of just whining about what you want…look at the 11th step and ask yourself if you are living the 11th Step prayer.

I apologize if I sound angry or harsh but I have HAD IT UP TO HERE with MIDDLE AGED MEN acting like they are fricking 18 years old…and finding MIDDLE AGED WOMEN to do it with them. What a bunch of babies we have become …jeeeesh.:mad:

She says with a big frown on her face.
 
wahwah said:
Hello all
I’ve already posted on this before, and it was helpful hearing others’ responses. By posting again, I hope I am not “answer shopping” for the response I want to hear. It’s really to aid in my discernment and try to untangle the truth from a web of complexity.I am adding more background and info, so it is essentially a new post

I was seprated for a year, heading into divorce with my previous wife. I was a Catholic convert, and went through the RCIA program while co-habitating with her. Taking some bad advice from a priest, I married her (I did not want to, but thought “it was the right thing to do” I want to avoid doing what I think is “the right thing to do” again)–in any case, the marriage was an utter failure. I brought with it my immaturity, vanity, pride, childishness,and lust, which all contributed to me becoming a porn addict an unfaithful to her. It was a relief to both of us when it ended. She found out about my porn and unfaithfulness which deeply hurt her, and it is only in the last six months that we have been speaking again and friendly. I am grateful for her friendship-(there is no question of us getting together again and we are moving towards annulment at a future date-we have looked into it and have many grounds for it).
After we separated I met another women online. Blinded by lust, warned by my Catholic friends and AA sponsor, I went into it, driven by rebellion. Even Mary appeared to me in a dream strongly admonishing me not to date her! It was very vivid. My earthly mother (lapsed Catholic) told me it was just a dream and to go ahead and date her-wrong!
Alas, we did.
And she got pregnant.
Thinking “it was the right thing to do” and still infatutated with her, I moved in with her, we then bought a house, and waited for the child’s birth.
He has been the greatest gift God has ever blessed me with, a beautiful, loving baby. He is now two.
The problem is-I don’t want to marry his mom. It’s that simple. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel uncomfortable and irritated with her, but mask it. We have very little in common-she is Catholic born, but no interest in going to Mass or anything. I do not feel comfortable talking with her about religious matters. I have completely lost interest in her sexually and refuse to sleep with her, though she wants another child. I also have regrets about meeting her and not allowing time to heal from previous divorce. I find myself resenting her.
She is from another country, has a very good well-paying job here, but neither of us have family support here. I have a decent job, but have accumulated lots of debt in the last two years.
I want to move out, but a number of factors prevent this:
A) the child. I want to see him everyday, he loves me. I love him.
B) I feel bad rejecting his mother and leaving her with no family around her
C) worry about the child’s future. I would like to have the main custody, but I know that is unlikely to happen.
D) I still have sexual addictive problems. With God’s help, I have avoided the occasion of sin by leaving my aptop at work and removing browser from my smartphone, but I do worry I might fall into addictive behaviour again, particulary if I am alone in an apartment.
E) I feel like I’m “damned if I do, damned if I don’t”

I have received conflicting advice from priests. One priest told me it is grounds for annulment just to marry for the sake of a child. Another told me the child needs both parents.

It is very difficult discerning what to do. I have fears about my choices.
I actually do not think I have the vocation for marriage, at least not now. I am 40. If I marry again I want to be with a woman who is passionate about her Catholic faith.
My father was a philanderer and a critical unhappy husband. All my male siblings have failed marriages.

Any experience, strength and hope out there?
Click to expand...
Marry the woman and get passionate about YOUR Catholic faith.
 
KrazyKat said:
Marry the woman and get passionate about YOUR Catholic faith.
Click to expand...
He should not be marrying anyone unless it is clear they are both up to the demands required of a marriage. He should not necessarily move out though, although having said that obviously sex is off the table completely.
 
LSK said:
AA, Huh?

How long have you been sober?

I ask because I have been a sober member in good standing for 21 yrs. and counting. What I have read in your post is a great example of being selfish and self-centered. The only thing that would have made it better is if I had written it myself.

You did not ‘date’. You had sex. You had sex outside of marriage. You were a baptized and confirmed Catholic and you chose to go against Church teaching and now you have a child.

Oh gee…she wants more children? Tough. She is not married. Either are you. Stop having children outside of marriage.

You don’t like her much? tough toenails, buster. You made a child. Now stand up and be a father.

Go to confession. Get back into Church. Start taking your son to Mass so he can learn that REAL men go to Mass, pray the Rosary every day, stay sober and don’t look at picturess of someone’s daughter or mother in the act of sexual intercourse or being beaten or raped over and over again for entertainment.

Get back into the Steps and start living by them instead of just whining about what you want…look at the 11th step and ask yourself if you are living the 11th Step prayer.

I apologize if I sound angry or harsh but I have HAD IT UP TO HERE with MIDDLE AGED MEN acting like they are fricking 18 years old…and finding MIDDLE AGED WOMEN to do it with them. What a bunch of babies we have become …jeeeesh.:mad:

She says with a big frown on her face.
Click to expand...
Thanks LSK
I’ve been sober 13 years.
I appreciate your frankness!!!
I have been a spoiled brat, I know!
I go to confession, do rosary and divine mercy regularly, take my son to Mass with me usually.
Anyways I appreciate all the sentiments out there to essentially MAN UP
Love her as Christ loves the Church.
And the best way I can love my son is by loving his mom.
I will continue to intensely pray for her and hopefully move towards marriage.
 
wahwah said:
And the best way I can love my son is by loving his mom.
I will continue to intensely pray for her and hopefully move towards marriage.
Click to expand...
Never marry someone you do not truly love, even if you have a child together. The Church does not want people to marry because of having a child together. (And of course - no sexual relations with anyone you are not married to.)

