Cohabitation Situation

[ConstantLearner]

I have worded it poorly, but if you’ve already lived together before your marriage, it makes the sacrament of marriage less than what God ordained it to be.

No, you worded it perfectly. I think living together before marriage, even when no sex is involved, is one of the reasons so many people are disappointed with marriage today and eventually divorce. The specialness they expect to feel when they marry has already been experienced.

 

[Lara]

So you think there’s an end to the specialness?

I think you are comparing apples and oranges. Many living together situations including sex do not last. The couples are often not religious to begin with, expect living together to be a trial marriage, and have the wrong attitude towards children. But that’s very different from two religious people sharing space for a time before they can marry, and being chaste. Of course, the earlier the OP sets the wedding date, the better.

And people shouldn’t worry about having such fancy weddings. In fact, the church should radically shrink the time required to get married. Many Catholic Churches suggest six months. The Church says it takes marriage very seriously and that’s why people should shudder in their boots for six months. I think it would be better if the Church prepared people more effectively for marriage.

But I doubt the original couple is tiring of each other yet. They probably realize they belong to each other. It is concerning if he doesn’t have money to support himself properly. Nevertheless, together they will manage, dog and all.

 

[phil19034]

I think the look of scandal from cohabitation has pretty much “left the building”…Our pastor said it is “highly unusual” for a couple to come to him for the sacrament of marriage that are not living together. And I do not think they are all chaste. In my extended family all five of my nieces lived with their boyfriends before marrying. And three where married in the Catholic Church. In my own family two of the four of us lived with boyfriends/girlfriend before marriage. All married in the church.

My own girls did not live with their boyfriends before getting married in the church and neither did I, but like I said it was unusual.

I am not saying it is not wrong, I am just saying the “look of scandal” isn’t what it used to be. And sharing an apartment without sexual relations is not a sin.

I disagree with you here.

Reason: almost no one will ever believe that two people living together (even in separate bedrooms) are staying chaste.

The only ones who would believe are the the best friends, who are told everything.

Most family members are going to think the separate bedrooms is a charade. To me, this is where the scandal comes in.

If the couple has younger siblings or cousins, there is going to be scandal because most of them are simply going to think the separate bedroom thing is a charade.

They are going to look at their otherwise very holy sibling or cousin and say “well if they had sex and lived together so can I.”

This is the problem with this situation.

Now, if this couple is the last unmarried children on both sides, then perhaps the scandal is reduced because they are not going to lead others to move in together.

NOTE: I speak as someone who lived with my wife before marriage, and I deeply regret it. I fear one day someone telling my kids “your mom & dad lived together before marriage, so don’t worry about what dad thinks.”

God Bless!

 

[Blessedwithfive]

NOTE: I speak as someone who lived with my wife before marriage, and I deeply regret it. I fear one day someone telling my kids “your mom & dad lived together before marriage, so don’t worry about what dad thinks.”

My children often throw my mistakes back at me. I always tell them I am not defined by my parenting mistakes and I don’t plan to make the same mistake patenting you as I did with your sibling.

I know you are right, I just think that society no longer has the stigma attached with living arrangements as it once did.

Blessings

 

[JamalChristophr]

I hope the OP finds her way to the choice that is most pleasing to God, which she will have to discern, hopefully with the help of her confessor.

I’ve been on threads like these in the past at CAF, and they can go on forever-rrrrrrrrrrr and a day.

 

[Lara]

If family members don’t believe the things you say, it’s better to ignore them in the first place. If you say you’re living chastely, then that’s what you’re doing. Who goes about the place doubting the words of their family members? That’s lacking in charity.

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

It’s also not good to place yourself in an occasion of sin.

Sometimes saving money isn’t worth your soul - I’m speaking generally here because I really don’t know the in’s and out’s of your whole situation.

I do know that just because it’s accepted in a society, that doesn’t make it okay.

 

[Reuben_J]

Living separately is not a proof of being chaste as cohabiting is not a proof of being unchaste.

Chastity is up to the pre-marriage couple concerned.

When we speak about scandal of cohabitation, I think we are only avoiding the reality of today’s life - the increase in population in cities and unaffordable accommodations.

I am not saying that cohabitation is right. It is morally wrong to live with a person who is not one’s spouse. But situation changes. In another fifty years time, the world population probably double itself. It is not going to get any better. Cohabitation will not change much. I don’t see a likelihood where it will not be done anymore.

More importantly, from experience of dealing with young couples, is that they know pre-marital sex is sinful. That they want to wait until marriage. And if they do (sex), it would be out of their weaknesses rather than deliberately committing it. It is important for our young people to believe rather than not, which many of them are. If the Church can understand their predicament, they would be still with the Church rather than getting angry with her and thus not wanting to marry in the Church and leave the faith.

