Cohabitation: Okay In Exceptional Circumstance?

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Ukelala91 said:
My question is: can my boyfriend and i avoid scandal? Can we keep our situation quiet until our upcoming engagement and marriage? (Which will happen as soon as we’ve saved a little more) Is there any time when cohabitation, in a crazy circumstance like this, is okay?
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I’ll focus on one part of your question. Your ability to keep the situation quiet depends on a lot of factors. Throughout my extended family, it seems to get around that so and so is living with such and such (before marriage). Perhaps in another family it would be different. I’ve never seen it go around that the two people were abstaining. So, with circumstances like mine, quite a lot of people will find out, including younger people who might follow suit, thinking it is the norm in the family if they see it from enough people. But if you live out of town, relatives don’t visit, relatives don’t talk among themselves, etc., it could be different. Keep in mind that I am the last one to know in my family and I’m finding out this type of information, un-asked-for.

Your plan to talk to a priest/advisor about this is a sound one.
 
“The OP is in her mid 20’s Many people in their mid-20’s are mature. Not all are incapable of living with someone chastely.
The OP comes from an abusive background
The OP feels she has no other choice because she can’t return to her parent’s home (Desperation)
**She actually does not have any other choice, why is it so hard to believe that some people have no other options? **
The OP is overwhelmed with financial decisions that could likely be better handled
**That is very presumptuous of you. We know you love Dave Ramsey, but not everything can be applied to his techniques. **
The OP isn’t 100% comfortable with the situation **Where does she say this? **
The OP lives in a severe power imbalance.
**“Severe” is a very dramatic word to use when you do not really know the people involved. **
The OP is having trouble keeping her vow of chastity Were you ever in your 20’s and in love? Who hasn’t experienced this? At least this couple is remaining chaste, which is more than can be said for many people that are dating and do not live together”
 
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Irishmom2 said:
“The OP is in her mid 20’s Many people in their mid-20’s are mature. Not all are incapable of living with someone chastely.
The OP comes from an abusive background
The OP feels she has no other choice because she can’t return to her parent’s home (Desperation) **She actually does not have any other choice, why is it so hard to believe that some people have no other options? **
The OP is overwhelmed with financial decisions that could likely be better handled **That is very presumptuous of you. We know you love .dave ?Ramsey, but not everything can be applied to his techniques. **
The OP isn’t 100% comfortable with the situation **Where does she say this? **
The OP lives in a severe power imbalance. **“Severe” is a very dramatic word to use when you do not realky know the people involved. **
The OP is having trouble keeping her vow of chastity Were you ever in your 20’s and in love? Who hasn’t experienced this? At least this couple is remaining chaste, which is more than can be said for many people that are dating and do not live together”
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The OP has already admitted she struggles with this.

–So no one has ever been in her situation without a boyfriend to live off of?
–And Dave Ramsey? I’m a new poster since this board came about. I couldn’t get on the old one because of an email issue so I have no idea of what you’re speaking. I haven’t posted since something like 2004.
–If the OP was comfortable then she never would have asked

And yes, I was very much like the OP. I had to move away from home because I come from an area with no jobs. So I was on my own, in a studio apartment, balancing loans and $8 in the bank. I didn’t have a boyfriend to live off of.

Living in someone else’s home IS a severe power imbalance. It’s not a good situation.
 
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Ukelala91 said:
intend to talk it through with a priest/spiritual director, but in the meantime, I thought I’d ask my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for advice.
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Good. Because you will get a hodge podge of answers here and your pastor is the only one who has care of your soul and can advise you and your fiancé.

You are not cohabiting, in the sense that the Church means when it discusses sins against the 6th commandment. That involves sexual relations. You are roommates, in separate rooms.

This is not what is meant by scandal. This is not what is meant by cohabitation. However there are a lot of negatives to consider including whether or not you are rushing into things or seeing your relationship clearly due to the living arrangements.

Talk to your pastor, as he may have some local solutions such as people he knows who may be willing to take a single female into their home for a few months. But you are not committing a sin by living under the same roof as your fiancé.

There is the occasion of sin to deal with, and only you and he know whether this brings too much temptation to you both. this really is something to discuss with your pastor.
 
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Are you a licensed marital counselor? Are you a certified psychoanalyist? If not, I suggest your advice should 1. not be given in the first place; and 2. once given, should not take precedence over the advice of a 1. pastor, 2. counselor, or 3. psychoanalyist, which is whom the OP should be talking. . . .and no one else.
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The OP asked for the opinions of her brothers and sisters. This is my opinion. You don’t need to be a professional to read the endless volumes of material about cohabitation before marriage…even “sex free”. Combined with the fact that the OP’s “normal” radar is broken from abusive parents and that she’s admitted that the money makes a power imbalance…and that they are “waiting” to get engaged…it’s not a good situation.

It’s one that’s been played out over and over again on these boards. Sure, it might end up better for her, but thats not what stats say.
 
It bears noting that Xantippe and Xanthippe appear to be two different people.
 
  1. The only good opinion here is to “see your pastor”. 2. the statistics on cohabitation assume the couple is having sexual relations so they don’t apply here. 3. how do you know what has been played out over and over again on these boards if you haven’t been around since 2004?
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I haven’t posted. Last time I checked, the forums are able to be read by anyone.
 
Different person, sweetie. I didn’t realize there was another person with a similar name or else I wouldn’t have created this handle. I was riffing on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
 
Pardon my skepticism “sweetie”. 🤨
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While I don’t entirely agree with that poster, I’m not exactly in disagreement with them. But you’ve been educated now, so please respect that there is a difference.
 
Discourse doesn’t allow spaces. You have to use an underscore instead.
 
pianistclare said:
Discourse doesn’t allow spaces. You have to use an underscore instead.
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Huh? Doesn’t allow what kind of spaces? In names? I just chose Xanthippe because of a TV show. Perhaps a bad move. I can see if the mods can modify my name.
 
There is a LONG TIME poster named Xantippe, a Shakesperean name.

If you will observe other posters, no one has a space, only underscores.
For example, former poster Autumn Smoke is now Autumn_Smoke

Clare
 
pianistclare said:
There is a LONG TIME poster named Xantippe, a Shakesperean name.

If you will observe other posters, no one has a space, only underscores.
For example, former poster Autumn Smoke is now Autumn_Smoke

Clare
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Then let me see if I can get the mods to change my name to Xanthippe_Voorhees or something. Do you know if there is any way to do this?
 
Contact Admin

They’ll help you.

You don’t have to go that many characters. I suggest xanTHippeV
That is VERY apparent that it’s not the same person.
 
no offense but all that capitalization looks totally moronic. I put a thread in the forum help board.
 
No offense but that looks moronic.

Wow.
 
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1ke said:
You are roommates, in separate rooms.

This is not what is meant by scandal.
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This idea does not seem universally agreed upon around here. From Catholic Answers main site:

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Of course, apologists may be wrong. Also see this one:
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

Do you know somewhere helpful for clarification?
 
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Irishmom2 said:
No offense but that looks moronic.

Wow.
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Wow, what? Middle of word capitalization looks uneducated and completely ridiculous. Honestly, I’d of expected a better suggestion from you. I mean you’re not IrIshMoM2 or something.
 
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