God bless you and Happy Father’s Day.
 
RoseMary131 said:
Never marry someone you do not truly love, even if you have a child together. The Church does not want people to marry because of having a child together. (And of course - no sexual relations with anyone you are not married to.)

God bless you and Happy Father’s Day.
Click to expand...
Yes, exactly!
 
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

I hope you celebrate this day with great joy! Thank our heavenly Father for the gift of your son and for allowing you to participate in the awesomeness of his Creation. Reflect on all the “good” you have in your life:
  • Your faith – and your current desire to respond to the tuggings of the Holy Spirit to do what is righteous
  • A fascinatingly-beautiful little boy, created with profound dignity and holiness, in God’s image, with so much to offer to our Lord’s Kingdom in his lifetime
  • An opportunity to help this special young soul to know, love and serve God and others in his pilgrimage to Heaven
  • A friend, his mother, with whom you have shared love and intimacy, friendship, various life adventures, and now, the super adventure of parenting
  • The love in your heart, and the graces and specialness God has given to you to be shared with your family and others
  • And the many other good things bestowed upon you, which sustains, enriches and blesses you
I encourage you to pray fervently and constantly, every day, on what God’s will might be for you, whether your girlfriend goes along or not.

As for your current living situation, I strongly advise you talk with your girlfriend about your decision to be more committed to your faith, and what it means to you (which includes not having sex outside of marriage). She might leave you you for that, I don’t know. If both of you are willing, maybe the two of you will seriously “date” to help the process of “growing in maturity” and to discern if the two of you can be compatible as husband and wife. It will take work, and I don’t think the two of you should do it alone. But most importantly, be “good” by being strong in faith, love and hope. You can do this! Christ has commanded us to love one another (even when we think we don’t like someone else much, we’ve gotta love them). You can love your gf fervently as your sister in Christ and as the mother of your child. Remember the goodness you saw in her before you and she were intimate. Focus on her goodness, and accept that she, like each of us, is weak and imperfect. Respect and celebrate every good thing about her, about yourself, and about that little boy of yours.

And thank you for loving your son!
 
RoseMary131 said:
Never marry someone you do not truly love, even if you have a child together. The Church does not want people to marry because of having a child together. (And of course - no sexual relations with anyone you are not married to.)

God bless you and Happy Father’s Day.
Click to expand...
On the other hand, many couples have been brought together by a child. This man thought enough of this woman to become intimate with her and they created a child. Love is more than a romantic feeling, it is a choice.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
On the other hand, many couples have been brought together by a child. This man thought enough of this woman to become intimate with her and they created a child. Love is more than a romantic feeling, it is a choice.
Click to expand...
No one is saying that he should never marry this woman, just that he should not do so solely because they had a child together. Marriage is hard enough when entered into by two people who truly want to make a lifetime commitment to each other because of who each person is. If he neither loves nor respects this woman and/or is not emotionally ready for a marriage then it really would be bad for him to try and get married. If, because of their child, these two can grow together such that they can honestly make their marriage vows to each other then that would of course be the best case scenario. But just because they had a child that doesn’t mean that they should get married.
 
quiet52 said:
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

I hope you celebrate this day with great joy! Thank our heavenly Father for the gift of your son and for allowing you to participate in the awesomeness of his Creation. Reflect on all the “good” you have in your life:
  • Your faith – and your current desire to respond to the tuggings of the Holy Spirit to do what is righteous
  • A fascinatingly-beautiful little boy, created with profound dignity and holiness, in God’s image, with so much to offer to our Lord’s Kingdom in his lifetime
  • An opportunity to help this special young soul to know, love and serve God and others in his pilgrimage to Heaven
  • A friend, his mother, with whom you have shared love and intimacy, friendship, various life adventures, and now, the super adventure of parenting
  • The love in your heart, and the graces and specialness God has given to you to be shared with your family and others
  • And the many other good things bestowed upon you, which sustains, enriches and blesses you
I encourage you to pray fervently and constantly, every day, on what God’s will might be for you, whether your girlfriend goes along or not.

As for your current living situation, I strongly advise you talk with your girlfriend about your decision to be more committed to your faith, and what it means to you (which includes not having sex outside of marriage). She might leave you you for that, I don’t know. If both of you are willing, maybe the two of you will seriously “date” to help the process of “growing in maturity” and to discern if the two of you can be compatible as husband and wife. It will take work, and I don’t think the two of you should do it alone. But most importantly, be “good” by being strong in faith, love and hope. You can do this! Christ has commanded us to love one another (even when we think we don’t like someone else much, we’ve gotta love them). You can love your gf fervently as your sister in Christ and as the mother of your child. Remember the goodness you saw in her before you and she were intimate. Focus on her goodness, and accept that she, like each of us, is weak and imperfect. Respect and celebrate every good thing about her, about yourself, and about that little boy of yours.

And thank you for loving your son!
Click to expand...
This is such a beautiful and moving response. Very respectful of God’s providence.
Thank you, I have saved this response.
God bless.
 
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