Cohabitation or not?

[Allen537]

I would just like to get an idea where people stand. We all know that cohabitation is wrong, for example a boyfriend and girlfriend living together living as husband and wife if you will. But what would you say about a man and a woman who are not romantically involved, living together as “roommates”, i.e. sharing a rather large apartment. !n order to prevent too much background questioning, assume for the sake of the argument that the two are friends and there is no possibility of them getting together. I am only trying to find out what your view is on the principle of the argument. In other words, would you apply the word “cohabitation” as we use it in the church to the man and woman who are only friends?

 

[Sina]

I don’t think there is anything wrong with living with a roomate of the opposite sex. As long as you don’t put yourselves in a position where there could be temptation.

In college, I had two different male roomates. We weren’t attracted to each other and the first roomate was and still is my best friend.

The second male roomate was practically a stranger. We barely talked to oneanother.

If you sleep in the same bed, or share finances very closely, or have a romantic interest in each other, then it is crossing the line for cohabitation.

Even if you are living with your fiance/é, but you are not fornicating, you are still putting yourself in a situation where temptation will be great, and it can also look like to the outside world, that you are living in sin.

 

[1ke]

I would just like to get an idea where people stand. We all know that cohabitation is wrong, for example a boyfriend and girlfriend living together living as husband and wife if you will. But what would you say about a man and a woman who are not romantically involved, living together as “roommates”, i.e. sharing a rather large apartment. !n order to prevent too much background questioning, assume for the sake of the argument that the two are friends and there is no possibility of them getting together. I am only trying to find out what your view is on the principle of the argument. In other words, would you apply the word “cohabitation” as we use it in the church to the man and woman who are only friends?

There are two issues that make this situation problematic:

near occasion of sin
giving scandal

 

[manualman]

Not every bad idea is actually SINFUL.

IMO, opposite sex roomates are a bad idea. Assuming separate bedrooms, I won’t go so far as to say it is WRONG, but perhaps not prudent.

 

[latinmasslover]

It could become a near occasion of sin, as we do not know the future. However, it could be scandelous for those who don’t know the two people personally. It would be assumed that they are involved together. I would consult a holy and orthodox priest on the matter, as I’m not sure what I would do myself in the same situation. One, I wouldn’t want to live with somebody that I didn’t know well and trust, but on the other hand, if I knew him and trusted him…living together could very well bring us closer and thus creating the problem we thought we’d never have.

 

[bluerose]

assume for the sake of the argument that the two are friends and there is** no possibility of them getting together. **

What? Are they dead?

Sorry, I don’t buy it. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the “we’re just friends” story and had it end up with “we WERE just friends, but then we ended up in bed and now we’re not friends anymore”. Human nature being what it is, when two people live in such close proximity, it’s not uncommon that certain feelings become aroused (let’s not even get into “dress codes” that would be demanded of such a living arrangement).

Gives scandal, leads to temptation… I say it’s not a good idea at all.

 

[Allen537]

bluerose:
What? Are they dead?

Sorry, I don’t buy it. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the “we’re just friends” story and had it end up with “we WERE just friends, but then we ended up in bed and now we’re not friends anymore”. Human nature being what it is, when two people live in such close proximity, it’s not uncommon that certain feelings become aroused (let’s not even get into “dress codes” that would be demanded of such a living arrangement).

Gives scandal, leads to temptation… I say it’s not a good idea at all.

Well, as I qualified it, “for the sake of the argument”. And in reality, I have been friends with women for a very long time (over 7 years in some cases) and while they are attractive women, We have never moved into that “phase” of our relationship, if you will. Our friendships with each other have been very important for us over the years, and we would not want to ruin something like that for something that would most likley not last. So I am not saying that these two would not feel some kind of attraction to each other (so to answer your question, yes, they are alive, lol) they would use right reason in deciding not to get involved with each other in that way.

this was meant to be the original premise of my question

 

[Sina]

So some people here assume that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship between a man and a woman then.

It used to annoy me a lot that people assumed my best friend and I were more than friends simply because we were of opposite sexes. Some people that didn’t know us well thought we were dating. It was funny to see the looks on some people’s faces when we were at parties and we would introduce our actual significant other’s rather than each other. I think it is THEIR problem that they assume we are in a sexual relationship.

Actually living with your pronounced significant other is indeed leading to scandal. Living with your opposite sex friend is not.

