Cohabitation: Okay In Exceptional Circumstance?

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Yeah.

You will have Catholic marriage prep, but if there was ever a time for going above and beyond that, this is the time.
 
The term “cohabitation” strongly implies sexual activity, as it means living as a husband and wife.

The situation you find yourself in falls outside of the church’s prohibition on cohabitation, as you are living chastely as roommates. It is not ideal, but in the extreme situation that you have found yourself, it is not sinful.

Your focus should be on improving your financial situation, and discerning marriage with your boyfriend. The risk of scandal is minimal; you can explain privately to anyone you trust that is concerned, and simply not discuss the situation to those who have no particular need to know.

Please, be at peace, and work towards building a more stable, holy life.
 
To be honest the most troubling thing about this situation is that it doesn’t sound like you have many options apart from marrying this person. There is a massive imbalance in this situation. One reason to avoid cohabiting is to allow yourself to discern marriage properly and freely.

Also, your situation is not that unusual. Most adults have to struggle to pay rent. Is it not possible for you to find a roommate close to your workplace to cut down on commuting costs?
 
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Power imbalance is the worst possible response here. It shows a lack of respect. That’s why I hate the word power. Anyway, some good suggestions have been made. Scandal occurs when cohabitation is celebrated openly or given an “almost married” label. BEFORE marriage occurs, respect must be shown and trust is earned by both parties. Marriage is a partnership, not a competition. Being open and honest is best. Love means caring and self-giving - freely. So many couples don’t talk about what they want from marriage. This can lead to disappointment after the ceremony. Both people should have things in common and enjoy each other’s company no matter what they do together.

Peace,
Ed
 
I think I’d reiterate that a secular counselor might not be a bad idea as well.
 
edwest21 said:
Power imbalance is the worst possible response here. It shows a lack of respect.
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Nah, the reason several people have mentioned it is that it is a real issue that the OP is not in a position to freely choose marriage to her boyfriend and is (because of circumstances) very much the junior partner in the relationship.
edwest21 said:
Marriage is a partnership, not a competition. Being open and honest is best. Love means caring and self-giving - freely. So many couples don’t talk about what they want from marriage.
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Also, because the OP is in such a dependent, precarious position, she is in a very poor position for talking to her boyfriend about what she needs in the relationship, and she’s poorly placed to create a partnership.
 
Xantippe said:
Also, because the OP is in such a dependent, precarious position, she is in a very poor position for talking to her boyfriend about what she needs in the relationship, and she’s poorly placed to create a partnership.
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In fairness, this is a major issue. This exact point was brought up to us in our pre-Cana. That couples who cohabit often do not feel free to discuss issues or problems in the relationship. It’s not a lack of respect at all…it’s simply the fact of the situation.
 
AdamPeter said:
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Xantippe:
Also, because the OP is in such a dependent, precarious position, she is in a very poor position for talking to her boyfriend about what she needs in the relationship, and she’s poorly placed to create a partnership.
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In fairness, this is a major issue. This exact point was brought up to us in our pre-Cana. That couples who cohabit often do not feel free to discuss issues or problems in the relationship. It’s not a lack of respect at all…it’s simply the fact of the situation.
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I, again, want to echo this sentiment.

If handled well, I see “scandal” as a minor issue. However, you have an abused young woman who is now entirely dependant on another person for her existence and is struggling with chastity within that. It’s not a good place to be in, period, even if right now there is respect.
 
Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
If handled well, I see “scandal” as a minor issue. However, you have an abused young woman who is now entirely dependant on another person for her existence and is struggling with chastity within that. It’s not a good place to be in, period, even if right now there is respect.
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Yeah.

Scandal here is primarily a question of surface appearances.
 
Scandal is scandal. Planning is good. Are there no friends or relatives available to help? Sometimes a grown adult has to move back in with mom or dad or another relative. That is what family is about. I have heard of a family on the brink of homelessness that was taken in by a trusted friend, and lives in his basement.
 
edwest21 said:
Scandal is scandal. Planning is good. Are there no friends or relatives available to help? Sometimes a grown adult has to move back in with mom or dad or another relative. That is what family is about. I have heard of a family on the brink of homelessness that was taken in by a trusted friend, and lives in his basement.
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Ed, in this case, scandal is a speck in the mirror in comparison to the real psychological (and statistically physical) danger that this young woman is in. She’s very young, just left an abusive family and now is entirely dependant on an unrelated man that she’s in love with (and struggling to maintain her values with) and feels she has no other outlet.

She cannot rely on her (abusive) family and doesn’t seem to have learned how to find resources which would enable her not to be in this situation. This does not bode well for her future. Scandal aside, the council should be for her to find a way to live independently before she goes any further in this relationship, for her own mental and spiritual health.
 
edwest21 said:
Perhaps she should contact a Catholic parish for advice.
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Yes, hopefully, they can direct her to the physical resources and the mental health counseling that is needed in this situation.
 
I can’t imagine a secular counselor having a problem with this. The dimension here is spiritual.
 
SuperLuigi said:
I can’t imagine a secular counselor having a problem with this. The dimension here is spiritual.
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Come again? A secular counselor is not going to have a problem with an abused young person in a clearly co-dependent relationship?

Yeah, I know a few who very much would.

This is not about cohabitation. There is SO much more going on here.
 
That’s misreading what I said.

This person needs spiritual direction from a qualified director in this matter, not an on-line debate.
 
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SuperLuigi said:
That’s misreading what I said.

This person needs spiritual direction in this matter, not an on-line debate.
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It’s completely nieve to think that all the OP needs is spiritual counseling. The ramifications of childhood abuse are deep and extremely detrimental if not dealt with. The OP is in a codependent, or at the very least she’s in a dependent relationship with a peer.

This isn’t a straightforward case of a young woman who is living with her boyfriend and not knowing better, and suddenly being enlightened as to the spiritual ramifications. There are some really heavy mental health concerns here…ones that a trained psychologist should deal with.

I suppose she could be lucky and find a priest who offers both the spiritual and psychological side, but that’s like one a million chance.
 
No, it isn’t and the original poster needs to start with a priest for the very reason you suggest about mental health issues—your not going to get the help you need on this site or on the internet.

All that happens in Family Life usually is people like talking about it. That’s not enough and sometimes not even appropriate.
 
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