God bless.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Most people I know will at least stay over. Many people in their early 20s are in long distance relationships and aren’t able to afford to stay in a hotel every time they visit.

 

[ATraveller]

Cohabitation will not change much. I don’t see a likelihood where it will not be done anymore.

Which makes it imperative for Christians to resist instead of giving up.

Many people in their early 20s are in long distance relationships and aren’t able to afford to stay in a hotel every time they visit.

Maybe this is something parishes should consider. Maybe assistance by parishioners in arranging accommodations should be offered to help parishioners avoid scandal. After all, Christians are supposed to uphold each other in the Faith.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Well if someone had criticised me and my husband back then I would have enquired about it

 

[Reuben_J]

Reuben_J:

Cohabitation will not change much. I don’t see a likelihood where it will not be done anymore.

Which makes it imperative for Christians to resist instead of giving up.

You have to clarify that. That they should not give up in trying to be chaste or that the OP should not stay together until they are married?

If young couples like in the OP’s situation can continue living aeparately, that is of course, the most ideal situation. In reality, I can only speak from my experience in guiding bona fide couples who truly want to keep the faith but find it impractical to stay separately, staying separately will not help them much. Those on the borderline (who want to marry in the Church but are not serious about the faith) will just simply marry outside anyway and likely will not practice or go back to the Church.

I spoke to a priest that refused to grant a full wedding mass to a pre-marriage engaged couple who attended a pre-marriage course, that the Church has to show compassion. That the Sacrament of Confession still is being used to forgive sin. He (the priest) was angry and we had another priest who agreed to marry them.

I think this issue has to be looked with wisdom than pure legalism to show the love and comapssion aspect of the Church towards her genuine faithful.

God bless.

 

[phil19034]

Living separately is not a proof of being chaste as cohabiting is not a proof of being unchaste.

Didn’t say it was either way. That was not my argument.

The point was the opposite. Scandal doesn’t require proof. If an unmarried couple is living together in a chaste manner, it doesn’t necessarily prevent scandal.

If one person THINKS they are living unchaste and that imagined reality leads the kid to sin, then scandal has taken place.

Objectively, this is a scandalous situation. Yes, there are things that can be done to lessen scandal, but it’s an objectively scandalous situation period.

God bless

 

[Reuben_J]

My apology I misunderstood you.

God bless.

 

[ATraveller]

You have to clarify that.

My reply was just to that quote in a general manner not the OP.

I think this issue has to be looked with wisdom than pure legalism to show the love and comapssion aspect of the Church towards her genuine faithful.

Yes but love and compassion could be shown in a different way, like in my response to ConfusedLucy. Housing costs are a problem, one that’s not going away so churches might as well find creative solutions in addressing that.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

It would be prudent for parishes to wake up to the fact that few of us remain in the areas we grew up, live with our families until we meet and marry a local and set up home near our families.

Moving around frequently for education and work is commonplace and so are long distance relationships. Talking about the issues raised by this with teens would do a lot more good than pretending we are still in the 50s.

 

[Rau]

It would be prudent for parishes to wake up to the fact that few of us remain in the areas we grew up, live with our families until we meet and marry a local and set up home near our families.

Talking about the issues raised by this with teens would do a lot more good than pretending we are still in the 50s.

Talking is good. What would you like to be the end result of that talking?

 

[ConstantLearner]

Reason: almost no one will ever believe that two people living together (even in separate bedrooms) are staying chaste.

I certainly wouldn’t believe it even of they are very nice people not given to lying.

 

[ConstantLearner]

The point was the opposite. Scandal doesn’t require proof. If an unmarried couple is living together in a chaste manner, it doesn’t necessarily prevent scandal.

Living together without benefit of marriage is scandalous, whether sexual intimacy is involved or not. Because it is, it denigrates the sacrament of marriage, the family, the neighborhood, the Church, the minds of young people, society, and on and on. Any good Catholic should know this and not even entertain the idea of living together before marriage.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I think it’s important to teach our young Catholics how to be Catholic in the modern world, issues like how to find a new parish when moving or how to find a Catholic mass when visiting a new area for the weekend. Also talking about the challenges of being Catholic with mostly non-Catholic peers, especially housemates, good use of social media, how to discern marriage when you are still long distance or finishing education.

I would hope it could produce young Catholics that know how to practice their faith in the real world. My own catechism was very old fashioned and seemed to take for granted I would spend my life in a close knit Catholic community and not relocate. It’s not good to be unprepared.