I don’t necessarily think everyone is capable of resisting temptation, and most of these people know who they are. For those that know there is no chance of putting oneself at great risk, I think it is fine to live with the opposite sex.

 

[JFonseka]

Platonic friendship is one thing and giving way to temptation is another thing, there are boys and girls who could live together and never have any sexual feelings towards each other, but not everyone is like that, and if you believe there is a possibility, then DON"T do it, no man is greater than the flesh, and praying to God while putting yourself in temptation on purpose defeats the purpose itself

 

[catechumen08]

But what would you say about a man and a woman who are not romantically involved, living together as “roommates”, i.e. sharing a rather large apartment.

One of my roommates is female. The other roommate is male. Working out well so far. I wonder if it’s possible to get a foosball table in the living room, though.

And oh, I’m actually learning what “decorations” really mean.

 

[gwenred]

A curious question, since you brought up this question:

When two mature women decide to live together for purposes of economy, there is always the potential “scandal” that people will assume they have a gay sexual relationship. Does that mean they shouldn’t cohabitate our of financial necessity?

I am not asking this to be contentious, but simply as a question to think about. Scandal is everywhere when people have a tendency to think and assume the worst.

 

[Sr_Sally]

There are two issues that make this situation problematic:

near occasion of sin
giving scandal

I agree here. Surely these hypothetical people know other people (or the same sex) that they could share expenses with. Perhaps this would be OK in a larger group house situation, but then you are open to the problem of the friend of the roommate you don’t know very well brining in other people who are doing sinful or illegal things, etc. etc.

A friend of mine who is not Catholic has a house-mate living with her family. Apparently their church encourages young singles to live with a family rather than on their own or in group house situations. I think this is a very healthy arrangement. The young woman is not a live-in babysitter or housekeeper, but she does help the family as a participating member of the house (she has a regular outside job and contributes to expenses just as a housemate normally would). She also gains great insight into how marriage and family life work.

Perhaps these hypothetical people could look into a situation like that. And those of us who are married with stable families could consider having a housemate rather than seeing young Catholics living in potential scandalous situations.

 

[skooche]

I have, over the years, lived with several different male and female roommates.
But, even though I am a woman, most of my friends are guys. I played ice hockey,
worked on cars, and was a bit of a “tom boy.” My dad did most of the raising in our family. And to be quite honest with you, I ALWAYS got along much better with my male roommates and friends than the female ones I had.

My best friend is also a guy. We’ve known each other for almost over 22 years now. Do you know how many times we ever found ourselves attracted to each other? Zero. It never came up, and it never will, because it is entirely possible to have a platonic, healthy relationship exist between a man and a woman. I love him like a brother. I consider him family.

I am currently sharing a three bedroom apartment with my boyfriend’s best friend. We both have more “professional” jobs, and therefore are financially on the same kind of ground. We both have very similar interests and activities we enjoy. My boyfriend is more comfortable knowing I live with his best friend than a total stranger in a city I don’t know that well. The arrangement is mutually beneficial for the two of us. So why not take advantage of it?

 

[Publisher]

A curious question, since you brought up this question:

When two mature women decide to live together for purposes of economy, there is always the potential “scandal” that people will assume they have a gay sexual relationship. Does that mean they shouldn’t cohabitate our of financial necessity?

I am not asking this to be contentious, but simply as a question to think about. Scandal is everywhere when people have a tendency to think and assume the worst.

If more people would “mind their own business” and not give into gossip and rumor…two people living together as friends wouldn’t be a problem.

IMO, it’s not the two people who are living together as friends that have the problem…but he gossipmongers and rumormongers that are the problem…but that’s perhaps just too practical a way of thinking…

 

[Sr_Sally]

A curious question, since you brought up this question:

When two mature women decide to live together for purposes of economy, there is always the potential “scandal” that people will assume they have a gay sexual relationship. Does that mean they shouldn’t cohabitate our of financial necessity?

I am not asking this to be contentious, but simply as a question to think about. Scandal is everywhere when people have a tendency to think and assume the worst.

I agree that two mature women (or men) living together would cause many to belive they are gay. And I agree that rumor-mongering is also a sin and people should NOT presume the worst. However, I do think that it is much more likely for people to think the worst about an opposite sex couple living together than a same sex couple. And I also assume that it is more likely for the opposite sex couple to fall into sin.

Given all that I wonder how people managed in the past? Young adults were more likely to live with their families or relatives. Mature, non-married women living together were presumed to be old-maids and not lesbians. Mature, non-married men living together were presumed to be crusty old crumedgeons who non one wanted to marry and not gay.

 

[Publisher]

Two people living together should not be onyone elses concern. They and they alone will bear any “sin” they engage in. They and they alone also benefit from any financial and companionship issues that living together brings.

Unless those who worry about “scandal” are willing to chip in and subsidize the financial situation to insure that their minds remain free from ‘gossip’ and ‘rumor’ at the expense of two innocent people…perhaps the focus should be on supporting these two people to remain in a “healthy” relationship…but when rumor and gossip begins it forces secrecy which leads to “untruth”…all because the “righteous” can’t keep themselves from gossip and rumor spreading…sad state of affaris…IMO>

 

[StCsDavid]

I would just like to get an idea where people stand. We all know that cohabitation is wrong, for example a boyfriend and girlfriend living together living as husband and wife if you will. But what would you say about a man and a woman who are not romantically involved, living together as “roommates”, i.e. sharing a rather large apartment. !n order to prevent too much background questioning, assume for the sake of the argument that the two are friends and there is no possibility of them getting together. I am only trying to find out what your view is on the principle of the argument. In other words, would you apply the word “cohabitation” as we use it in the church to the man and woman who are only friends?

I think you’re playing with fire here, Allen. As innocent as things may seem now, there are a lot of ways this could go sideways on you. This is not to discount your friendship with this person or your honorable intent.

One thing you might consider, if you choose marriage as a vocation, you may limit the number of potential prospects as I don’t know too many women who would be cool with their husband to be sharing an apartment with another woman no matter how platonic the situation was.

 

[Sina]

hah! I have found the opposite to be the case. Many of my female friends saw that a man who lived with female roomates must be a decent guy and not scary because women would agree to live with him. So he couldn’t be much of a pig could he?

 

[Allen537]

I think you’re playing with fire here, Allen. As innocent as things may seem now, there are a lot of ways this could go sideways on you. This is not to discount your friendship with this person or your honorable intent.

One thing you might consider, if you choose marriage as a vocation, you may limit the number of potential prospects as I don’t know too many women who would be cool with their husband to be sharing an apartment with another woman no matter how platonic the situation was.

I would just like to say once again, this is only a hypothetical situation. I understand that many people will pose certain situations they are in as hypothetical, so not deal with embarassement or anything of that nature, but I can assure you that I am not in this situation. I don’t mean to sound too defensive, but being in the seminary, I feel the obligation to do my best to not cause scandal. I was simply looking at this situation to get an understanding as to how people would apply the term Cohabitation to a different (albeit rare) situation of a plutonic relationship. I must say, I have found the diversity of responses to be very interesting. Thanks for al of the responses!

 

[Joab_Anias]

So some people here assume that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship between a man and a woman then.

It used to annoy me a lot that people assumed my best friend and I were more than friends simply because we were of opposite sexes. Some people that didn’t know us well thought we were dating. It was funny to see the looks on some people’s faces when we were at parties and we would introduce our actual significant other’s rather than each other. I think it is THEIR problem that they assume we are in a sexual relationship.

Actually living with your pronounced significant other is indeed leading to scandal. Living with your opposite sex friend is not.

I don’t necessarily think everyone is capable of resisting temptation, and most of these people know who they are. For those that know there is no chance of putting oneself at great risk, I think it is fine to live with the opposite sex.

Amen!

I think you hit the nail on the head. The folks who fail to understand that a plutonic cohbitation is the norm of human nature not the decadance they assume! Granted, though our desires and concupicense shouldn’t be agrivated, neither should we impose our own weaknesses upon others. Not everyone suffers from impurity.

Our society is inundated with sexual inuendo every where we turn.

IMO people are confusing this worldly decadance with the norm. Cohabitation which means nothing more than living communally has transformed to mean fornication automatically by way to many people. Its sad and immature really. Our faith teaches us the virtues. One of those virtues is purity. Clergy cohabitate all the time without sin because they are committed to their vocations. We are all called to chastity rather married or single.

If your afraid to be in the same house with someone of the opposite sex then you have a problem with your sexuality. Its not the temptation that is your enemy its your lack of self contol, wisdom and love of the lord. All things are possible with God.

After all is sex with ones wife only when tempted or aroused? This is LUST and not a self giving love.